Finn (philosophically) Ah, well, we had a Saint!
Father I'm grateful, don't misunderstand.
Finn (peering) Alhambra, California, sounds Catholic enough to me.
Father
Do you have the facts and figures on church attendance in Alhambra, California, close at hand, Finn?
Finn I do not, Father.
Father Then button your lip and fill my glass.
Finn What'll it be, Father, the Same or the Usual?
father leary glares, finn subsides, father leary peers.
Father
It says The Monongaheela Gimcrack Novelty Company Inc. Monongaheela? That's pagan Indian, ain't it?
Finn I wouldn't be surprised, Father.
Father Are you ever surprised, Finn?
Finn
Like you, very rarely any more, Father.
Father
I wish you'd stop teaming us up, Finn. (Reads) "A Little of Something for Everybody" is the motto of this manufactory in Alhambra, California.
Finn (savoring it)
"A Little of Something for Everybody"
Father
Now, if that doesn't sound like the title for a Protestant sermon, I never heard one—
Finn Oh, now, Father—
Father
Mind you, I don't say this manufactory put these signs out to make trouble in the world. No, far from it. In all innocence, I think they thought they was putting out lovely little mottoes such as GOD BLESS OUR HOME, which they were not. I forgive them their blind fumbling, Finn. But think of the misery they have probably spread in the world wherever these signs be!
Finn
I'm thinking on it. And I'm filled with remorse. You see, that salesman, he talked as good as you, Father. Yes, he did, he had a fine tongue, and first thing I knew I had the fevers.
Father You know what you have to do now, Finn?
Finn
What, sir?
father leary nods at the three items on the bar, holds out his hand.
(Groans) Oh, no.
Father Oh, yes, Finn.
Finn But I've only had them an hour, it's not been a true test, sir!
Father
Which is more important, the philosophy of this small town deep in green Ireland, or tuppence-hapenny?
Finn I wish it was tuppence-hapenny, sir. Father, look—
He hands over the shards and one sign.
Take STOP and CONSIDER with you. Leave THINK and DO with me.
Father Finn—
Finn
At the first sign of outbreak, unease, riot, or so much as a headache on the part of a villager, Father, you'll see these flying through the air onto the stones!
Father Finn—
Finn
Twenty-four hours, then, just let me keep them that long. The world was made in six days, Father, but Heeber Finn sure won't undo it in one, will he?
father leary sighs, shaking his head, beaten.
Father Twenty-four hours, then. I don't want to be hard.
Finn (smiling) And you're not! You're a man of reason. Here's to you, Father!
FINN drinks.
father leary picks up the broken bits and the one sign, studies them, peers at the others, starts to say something, shakes his head, moves toward the door. At the door he pauses, his back to the bartender.
Father Finn?
Finn Yes, sir?
Father
If you should need me ... don't waste time thinking on it. Give a yell.
Finn A helluva yell, Father.
Father Come early, stay late, Finn.
And the priest is gone.
finn exhales and strides about the bar. He wipes his brow.
Finn
Whew, Finn, whew! I'm shaved to the bone. 'Twill take a year for my beard to grow back! Well, what's the total? Two left out of four, but surely the most important of the whole kit. Where was I? Men! Boys!
He turns to shout through the door into the back room.
Is the game done? If not, bring it out here! A free round on the house!
Voices Free round! Outa the way, Men. Here we come, Finn!
The men surge out along the bar, gabbling, laughing.
The Old Man
It's all in balances and weights, you get a man so (Illustrates), and thus, and he's in the ditch before he knows the fight is over!
Casey
Women are cats, I said, born and bred in Africa, and shipped north to torment men in youth, middle age, and their dotage!
O'Hara
Meanness it is, keeps women alive long after a man, in his natural Christian goodness, has laid down with coins on his eyes—
Finn (pouring) Drink up!
The men drink. Each talks almost to himself. Each says, and all only half listen, their faces rosy fire.
Kelly
—worked in the pusstoffice selling stamps of all denominations . . . have you ever looked at stamps, man, close? A regular gallery of art in one hour's arrivals of mail from far countries . . .
The men, drinking, look around, notice the sign, THINK, as the talk continues, pay no attention, and go on with their blarney.
The Old Man —in the semicircular canals I heard once on the Radio Aerrean is this liquid which dances about ... if you can tilt a man so his semicircular canals are off center, he'll get seasick, and—
Kelly
They had a fine stamp once from Portugal, and a girl on it naked as the palm of my hand and twice as Umber . . .
The talk begins to die away during all the above and on through the next speeches. One by one, the men drop out of conversation.
The Old Man
Then I said to him, about fighting ... I don't remember what I said . . . hold on ...
Casey
My wife has six fingers on each hand and all claws. She
Well, that about describes . . . my . . . wife . . .
Timulty {trailing off)
Well, the bog business ain't what it was. I've said my say, I guess . . .
Kelly (fading away) Then there was a stamp from ... oh ... but why bother . . .
O'Hara (after a pause) Women are mean. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
The Old Man Well, now . . .
Timulty Yes, sir ...
Kelly Drink . . .
They are all suddenly uneasy and shy.
Casey Six fingers and claws . . .
They all look at their glasses.
Finn Drink up, boys!
the old man clears his throat, o'hara blows his nose. They all watch him do this, for lack of anything else to do.
TlMULTY
Old Man, tell us that joke about Nolan on the bridge.
The Old Man I can't remember.
o'hara clears his throat. The men shuffle their feet. The men peer around at each other.
O'HARA
How about some more cards?
The Old Man We was all losing.
TlMULTY
That's hard to do, but we did it. A nother silence.
Kelly Well?
Casey Well, indeed.
They move about uneasily. They peer at each other, glance at the sign, but say nothing.
The Old Man (in a spooky voice) Hold on.
They all turn to look at him.
Listen.
They listen.
What do you hear?
Casey
Nothing.
The Old Man
That's it. Do you realize that this very moment and hour is the first time in thirty years there has been silence in Heeber Finn's pub?
Finn Aw, now—
Casey (gasps) He's right!
Kelly By God, he is!
Everyone is spooked now. The men look around.
The Old Man
A lull is a strange thing to an Irishman.
Kelly (awed—sotto voce) You can feel the damn thing, like a calm at sea.
They all jeel it, together, finn is upset, but does not speak.
The Old Ma
n (whispering) Strange . . .
Casey Say something, Kelly.
Kelly (blinks) What, for instance?
O'Hara (whispering) Ah, for God's sake, man, "what for instance," what? he says!
Kelly You say something, Timulty.
He checks his watch.
Timulty I got to get home.
The Old Man {astounded) Home!
Timulty walks, dazed, to the door.
Timulty I think so, anyway . . .
He wanders out. All look stunned at the doors as they swing shut.
Finn (falsely hearty) Here's another belt for everyone.
No answer. No enthusiasm.
Kelly
See you later . . .
Finn Later?
And kelly is gone, too.
O'Hara I think I'll play solitaire . . .
He lays out the cards.
Ah, damn! I can see I've lost before I begin ... So long, boys . . .
He leaves the cards and goes.
Casey
For all I said of the little woman, she's mine and not well . . . I'd best go see how she does . . .
The rest follow, wordless, leaving only the old man and finn at the bar. finn comes out from behind the bar in shock, almost staggering with the blow of this great unnamed event.
Finn What happened?
The Old Man {puffs his pipe thoughtfully) A strange thing, for sure.
Finn
Everybody was so happy, everybody talking, everybody bustling about like always and then, as if the Red Death Hisself had walked in all bones at the strike of twelve . . . hush ... I never heard the likes in my life! Old Man . . .
The Old Man Hush up a bit, yourself.
the old man walks about the pub, sniffing, probing, squinting.
He glances now and then at the signs behind the bar and at last stops, looking at one of the signs, the old man goes behind the bar and reaches up to handle the one sign.
Finn Don't!
The Old Man Why not?
Finn I hate to see something shallow touching something deep, is all!
The Old Man
Don't be so sure about your shallows and deeps, Heeber Finn! Have you stopped to think—this may be the cause?
Finn The cause?
The Old Man
Of the lull, man! Of the damn peace and quiet which suddenly befell this place? Of the becalming of this ship of yours!
Finn
"Think" did that? THINK?
The Old Man
Think, Think, Think! Didn't you see their faces? I saw mine in the mirror, I watched it fall! I was talking along, fourteen to the dozen, when my eye spied that sign and my tongue went slower and I looked again and my lips tightened up on me and I read the THINK! again and the mud settled on the bottom of my brain! First thing I knew, I was "mum's the word," and so were the rest! I could see it come over them, they broke out in pale sweats! They been talking all their lives, man, and what did you do to them now?
Finn I didn't do anything!
The Old Man
Yes, you did; you asked them to think, think, think, what they was saying! That's more than enough to break a man's leg, his arm, his neck and then his back. Crippled them, you did. Called attention to their tongues and mouths. First time they had ever noticed they had tongues! First time they noticed they was actors, and they got stage fright! Think did it, man, think and nothing but think!
Finn (lets out a loud cry of anguish) Ahhhh . . .
The Old Man
Well may you groan. It's a sad day. Driving off old friends and pals. Scaring the wits out of them by showing them the marionette strings in their fingers and lips! How could you be so cruel, Finn?
the old man goes to the door.
{Shaken) I ask myself . . . how? How?
He exits, finn is alone. He groans again and bites his knuckles, pacing the room.
Finn
Finn, you idiot, Finn, you blathering fool! Thirty years you work to build a clientele and in one short day lop the heads and shoot the works. Lost! Finished! Done! Finn, what do you do now? Ahhh. . . .
He groans. His wife comes in from the street, looks at him, looks around, moves across the pub, stops, glances over at the last sign, walks closer, peers.
His Wife I can hardly believe my eyes.
Finn (destroyed) Ah, Woman, leave me alone.
His Wife (peers)
Does it say what I think it says, does it mean what it says? (Spells) D-O. . . . DO?
Finn Leave off!
His Wife (turning)
Why, Finn, it shows you're taking an interest. DO! That does mean ACT, and ACT means work, W-O-R-K . . . does it not?
Finn (punished but repentent) It does. (Shakes head once)
His Wife Then you'll fix the roof today?
Finn (bleakly) I'll get the tools now!
His Wife And mend the front step?
Finn (sinking fast) It's good as mended!
His Wife And put a new pane of glass in our bedroom window?
Finn (half under) New glass, yes!
His Wife And lay new cobblestone on the path behind?
Finn (sunk)
Cobblestones, glass, roof, steps, anything, everything, drive me, sweat me, kill me with work. I deserve it. I've sinned, I want to do penance! Make a list, Woman. Shall I paint the chairs, wax the bar? Sew buttons on my own shirts! I will, I will, I will!
His Wife (suddenly afraid) Ah, God, it's all some joke!
Finn I mean it! I'll chop turf!
His Wife You're not ill?
Finn That all depends how you make illness out to be!
She brings him the tool kit from behind the bar.
His Wife
Start with the steps, that's a love. Ah, Finn, you are a sweet man, when you want to be.
Finn (forlorn, unmoving) Sweet I am and glad you think so.
She kisses him lightly on the cheek and passes toward the back of the house.
The Wife (melodically) Wait for the roof till tomorrow, if you want!
She exits.
Finn (going mad)
Roof . . . tomorrow . . . want! Ah, ha, Finn, ah ha! Ah, ha! There you go!
He throws the hammer through the door.
And there and there!
He throws all the tools, one by one, then the box.
Ah, Finn, there, ah ha, Finn! Look! See how it goes!
He whirls about.
What else? What, nothing? Nothing to throw, save me. And I'm too weak to fling myself out on the stones. Ah, Finn, Finn!
He almost weeps or maybe does, it is hard to tell with the groaning. Then he sees the remaining signs. He runs and grabs them.
All right for you, THINK, all right for you, DO! Here's the end, the smashing end of you! You'll make fine music on the cobbles! One, two—
He is about to throw them when the double doors open and the salesman peers in.
The Salesman Ah, there, Mr. Finn, sir.
Finn Fiend of hell, get out of the way!
The Salesman Mr. Finn . . . you sound upset, sir.
finn hefts the clay mottoes but does not throw them.
Finn
Upset! Since you left this noon, it has been one plague of locusts on another!
The Salesman The philosophical mottoes, they didn't work?
Finn
Work! They lost me the use of friends, the respect of neighbors, the talk and the money of ancient customers, put my wife on my shoulders along with God, the Church, and Father Leary! Hooli-han, you and your "machines" have bent and broke me. Ah! Ah! Ah!
Finn's hands sink to his sides. The remaining signs fall to the floor without breaking. Finn's cries have become louder and louder; he grieves at his own wake. As he shouts his last "Ah," the salesman picks up the two signs, uncertainly, whereupon the double doors flap wide and there, with imaginary sword unsheathed, stands father leary.
Father Heeber Finn, did you call!
Finn {surprised) Did I? Why . . . so I did!
&n
bsp; father leary looks around, sees and stares at the salesman.
Father Is this the one, Finn?
The Salesman (miffed) Is this the one what?
Finn That's him, Father.
The Salesman (faintly alarmed) That's who?
Father (rubbing his hands together)
All right, then. All right.
The Salesman Is it? What is?
Father (at the door) Men! Inside!
There is no instantaneous response, so father leary lifts his voice and strikes out a pointing hand.
Timulty! Here! Nolan, not another step! Old Man, on the double! He holds the door wide, the old man peers in.
The Old Man (squinting right and left) Are they gone?
Father Are what gone?
The Old Man (suspicious) The signs, Father.
Father Ah, come on, get in!
the old man sidles in. nolan is behind him. All right, Nolan, don't clog the door.
All the men shadow-sidle in, shy and uneasy, mouthing their caps with their hands. With his army assembled, father leary turns to the astounded and now increasingly nervous salesman.
The Salesman What's going on?
Father
Well may you ask! I call your attention first to the fact that the man's wearing a suit and hat the color of burning ashes and black soot.
The men all gasp and nod in agreement.
The Salesman {controlling himself)
Or, to put it another way, the suit was dyed this color in the factory and the rest is dirt from the roads of Eire!
father leary is now slowly circling the man.
Father His eyes are green—
The Salesman From my father!
Father His ears pointed—
The Salesman From my mother!
The Old Man
What's eatin' the priest? I
nolan gives the old man a fierce elbow in the ribs which shuts him. father leary plants himself before the salesman.
Father Do you mind doing one thing, man?
The Salesman What?
Father Would you take off your hat?
The Salesman I will not!
Father He won't take off his hat.
Finn I heard him!
The Salesman The place is a tomb, I'd catch me death!
Father (hitching up his trousers under his skirt) All right, then! Let us see your feet!
The Salesman They're right down below for you to see!
Father Will you take off your shoes?
Finn That's a fine idea, Father, his shoes!
The Salesman
Ah, you're both daft! If I won't take off me hat I'm sure not to remove me shoes!
Father He refuses to take off his shoes!
Bradbury, Ray - SSC 10 Page 6