I cracked a slight smile, my first since before my father died. “I will.”
The doorbell rang, and when the next person walked in, I immediately regretted not telling Lorena to stop the visitors.
It was one of my father’s board members from the studio, Sam Shields. As much as I didn’t want to think about what Dad’s death meant for the state of the business, I knew there were hundreds of investors panicking right now. My father would want me to deal with it, and so I’d have to do just that.
I never left my spot at the table as Sam approached, holding a large basket of wine and cheese. He placed it on the center island.
“Ryder, I’m so very sorry,” he said, taking a seat across from me. “We’re all so devastated.”
“Thank you.”
“I wanted to let you know we’re here to support you. I know you’re probably not ready to think about the next step at McNamara Studios, but it’s something we need to decide very soon, and I wanted to offer my help.”
“What kind of help?” I asked.
Can you let me bury my father before we discuss this?
“Well, did your father ever explain to you what would happen with the studio in the event of his death?”
“We never went into it in too much detail, because this wasn’t something we expected. My father was too young to die. But I know he left me with enough voting rights that I can basically vote myself into his job.”
“That’s right. Technically, you could, but that’s not what I would recommend, given your lack of experience for the position. I know your father’s intention was that you would run the studio someday, but I think you would agree, he was counting on several more years to groom you.”
“Yes. I know that.”
“Anyway, I know it’s not the best time to discuss this right now. So I’d like to propose we set up a meeting next week.”
“Fine.”
“I’ll give you some privacy. You take care of yourself, Ryder. Let Laura and me know if there’s anything we can do.”
Leave. That’s what you can do. “Thanks. I appreciate it.” Now go.
Thankfully, he did. I couldn’t deal with thinking about the state of the company on top of everything else right now. I knew what was going to happen: Sam would round up a bunch of his cronies, and they would work to convince me to make the decision that was in their best interests. They would try to get me to appoint one of them to my father’s position.
Once my head cleared, I would need to decide what Dad would have wanted. That wasn’t going to happen in a week, no matter how impatient they were. In all of the preparation my father had done with me, we’d never once discussed what would happen if he died prematurely. No one had expected him to drop dead at the age of fifty-eight. Certainly not me.
***
The house emptied out, and I found myself alone with my thoughts for the first time in a while. There were a couple of hours until the wake tonight. Then tomorrow would be the funeral and burial.
I still couldn’t wrap my head around everything. Looking up, I spoke to my dad, wherever he was.
“I can’t believe you’re gone. If you thought I was in any way ready to survive without you in this world, you thought wrong. I might have put up a tough front and resisted a lot of what you had to say, but man, I’m not ready for this.” I shook my fists toward the ceiling. “You need to help me figure it out from wherever you are. Because I don’t know how to live without you.”
I quietly pleaded with my father for guidance before opening a box of items that had been brought over from his house.
Sifting through some of the old photos Dad’s housekeeper had found, I came across one of my parents and me when I was about seven years old. It was taken on the day of my First Communion. Sundays were always the one day my father took off from work. We would go to church and have family time. I hadn’t a care in the world back then, never imagining life without both of my parents before I’d even reached thirty.
I looked down at my phone, which I hadn’t bothered with in hours. Eden had sent several texts this morning to check on me. I quickly wrote back that I was okay and getting ready for tonight but that I would call her after the wake. It was hard for me to talk to anyone right now—even Eden.
There was a knock at the door. I guess my reprieve from visitors was short-lived. I really needed to shower and get ready for the wake, so I hoped whomever it was didn’t plan on staying long.
When I opened the door, I found the last person I’d expected to see. She looked as heartbroken as I was.
“Mallory.”
She started to tear up. “How come you didn’t call me?”
Does she even have to ask? “Given that we’re not together anymore, it didn’t make sense to call you.”
“You and your dad are like family to me—always will be, no matter what happens between us. I’m so sorry, Ryder. So sorry.” She took a few steps closer. “Can I come in?”
I didn’t realize I hadn’t budged from the doorway. “Sure.”
It shouldn’t have surprised me that she showed up. As much as we’d been through, she knew my dad well and truly understood what this loss meant to me. Dad was always very fond of her and had been disappointed when we broke up. He looked at her like a daughter. Given that Mallory had daddy issues—her father had taken off on her and her mother when she was young—she’d always respected my father for being loyal to his family.
Mallory suddenly threw her arms around me. My body stiffened. I took a deep breath, though, and let myself be consoled by her without judgment for a few seconds. Mallory had been the most important person in my life at one time. She was important to my father. I told myself it was okay to take comfort in familiarity at a time like this.
“I’d been thinking about you a lot lately as it was, and then when I heard the news, it just shattered me. God, Ryder, I have so much in my heart right now.” She placed her hand on mine. “Will you let me be here for you today?”
While I could understand her wanting to support me at a time like this, it still felt a little out of left field.
“How will Aaron feel about that?” I asked.
She looked down at her feet and paused. “I wasn’t going to bring this up because it’s not the right time.”
“Why? What’s going on, Mal?”
She met my eyes. “I broke off the engagement.”
What? “What happened?”
“I don’t want to get into it now, if that’s okay. My being here isn’t about me.”
Well, that was definitely interesting fucking news. An unsettled feeling came over me. But regardless, she was right. Now was not the time to discuss it. I couldn’t handle anything that was going to stress me out before having to see my father’s body.
I would allow Mallory to be a friend to me tonight and not overthink it any more than that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
*
EDEN
Part of the road had been blocked off to help control traffic. My Uber driver couldn’t get anywhere near the funeral parlor, so he had to drop me off down the street.
There was a line all the way down the sidewalk to get into Sterling McNamara’s services. I knew Ryder’s father had been a bigwig in this town, but I guess I never really got it until now.
I’d decided not to tell Ryder I was coming to Los Angeles. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to make accommodations for me or worry about me in any way. He had enough on his plate. But now I was sort of regretting not mentioning anything to him, because I had to stand in line with everyone else, and I worried I might not make it in before the viewing hours ended. It was going to be at least an hour before I got inside the place.
I thought about texting him, but I didn’t want to be disruptive. He was likely receiving guests, shaking hands with people and wouldn’t be able to leave to come let me in. I remembered how it was when my mother passed away. Even though she didn’t have a crowd of people at her wake, the responsibility
of the entire event fell on me. I was sure it was no different for Ryder.
So, I resigned myself to waiting with everyone else. I could wait. This wasn’t about me; this was about showing my support for him.
Looking around at all of the fancy people in their expensive clothes, I felt out of my league. The woman in front of me was holding a handbag I knew cost more than my mortgage. Meanwhile, I’d put on the only black dress I owned, the same simple sheath I’d worn four years ago to my mother’s funeral. There’d been no time to go shopping prior to coming out here. I’d just brought one carry-on bag of things thrown hastily together.
I looked around at all of the exotic cars and inhaled the cloud of expensive fragrance. This was Ryder’s world, so very different from mine. Those differences were clearer than ever right now.
After almost a full hour, I finally made it to the entrance. A sea of people dressed in black blocked my view of the casket, and of Ryder—or at least of where I assumed he’d be standing.
When I finally spotted him, he nearly took my breath away. Ryder from a distance, so tall in his perfectly tailored dark suit, was a sight to behold. His hair was gelled a bit differently, but he looked incredible all dressed up. He was shaking hands and leaning into the embraces of people, one by one. He looked a little out of it, like he was just going through the motions. I remembered all too well how that felt. I wanted to hug him, be there for him, protect him from all of these people. I couldn’t get to him fast enough.
My eyes then moved to the woman standing next to him. I’d already been nervous to make my presence known to Ryder, but the sight of her caused my stomach to full-on drop. Because she wasn’t just any woman. If my memory served me correctly, that was Mallory.
Isn’t it?
I squinted to get a better look.
Definitely Mallory.
Her eyes were unmistakable, and her long, black hair fell to just below her breasts—medium-sized ones, smaller than mine. She was much taller than I was but shorter than Ryder. She had her hands crossed in front of her and seemed to be watching every interaction he had as if she were some sort of gatekeeper.
I’d wanted to be the one to protect him, to be by his side tonight, but apparently she had the same idea.
My heart beat so fast.
What the hell is she doing here?
They broke up.
My mind raced, filled with some crazy scenarios. What if they’d never really broken up at all? Or maybe she’d come to comfort him the past couple of days, and they’d gotten back together. Maybe that’s why he’d been distant.
The line in front of me kept getting shorter, and I was running out of time to decide how I was going to deal with this. It was only a matter of seconds before Ryder would spot me.
Should I just act like she wasn’t there? I couldn’t confront him about her at a time like this.
Breathe, Eden.
The moment his eyes met mine, I wanted to burst into tears. I felt so many conflicting emotions. Then a smile spread across his face, and his eyes never left mine even as he greeted the last few people before me.
When Ryder finally embraced me, it was like I fell into his arms and evaporated into his body. Mallory no longer seemed to exist. His heart beat so fast against my chest.
He held me tightly as he whispered in my ear, “I can’t believe you’re here.”
I closed my eyes and breathed him in. His body was warm against my skin, which had been riddled with goosebumps moments ago. It felt so incredible to be in his arms—I’d done nothing but long for that for forty-eight hours straight.
“How did you manage to get away?” he asked.
“A friend is watching Ollie.”
He shook his head slowly as he squeezed my hands. “I’m so happy you’re here. So happy.”
Our attention seemed to turn to Mallory at the same time. She stood there frozen, looking as surprised to see me as I’d been when I first noticed her. The sudden look of concern on Ryder’s face told me he knew I recognized her from the photo.
“Mallory, this is my girlfriend, Eden.”
Relief poured through me. His girlfriend. He’d still called me his girlfriend.
Mallory looked like she’d been smacked in the face. She cleared her throat. “Girlfriend… Oh, I didn’t realize.”
“Hello,” I said.
“Hi.” She nodded. “Excuse me for a moment.”
I watched as she rushed through the crowd and disappeared into a hallway.
I turned my attention back to Ryder. “I’d better move. I’m holding up the line.”
He grabbed my arm. “Don’t go. I want you to stand with me.”
“Really?”
“Yes, if you don’t mind.”
I was honored that he wanted me next to him. My bladder felt like it was going to burst, though. I had rushed here from the airport and hadn’t used the bathroom since Utah.
“Let me just find a bathroom. I need to go badly. And I’ll come right back.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I found a lavatory across the hall and relieved myself. As I was washing my hands, it became clear where Mallory had disappeared to as she was suddenly staring at my reflection in the mirror. We were totally alone.
“I’m sorry for walking away rudely,” she said.
I shut off the water and shook my hands. “Oh, I didn’t take it that way.”
Her eyes were red. They weren’t that way before.
She’s been crying.
“It’s just… I was a little taken aback,” she said. “I didn’t think Ryder was with anyone.” She exhaled as she turned on the water. “I needed a moment to breathe.”
Not knowing what else to say, I blurted out, “You’re his ex-girlfriend.”
“Yes. I’m sure he’s mentioned me?”
“Yeah. He has.”
A look of sadness washed over her face. “I’m so devastated for him.”
“Me, too.”
“I love him,” she confessed. She started to wash her hands and repeated, “I still love him.”
All of the muscles in my body seemed to tighten at once as I swallowed. “Okay…”
“I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to hear that.”
Yeah. No shit, I don’t.
When I didn’t respond, she asked, “How long have you guys been together?”
“A few months…”
She grabbed a paper towel and began wiping her hands. “Is it serious?”
“I care about him very much.”
I love him, too, but I haven’t told him that. So I’m sure as hell not telling you.
She looked like she was almost ready to cry.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here,” I told her. “I thought you were engaged to someone else.”
“Aaron.” She shook her head. “I broke it off with him.”
Ugh. Of course.
I pretended to be calm as I panicked inside. “What happened?”
“To make a long story short, we ran into Ryder one night, and I didn’t do a very good job of hiding my feelings after we got home. Aaron kept pushing, trying to get me to admit I still had feelings for him.” She inhaled then exhaled slowly. “In the weeks after that, I started to realize I’d been in denial. I’d rushed into the relationship to hide from my sadness over the way things ended with Ryder. I realized ending things with him was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life.”
I felt like I was gearing up for war. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m still in love with him. He’s the love of my life, and I think he’s still in love with me, too.”
I felt nauseous. “Have you told him all this?”
“We only saw each other for the first time in a long time earlier today. I told him my engagement was over, but I didn’t tell him how I feel. He knows nothing about my feelings.”
“Why are you telling me all of this right now?”
“Because I think you should know I d
o plan to tell him. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not during this difficult time. That wouldn’t be appropriate. He needs time to heal. But I’m going to tell him soon.”
When someone walked in, her head turned toward the door. “Please don’t mention we had this conversation. It will stress him out, and I don’t want that right now.”
A woman came between us to wash her hands. After she left, Mallory said, “Did you know Ryder’s dad?”
“No.”
“His father was his entire world. It’s going to be a long time before Ryder can deal with anything else. So again, please don’t mention we had this conversation.”
Before I could respond, she walked out. It took me a few minutes to regain my bearings enough to return to the main room where Ryder was waiting.
“I was starting to worry you weren’t coming back,” he said. “I thought maybe I’d hallucinated you coming in the first place.”
“Sorry. There was a wait.”
“No worries. I still can’t believe you’re here.”
Mallory had given us space, choosing to sit with the others who’d already made it through the line and given their condolences.
My feelings were very revealing. I’d always told myself I was going to lose Ryder, that our lives were too different for things to work out. Yet at this moment, I felt completely sideswiped, devastated, like all of the hope had been sucked out of me—hope I didn’t even realize I’d been hanging on to. So maybe I had thought things might work out with us.
Until now. Now I was terrified of losing him, and my hands were tied. Bringing it up with him would have been an asshole move, given the circumstances.
“Have I told you how happy I am you’re here?” Ryder whispered in my ear before greeting yet another person in line.
I stood by his side for a while. At one point, Mallory approached us and hugged Ryder goodbye. Every second of that hug was painful for me.
Then she left, and I felt like I could breathe—for the time being.
The funeral director came by and told Ryder he’d closed the door to stop anyone else from coming in.
A half-hour later, the line finally came to an end.
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