by Amy Fetzer
"I've been patient. Goddamn noble. I loved you so much it never mattered what I wanted. Well, I've done it your way, Tessa. Done what was best for you long enough!" He crumbled the paper in his fist. "Now I do what's best for my son."
"Chase, wait!"
He didn't stop and brushed past a startled nurse. Tessa simply stared at the empty doorway, feeling the floor sinking beneath her feet. How had this happened? She just wanted more time, but now he looked as if he hated her. She sank into a chair as his intention suddenly hit her.
Oh, God. He was going to try to take her son away.
That afternoon Tessa stood in the doorway of her son's room, then looked back over her shoulder at her sisters, Dia and Sam.
"He had a crew in an hour after Christopher was born. They just finished."
Tessa fought back tears, moved to the crib and laid her son on the fluffy mattress. It was exactly like the picture. Everything was here, everything she'd sent back to him.
Till you hold our baby in your arms.
She swallowed and brushed her fingers over her baby's head. He was the image of Chase; already his eyes had that stark, deep blue. How was she going to live seeing Chase in her baby's face every day? But what about what he'd said to her, the threat?
"Tell me he can't take him, Dia."
"I can't. He's done nothing wrong. In fact, his behavior is and was exemplary. The mother usually holds more power in a decision, but no judge will find him an unfit father."
Tessa knew it before she spoke. God, how had she made such a mess of their lives. She slipped her finger into Christopher's fist, her heart clenching as his fragile grip tightened.
"Come on, Sis," Samantha said, shooting Dia a quelling look, then wrapped her arm around Tessa and pulled her from the room. "You need to get some sleep."
I need to crawl in a hole and die, Tessa thought, moving numbly to her bedroom. She let her sisters pamper her, tuck her in, then she rolled over and cried into the pillow. She loved Chase so much, needed him. She'd had it all and lost it. She'd pushed him too far.
Tessa smiled weakly at Carole Anne and Carl as they fussed over their grandson. Colin sat on the edge of the sofa, making faces and baby talk at Christopher. It was amazing how grown men reverted to idiots when they were around newborns. She couldn't deny them visits, but they had no idea how hard it was. She felt like a hypocrite. The one person who should be in her son's life, wasn't.
Carl looked up, his eyes dark and accusing. "Chase should be here to see this."
Carole Anne nudged her husband sharply, and Tessa looked away. Chase doesn't want to be here with her. Chase only wants Christopher, she thought, and she was constantly tormented by the last words he'd said to her. I loved you enough. Loved. Had she crushed it so easily? It proved to her that Chase wanted his son and not her. And her heart threatened to shatter again.
Colin asked to hold Christopher, then scooped up her baby, carefully sitting in a chair. He showed Christopher the stuffed elephant he'd brought, one of several in the two weeks since the birth.
Chase's mother lifted her gaze to Tessa's. "Have you spoken to him?"
Tessa shook her head. The memory of the last time she saw him, in the hospital, his rage, his fist crushing the birth certificate as he threatened her, played over and over in her mind. She was scared to confront him and, mostly, she was devastated. She'd brought this on herself, hurt him beyond reason, and she hated herself for it, hated that the memory of her own parents' arguments kept coming back to haunt her, make her unsure of his love. Why were you so certain of your heart three months ago, so certain that you would die before admitting he didn't love you enough?
Now I do what's best for my son.
She felt doom approach every time she remembered the wounded look in his eyes. If her misgivings hadn't destroyed him, her refusal to let him into her life would. She would never deny him Christopher, but he hadn't made an effort to come see him, either. Or to see her. She couldn't decide which hurt worse—his threat to do what was best for their son or this feeling of total abandonment of their love.
An hour later, Carole Anne and Carl left, yet Colin lingered at the doorway, not ready to give up playing with his nephew. "It's killing Chase not to see you two, Tessa," he said suddenly, lifting his gaze from the baby. "You're not being fair. He loves you so damn much. God, he'll grill me for an hour when I see him."
It was killing her not to see him, not to see the love he had for Christopher grow, see him hold his son, talk to him. Tessa wanted so badly in that instant to call Chase, to invite him over, but his threats vibrated in her mind, holding her back. She had to protect herself and her son. She didn't want to interrogate his brother and make him betray a confidence, but as she took back her son, she had to ask. "Colin." She hesitated. "Do you know what he's up to?"
Colin arched a brow. "Nothing as far as I know." He studied her for a moment, his features tightening. "God, he's got you terrified."
Tessa looked away, rubbing her cheek against Christopher's head.
"He would never do anything to hurt you, Tessa." Colin shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged as if he couldn't explain. "He knows exactly what he wants, and he'll get it."
Tessa straightened and looked into Colin's Irish eyes. "So will I."
Chase nestled his son in his arms, rocking him back to sleep after his bottle. He was silently pleased that Tessa had found she couldn't breast-feed for long. It gave him the chance to feed his boy, be with him alone. God, if she knew he was here, he thought, dread racing up his spine. In the distance the phone rang, and after a few moments his mother slipped quietly into the room, her footsteps silent. She didn't have to say that Tessa was coming home. He knew.
For a few minutes he considered waiting, letting her see that no matter what she wanted, he was going to be Christopher's father in every way. He tossed the notion aside quickly, still too hurt by her quick dismissal of their love to confront her. He put his son in his crib, patting his diapered bottom before he left.
Dave nudged Chase.
"Who's that?" Dave said, and the admiration in his tone sent Chase's head up, his eyes narrowing. He straightened immediately as Celeste came toward him, her tiny feet agilely stepping over construction debris. He wiped his hand on his thighs, then grabbed a rag to wipe the sweat from his face and throat. He walked toward her, quickly noting she wrung her hands nervously. His heart rocketed to his throat and threatened his balance.
"Is it Tessa?"
She shook her head. "They're both fine." She hesitated, then said, "Can we talk, Chase, honey?"
He gestured to the shade of a tree, then folded his arms, bracing his shoulder against the trunk. Celeste glanced around, but wouldn't meet his gaze. "You're scaring me, Celeste," he said in a dark voice.
She looked up and her eyes were suspiciously shiny. "This is my fault. This mess with you and my girl."
"Tessa's a grown woman, Celeste. She chose to cut me out."
Almost violently, Celeste shook her head. "I was pregnant with Sam before I married Walter, and for years I based every fight on the fact that he married me for his daughter's sake and not for love."
Chase's features stretched taut.
"I think Tessa remembers what I went through. Even though she was just a little thing." A sob escaped her, and she covered her mouth with her hand. "This is my doing, the ways she thinks now, I mean."
She lifted her gaze and Chase felt cut in half. His harsh expression softened and he gripped her shoulders. "Did you ever change your mind about your husband?"
She looked at him, askance. "Certainly. He made me see that he wanted me first, always had." Her lips curved in a half smile, of memory and lost love. "Walter was a quiet man, but did what was best for his peace of mind first. I expected loud declarations, but I got my assurances in a fierce possessiveness that made other men cringe if they so much as looked at me with desire. He finally admitted that he'd gotten me pregnant intentionally, to keep me."
Cha
se smiled, wishing he'd known Tessa's father. Yet he felt if he did, there would be a shotgun at his back right now.
"I've tried to reason with her," Celeste was saying. "But she won't even discuss you with anyone."
And she wouldn't even speak to him, refused his calls. Chase reminded himself that he was doing what was best for his son. But deceiving Tessa, sneaking visits with Christopher while his mother was there or her sister, Sam, was tearing at him. He felt as if for the past six weeks he'd been betraying her, but she'd pushed him to going behind her back. His patience was gone, long gone, and Celeste's past had nothing to do with them now.
"She'll have to talk to me soon, Celeste. I can guarantee it."
Tessa stilled as Chase neared, walking across her shop, his hips rocking with his long, smooth gait. Her heart picked up its pace, but he scarcely paid her a glance, passing her and bending immediately to Christopher. From his day swing, her son cooed softly, reaching out to grab his nose, and Chase nuzzled his tummy with his head. Christopher's little arms flailed, a tiny pounding, and Chase laughed deeply.
"Hey, slugger! You're eating well, I see." He kissed him once more, then straightened, and the baby whimpered, tilting his face to look up at the shadow of his father. Tessa frowned, her gaze shooting between them. Christopher hadn't been around him since the birth, but it was as if he knew exactly who Chase was. Was it instinct?
Chase kept the smile plastered on his face and wondered how long he could put up with this act. He was miserable and she wasn't in such great shape, if her gaunt look was any indication.
"Hello, Tessa."
She nodded, clamping a tight grip on her emotions. "Chase."
He missed the sound of his name on her lips. His gaze hungrily swept her from head to toe. "You look great." It was sort of odd, seeing her without a huge tummy. Her clothes, a short, deep purple skirt and matching scoop-neck silk blouse, nipped her figure in all the right places. He could see the hint of her bra, lace and shaping, and he realized it matched the outfit. It was incredibly arousing.
Christopher fussed and Chase dragged his gaze from her and lifted him from the swing. The boy settled quietly against his father and Tessa's throat closed. She would never tire of seeing them together like this.
"He's wet." She reached for the baby as Dana called to her. "I can manage. See to your customers. Just point me in the direction." After a moment's hesitation that set his teeth to grinding, she nodded to the office. Chase walked into the office, laying Christopher on a small dressing table to change him. A small portable crib rested in the corner, toys and clothes stuffed under the base.
"Whew, son! You couldn't save that one for your mom?" The infant's little mouth opened as if to speak, his legs and arms wiggling. "I guess she gets her share, huh?" With a hand on his son, he gathered the necessary items to attack a diaper dirty enough to bring down Kuwait.
Tessa's fingers tightened on the doorknob as she watched Chase. His moves were swift and sure, but he played with Christopher, nibbling his toes, raining quick kisses over his face. Their baby giggled.
And Tessa felt like the biggest fool.
Three days a week Christopher was here with her in the shop; the other three days were spent between Carole Anne, her mom and Sam until she could find a care-giver worthy of the future president. She'd love to have Christopher with her every minute, but found it hard to get any work done with her son so close, when she wanted to simply settle on the couch and hold him all day.
"Has he been fed?"
Tessa started, focusing her vision on Chase. She nodded.
Chase dismissed her and looked down at his son. "Nap time, kiddo. No, now don't whine. I'll hang around, scare away any bogeymen. You know, dad stuff."
Tessa's eyes burned and her composure sank to a deadly level. She had to be near him, smell him, if she couldn't touch him. She didn't think Chase wanted to even look at her. How had she turned their love into a cold battle so quickly? Even as regret laced through her, it only served to confirm that he wanted his son. And not her. Why else would his love die so quickly?
Chase was all too aware of the woman standing beside him as he laid down his son. He could feel her eyes on him, touching over his body, and he wanted nothing more than to grab her up in his arms and kiss the daylights out of her. His groin hardened at the thought of having her close to him again, of smelling her scent, feeling her body sheath his. But he was hurting—hurting that she'd allow his family access to their son and not tolerate a moment with him. The only reason he'd barreled his way in today was that he missed Christopher. And he missed the sight of her over the past weeks. He knew he was risking his heart every time he looked at her. "Chase?"
Chase straightened from patting his son into sleep and stared into her fiery green eyes. "Don't lecture me on my rights, Tessa."
"I wasn't." She licked her dry lips and his eyes flared. "How have you been?"
"Rotten." His expression was bland, uncaring, and Tessa felt her throat tighten.
He covered up his son and turned away.
"Chase, wait."
He faced her, sparing her a painfully mild glance. "Yes?"
God, he felt miles away from her now. "We need to talk."
Slowly he shook his head. He couldn't do it, not now. If he did, he would spill his guts and tell her how mad he was, how much he was hurting and that she was to blame for reliving her mother's past at his expense, at the expense of their love. That he loved her and missed her and hated her, all in the same breath.
"The only thing I want to hear you say is that you were wrong."
"We've gone beyond that now."
"We haven't gone anywhere but backward, Tessa."
Her eyes narrowed.
"I was a fool to believe you could love me," he said, and his voice wavered.
"I do," she whispered, and his posture stiffened.
He scoffed meanly, open wounds driving him. "Well, you have a strange way of showing it." He opened the door.
"Chase, wait," she called softly. "You can't just walk away."
"Watch me." He was gone.
* * *
Eleven
« ^ »
Tessa didn't think anything could hurt her more than seeing Chase and having him walk right past her. But when she stepped out of the delicatessen the next day and saw him, farther down the street and heading to his Jeep, they both stilled. His gaze briefly dropped to Christopher, then shot back to her. She couldn't decipher his expression, it was so hard, and she gripped Christopher's stroller handle tighter. Then he climbed into the Jeep and shut the door. Tessa felt the sting of his actions spin through her and she walked briskly toward the park, avoiding eye contact. He wouldn't even take a moment to say hi, to touch Christopher, to talk with her? Good God. Did she need any more proof that she'd lost him?
Chase's gaze shifted over the steering wheel to Tessa walking across the street toward the park. It hurt just to look at her. Six of the longest weeks in his life since Christopher's birth and they were going nowhere. Why wasn't he storming after her and demanding she come to her senses? Because you keep getting your teeth knocked in, that's why, he thought. Chase examined his feelings, his methods, and reasoned that he could have gone about the whole matter differently, if he didn't love her so much.
Hell, he knew he was a threat to everything she'd worked for and planned so meticulously. He'd walked into her life and turned it upside down. But falling in love hadn't given her the commitment she wanted, and Chase didn't know how much more devoted he could be to her. God, he thought, closing his eyes against the sight of her. He loved her so much. And he knew what she was thinking, the same thing she let torment her for months. Is it me or the baby he loves? Is his love because I'm the mother of his son? If Christopher weren't here and we'd met under different circumstances, would he love me for just me? Those questions had tormented him, too, but she didn't see that.
And Christopher would always be there.
Even if he never married he
r, they would be forever connected through that little boy. And even if they didn't work this out—his chest clenched at the thought—he would always be a part of Tessa's life. His fingers flexed on the steering wheel. And from the looks of it, they would just keep hurting each other. Chase's expression withered into utter sadness. He got her love during a tough time in her life, he thought, trying to see things totally from Tessa's point of view. It couldn't have been easy, deciding to have a child without a father, then to do it, only to have him, a man who should have remained anonymous, threaten her world. And now she probably thought he'd take Christopher from her. Even though he loved her too much to do that, he knew that's what she was thinking. And in his hurt, he hadn't corrected her.
She loved him still, Chase didn't doubt. But that love was buried. If she could learn to trust his love for her, he'd see it again. He had to keep believing that her distrust was why she didn't want him around. The heart rules the head and the body rules both, someone once told him.
He turned his gaze to Tessa and studied her like a painting as she laid his son on a blanket, then unfolded her lunch from a paper sack. A magazine on her lap, she munched on a sandwich as she patted Christopher's diapered bottom. Her back braced against a tree, their tree, their spot, she worked off her shoes and crossed her legs at the ankles.
She looked like dessert. Her stomach was flat, her breasts plump and nearly spilling from the fitted blouse. He wanted to unlace the satin strings crisscrossing from her waist up to her breasts and fill his hands with the soft mounds.
But mostly he wanted her to come to him.
His fists clenched, the only sign of the battle waging inside him—his desperation to leave the Jeep and go to her, to tell her he loved her more than his life and that he would do almost anything to have her back in his. Almost. Chase wasn't settling for half a relationship anymore. He wanted all or nothing. His head was ruling this time.
He started the engine and pulled into traffic. He didn't see Tessa rise up on her knees and wave to get his attention, didn't hear her call his name before she resolutely settled back to the blanket and watched him drive away.