Me: Of course!
Saul: Good, just checking, I need to get out of here.
Me: I bet! Do you want to come back to mine tomorrow?
Saul: I’d rather not if that’s okay. I think I need to get to my flat.
Me: I understand, I’ll take you there.
Saul: You can hang at mine if you want?
Me: Sure sounds good.
Saul: Okay, see you tomorrow and thanks, Pea. x
Me: Tomorrow Saul and no thanks needed! xx
When Soph comes back down, we head off.
“So train?” she asks.
“Yeah, unless you know someone who’d want to drive us?” I answer.
We’re both quiet for a moment until I say, “I suppose I could ask Dane, but I have no idea if he’s working.”
“No, let’s just get the train. It’ll be like a little adventure. We haven’t done something impulsive in ages, or something where it’s just us. I’ve missed you, Pea.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
“No, I’ve missed you. The real you, and from what I can see it looks like you’re back!” she says excitedly.
“Yeah, I know, you’re right. I just hid myself away from everyone. I hid myself away from me. I thought that was the easiest thing to do. Turns out, I’m not an ostrich and I can’t bury my head in that sand.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes then Soph pipes up, “Yeah, but wouldn’t that be a cool trick if you could?”
I chuckle, she knows how to lighten a mood. She’s usually the life and soul of the party. Not lately though, I need to find out what’s going on with her. I need to ask her… today. No point burying our heads in the metaphorical sand!
“I was talking to Con last night,” Soph interrupts my thoughts.
“Oh right, and what did he have to say for himself?” I casually ask, I’m not sure why as Soph can see right through me when it comes to Con. Proving it when she chuckles quietly.
“He was actually a bit cagy.” She frowns in thought.
“Oh, you don’t know why?” I ask.
“No, I tried to ask him. He just told me I was imagining things.”
“Well, what exactly do you think he was being cagey about?”
“We were just chatting, right? Like normal. Then I asked him what he’d been doing today. He said he’d been cleaning out his desk at work, which I wouldn’t have paid any attention too, but after he said that he then said, ‘shit,’ under his breath. Obviously assuming I didn’t hear, which made me wonder why he’d said, ‘shit,’ you know like he’d let something slip. So I asked him why he’d been cleaning his desk out, and he completely brushed it off.” She shakes her head in apparent disbelief.
“How did he brush it off?” I question.
“You know Con if he doesn’t want to continue a conversation he turns it a completely different way.”
We’re just coming into the train station. Thankfully it isn’t a very long walk. When we get to the counter, the ticket man tells us the train to Brighton is in the station and is leaving in five minutes. We hurry through purchasing our tickets and run to the train. We just make it, and sit down next to the window opposite each other when the train starts off. We settle into our ninety-minute journey and I pick up where Soph left off, knowing she was hoping to keep it that way.
“I know someone else who likes to turn conversations another way,” I state.
“Hmm?” she replies while staring out the window.
“Come on Soph, tell me. How did he stop you questioning him?” I know it’s something big, for her at least. She’s not normally backwards in coming forward, and with me she’s usually not worried about sharing. However, when she doesn’t want to, she will do everything in her power to divert your attention. I know I usually give her time to sort her head out before I badger her, however I’ve given her quite a bit of time lately while I’ve been self-absorbed, now it’s time to drag it from her.
She eyes me warily and says, “Nothing important, just this and that.”
“Well Soph, we have a long train journey ahead of us and I have nothing but time to listen to, ‘this and that,’” I answer with a smirk.
“You’re a pain in my arse, Amberry!” she answers sternly while I’m trying not to laugh.
“Yeah, but you love me,” I say and wink. I can see a dimple trying to appear on her cheek and I know I’ve won.
“He said you told him that you thought there was something between me and Dane.”
“Oh right, are you annoyed with me? Sorry, I wasn’t trying to upset you,” I rush out quickly, not quite sure why she didn’t want to mention that, but worrying that she’s upset with me for saying it.
“No, no, don’t be silly! I’m not annoyed with you. I was worried you’d be pissed with me.”
I stare at her for a second as I try to wrap my head around what she’s said.
“Soph, why on earth would I be annoyed with you?” I ask completely confused.
“I thought you had a thing for Dane?”
I wasn’t expecting that answer and I’m completely thrown, so I’m silent for a moment and Soph obviously takes this as my admission. When I catch onto her look, I’m quite loud with my answer.
“No… no… no way!” I stutter. Loudly. Soph looks past me, which makes me turn around. There are a couple of elderly ladies sitting diagonally behind me. “Sorry!” I say.
“Don’t you worry, dear,” says one of them smiling while I hear another one huff. “We were young once. Just keep in mind that if you talk loudly I’ll want to know the whole of the conversation. You can’t leave me on a cliff-hanger,” she continues winking at me while the other one rolls her eyes.
“Oh sorry, it’s just…” I glance over to Soph who’s obviously trying not to laugh before continuing, “My friend here thinks I have a thing for this guy…” I pause and think of how to phrase what I’m saying. I’m not even sure why I’m telling her this. Although she does remind me of Gran and she has a certain sparkle. So I find I can’t help myself. “Anyway, I think she’s already had a thing with this guy.” I smile.
“By, ‘thing,’ you mean sex, dear?” she asks and states at the same time. I can hear Soph do a kind of cough-laugh behind me.
“Urm, well, we hadn’t got that far... but yeah, I guess.” I try to smile, but it comes out a little wary as she replies, “We were having sex before your parents were even born young lady. So don’t worry about being embarrassed.”
“Oh, for heaven sake, Jean. Do you have to?” the huffy eye rolling one cuts in.
“Shhh Enid, this is just getting interesting,” Jean replies.
Soph is now snickering behind me.
“Are you twelve,” Enid asks her, which causes me to burst out laughing, the result of which makes Jean laugh too, and by the end even Enid has a smirk at the corner of her mouth that she’s trying to hide.
“Anyway,” I say after we all calm down, “I never actually got to answer, but just for your information, Soph,” I stop and look round at her trying to make a point with my eyes before I say the next bit, “I don’t have a thing for Dane. Period.” Even though we have been laughing and making it a joke, I can see her eyes working confirming I’m telling the truth. Which she does, in about a second.
“Wow,” Soph says. “I was sure there was something there. You normally keep people at an arm’s length, especially people you haven’t known that long, but you let him in and you tell him secrets you’ve kept hidden from me for years,” I can hear the hurt laced within her voice when she say the last part.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner… that I didn’t open up to you. If it makes you feel any better, I was trying to delude myself too. And as soon as I realised and pulled my head out of my arse, I told you,” I say trying to make her feel better, wanting her to know she isn’t at the bottom of my list, and that I hated keeping her in the dark.
“No, it’s okay. I know you’ve had your own issues to deal with lately. I’m just ashamed that a st
ranger was the one to bring you back. It kind of makes me feel like a shit friend.”
And right there is why my friend is so awesome.
“Don’t feel that way… ever. You’re a fab friend, and you’ve made me better. I got in an ambulance because of you!” Then I cringe remembering why I had to get in that ambulance, but Soph laughs.
“That’s true. I rock!” she says making a rock sign with her fist while sticking her tongue out. I shake my head and smile. That’s my Soph.
Just then Jean pipes up, I’d almost forgotten she was there, “I was married to my husband for forty years,” she says and I’m not sure where she’s going with this, but figure it’s lovely that she was with someone for so long.
“That’s lovely Jean,” I say.
“No, it's not, he was a prick.”
I look at Soph, who’s practically going purple trying to hide her laugh and Enid, who has her hands over her face and then look back at Jean who still has a twinkle in her eye.
“I want to be you when I grow up,” I whisper and she smiles at me, and it’s a smile that holds a secret, maybe a million, but it’s beautiful.
The rest of the journey goes by smoothly. We converse with Jean and Enid nearly all the way. They tell us that they are on a senior citizens outing with the home where they live. They’ve both lost their husbands years before, and it’s obvious they know each other extremely well as they act like an old married couple... a bickering married couple. They tell us about their families and they ask about us, well mainly Jean asks about us. I have a secret soft spot for Enid too.
We asked if they would like company for the day, but they declined saying we needed to do things that young people do and not spend the day with a couple of old codgers. When we argue they tell us off, much like I would imagine they would tell off their grandchildren, making me think that maybe we were wearing them out. So, we agreed we would go our own way, but I asked for their address at the home so I could write to them both. They seem pleased with that and the notion that I would actually write a physical letter.
When we’re getting ready to depart Jean calls out to us and both Soph and I look over to her on the other side of the carriage.
“If you want to take a bit of advice that’s actually worth a damn from an old lady, it is don’t ever let anyone break you… not even you. Don’t ever let someone else speak for you or make your decisions, and if you ever give your heart away, then you must make sure they are worthy of such a gift. That they are going to protect it forever and that they will willingly hand over their heart in return. Because there is no point involving your heart at all, unless you’re ready to hand it over to someone. You have to feel the same about each other. Otherwise you’re just listening to the concert from the bathroom, and then how would you ever know if your tickets were worth it?
I move over to Jean and wrap my arms around her and inhale her Anais Anais perfume and her Elnett hairspray, just like my gran used to use. She gently pats my back and I whisper in her ear, “I hope we become lifelong friends.”
She just pats me a bit more and says, “We will dear.” And as I move from Jean, I walk to Enid, who looks horrified at the idea of me hugging her, but I do anyway stifling a laugh while I tell her I’ll write her. She gives me a couple of pats on the back and then straightens. I step away for Soph to move in so she can hug her and hear Enid huff. It just makes me smile more. I know she’s loved our company, she’s just too stubborn to admit it.
By the time we’re off the train and out of the station we have completely lost sight of the two of them. I assume they’ve been ushered off by the carers from the home.
It’s only a twenty-minute walk from the station to the beach and Soph and I walk in comfortable silence. When we get there, I move onto the pebbled beach and sit myself down. It’s quiet because it’s November, and I love it. I listen to the waves ebb and flow. It’s like the sound clears my mind. I breathe in the fresh, salty air and smile. Gran would love it here on a day like today.
After about ten minutes, Soph comes to sit next to me.
“Where were you?” I ask her.
“Oh, I just wanted to take a walk along the beach a little. Just hadn’t stretched my legs enough on the walk here.”
“Okay,” I say and we sit again in silence both staring at the sea. I don’t know why I didn’t come here earlier, this place puts everything into perspective for me. Straightens out my mind and dusts away the cobwebs while chucking the clutter in the dump. I close my eyes and just listen. I think about what Jean said and what I’ve been through over the last few years, but instead of feeling like my heart is being ripped out my chest like I used to, I just feel peace, like I’ve finally moved past everything.
The sad things that have happened will always be there, but I can deal with them now. I can give them the acknowledgement they need then put them away. I do know one thing though, without any doubt whatsoever, I still love Con. I love him with my whole heart and if Jean was right then I am that person ready to hand my heart to him, forever. The only problem is, I have this massive cloud hanging over us that he doesn’t know about and I have to get past that to the sunshine.
“Shall we take a walk?” I ask Soph.
“Sure, how long have we been sitting here?” she asks.
“About half an hour.”
“Oh, I didn’t realise we had been here that long!”
“Come on,” I say linking my arm through hers. We walk to the walkway beside the beach and amble along slowly, taking everything in.
“Soph,” I say after we’ve been walking for a bit.
“Yeah?”
“That thing with Dane earlier... Why did you think I would be pissed? Is it because you do have a thing for him?” I ask.
She sighs, stops walking and turns toward the sea. “I don’t have a thing for him, Pea,” she states.
“Oh, okay, my mistake.”
“No, I don’t have a thing for him, but I had a thing with him a couple of years ago,” she replies and it shocks me enough that I’m quietly stunned for a minute.
“Oh,” I say when I finally get my voice back.
“So what happened?” I ask.
“Nothing. Nothing happened. That’s the point.” She sighs again and turns us so we’re walking back the way we came.
“I liked him, Pea, really liked him. He was the first person I really liked since…”
“What did he do?” I ask, knowing I will throat punch him if he’s knowingly hurt her.
“He didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. We agreed to a mutually beneficial relationship.”
“You agreed to fucking with no strings?” I ask and she smirks at me. “You know me so well.”
“So what happened?” I ask.
“What happened is I broke my number one rule and I let my feelings get involved. Not love, just pretty close to it. Then one night I saw him out with another of the models. They were all over each other, that’s when it hit me what we were. Fuck buddies. Nothing more. I couldn’t complain, I’d actually agreed to that. I mean that was my go to relationship. I guess I just never expected to start feeling something for him. When I realised what was going on I ended it. He was upset, but only because he enjoyed what we had. We remained friends.” She shrugs, but I know there is something she’s not saying.
“What else, Soph,” she doesn’t say anything so I nudge her. “What else?”
“Well, it’s just over the years we have developed a really good friendship, and sometimes I get the impression that he wants to have something more with me. He has made comments, throwaway lines about how if I ever decide to have a real relationship that he would happily take me out. I’d usually laugh them off, but I’ve become more aware of him lately since he’s been around so much. But now... since the attack, well, I’m just not interested. It isn’t just him, it’s all of them... men. I know I shouldn’t tar them all with the same brush, but I just can’t imagine a time when I’ll be ready to start something with
someone, whether it’s him or someone else. It doesn’t matter who.”
I slide my arm around her and give her a squeeze as we walk.
“You genuinely don’t want to be pursued by anyone at the moment, do you?” I question.
“No Pea. No, I really don’t.” I nod and let the subject drop. We walk to an arcade which is practically empty and try our luck on some of the machines. When we lose everything, Soph suggest the 2p machines. The ones that you put your money in hoping it will push down the other coins and you’ll get a windfall. After Soph has spent roughly a pound in two pence’s, she gets annoyed, as there’s a big gathering of coins right on the edge, ready to fall. So, she nudges the machine to try and get the money to topple over the edge, when it doesn’t she nudges it again, only harder, still nothing. The third time she throws her whole body into it and an alarm goes off. We stare at each other, then over to what looks like some kind of security man coming toward us. She grabs my hand and runs pulling me behind her. We run and run, the wind rushing over our faces until we’re sure he isn’t following us. Then we stop and dissolve into fits of laughter, in between huge intakes of breath from the running. We sit looking at each other laughing both wiping the tears from our eyes, with the occasional passer-by obviously thinking we’re crazy.
When we calm down, I look across the road and notice there’s a karaoke bar, open in the daytime. I look over at Soph.
“Oh no!” she says shaking her head.
I laugh. “Come on.” I grab her hand this time and drag her inside.
It’s pretty empty, but it has warmth, a bar, food and singing.
I smile at Soph and say, “You go get us a drink and order some food, and I’ll go book a song.” I wink and laugh at her while she shoots me daggers. I used to do this to her all the time, years ago. She doesn’t really mind, but she likes to complain and put on a show, mainly because she loves to sing, but she’s really bad at it. So when she complains, she can use that as her excuse to try and get out of singing. The only time I don’t push it is if we are out and Soph has a date because she absolutely will not show weakness in front of a guy. Luckily it’s just us and a bunch of strangers.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 17