by SJD Peterson
Please, God, let the earth open up and swallow me now.
Dr. Stone must have noticed Kegan staring at her and spoke up, “Oh, sorry, Kegan, this is my assistant, Dr. Charlie McCarty. Charlie, this is Kegan Colburn, the other owner of Trev-Ke Ranch.”
An uncomfortable silence hung like heavy fog in the air. Charlie could feel Kegan’s gaze boring into her, but couldn’t find the courage to lift her head and look at him.
“I always knew you would become something special, Charlie.”
Charlie heard such sincerity in his deep baritone, even though he seemed to choke on her name. His words sounded so heartfelt, Charlie dared to raise her eyes to his, and what she saw stole her heart.
His eyes were full of such pain and longing, the twenty-year-old man she remembered. She was instantly transported back to the day she’d found him at the creek bed.
She came up on Kegan sitting with his back against a tree, his head resting on his big forearms and across his bent knees. She thought he was asleep and crept closer on silent feet, hearing soft sobs coming from his shaking body.
“Kegan, are you okay?”
He snapped his head up, startled by her presence. His beautiful blue eyes were red-rimmed. His tears had left wet streaks down his face. Obviously uncomfortable having been found crying, he lowered his head back to his arms. “Go home, Charlie.”
She reached out, wanting to hug him and take away the horrible pain in his eyes, but as her fingers reached him, he jumped up and spun away from her.
“I’m going away, Charlie.”
Charlie ran to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek to his broad back. “Where are you going and when will you be back?”
“I won’t be coming back, Charlie. I can’t stay here anymore. I’ve got to get away from that bastard before I do something really stupid.”
He tried to pry her arms from around his body, but she refused to release him. She held him with everything she had, knowing if she could just hold him tight enough, he wouldn’t be able to leave her.
“Please, Kegan, you can’t! Please tell me you won’t leave me. You’re my best friend and I—”
He turned and hugged her, placing soft yet fierce kisses on the top of her head.
“I’ll watch over you, I promise, and I’ll come back for you, bichito. I swear when you’re eighteen, I’ll come back and take you with me.” He ripped himself from her grasp and took off at a dead run in the direction of his house.
She wanted to follow him, convince him that he could stay and she would help him with whatever had happened, sure Gram would let him stay with them until he found a place of his own.
Everyone in the county knew what his father was capable of and what he had inflicted upon Kegan over the years. She just knew if he asked, people would help however they could. They had to, he couldn’t just leave.
As much as she wanted to follow him, tell him they would work it out together, she couldn’t. Her heart was breaking into a thousand shattering pieces. The only thing she was capable of at that moment was to hug herself tight as she lay down in the grass and wept.
“Charlie?”
A hand on her arm brought her back into the present, and she lifted her head and met Dr. Stone’s concerned eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Huh? Oh, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m fine. What were you saying?”
“I was saying I didn’t realize you and Kegan knew each other.”
Charlie lowered her eyes. “Yes, sir. We grew up together.” She refused to meet either man’s gaze.
Remembering that broken promise shattered her heart all over again, the pain so raw and just as powerful now as it had been when she’d been eighteen and had first realized that Kegan wasn’t coming back for her.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Stone, I’m not feeling very well. I think the day is finally catching up with me. Would you mind taking me home?”
Charlie vaguely acknowledged Dr. Stone and Kegan saying their goodbyes. The ride from the ranch was a blur as Charlie struggled to get her emotions under control.
Dazed, she walked into her apartment, dropped her bag at the door and let her tears fall.
Chapter Four
Although a cool stream of air blew from the vents in the dash of the truck, it felt hot and oppressive, too thick to take a deep breath. The muscles of his hands began to cramp and twitch as he clutched the steering wheel tight, trying to get himself under control. Kegan had never doubted that it was Charlie who Trevor had seen in Jack’s. Hell, his entire being ached to see her, but not like this, not yet.
He’d done some asking around, found out where she was living, but hadn’t worked up the nerve to contact her. Luck was on his side that he hadn’t been arrested as a Peeping Tom, considering the number of evenings he’d spent lately parked outside her house just hoping for a glimpse of her.
Seeing her dark outline through the curtains had made him ache to go to her, but his cowardice kept him rooted in his seat. He was astonished that Trevor hadn’t found out where she was staying, but Kegan hadn’t volunteered the information. Given Trevor’s reaction to her and his damn pushy attitude, he’d be beating down her front door the first night, demanding entrance.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Charlie or he was trying to keep her away from Trevor. Kegan still didn’t have a clue what to say to her, couldn’t find the right words that didn’t make him sound like a dolt. He also didn’t want to reveal just how obsessed he was with her, certain she’d run screaming from him, thinking him some crazy, lovesick stalker.
The moment Kegan had laid eyes on her again, all coherent thought had left him and he’d been unable to breathe, let alone say anything remotely intelligent. She was even more beautiful than he remembered. He’d always thought Charlie pretty, and even when she’d been more of a snot-nosed pest, she’d been easy on the eyes. As a teen, when he’d first realized she was no longer just a cute pest but someone who starred in his late-night fantasies, for him, no other woman was as beautiful.
The Charlie of today was exquisite.
Trevor’s lust-filled description was far from how desirable she truly was. Breathtaking was the only description that came to mind when Kegan thought of her.
Kegan took a few more moments to calm himself, not an easy task given the emotional and physical toll Charlie was having on him. Anger, regret, guilt, longing and desire all battled for supremacy. By the time he was able to pry his fingers from the wheel and head into the house in search of his best friend, anger had won out.
“What the fuck was Charlie doing here?” Kegan slammed his hands down on Trevor’s desk, his heart pounding.
“Shit, is she gone?” Trevor looked up at the clock, stunned.
“Yeah, she’s gone. Now, you wanna tell me why the fuck she was here in the first place?” Kegan slumped in the chair opposite Trevor and ran his hand through his hair. “Dammit, Trev, I wasn’t ready to see her yet. You knew that.”
“I didn’t invite her. I was shocked as hell when I went out back and found her standing at the corral. She’s John’s new assistant.” Trevor shook his head. “She was here half the fucking day, and I didn’t even know it.”
“Yeah, well, you could have at least called and warned me.” Not that it would have done any good, but maybe he would have been able to avoid her for a little bit longer until he could figure out what the hell to say to her.
Trevor sat back in his chair and stared at him, concerned. “Ah shit, Kegan, I’m sorry, the phone kept ringing with one disaster after another and I lost track of time.”
“Well now I have a disaster, don’t I?” Unconsciously, Kegan rubbed at an ache in his chest.
“And just what is that supposed to mean? I apologized. I feel just as bad that I missed Charlie and didn’t get a chance to call you, but we do still have a business to run. What the hell do you want me to say?”
Kegan could tell he was pissing Trevor off, but at the moment he just didn’t give a damn. He was pis
sed off as well. Running into Charlie with no warning was a disaster in his book and one that could have been avoided with a simple phone call.
Kegan got to his feet and paced. He needed to burn off some of the tension raging through his body. “Doesn’t matter, she’s gone.”
Trevor jumped to his feet. “The hell it doesn’t!” He moved into Kegan’s path. “You’ve moped and been miserable for the last two weeks because you’ve wanted to see her.”
“Get out of my face, Trev. I’m in no mood for your shit.”
“Yeah, well, you’re gonna get it anyway. How long do you plan to wait before you figure out what to say to her? Eight years wasn’t enough?”
Kegan clenched and unclenched his fists. “That was a fucking low blow, and I’m warning you, Trev, back the fuck up.”
Trevor threw his hands up and started toward the door. “Fine, Kegan, if you’re too much of a spineless pussy to go after her, then you deserve to be miserable. I’m done waiting on you to figure it out. I’m going after Charlie.”
Panic zipped through him, ignited him to near detonation. He grabbed Trevor’s arm before he even realized what he was doing and spun him, pinned him against the closed door with his body and drew his fist back. Jealousy roared through him like a raging forest fire at the thought of Trevor going after Charlie without him.
Charlie’s mine!
“What the fuck?” Trevor stared at him in disbelief. Anger and confusion flashed across his face, and he glanced at Kegan’s fist. “Well?”
Kegan’s heart was pounding out of his chest and his stomach rolled as the realization of what he’d just done hit him. So overcome with such a powerful possessiveness for Charlie, he hadn’t thought, had only acted.
Kegan stumbled back and dropped his hands to his sides. His head spun, his brain unwilling to accept what his soul was telling him. He wasn’t willing to give meaning to his thoughts.
“Christ! I’m sorry, Trev. I shouldn’t have… Jesus.” Kegan’s throat tightened, he couldn’t speak. He didn’t understand what the hell had just happened, so how was he going to explain it to Trevor? He cleared his throat a couple of times and stared at his friend, who looked as confused as he felt. “Dammit, I’m sorry… I gotta go.”
Trevor grabbed Kegan’s wrist. “Wait! Talk to me, man. What the hell is going on with you?”
Kegan lowered his gaze, unable to meet Trevor’s eyes. “I can’t,” he whispered.
“What do you mean you can’t? Don’t you mean you won’t? You’ve been shutting me out for the last two weeks and it’s really starting to piss me off.” Trevor let go of his wrist and ran both his hands through his hair, clasped his fingers together behind his neck. Something Trevor always did when he was irritated or stressed. “C’mon, Kegan, this isn’t like you. You’ve always told me everything. We’ve never kept secrets from one another. Just talk to me.”
Kegan stepped back, needed more distance between them. His emotions were so raw, he didn’t trust himself. He needed to get the hell out of this room, away from Trevor and figure out what the hell was wrong with him. He needed to find the answer to what he was feeling, why he was so out of control. It terrified him to feel this way.
“Trev, I’m gonna just go walk it off. I need to get my head on right. I have no fuckin’ idea why I just did that.”
Trevor reached out for Kegan again, placing his hand on his shoulder. “Kegan, come on, you’re killin’ me here. Don’t shut me out like this. We’re closer than brothers, when you’re hurting, so am I.”
Well that was the problem right there. It wasn’t only Charlie who brought out Kegan’s possessiveness. His feelings for Trevor had recently been changing, feelings which went beyond brotherly love. He couldn’t tell Trev, he wouldn’t understand. Christ, he didn’t understand it himself. Nothing made sense anymore.
“Look, Trev, I’m sorry I lashed out at you. I think it was just the adrenaline from the shock of seeing Charlie. Just let me go take a shower and get my shit together and we’ll talk about it over dinner, okay?” It wasn’t a lie. He really did need to get his head together. Still, not being able to be completely honest with Trevor made him feel like an even bigger shit, but he couldn’t deal with it right now.
“Yeah, go on, take your shower. I’ll go see about dinner.” Trevor wrapped his arms around him in a bear hug and slapped him on the back. Just like a brother.
Kegan headed for the bathroom, trying to figure out what he was going to tell Trevor.
You are one messed-up man, Kegan. Better figure out what the hell you’re feeling or you’ll lose him just like you lost Charlie.
Trevor headed to the kitchen to see what Mrs. M had left for dinner, still shocked by Kegan’s outburst in his office. Hell, the man always had such a tight leash on his anger he rarely raised his voice. Trevor was usually the one to use anger as a way of handling shit that upset him. Lash out and apologize later was always his modus operandi. It was why they worked well together—he was the hothead, Kegan was the laid-back logic.
He knew Kegan had had a rough childhood. The no-good son of a bitch he called Dad had really fucked with his head, and Trevor knew Kegan’s greatest fear was turning out just like him.
Kegan never lashed out or raised a hand to anyone. Trevor seriously doubted it was just running into Charlie that had set him off. Yeah, it sucked that it had to happen the way it did, but still, it wouldn’t have caused Kegan to behave the way he had.
Something had rocked Kegan…hard.
Trevor had been dealing with his own demons lately, and couldn’t really be pissed at Kegan for holding things back from him. He’d been keeping a big problem he was having with Kegan a secret from him. He couldn’t understand why he had felt so possessive and jealous at the thought of Kegan being with a woman on his own. He felt betrayed and damned if he knew why.
It wasn’t like they were a couple or anything, but that night he remembered a voice in the back of his mind screaming mine when he’d imagined Kegan with a woman. He was a bit freaked out by the realization that he wanted a committed relationship with Kegan. Trevor was uncertain about what it meant, but it went beyond being business partners, the sexual exploits they shared or even being best friends.
Trevor was placing the plates at the table when he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs and the back door open then slam shut. Kegan obviously wasn’t ready to talk yet. No longer hungry, he left the plates on the table, then went out to the back porch.
It was a nice evening, spring having finally pushed the last bit of winter away along with the remaining snow. He sat in one of the old rockers and listened to the crickets and frogs, watched the stars come out. The sky was lit up as if a thousand fireflies had taken over the heavens. The effect calmed the intense emotions from earlier. He figured Kegan would be back when he was ready. Trevor didn’t see the sense in going after him. It was driving him batty, but it was probably best to let Kegan work it out on his own. It would do no good to push him until he was ready.
Trevor wasn’t sure how long he sat there, lost in his own thoughts, when Kegan joined him on the porch and sat down next to him.
“You done thinking?” Trevor asked.
“Yeah, didn’t do any good. Can’t seem to get my head right, ya know?”
“Yep. Sometimes it’s better to talk it out with someone.”
Kegan stared at him with a somber expression. “It was rough seeing Charlie today. You know how I feel about her. I mean her being a doctor and all now… I must have done the right thing by leaving her alone when we were younger, right? But…but seeing her today makes me question that. You should have seen the pain in her eyes.” Kegan ran his hand over the stubble on his chin. “Shit, Trev, I know I’m the one who put that look in her eyes and I don’t know if I can forgive myself for that.”
“You were young when you left home, I’m sure if you just talked to her—”
Kegan shook his head. “Not gonna happen. The thing is, remember me telling you about the day I le
ft home?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, Charlie found me right after the fight I had with my old man. I told her I was leaving and she begged me not to go.” Kegan laid his head back against the rocker and took a few deep breaths.
Trevor knew there was more, had already heard this part of the story but didn’t want to push him too hard, so he continued to watch the night sky. After a bit, Kegan still hadn’t said anything, and Trevor began to wonder if he had fallen asleep. He turned his head to find Kegan staring at him as if waiting for permission to continue.
“That last day I saw her, I promised I would always watch over her and come back for her when she turned eighteen.”
“Shit, Kegan.”
“Yeah I know. I had every intention of keeping that promise, but I had no money, nowhere to live. Hell, I didn’t have anything to offer her. I loved her, still do, I reckon, but figured the best I could do by her was to leave her alone.”
Silently, Trevor watched the stars as he thought about what Kegan had admitted to, but it still didn’t explain why he was so angry. He understood his hurt and the boatload of guilt, but it didn’t explain the violence in Kegan that he’d seen.
“What else happened?”
“Damn, you don’t think that’s enough?”
“Doesn’t explain why you were so pissed off earlier. There has to be more from the way you were about to beat the shit out of me when I mentioned going to look for her. Unless you don’t plan on sharing Charlie with me, intend to keep her for yourself.”
Kegan turned his head away and closed his eyes. “It’s not that, I don’t plan on…” His mouth opened a couple of more times, but then he clamped it so tight his lips went white.
“Don’t plan on what? You don’t reckon I deserve the truth?” Trevor ran his hands through his hair and clasped his hands behind his neck, never taking his eyes off Kegan.