Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

“Your father has been trying to make amends with you for years now, has he not?”

  “It’s a bit late for that now isn’t it?”

  “It’s never too late Ryan”

  I thank gramps for the chat and he assures me everything will work out. I don’t know that I believe that, but I think it’s about time I start trying things a different way, because the way I’ve been going is going to make me lose more than I’m willing too. I flick through my phone until I find the number I’m looking for. I hit the call button and listen to it ring. It connects almost immediately.

  “Dad, it’s me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  EDEN

  It’s been three long months since I last saw Ryan, I don’t know where I got the strength from to leave that day. The look on his face haunted me for days after, but I knew it was what I needed to do. Jase and Ryan had taken care of me that night and I would be forever grateful to them for that. But it was time I become that little bird they were always calling me. Ryan may have thought I’d flew that day but I’d fought. I’d decided it was time I stopped putting my worth in other people’s hands. I don’t know when I’d figured out I was in love with him, but that next morning when I’d woken up next to him I’d realised he couldn’t give me what I deserved.

  I deserved to feel loved and cherished and cared for. And while I knew Ryan did care, it wasn’t enough. I’d wanted to answer his calls so badly the first few days but I’d just remind myself that Ryan was never going to let me in all the way and I couldn’t have just half of him. Bree had been with me, offering me sympathetic smiles and reassurance that I’d figure it out. She’d never lied to me before, so I believed her. I’d switched my phone off and tuned out the rest of the world while I focused on myself.

  Only now here I stood in Sue and Ron’s house after Jase had begged and pleaded with me to come, telling me it was all his Gran had wanted from him for her birthday. I couldn’t very well say no after she’d personally called me to tell me that she’d been filled in on my life and assured me that she would always be there if I ever needed her. She’d promised some amazing birthday cake too, so I mean how was I going to say no to that.

  But now that I’m staring at him I’m second guessing my decision to come. His just walked in the front door and I’m perched at the kitchen bench listening to Gran talk about how well her roses are growing this year. He hasn’t noticed me so I take my time drinking him in. He looks bigger then I remember and his hair is cut shorter. His impressive chest is covered with a dark blue button up shirt that’s paired off with black jeans and timberland boots. His jaw looks sharper with the stubble his got going on. I know the second he spots me because his brows rise in surprise. I quickly look away but it’s then I see Gran has been watching me the whole time. I feel my face warm as I busy myself with the ‘that’s life’ magazine in front of me. “Ahhh my oldest grandson, come give me a hug” I hear him laugh as he enters the room “Hey Gran, Happy Birthday!” I look up and his wrapping her in his arms, but he hasn’t taken his eyes off me.

  I decide to leave them be, hoping down from the stool and walking over to Jase and Gramps sitting in the lounge. “Mind if I join you?” I ask not wanting to intrude on their conversation. Gramps smiles up at me as he holds his arm out gesturing the spot beside him. Returning his smile with one of my own, I lower myself in to the spot. “What are we talking about?” Jase shakes his head in amusement “oh enough of that conversation my dear, tell me how you are?” I turn my body slightly to face Gramps, I knew he wasn’t trying to delve in to my personal life and he was just being a caring human being, but I’m not used to talking openly about myself; tucking my hair behind my ear as I try to come up with enough of an answer to please him.

  “Hey old man” Ryan walks over distracting the men by giving them some man hugs and pats on the back, winking over Gramps shoulder at me. I know his picked this moment to come over to help me save face; and I’m incredibly grateful for it. I offer a small wave in return. We all sit for a while, catching up on University and Work; before Gran calls out for Jase and Ryan to set the table for her. I offer to help but she won’t have it, telling me the boys will never be too old to do their chores around her house. I laugh and shrug my shoulders as Jase swats my shoulder walking past.

  “I’m still waiting for an answer to my question poppet?” I can’t help but smile over at him. “I’ve been…” I don’t really know how to finish my sentence. Over the past three months I’ve been sad, scared, lonely and even a little lost. It was crazy to think that these boys had entered my life not too long ago and have had such a huge impact; that losing them has really affected me. Of course I still sat with Jason in class, but we avoided talk of Ryan or Bree. We didn’t hang out after class anymore, we just had a small window to be friends. When I meet Gramps eyes all I see staring back at me is compassion and so I admit it out loud, “I’ve been a little lost.”

  He nods at me like this was what he was expecting me to say, but I keep talking “I’ve never really felt lonely, I mean of course I have, but I kind of just got on with it you know?” It’s not a question, I’m not finished with my confession. “But then your two crazy grandsons barge in to my life and they kind of showed me this whole other world that I didn’t really know I was missing out on.” I don’t look up, just continue playing with the hem of my dress. “My grandsons are both very fond of you, as they should be Eden” that catches my attention so I let my eyes dart up to gauge if his joking or not. “While you may doubt yourself poppet, the boys never have. They loved you before they knew everything about you and after they found out everything they didn’t love you any less.” I cough, shaking my head “Oh no, no Gramps they don’t love me. Well maybe. Like a great friend loves another.” I nod reassuring him but his not mimicking my actions, instead shaking his head. “Jason loves you as a friend sure, but Ryan… he just didn’t see it straight away and boy does he see it now.” I raise my brow at him wanting him to tell me more but he just changes the subject.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  EDEN

  We stay talking for a while before I see another male enter the room, his older then the twins but not as old as gramps. He bears a striking resemblance though. I watch intently as he walks in to the room and Jase gives him a hug, Ryan moves in but he doesn’t offer a hug, instead he shakes his hand and offers him an affectionate smile. “There’s our Benjamin” Gramps offers by way of explanation. I feel my mouth drop open before I can hide my surprise at him being here, or that Ryan’s not punching him in the face. Gramps most see my surprise so he fills me in “Ryan’s been working with him for the past month, they’re making a real go at getting their relationship back on track, I think we might have you to thank for that one poppet” He pats my knee and stands to go and greet his son. While I sit in amazement that not only is Ryan now talking with his dad but his working for him and sharing special occasions with him too. I smile at the thought of it all.

  I hear someone cough beside me and jump in surprise. “Sorry about that, you looked deep in thought out here.” Shaking my head, I smile over at Benjamin. I’d come out to the backyard to get some fresh air and must have gotten lost in my own thoughts. “I’m Ben, I thought I’d introduce myself” he sticks his hand out towards me and I take the time to study him. His full head of hair is longer then I would have expected, he doesn’t share the same fascinating eyes as his sons, instead his are a pale blue. But his face is clean shaven and he’s dressed impeccably in a pair of dark jeans with a white polo shirt. I place my hand in his and he engulfs it “Eden.” When he looks back at me I see where Jase and Ryan get their charismatic smile from. “Oh Eden, I know exactly who you are. My boys, hell my whole family never shuts up about you” he jokes. I blush, not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing.

  “I believe I owe you my gratitude” I look up, squinting in confusion. “Whatever you said to Ryan really seemed to get through to him, we’ve been talking for a little under three months now. I do
n’t know what you said but thank you so very, very much.” I’m shocked that he thinks I could hold that much persuasion over his son, and a little worried too. “I’m not quite sure that’s true, although I’m glad you’re getting to know him again.” When Gran calls out for him to help her dish up he finally let’s go of my hand that he had continued to hold.

  He turns to walk away but I reach for him again and he stops, turning to me slightly. “I am glad you won’t miss out on more of his life” He waits, clearly seeing I’m not finished. “Because he is an amazing person, when he really lets you see past it all. His funny and caring and smart, he’ll try and play it off like Jase got all the brains, but don’t believe him because he is” I take a deep breath “I don’t know why you weren’t around for him and Jase but I know you love them. You knew Gran and Gramps would give them everything you felt you couldn’t” I let him go but he doesn’t move, not until Gran calls out for him again does he finally leave me standing there and heads back inside.

  I joined them inside a few minutes after that and we had sat down to a beautiful meal. But now it was time for birthday cake, and I couldn’t wait a minute longer. “We’re all pretty full, maybe we should skip the cake” I hear Ryan say and turn to glare at him but his dancing eyes give him away. “Kidding, I’m kidding.” He holds up his hands in way of surrender. The whole table laughs and I laugh along. Feeling happier then I have in a while. “Where is the cake from this year anyway?” Gramps asks. Grans face is practically splitting in two trying to hold up the smile she is sporting. “Ryan and Jason baked it” she admits.

  I look over to Ryan and his already looking at me. He remembered my happy moment with my mum. I’m about to say something to him when Jase enters the room carrying the messiest looking cake, laughing so hard I have to hold my chest instead. Everyone else joins in when they spot it, except Ryan. He just smiles over at me and continues to watch me try and gain my composure. “You finished?” his trying to sound stern but I can hear the amusement in his voice. I nod, but lose it again when it’s sat in the middle of the table in front of me. “What happened to it?” Gramps stutters out. I’m bending in two trying to catch my breath at the disappointment in his face. When I straighten up I see Gran knock him over the ear, “Hush now Ronald, this is the best thing I have ever received on a birthday.” She smiles so proudly at the mess in front of us, I can’t help but return the smile. I know exactly how she’s feeling right now. I look back over to Ryan and he just winks at me as he passes out the plates and forks.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  EDEN

  I’m sitting out on the front porch waiting for Jase to finish up chatting with his dad, I’d said my goodbyes to everyone and headed out to wait for him; I wanted to give them some family time without an intruder. When I hear the door open and close behind me I don’t bother looking up “About time” I joke. He sits down next to me on the step but when I look over curiously, it’s not him I see, it’s Ryan. “I know what you mean.” I look away from him and out to the front yard, watching the pattern the sprinklers are leaving across the pavement. “I’ve been trying to get you alone all night.” He reaches out for me but stops himself and I don’t know if its relief or disappointment I feel. “I’m so fucking sorry Eden” he sighs.

  Just as he attempts to talk again his cut off by the ring of my phone. I don’t reach for it, just continue staring ahead until it stops. He doesn’t try to speak again, just sits beside me for a couple of minutes. I’m enjoying just being near him, when I hear him say my name again. I look up to him, his hands dropping from his hair “Eden...” my phone starts ringing again and I hear him blow out a breath, “take it, I’ll wait.” I dig in my handbag and pull it out. My stomach drops when I see the number glaring back at me that I haven’t seen for 3 months; that I never wanted to see again. I don’t want to answer, but I have to. This time I don’t walk away from Ryan when I answer it, he knows everything there is to know now anyway.

  “Again?” is all I say as I accept the call. I listen to Andrew talk on the other line, he sounds as exhausted by it all as I feel. I listen to him telling me his putting her in a cab this time, he tells me he’ll foot the bill but that he can’t guarantee she will make it to where she needs to once she’s been dropped off. I sigh in complete frustration. I want to leave her to figure it out herself, but I know I can’t. “Ok, Thanks Andrew. I’ll go check on her.” I hang up and look over at Ryan who has been listening intently the whole time. His face is one of pure anger.

  “FUCK NO EDEN” he stands and takes the two steps down in front of me to block my path. I hadn’t attempted to move yet. He was trying to get ahead of this. “No Eden, you’re not going back there” He starts pacing back and forth swearing under his breath. “No.” Finally I stand and he stops pacing to walk right up to me. He’s shaking his head, he doesn’t look as angry now, more worried than anything. I understand what his feeling, my heart is beating so fast against my chest. The last time I got a call like this, it didn’t exactly end pleasantly.

  Chapter Thirty

  RYAN

  She’s got to be fucking dreaming if she thinks I will willingly let her go back there. She’s standing on the step and hasn’t tried to make a move yet. Not that she could if she wanted to. I’m blocking any movement she could try. I can see the conflict running through her mind trying to figure out what to do. “Eden, No.” I reach my hand out and grab her wrist. I can feel her pulse racing but she doesn’t shake my hold off. Just watches me. I’d been waiting and wanting to touch her for the past 3 months. But not like this, not to stop her going back to where her nightmares were made. I would never forgive myself for that night, letting my own fucking hang ups help push her in the way of danger. That night had been a turning point for me, hearing her tell me what her life was like and seeing what she had physically been through. I replayed every word she had spoken that night on a continuous loop in my mind.

  When I’d realised the magnitude of it all, I’d wanted to break everything in sight, I wanted everything I could see to be as broken on the outside as I felt on the inside. I’d lost her, she hadn’t walked away. I had pushed her to a point where she had to go in to self-preservation mode and she had to go. Because while I was telling her I would never be with her, we would never be anything more than friends. I was treating her like anything but. She had found her way in to my heart and I hadn’t even known it. So the whole time I was putting us through this cat and mouse game because I didn’t want to lose her, it’s exactly what I ended up doing. And there was no one to blame except myself.

  Every time I pulled her back in only to disappoint her, I had unintentionally been solidifying what her mum had been telling her all these years. That she wasn’t enough, she wasn’t enough for me to take a chance on her or on us. I’d realised all too late that I was a coward, while she was petrified of never being enough for someone; she kept offering me a chance to prove her worries wrong. She was the strong one here.

  When she had offered me a different perception in to my dad’s actions, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I am still angry at my dad; I still don’t understand why he couldn’t be a dad like he was supposed to be. But Eden was right, he left us with our Grandparents and Jase and I had the privilege of an amazing upbringing, never shy of love and support. How could I take that for granted when Eden didn’t get that same opportunity. The easy answer was I couldn’t, so I had contacted my dad and told him if he wanted to call me sometime then it was okay. He had called me every day for a month. Initially I didn’t do much more then offer short responses to his questions.

  But as time went on and he continued to call, I started to open up a little more and a little more. I’d ask him questions about his life and his business. One night when he’d called he was frustrated with one of his foreman on a job site, they had been stuffing up orders and were behind on deadlines; he was at the end of his patience. I’d offered to step in and help him short term and he’d gladly took me up on the offer.
I’d been working with him for over a month now and things were running pretty smoothly, sure we had a few hiccups arise but he’d listen to me run my mouth about the issue at hand and then we’d figure out a solution that made me and his customer happy.

  I owed Eden for helping me find my way to a place where I wanted to be better. I wasn’t showing up on the jobsite hungover anymore either. Don’t get me wrong I still enjoyed a drink but I hadn’t been consuming nearly as much alcohol as I was. It wasn’t what I wanted to reach out to when I was feeling angry or frustrated anymore. I didn’t want to be like her mother, someone holding on to their anger and trying to drink it away one sip at a time. And even though Eden wasn’t aware of the changes in my life, I felt proud of myself and that was enough for me. I felt proud of the person I was becoming, making my own decisions and not letting other peoples’ decisions play in to my own doings.

  I wanted to call Eden a hundred times those weeks, but I was sorting through my own head and I wanted to know exactly what to say when I saw her next. This wasn’t how I thought it would go at all. “I have to go Ryan” I hear the pleading in her voice but I don’t drop my hand from her wrist. “Ryan, I have to go” she reiterates trying to pull away from me. I tighten my grip on her, not hurting her but stopping her from moving all the same. “Why?” I needed to know. She doesn’t answer me, instead she reaches up to my jaw running her fingertips along it.

  She cups my face with her hand and I lean in to it, closing my eyes. “Because, she’s my mum Ryan. She wasn’t a very good one, she was a horrible one in fact. But she is all I have left and I don’t want to end up like her. I want to be a good person; I want to continue to care about others even when they don’t deserve it.” She finishes on a whisper and I open my eyes, seeing the determination in her. I nod and notice her shoulders relax a little. “But I’m going with you” She scowls back at me “don’t fight me on this Eden, I’m going with you. That is the only way I will know you’re safe and I have to know you are okay.”