by May, W. J.
Erebus stood silent, unable to move and afraid to think. He felt like he’d just been kicked in the stomach by an entire football team.
In the silence he screamed the truth he didn’t want to admit. I can’t give up who I am...It’s impossible for me to change. I know that, and she knows that. He watched Aurora, his eyes pleading what he didn’t know how to explain. However, she stood staring at the floor, refusing to bring her head up.
He exhaled a slow, deflating breath. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry. What am I supposed to do?” How can I convince you this is worth it, when I know, for you, it isn’t?
“Nothing! That’s the problem – you can’t do anything. It’s bloody five o’clock in the morning, and you’re going to have to go and find some stupid pay phone to disappear into for the next twelve hours. That’s what you are – a freakin’ pay phone!” Rivers of tears continued to stream down her face. Aurora collapsed into a heap on the couch. “I can’t do this,” she mumbled over and over again as she dropped face down onto the leather pillows, her voice muffled.
Erebus tentatively stepped towards the arm of the leather couch. He was afraid to touch her, to hurt her more than he’d already done.
It was over.
He had to let go to allow her the chance at a normal life. He’d rather face sunlight, than see the pain in her eyes. She was human. He was nothing – an obscurity, a damn Shadow. So much for not being able to feel pain; I’d take physical pain over this any day.
“Is there another Nanny out there you haven’t told me about? Is someone else going to try to creep up and kill me?” She sounded bitter as she lifted her head. Erebus noticed the dark streaks of black her mascara had created from her tears. He also couldn’t miss the anger in her face as she accused him.
“No! She was the only one.” My mistake. My stupid, careless mistake.
“What about humans? You sire any half-human, half-shadow kids?” Aurora pounced off the couch with a wild look in her eyes. “You know...some half-darklings? Maybe some little darklings that can come out at night and cloudy days since they’re half-human?” Her brows pushed together as she glared at him.
“No!” he hissed back, the mere thought angering him. He stood stiff, spreading his feet shoulder-width apart. “If you don’t want this, I won’t make you stay. I’d never force you to remain. I care for you, but you’re right. This isn’t a life for you.” He exhaled a slow breath. “I was told this would happen, but I didn’t believe Coty. This was such a big mistake.” Everything Coty had warned him about started shouting inside his head. He wanted to cover his ears to drown it out but knew it would be futile.
“Yeah, you never face your mistakes, do you? You just let them follow you around like shadows and tear apart those around you. You’re not a man.”
“You’re right. I’m not.” He could feel his heart ripping as she flung the insult at him. He hated himself, but he needed to make her angry so she would leave. If she hated him, she’d move on and make a life – a real, proper one. He forced his next words out, “You go back to your petty life. Try to make the millions you want as some scum lawyer and marry some bribe-taking judge. Then, if there’s still time for you, have yourself a few babies.” He pointed an accusing finger at her. “That’s, if you can fit in some kind of screw-schedule. You know, open your legs once and awhile. Just long enough to fertilize your eggs.” He detested himself for saying that. Those were words Nanny would use. They weren’t his. He crossed his arms and glared at Aurora. It wasn’t hard to feel angry. He was furious at himself and at the thought of Aurora marrying some other guy and having his babies. That part really pissed him off.
“Fuck you!” She grabbed her coat and stormed around the couch to get her purse. As she bent over, her coat hit a crystal bowl, sending it crashing to the floor. She didn’t even pause as she stomped past him towards the door.
He flinched when the door slammed behind him. It took him several moments before he could even move. He blindly stumbled to the couch and collapsed. Resting his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, he stared at the floor in shock. Slowly, the numbness began to wear off as the realization of what had happened sank in.
What a fool he’d been for thinking he might marry her; a bigger idiot for even trying to make a life. Had they never met, nothing would’ve happened to her. She’d have been studying and hanging out with her friends, being human. He’d come and destroyed everything, all for his own selfish gain. The weight of his thoughts made him close his eyes. The empty feeling he’d had before meeting Aurora returned. He’d forgotten how terrible it was.
Biting his lip, he rubbed his temples with his fingers, wishing the pressure would go away. The beep from his watch reminded him it was getting close to sunrise. He swore as he felt the panic in the pit of his stomach, and the tightness in his chest from the thought of not running. Fight or flight. He looked up at the K6 pay phone in the center of the room and purposely turned away.
He pounded the arm of the couch, then stood. Forcing himself to walk instead of following the urge to run out the door, he let his lungs fill with fear. He deserved it. The terror built inside him as he again forced himself to slowly descend the stairs. Part of him wanted to go tearing back up the stairs to the safety of his phone, but he refused.
Hardly breathing, he headed right at the corner. Delusions filled his mind. He couldn’t see where he was walking and bumped into the building bricks a number of times. This nightmare was real. He couldn’t control his actions anymore. He stopped thinking about Aurora, about hurting her, about everything but his need to hide. He broke into a run the last twenty steps and dove towards a phone, begging for release – for everything to turn black.
For the first time in his life, he was thankful it did.
Chapter 10
Life after Love?
Erebus struggled to break through his unconscious and incoherent thoughts. He knew he was trying to wake up, trying to swim through the darkness and shatter through to the surface. For the first time, and not even intentionally realizing it, he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay in the murky darkness and not rouse.
However, like the earth continually turning, he did break through. He found himself not in his apartment, but outside on a street corner not far from his place. He had planned on testing the K-6 out last evening. He sat dazed looking around, until last night’s events came crashing back. His head and shoulders sagged. It became an effort to breathe.
Time ticked on, and he made no attempt to get up. The vibration at the side of his hip finally made him move. He reached for his cell, hoping it might be Aurora.
“Hello?” His throat felt dry and cracked, like he’d been crying all night and couldn’t speak.
“’Bus? Is that you? Man, you sound like garbage.” Coty’s voice on the other end brought no relief.
“I’m here,” he mumbled. He slowly stood up and dragged his body back to the apartment.
“What’s going on? I just spoke with Janus and heard Nanny’s all upset.”
Shoot. It’s Friday. Now I’ve got to deal with Janus on top of all this? He ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah, well…” He didn’t know what to say, so he blurted out the truth to his old friend. “Nanny went after Au-Aurora and now…now it’s all over. She’s gone.”
“Nanny’s gone?”
“Probably. No wait, she’s gone. I told her she had to leave, or I’d tell Janus.”
“Probably? Then who’s gone? You’re not making any sense. Hang on, dude. I’m heading to your place right now.” Coty sounded worried.
“I’m supposed to meet Janus,” he replied in a dull voice.
“Fine. I’ll find him and tell him to meet at your apartment. I’ll bring coffee. See you in ten minutes.” Coty hung up the phone before Erebus could argue.
He trudged up the steps to his floor and stumbled into the living room. Shards of crystal lay everywhere across the floor. He ignored them, and instead dropped onto the leather couch to
wait.
Coty arrived first. He barged through the door. “What the hell happened here?” He set the coffees onto the table, grabbing Erebus by his shirt as he pulled him into a sitting position.
“We’ve got five minutes before Janus gets here. Talk. Now.” He reached for one of the coffees and pushed it into Erebus’ hand. He went to the kitchen and began opening and slamming cupboards. He came back in with a broom and began sweeping the broken crystal into the dust tray.
“Aurora’s gone.” Saying it aloud made the crack in his heart split further. “Nanny went after her to get to me.” Erebus spoke as he pulled off the lid, gulping the hot liquid like it was water.
“She left? What the heck happened?” Coty paused his sweeping.
“She trapped Aurora in a cellar down in the Rum Jungle. Then she tried to convince me I needed only her. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know if Aurora was alive or what had happened to her. I finally got a hold of Nanny and coaxed her out of my apartment. It was close to sunrise.” He reached for another coffee from the tray.
“What did you do to Nanny? She’s a blubbering mess. I didn’t think she even knew how to cry. That’s one Shadow who doesn’t have a conscience.”
“She does now.” Erebus could not have cared less. He shrugged. “We’re the same Shadow. Well, I guess we definitely are now. Just before dawn, I shoved her into a pay phone and went in right after her. I didn’t know if it would work, but it was the only way to find out what happened to Aurora. That’s one nightmare you don’t ever want to be in.” He shuddered.
“You shared a shadow object?” Coty’s eyes grew huge.
“Yeah. It seems if you’re the same, you can. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. You share everything -- your thoughts, emotions, fears. You name it. I know more about Nanny than anyone should ever know. She knows me as well.” He set the empty cup inside the other and reached for the third coffee. The Night Council would probably love to know that tidbit of information.
“That’s why she’s crying?”
“Most likely. She’s probably bawling because of my life. It’s pretty depressing.” And the fact I could have her destroyed with what I know she’s done and plans to do one day to the gals in the Night Council.
Coty dumped the dust tray’s components into the trash in the kitchen and returned the broom to its cupboard. He came back into view and stood by Erebus. “It doesn’t matter why. It’s just great she’s leaving.” Coty shook his hand as if to dismiss Nanny from the conversation. “Now what about Aurora?”
“She’s okay. Beaten up but she’ll be alright.” Erebus slumped forward. “It’s over. She’s had enough.”
“Are you sure?”
“Without a doubt.” He sighed, staring into his empty cup. He didn’t even remember drinking the third one.
“I’m sorry, mate. It sucks things turned out this way but really, it’s better in the long run this way. Give yourself a few nights and you’ll be back to your old self. Maybe we need to take a holiday. Weren’t you saying something about going to see Niagara Falls? Let’s –” Coty was interrupted by a loud knock.
“Janus.” Erebus stood and mechanically strode to the door.
“Good evening.” Janus’ face was serious.
“Evening.” Erebus nodded. Janus stepped in and looked around.
“Didn’t get a chance to say this before,” Janus pointed to the K6, “it suits the room.”
Coty stepped forward. “’Bus was trying to get domesticated.” He laughed as he spoke, but Erebus could hear the strain in his laughter.
Janus dropped the sides of his mouth down and raised his eyebrows. “Now you don’t have to worry about becoming extinct.”
“Exactly,” shouted Coty nervous.
Erebus shot him a warning look. “I haven’t tried it out yet.”
Janus walked over to the K6 and stepped inside. He picked up the receiver and held it to his ear. He poked his head out. “Does the phone work like a normal landline or do you have to pay to make a call?”
Erebus shrugged. He’d thought the exact same thing but didn’t bother to say it out loud. He just let Janus speak.
“If you have to put a dime or quarter into it, I’m guessing it’s actually a proper pay phone. If it’s just a regular landline phone, I’d be nervous in testing it out.” Janus stepped out.
Coty went in and punched in a number. His cell phone began ringing. “It’s a normal phone. Get it changed back to a pay phone, and I bet you’re good to go.”
“Sure.” Whatever. Erebus didn’t really care anymore.
Janus reached for a coffee on the table and found all three empty. “Coty, do you mind grabbing us a few coffees from the café?” Janus settled into the couch and set his briefcase on the coffee table, pushing the empty cups aside.
“Sure.” Coty disappeared out the apartment door faster than a speeding train.
So much for sticking at his buddy’s side. Erebus dropped into the chair across from Janus.
“So, it seems you’ve had quite the experience.”
Erebus blinked in surprise. Had Nanny told Janus everything? He waited for his handler to share what he knew. He wasn’t going to be the one who talked first. His relationship with Aurora might be over, but her life wasn’t.
“I spoke with Nanny. She seemed not quite herself. Pretty shaken up.” The corners of Janus’ mouth curled upwards a few times as though he tried not to laugh. “I didn’t know you had it in you. You’ve grown some courage and had enough of her bull, ‘eh?” Janus slapped his knee. “Good for you.”
“Is she leaving?”
“Oh yeah. Between the tears, hiccupping, and whining, she managed to say she needed extra funds to head to the West Coast. She wants to be far away from you. I have the feeling if she sees you again in the next hundred years, it’ll be too soon.”
“I’m glad to be rid of her. A millennium wouldn’t be long enough apart.”
Janus leaned forward and pulled money out of his briefcase. “I’m leaving you two weeks’ worth of money. I think you need some space.” He stared questioningly at Erebus. “Do you need more? Maybe you and Coty should head south for a few weeks. There’ll be loads of distraction looking for warm weather. It might do you good.”
It didn’t matter, nor did he care. “Two weeks is fine.” He got paranoid Janus might come around to check up on him. “I’ve got extra money around here I can use. Maybe I’ll head out on my own and let Coty use the apartment for a couple of weeks. He’d love that.”
Janus laughed as he stood. “I see you’ve got one of those keyless entry doors. If you do go, make sure you change the code when you get back. Coty’ll never leave, otherwise.”
Coty appeared at the door, as if he knew they were talking about him. He carried two trays full of cups.
“I didn’t know what you guys felt like, so I bought an assortment.” He set the cups down on the coffee table. “I also figured we could add a bit a flavor.” He pulled a bottle of Bailey’s and Amaretto out of his long coat pocket.
Janus stayed for one coffee and left. Coty and Erebus polished off both bottles. Erebus sunk deeper into himself and finally asked Coty to leave.
“Go hit the bars, Coty. I’m going to just chill here. I want to be by myself for a bit.”
“So you can wallow in self-pity?” Coty shook his head and almost fell off the couch. He’d drunk most of the two bottles. “I can’t let my buddy to that to himself.”
“Go, please. I’ve had one heck of a few nights. I’ll be fine.”
“You’re not going to do anything stupid are you?”
Erebus snorted. “I think I’ve done enough of that in the past few months.”
Coty grinned. “That’s the Erebus I know! Take the high road.” He stood up slightly wobbly and patted Erebus on the back. “We’ll get it sorted. Soon enough this will be a distant memory.”
Erebus watched Coty leave and sighed. This pain would always be a fresh wound every night he woke.
Forever. The thought made him wish morning would come that much faster.
It wasn’t long before Erebus started to live like a recluse. He rose when the sun set, stayed in his apartment or in the shadows when Coty forced him to go out. He refused to go to the Rum Jungle or anywhere near the college. He didn’t want to risk running into Aurora, for her sake but mainly for his. So instead he stayed close to his studio apartment, or on the other side of town, unsure what he might do if he saw her.
He despised his meager existence, but Aurora deserved a chance to live her life. She’d probably already moved on. Every thought was constantly about her. He couldn’t let go, and his heart bled with every beat. He’d never get over her, and didn’t want to. Her memory was fresh with each sunset. Closing his eyes, he could smell her sunshine scent and hear her husky laugh. He reached out to touch her soft skin and disappointment filled him when he realized she wasn’t there. Each evening it hurt to open his eyes again.
Winter came and went. Spring arrived with a fresh wave of depression. One evening, he grew so angry with himself. He was hurting everyone around him. Coty had just left, but not after spending an hour trying to beg Erebus to move away. Coty offered to go anywhere with his buddy. Erebus ignored him and Coty finally gave up and left for a sorority party on campus.
Disappointed in himself again, Erebus vowed to try and make things better. He began clearing all memory of Aurora from the apartment. The first thing seemed the hardest. It took him a long time to build up the courage to erase her from his cell phone contacts. His fingers burned, and it spread all the way up his arm to his chest as he blocked her number. The he stood and rushed about the apartment, grabbing a scarf she’d left, tearing up the note she’d written and more. He threw out all his bed sheets and stared at the stripped bed. It looked pathetic, like him,