by Dave Barry
ANCHOR: What is?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: At this point, Bob, it’s too soon to say.
ANCHOR: How would you describe the mood there in Washington?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: I would describe it as uncertain, Bob. Although at this point it’s probably premature to speculate. Again, the White House is right behind me.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Rex, and keep us posted. Joining me now is H. Carlton Prongdale, a former high-ranking government official who we keep here in the studio at all times in a suit and tie in case we need him to provide insights on something. Carl, thank you for joining us.
FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL: My pleasure, Bob.
ANCHOR: As a former high-ranking official, what is your take on this situation?
FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL: Bob, given what we know at this point, I think it is highly likely, based on my years of experience as a former high-ranking official, that we are dealing with a situation that at this point has too many variables—unknowns, so to speak—to make any definitive assertions regarding possible scenarios or outcomes, if you will.
ANCHOR: If I will what?
FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL: I have no idea.
ANCHOR: Fascinating. Thank you, H. Carlton Prongdale.
FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL: Please don’t put me back in that room.
ANCHOR: We’ll be right back with our continuing coverage of this breaking story after this commercial message aimed at the easily alarmed near-death demographic watching twenty-four-hour cable news.
SPOKESPERSON: Hi, William Devane here for Buy Gold or Die. You may know me as a fading, semi-obscure actor reduced to doing commercials, but I’m also a senior citizen like you who is alarmed by all these stories on cable TV news. That’s why I invest in gold, and you should, too, unless you want to wind up homeless eating dog food in an alley. Because the world economy is about to collapse and your money will be worthless. That’s why we want you to send it to us in exchange for gold. Call the number on your screen right now. I’m not talking about the good dog food, either. I’m talking generic. Take it from me, William Devane. I played that guy in that movie.
ANCHOR: If you’re just joining us, we’re covering a breaking story concerning something that has reportedly happened. I am joined now by a female co-anchor who is here in the same studio with me but standing roughly thirty feet away for no apparent reason. Janet, what have you got for us?
CO-ANCHOR: Bob, on this high-definition screen next to me is a computer-generated graphic representing the Earth. As you can see, it’s a sphere divided into two hemispheres, the northern and the southern, with the northern on top.
ANCHOR: Fascinating. Do we know which, if any, of these hemispheres could be involved in the current situation?
CO-ANCHOR: At this point, Bob, our best guess is that it could be either one, although it’s probably too soon to speculate. We do know that the Earth rotates on its axis once a day, so the degree of darkness, or lightness, is dependent upon—
ANCHOR: Hold that thought for a moment, Janet. I’m getting word in my earpiece that we’re going back to Rex Farmtrout in Washington for an update. Rex?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: Bob, I’m still here in front of the White House. That’s it there, right behind me. Back to you, Bob.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Rex.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: No, Bob. Thank you.
ANCHOR: And now for this commercial message.
SPOKESPERSON: Hi, Dick Clark here. When it comes to today’s active senior lifestyle, there’s only one name to trust in home delivery medical supplies: Catheter Planet. They offer great service and instructions written in a really big font. And for you seniors concerned about the looming world economic collapse, they even have investment-grade catheters made of solid gold! Take it from me, Dick Clark: I died in 2012.
ANCHOR: If you’re just joining us, we’re following a breaking story concerning some kind of development that has reportedly occurred. To help you better understand this story, we’ve created a dramatic computer graphic logo that we’ll put on-screen before and after commercial breaks. Also we’ll be playing four somber musical notes as “bumper” music to indicate how serious the situation potentially is.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
ANCHOR: And now to get an international perspective on this developing situation, we’re going via satellite to foreign correspondent Knowles Cardigan, who is currently in a foreign country located abroad. Knowles, how would you describe the international reaction to this breaking story?
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT: Bob, I would describe it as subdued.
ANCHOR: So the international community is concerned?
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT: No, Bob, the international community is asleep. It’s the middle of the night over here. I myself am wearing pajamas under this suit.
ANCHOR: Can you speculate on how the international community is likely to react when it wakes up?
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT: It will probably go to the bathroom, Bob. But it’s too soon to speculate.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Knowles Cardigan. Joining me now in the studio is Veronica Bargewater, one of our staff experts that we bring in on these breaking stories to provide specialized expertise. Welcome, Veronica.
EXPERT: Good to be here, Bob.
ANCHOR: I understand you have some video to show us?
EXPERT: I do, Bob. Take a look at this.
ANCHOR: My God.
EXPERT: As you can see, the neonate, which at this point is only thirty-three days old and completely blind, emerges from the mother’s uterus and uses its forelegs to climb up the mother’s abdomen to her pouch, where it latches onto one of the four teats and begins to feed.
ANCHOR: Is that a baby kangaroo?
EXPERT: It is, Bob.
ANCHOR: So this story that we’re covering involves kangaroos?
EXPERT: Not necessarily, Bob. I was the only staff expert available on short notice, and my specific area of expertise is native Australian wildlife. But at this point we can’t rule anything out.
ANCHOR: Let’s check back in with Rex Farmtrout in Washington. Rex, your thoughts on this latest development?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: Bob, I’m curious as to how big that baby kangaroo is.
EXPERT: It’s 1.5 centimeters, or about the size of a jelly bean.
ANCHOR: Fascinating.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: If you need me, I’ll be right here. In front of the White House.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Rex Farmtrout. And now for this commercial message.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
SPOKESPERSON: Hi. William Devane again. If you bought gold in response to my earlier commercial, you have made a huge mistake. Because of very recent world developments, what you need to buy now is silver. You need to buy it right away, before everything changes again. So hurry up and call the number on the screen or . . . Wait! It’s changing again! Now you need to buy platinum. Hurry! There’s not even time to call! Just throw money out your window and we’ll retrieve it. I’m William Devane.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
ANCHOR: We realize we’ve been throwing a lot of information at you viewers as this story develops. So now to try to make some sense of it all, let’s turn to two professional political commentators, representing the left and right wings, to give you a balanced perspective.
LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR: Bob, at this point the last thing we want to do is politicize what could be a tragic situation, which is clearly the result of the racist, homophobic, anti-woman policies of the Republicans, unless it turns out to be something good.
RIGHT-WING COMMENTATOR: Oh yeah? What about Benghazi?
LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR: You’re an idiot.
RIGHT-WING COMMENTATOR: No, you’re an idiot.
ANCHOR: Thank you both for that perspective.
LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR: We’re also available for paid corporate events.
RIGHT-WING COMMENTATOR: Sometimes, for fun, we exchange roles.
ANCHOR: We’ll be right back after this commercial message.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
SPOKESPERSON: Hi, Wilford Brimley here. I want to talk to you about something that’s very important for all of us senior citizens. But I am God damned if I can remember what it is. I’m Wilford Brimley.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
ANCHOR: Joining me now in the studio, as we continue to look for answers in this developing story, is a Magic Eight Ball. Based on what we have learned so far, what do you make of this situation?
MAGIC EIGHT BALL: Reply hazy, try again.
ANCHOR: Fascinating.
MAGIC EIGHT BALL: Ask again later.
ANCHOR: I’m now hearing in my earpiece that there has just been a new development in Washington, so we’re going back now to correspondent Rex Farmtrout at the White House. Rex?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: Bob, we received a report that just a few minutes ago somebody may have seen something fly past the White House, which you can see behind me here.
ANCHOR: Do we know what it was?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: I don’t want to speculate, Bob, but apparently it looked like some kind of small flying animal, like a bird. Or a bat. Or possibly even a large insect.
ANCHOR: Could it have been a kangaroo? As we’ve established, they can be quite small.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: At this point, Bob, I don’t think we can rule out the possibility of a small kangaroo.
ANCHOR: Is it possible that this kangaroo—assuming it was one—could be linked to this ongoing situation that we’re covering?
MAGIC EIGHT BALL: Too soon to speculate.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: I would have to concur, Bob.
ANCHOR: Good work, Rex. Keep us posted on this developing angle. Joining me now in the studio is professional pollster Lance Pemmican. Lance, what can you tell us about the public reaction to this story?
POLLSTER: Bob, our latest scientific poll shows that Americans are deeply divided about this story, with 31 percent saying they are moderately alarmed, 24 percent saying they are very alarmed, 12 percent saying they are undecided, and 33 percent agreeing with the statement that the world is controlled by a giant invisible telepathic clam named Ronaldo.
ANCHOR: Can you tell us about the scientific methodology you use to conduct your polls?
POLLSTER: Bob, we call people at random, and if they are stupid enough not to hang up on us immediately, we ask them questions about subjects they know absolutely nothing about. We then convert their answers into scientific-sounding percentages, which in turn are reported as if they were actual news.
MAGIC EIGHT BALL: Fascinating.
POLLSTER: Sometimes they ask us to sell them gold.
ANCHOR: Lance, I’ve got to let you go because I’m hearing in my earpiece that we have a major new development breaking on Wall Street. We’re going now to financial correspondent Drake Halyard at the New York Stock Exchange. Drake, what’s happening?
FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT: Bob, we’re seeing a sudden, massive, across-the-board plunge in stock prices caused by investor panic in response to reports that there has been some kind of attack on the United States.
ANCHOR: My God. What kind of attack?
FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT: The reports are sketchy, Bob, but from what I’ve been hearing from panicked investors, it may have involved an airborne marsupial.
ANCHOR: A what?
FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT: I assume it’s a military term, Bob. I don’t want to speculate, but it could possibly refer to some kind of drone, or missile.
ANCHOR: My God.
FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT: I know, right?
ANCHOR: Do you think this attack could be related to this breaking story we have been following?
FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT: Bob, it’s too soon to speculate, but, yes.
MAGIC EIGHT BALL: Fascinating.
ANCHOR: We’re going now to Rex Farmtrout, standing by in front of the White House. Rex, it is now our understanding that the United States has been attacked by missiles.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: Oh my God. Are you talking about nuclear missiles?
ANCHOR: At this point, Rex, based on what we know, I don’t see how we can rule that possibility out.
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: Oh my God.
ANCHOR: Yes. Can you tell us what the situation is there in Washington?
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT: It’s very tense, Bob. I need to find a bathroom.
ANCHOR: Keep us posted, Rex. If you’re just joining us, the United States has reportedly been attacked by nuclear missiles. We certainly don’t want to speculate, but the death toll could be in the millions, if not higher. Joining me now in the studio to provide some perspective on all this is Hodge Broner, who hosts the reality TV survival series Naked and Completely Nude. Hodge, based on your experience as a host, how horrible is this post-apocalyptic nightmare going to be for the American public?
REALITY TV HOST: Bob, it’s too soon to speculate, but if Americans aren’t fully prepared to shoot and eat their neighbors, they have as much chance of survival as a moth in a bug zapper.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Hodge Broner. To recap what we know at this hour: Billions of Americans are feared dead following a reported nuclear missile attack. Joining us next will be the cast of Duck Dynasty, who will talk about how to shoot your neighbors, and celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, with some thoughts on how to prepare them. But first, this message.
BUMPER MUSIC: Dum dum dum dum.
SPOKESPERSON: Wilford Brimley here again, with an important question for you seniors. Have you seen my teeth?
REMOTE CONTROL: CLICK.
EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT HOME OWNERSHIP I LEARNED FROM JOHNNY CARSON
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Basically there are two kinds of houses:
New houses, which are crap, because they don’t build them the way they used to anymore.
Old houses, which used to be good, because they were built back when they built them the way they used to, but which today, as a result of being old, are crap.
So whichever kind of house you own, it’s going to be some variety of crap, which means sooner or later everything in it will break. Dealing with broken things is the essence of home ownership, and it’s exhausting. This is why all civilizations eventually end up in ruins. At some point the ancient Romans got sick and tired of keeping Rome fixed up, so they became lax, and then the Vandals come in and started vandalizing, and then the Goths showed up wearing heavy eye makeup and listening to The Cure, and that was the end of the Roman Empire.
Decay, leading to ruination, is the inevitable fate of every human structure, including your house. Your job, as a homeowner, is to stall the process as long as you can, knowing you will ultimately fail. I am here to help you.
I’m very familiar with house decay. I own an old house, defined as “a house that is nearly as old as I am.” It was built back when electricity had just been invented by the Wright Brothers, so the original wiring was primitive. Over the years additional sets of wires were installed by various owners to accommodate the newer, faster kinds of electricity, as well as later technological advances such as the telephone, intercom, cable TV, Internet, Wii, doorbell, etc. As a result, our house is now infested by a vast swarming mass of wires, thousands of miles of them, all of them currently obsolete. I would not be surprised to discover that we have telegraph wires leading to the attic, where the skeleton of a long-deceased Western Union operator is hunched over a telegraph key, waiting for word on the Titanic. (I don’t know, because I’m afraid to go into the attic.)
Our plumbing is also old, and—as is the case in many older homes—po
ssessed by demons. They live in the toilets. Sometimes I hear them moaning at night, when the house is quiet except for the sound of rats in the attic, gnawing on the bones of the Western Union operator.
Every week or so—more often during hurricane season*—something in our house breaks—lights go out, the phone stops working, an appliance malfunctions, a toilet starts shrieking ancient Aramaic curses, etc. My wife reports these problems to me, because we are a modern enlightened couple who have divided up our household responsibilities equally along non-gender-stereotypical lines:
My wife’s responsibilities: Cleanliness, food, décor, clothing, medical care, houseguests, parties, holidays, relatives and all other activities involving human interaction, such as talking.
My responsibilities: Things that break, lizards.
We have millions of lizards in South Florida, which is basically a giant tropical Reptile Sex Party. The little buggers are everywhere, including inside our house, where they stand around in a cocksure manner, sometimes upside down on the ceiling, making suggestive lizard motions designed to attract mates. I have repeatedly assured my wife that the lizards are harmless and not interested in us, because they know they cannot have sex with us unless everyone involved is really hammered. But she hates them anyway. She’s afraid they will run across her face while she’s sleeping. Seriously, she fears this; she has told me so more than once. Here is a verbatim exchange we had, which I am not making up:
ME: Why would a lizard run across your face?
MY WIFE (not trying to make a joke): To get to the other side.
So anyway, when my wife sees a lizard inside our house, she exits the room while demanding that I get rid of the lizard immediately. Which I do, using a simple yet effective seven-step procedure.
HOW TO GET RID OF A HOUSEHOLD LIZARD
Get a Tupperware container. I have achieved excellent results with Tupperware’s Wonderlier® model storage bowl in the 83/4-cup size, but you should use whatever is most comfortable for you.