by L A Cotton
The cool air licked at my face, and I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to calm my racing pulse.
“Dennis, I’m right here.” Her small hand landed on my shoulder, and I bowed my head, taking the comfort she offered.
“I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“You deserved to know the truth.”
I glanced back, and our eyes collided. Even now, facing the nightmare she’d lived, Cassie was still standing strong. How would I ever deserve her? Earn back her trust and respect?
It was a selfish notion, but after everything she’d been through, how would I ever be worthy?
When I didn’t speak, she repeated her words from earlier. “He can’t hurt me anymore.” And my only reply was three words that would never be enough.
“I’m so sorry.”
Cassie extended her hand, and I slid my palm against hers. It was crazy, but all I could think was I almost lost her even though she wasn’t really mine to lose. I’d walked away. Broken her. And she’d been crushed. Vulnerable. And that fucker had preyed on her.
“Dennis.” Her voice tried to soothe me. “Dennis, I’m right here.” She stepped closer, pressing her other hand against my chest. “See?”
“I knew there was something,” I choked out. “But this? I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“It’s my burden to carry. Not yours.”
“Cass—”
“Don’t look at me like that, Dennis. I’ve never told anyone the whole story. Not even Aunt Ruby. So please, don’t look at me like that.”
My hand stroked along her neck up to her cheek. “I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Come on, let’s go back inside.”
I let her lead me into the house, my mind working overtime. How was she so calm? So together? When, on the inside, I was seconds away from losing it.
We sat on the couch, our thighs touching, her hand still clasped around mine. I couldn’t speak, and even if I could, no words would ever fix this.
None.
But Cassie wasn’t done. Her gaze dropped as she continued. “When Mom and Dad came to the hospital, I was so relieved. I just wanted to put the whole thing behind me, to focus on my unborn baby. But do you know the first thing that came out of her mouth? ‘You foolish, foolish girl.’ And the look on her face ... the disappointment. It was like she looked at me and didn’t even see her daughter. I expected them to be angry and hurt and scared, but I never expected her judgment. As soon as I got released, I packed my life into a bag and headed here. I haven’t spoken to them since.”
“Jesus, Cassie.”
“I needed time, and before I knew it, Lilly was here, and life became even crazier. They’ve never even met their granddaughter. How screwed up is that?”
“You’re hurting,” I said.
“At first, my aunt was worried I’d run if they showed up, so she told them they weren’t welcome. Not until I was ready. And now almost eleven months have gone by, and it feels like forever. I don’t know how we go back.”
She glanced up at me, pain glittering in her eyes. “God, listen to me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to get so heavy.”
“Stop.” I slid my hand up to her neck again, rubbing my thumb over her pulse point, and her eyes fluttered closed at my touch. “You never have to apologize. Not to me. Not to your parents. What you went through...” Choking on the words, I sucked in a sharp breath. “You are loved, Cassie. Your parents, Lilly, your aunt, they love you so much.”
Cassie’s eyes opened, her gaze settling on my face. And for a second, I was sure I saw a flicker of hope there. Did she want me to own up to my feelings too? But as the words formed on my tongue, I bit them back. I didn’t want to stifle her or take advantage of her. Drawing her close, I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I’m glad you told me. If you ever need anything, you only have to ask.”
Our messy past crackled in the air around us, and neither of us moved. My lips lingered on her skin as she buried her face against my chest. And then she moved. Slowly. Until our mouths aligned. But I stayed still, letting her lead.
“Make me forget, Dennis. Just for a little while.” Her words pierced the silence.
Fuck. It was like having all my prayers answered and handed to me on a silver platter. But deep down, I knew Cassie was talking from a place of pain. She didn’t want me for me; she wanted me for what I could give her here. Now.
And I wanted so much more from her.
I wanted tomorrow and the day after and all the days after that.
God, I wanted it all.
But maybe that was my penance to pay for breaking her heart all those years ago. For choosing family over love.
My old man and an old promise over her.
When my lips didn’t meet hers, she pulled back, staring at me in the way I’d dreamed of so many times. “Dennis?”
“Cassie, you’re hurting and I—”
“Please, please just take it all away. Please.”
My thin rope of resolve snapped, and my lips came down on hers as both my hands buried deep in the loose curls framing her face. I could do this if I remembered it was for her. That it would ease her pain for a moment, even if it would hurt me more than I cared to admit. If she needed to use me for this, then I could do it.
It was the least I could for my hand in everything she’d been through.
One of my hands skated down her neck, testing the waters and giving her time to snap out of it and realize she didn’t want this. But Cassie only arched into my touch, whimpering when my fingers hovered on the neckline of her sweater. “Touch me,” she begged. “Don’t stop touching me.” While her voice screamed of desperation and determination, her body trembled with fear and wariness, and I found myself overcome with anger again. As if she sensed the air shift, Cassie drew back, palming my cheek. “I need this, Dennis. I need to remember it can be like this.”
I was so out of my depth. I wanted to make her feel good, to replace her painful memories with something pure ... but what if I hurt her even more, what if—
“Stop thinking and kiss me. I need you to kiss me now.”
Our lips met in a crash of teeth and tongues, but I eased her back again, pressing tender kisses along her neck, her collarbone. “I’ve got you, Cassie,” I murmured, and my gentle touch along with my words seemed to settle her a little. She melted back into the couch with a breathy sigh, and I continued my exploration, gliding down her ribcage until my fingers hooked underneath the material. I paused to give her a second to catch her breath and stop me. Instead, Cassie snapped her gaze to mine and nodded, giving me all the permission I needed. Her soft and warm skin felt like heaven as I stroked her stomach and made my way back up, ghosting over her bra and back down.
Being here with her, like this, well, it had me all kinds of messed up. My dick strained against my jeans, yearning for some action, but I ignored it. This wasn’t about me—it was about the flushed, breathless girl beside me.
Cassie made no attempts to stop me as my fingers found the waistband of her leggings or when my hand dropped lower, skating across her center, her desire and need obvious from the warmth I felt there. Instead, she sat up and dragged her sweater off her body, staring at me with lust-filled eyes.
No more words passed between us as I made her forget. My finger slipped into her leggings, finding her soaked panties as my mouth came down on her cotton-covered breasts. Cassie gasped, her body coiled tight, and then she melted into the cushions behind her as I rubbed her over the thin material.
“Oh god,” she panted, her body almost on the verge of coming undone, and I hadn’t even touched her yet, not really. Not how I wanted to.
“Does it feel good?” I asked low in her ear, and she moaned, mashing her lips together to stifle more moans.
Cassie grabbed my other hand and pulled it roughly to her breast, dragging the material away until it was skin on skin. I dipped my head, capturing the peak with my teeth and sucking gently. Cassie squirmed underne
ath me, and I went back for more. Licking and nibbling and kissing her. My fingers hooked her panties to the side, and she went as still as a statue. I instantly withdrew, feeling like complete shit, but then her hand was there, guiding me back to her most intimate parts.
“It’s okay,” she whispered, her voice shaky but full of conviction. “I want this.”
And maybe it was wrong. Maybe I should have stopped and given her time and space. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop touching her. Trying to piece her back together with my touch.
I took it slow. Curling one finger inside her first, I let her adjust to the sensations. It was obvious she hadn’t been touched since ... well, in a long time. And it made my chest swell knowing she trusted me to do this for her. Even if I knew everything would go back to exactly the way it was before when the sun came up. I found a rhythm, moving slowly. In and out, I mirrored the pace with my tongue across her chest and up her neck.
“Oh god, god.” Her breath became ragged as she clung to me, pushing me away all while pulling me closer. Her walls tightened around my fingers, and then her body undulated as her orgasm hit. I watched in awe as her expression softened, melting with pleasure. She was so beautiful. An angel in the dark.
My angel.
And I wanted nothing more than to give her back her wings.
19. Cassie
“Stay.” The words fell from my lips before I could think about what it was I was asking.
But the second Dennis kissed me, all the pain and memories and fear dissipated until I felt nothing. And despite knowing this wasn’t right, I wanted to cling to the feeling a little longer.
“Cassie, I don’t know if that’s—”
I balled my fist in his sweater and tugged until my lips found his again. “Stay,” I murmured between desperate kisses, feeling the lingering waves of pleasure rippling through me. “Please, stay.”
It was bittersweet—the familiarity of Dennis’s touch, his kiss, and the reason this was even happening in the first place. Beautifully tainted. A perfectly imperfect moment.
My hand slid down his chest, slipping underneath to feel his warm skin. He hissed, and the throaty sound spurred me on. Because Dennis—despite our history—was safe. He wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t take more than I was willing to give. And he would never put himself first. I could feel it in his reluctance, the way he held back as he kissed me. I’d coerced him. Forced myself on him. I was using him to my own ends, and Dennis let me.
He broke off the kiss. Our chests heaved between us as he stared at me again with that intense way of his. “Are you sure about this?” His eyes shuttered as if the words were almost painful to say.
“I’ve never been more sure.” I needed this; I needed to feel something—anything—other than the lingering memory of Lyndon’s cruel touch.
Dennis leaned in, capturing my lips in a tender kiss, and I knew this moment probably meant something very different for him. For me, it was a cleansing—a salve to numb the poison swimming in my veins—but for Dennis, it was more. And part of me hated myself for putting him in this predicament, but the other part, the part inherently changed by Lyndon Bennet, needed it.
And as I deepened the kiss, that part won out.
Dennis shifted us, moving me down onto the couch. My body hummed with anticipation, a tight knot in my stomach. Every nerve ending alight.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, his eyes drinking me in. Savoring the sight of me. It made me feel powerful ...wanted ... desired. It made me feel something I hadn’t felt in so long.
Then like a bucket of ice water, a high-pitched cry lit up the baby monitor.
“Crap,” I said, all but leaping off the couch, grabbing my sweater and yanking it over my head.
Dennis grumbled something under his breath, readjusting himself.
“I’m sorry. Let me go settle her and I’ll be back.” But as the words swirled around us, we both knew the moment was over.
“Go see to her.” He flicked his head to the stairs, the cries growing more restless.
As I left him sitting there, I knew I’d probably thank Lilly for her impeccable timing come morning, but right now, I wanted to scream. My body was coiled so tight, desperate for what Dennis had been about to give me.
“Cassie, is everything okay?” My aunt’s weary voice drifted out her bedroom door, and I peeked inside, trying to calm my racing pulse.
“Go back to sleep, Aunt Ruby. It’s just Lilly. I’m checking on her now.”
My aunt’s sleepy eyes stared back at me in the darkness. “Okay, good night.” Her voice trailed off as sleep found her once again. Closing her door, I hurried to Lilly’s room. The second I slipped inside, her cries subsided, but she looked flushed.
“What’s the matter, my sweet girl?” I scooped her up and felt her forehead. “You’re burning up.”
Just what I needed.
“Let’s get you some Tylenol.” Lilly cooed something that sounded a lot like victory, and I smiled as I carried her downstairs.
Dennis stood as soon as he saw us. “Is she okay?”
“She’s running a fever.” But that didn’t stop the little madam wriggling in my arms from reaching for him.
“She likes you,” I said with a smile as Dennis took her from me, and I went to the cabinet to find the Tylenol. I couldn’t resist glancing over my shoulder as he sat on the couch with her, making funny faces. Watching the two of them at complete ease with one another made my heart ache. Wishing things were different. Lilly deserved more. She deserved a father who loved her and provided for her and wanted nothing more than to keep her safe and watch her flourish. A wave of regret hit me so hard, I had to reach out and steady myself.
“Everything okay?” Dennis called, and I swallowed down the tears burning my throat.
“Still looking,” I lied. The medicine was right there, in its usual place, but I needed a second to get myself together.
Finally calm, I grabbed the bottle and plastic syringe and went to them. “Okay, can you hold her still?”
Dennis shifted Lilly until she was secure in his arms, and I bent down. “Here you go, baby girl. This will make you feel all better.” I measured the correct dose and brought the syringe to Lilly’s lips, letting her get a taste of it first. Her little tongue darted out, and I slipped the thing inside, releasing a little bit of medicine at a time.
“There, all done.” I placed the bottle and syringe down on the table and extended my arms for Lilly, but she turned into Dennis, hiding. He let out a smooth, if not uncertain, chuckle, but it did little to tamp down the irrational pang of jealousy I felt.
An awkward silence followed. The reality of the situation weighing heavily on us both. Dennis wanted something I wasn’t sure I could ever give, and even if I could, he was still in a world I wanted nothing to do with. We were exactly where we were four years ago, except now I had a daughter to consider.
What the hell were we doing?
“It’s late,” I rushed out. “You should go.”
“Cassie,” Dennis said as understanding shone in his eyes. “Don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”
I stared at the bundle in his arms. “It’s the only way I know how. I have to think about her. I have to—”
“Hey, beautiful.” He eased Lilly from the crook of his neck and held her in front of his face. “You should go back to your momma. But I’ll see you again soon, hopefully.” He tacked on the end before dropping a kiss to her fuzzy curls, and I was glad she was too young to understand his words. Promises he couldn’t keep.
Promises I wouldn’t let him keep.
Lilly came to me this time as if she’d heard him and wanted to please him. So little time together and they’d already formed a bond. It was right there in the way he looked at her, and the way she stared back. Like mother, like daughter.
My heart broke a little more for all the things she missed out on because of who her father was—and how she came into this world.
Dennis stood, running a hand over his head. “I’ll see myself out.” He held my apologetic gaze. “I meant what I said, Cassie. If you ever need anything, I’m a phone call away. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Pressing my lips together, I nodded, watching him walk away. He hesitated at the door and glanced back, waiting. When I didn’t say anything, he slipped into the night.
Taking the last piece of my shredded heart with him.
“COME TO AUNTIE MANDA.” Amanda scooped Lilly out of my arms and swung her around. When she’d texted to invite us to the park with her and Taylor, I’d jumped at the chance to get out of the house. Mrs. Garth was more than happy to keep Aunt Ruby company, and I was grateful for some fresh air.
Four days had passed since Dennis came over. Since I shut him down ... again. He sent me a text. Once, every day. And every day, I sent some brief formal reply.
We’re fine.
Thanks.
I’m okay.
Soon, I’d run out of replies. But maybe that was his plan all along—to wear me down until I gave him what he wanted. Which was what exactly? I still didn’t know, not really. I thought I’d glimpsed his feelings for me that night. But now that he’d had time to digest what I’d told him, how could he still want me and the baggage I came with?
“Cass? Earth to Cass?”
“Huh?” I blinked over at my friend as she bounced Lilly on her lap while Taylor went off to play with some kids her own age.
“Is everything ... wait.” She leaned closer. “You got laid.”
“What?” I gasped feeling heat bloom in my cheeks.
“Well.” She arched her brow. “Did you?”
“No. No!”
“But something did happen, didn’t it? You have this look.”
“You’re completely mad,” I said, trying to throw her off the scent.
“You saw him again.”
“Who?” I kept my eyes focused on Taylor, her hair blowing in the breeze as she ran circles around a little boy.
“The guy from your birthday. D ... Dennis, was it?”
My heart stopped beating. I’d been expecting this. Ever since she stumbled across us in the darkened hallway in Bellezas, I’d been waiting for her third degree.