by SJD Peterson
Kegan sat up in front of her, petting her thighs with light touches. “No, it’s okay. You have a right to ask.” He seemed to struggle with his thoughts for a moment, then continued. “One night Trevor met this feisty little thing that wanted us both and it just sort of happened. We realized we could give so much more pleasure to a woman together than we could alone.”
The blasé comment didn’t explain the pain and anguish she had seen. Charlie’s insides tightened and her heart broke at the bleak sorrow, the agony she had seen in his eyes.
How did he bear that kind of pain without it consuming him? Her hands itched to touch him, pull him into her arms and take away whatever hurt him. The way he held his body tight and aloof told her he wouldn’t welcome her touch right now. He was fighting hard to bury some deep memory, desperate to portray a calm, uncaring façade, but failed miserably.
She looked back at Trevor, who stared at Kegan with such understanding of his pain, as if he knew exactly what had put it there. She realized in that moment that Kegan did indeed share everything with Trevor. Not just work, a home or women, but the secrets in his soul.
Charlie waited, hopeful he’d continue to explain why he looked so pained. She wanted to know the secret that he obviously shared with Trevor. After a long silence, she concluded he didn’t feel he could trust her enough to share those same memories with her, and the pain of that knowledge was so violent, it nearly crushed her. The control she kept over her emotions that she had allowed to loosen at the commands of these two overwhelming men began to rebuild anew. She was the queen of denial.
Hurt Charlie and she smiled. Break her heart and she turned that smile to brilliant.
She patted Trevor’s thighs. “Well, sounds like it must have been one hell of a night.” She leaned over and gave Kegan a chaste kiss on the cheek. “I’m gonna go out and check on the new foal. I’ll see you boys at dinner.” She didn’t look at either of them as she scooted off the bed, grabbed her clothes, then headed for the bathroom.
“Want some company?” Trevor asked.
“Nah, I think I’d like the alone time, if you don’t mind.” She was proud of the way her voice sounded so calm and didn’t give away any of the turmoil that raged through her.
Charlie managed to hold onto her control until she made it out to the barn. She really didn’t have any reason to be upset with Kegan. He and Trevor had spent years together and shared everything. Nothing like the stupid school crushes like the one she’d had on Kegan. He hadn’t shared his secrets with her back then, why would he share them with her now?
Envy ate at her. She had been living in a fantasy world to think that it would work between all of them. Charlie had never been able to maintain a relationship with one man—she had been a fool to think she could with two.
Did she really need thirty days to prove the inevitable?
If she stayed that long, it would probably just make it that much harder to walk away and would hurt a hell of a lot more. She had spent the last eight years of her life learning to live without Kegan. She knew she could do it again. She hated the idea of going back to the unemotional coldness she had wrapped around her heart in order to do it, though.
But what choice did she have? If Kegan couldn’t share the love and the pain in his heart, then there would always be a barrier between them. She couldn’t accept half a heart. She wouldn’t be an outsider to the closeness that Kegan and Trevor shared.
“Hey, Charlie.”
Charlie turned to see Cade headed her way and smiled, happy for the distraction to her thoughts. “Hi, Cade.”
He leaned on the stall door next to her. “She’s a beauty. You did a great job helping that mare. I didn’t think she was gonna make it through the birth.”
“Thanks. To be honest, I didn’t think she was going to either. I think we have to thank a higher power than me, though.”
Cade shook his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You’re too modest. You did a damn fine job. The ranch is real lucky to have you during this foal season.”
Charlie turned her head away and stared at the foal. She had to stay. Not only had she promised the boys she’d stay the full thirty days, but she would also ruin her program if she left. It would be hard as hell trying to start another one next year, especially if word got out that she’d walked away from a ranch after sleeping with the owners. Her career would be over. But staying with Kegan and Trevor was a very bad idea.
“Cade, is anyone staying in the guest house?”
“No, ma’am, not that I’m aware of. Why?”
She ignored his puzzled look. “Would you show it to me?”
“Something wrong with the room the bosses set up for you?”
Yeah, it’s right next to the bosses.
“No, it’s great. I just think I’d like to be closer to the stables, is all. I hear it’s set up with monitors and alarms wired directly to the foal stalls.”
“Yes, ma’am, it is. Sure, I’ll show ya and help move you in if you need a hand. Ain’t been fireworks at the ranch in a mighty long time.” He gestured toward the door, a devilish look in his eyes. “Right this way, Miss Charlie.”
Chapter Thirteen
Kegan pulled the wire tight and wrapped it around a transformer before he snipped the end off with wire cutters. He’d spent the afternoon fixing fences, a job he thoroughly hated. He usually had one of the hands tend to them, but he had needed to keep busy and away from the house and Charlie.
He should have told her the whole truth about why he and Trevor had started sharing women. He hadn’t lied to her, at least not completely. The sharing had started the way he’d told her. He just hadn’t told her why it had started, why it continued, or why he needed it.
Deep down, he knew Charlie wouldn’t judge him for what his old man had done. Hell, she had seen the bruises, split lips and missing teeth that were part of his life growing up. But she hadn’t known the full extent of the abuse and he didn’t want to hurt her with those kinds of memories. Truth be told, he didn’t want to think about what had happened in that fucking hellhole, let alone have to relive it.
He damn sure didn’t want her to ever find out his reaction to it.
He angrily threw the snips in the back of the truck and moved down to the next break.
He was on the last of the fences when he heard hooves coming up hard and fast. He leaned back against the post and wiped the sweat from his brow with his bandana as he watched Trevor approach. Kegan could tell by the hard set of Trevor’s jaw and the tense way he sat on his mount that something had pissed him off.
Trevor swung down from the saddle then stalked toward him and stabbed a finger at him. “You have to tell Charlie the truth. All of it.”
“Tell her what, Trev? That my old man was an even sicker bastard than she ever thought? That not only did he beat the shit out of me weekly, he also got his fucking jollies off on beating women?” He ran a shaky hand across his face and tried to steady his pounding heart. “I don’t want her to have to imagine that kind of sick depravity. It will hurt her and I can’t stand the thought of that.”
Trevor leaned beside him, their shoulders resting side by side where they stood next to the post. “She’s already hurting and doesn’t think you trust her enough to tell her everything.”
“This isn’t about trust and you know it. It would hurt her a lot more if I told her everything.” He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”
“Then we’re going to lose her.”
“No, we won’t. I’ll talk to her. My past doesn’t have anything to do with what we have now.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. As soon as Charlie asked you about the sharing, the pain radiating off you was so thick in the room, we all nearly choked on it.”
Kegan moved to put his tools in the truck. Dammit, why in the hell couldn’t the ugly part of his past stay buried where it belonged? He was happier than he had ever been in his life. Charlie had been the one thing missing and now he felt
complete. He was fated to be with her, just as he was Trevor. The three of them had something good, something pure. He refused to let his past tarnish it.
“She moved out of the house.”
Kegan whirled around to see a bleak expression on Trevor’s face. “She left the ranch?”
“No, she had Cade help her move her belongings to the guest house. Guess she can’t do this either.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Kegan could barely control the anger that steadily built inside him. He had struggled to put his past behind him, fought against the power his old man had over him, yet somehow the bastard still wielded it.
Trevor reached out, placed his hands on Kegan’s shoulders and ignored his anger—or at least didn’t acknowledge it.
“Look, we’re asking her to trust us without question. To live in our home, share her heart and body with us and trust us not to hurt her. Yet you’re not willing to trust her with the truth. I hate that you have to rehash this shit. I would love nothing more than to kill that sick fuck for what he did to you. Hell, I wish I could talk to Charlie about this for you, but I can’t. She needs to hear it from you, needs to know you trust her.”
Kegan didn’t want to admit Trevor was right. He wanted Charlie to give him everything, to both of them, yet he wasn’t sure he could give her the same. What if he sickened her when she learned the truth, the whole truth? He could lose her. That prick of a man he was cursed with as a father had already made him miss far too many years of Charlie’s life, he couldn’t stand the thought of losing one more day.
Trevor squeezed his shoulders. “Hey, we’ll do this however you want. I’ll stand by whatever decision you make and we’ll deal with whatever happens together. Right?”
Kegan slapped Trevor on the back and pulled him into a tight embrace. “We might lose her if I tell her.”
“Yeah, we might. But we’ve already lost her if you don’t. Your call, man.”
Shit! Losing Charlie was not an option. He’d tell her what he could—she didn’t have to know everything. Hell, he’d make up something if he had to. No sense hurting her with all the fucked-up facts.
He patted Trevor’s back one last time. “Let’s go. I’m not losing her again.” He spun away and headed for the truck. “I’ll meet you back at the barn.”
Kegan didn’t need to look back to know Trevor followed. Regardless of what Trevor said, he wouldn’t have let Kegan walk away without saying something to Charlie. No doubt he’d have convinced him and wouldn’t have been above using any and all means necessary. The man didn’t take no for an answer and when he wanted something, he was ruthless.
What he wanted right now was Charlie.
* * * *
Belongings unpacked, shower taken and glass of wine in hand, it was no surprise to Charlie when there was a knock on the door just as she sat down. She knew Kegan and Trevor wouldn’t let her move out of the main house without some kind of explanation, but she’d hoped to at least have a few minutes alone, maybe finish her glass of wine or the whole damn bottle first. It would have been a waste of a good wish to hope for one night alone.
She knew when she’d considered the guest house, she was going to try to force Kegan’s hand. She sucked at poker but had bluffed in hopes that Kegan would fold and open up to her. On some level she knew it was her own insecurities that had brought her to this point—her scars ran wide and they ran deep—but what choice did she have? Some things were easier to overcome than others, and learning to trust again wasn’t one of them. Sighing, she thought about ignoring them, but after the incident with the locked bathroom door, she knew it wouldn’t hinder Trevor. She tightened the belt of her robe and headed to let them in.
“And to what do I owe this little visit?”
They stood outside her door, both of them looking as incredible as ever, hats in their hands.
Kegan wore a tight pale-blue shirt with mother of pearl snaps. The blue intensified his eyes so they were the first thing she noticed about him, though the hard body was a close second. Trevor had chosen a tight black T-shirt to go with his oh-so-loose jeans, and the color of the fabric had the same effect on his eyes as Kegan’s had. But it still wasn’t the first thing she noticed about him since he hid his eyes behind a thick wave of his dark curls. The first notable thing was how tight the shirt was where it tucked into his low-hanging jeans and how it accentuated the triangle of muscles that pointed straight down to his groin.
She hesitated at opening the door up farther, knowing the moment she did, they would barge in and overwhelm her. Looking the way they did and the effect they had on her body, how could they not? “I was just getting ready for bed.”
Without an invitation, Trevor pushed past her and headed for the living room. Kegan shrugged as his gaze followed Trevor. “Sorry to bother you. We were hoping to talk.”
She stepped out of the way and held the door open wide. “By all means, just make yourselves at home. No need to wait for an invite.” Sarcasm made her words sound harsher than she’d intended. Another of those damn defense mechanisms ingrained in her.
Charlie took a seat at the farthest end of the couch, pulled her feet up under herself and sipped her wine. She couldn’t find it within her to start this conversation, unsure of which emotion would take the forefront, afraid it would be the grief that won out. She chose to stay silent. She had jumped into this with the two of them without fully thinking about the ramifications beforehand. She wasn’t about to make that mistake a second time.
Kegan sat in the chair directly across from her while Trevor stretched out at the opposite end of the couch. “Why did you leave the main house without saying anything?” Trevor barely kept his ire hidden, which was just fine with her. Ire she could battle against.
“Oh sorry, didn’t realize that I had to ask for your permission.” She swirled the wine around in her glass and took a sip before she continued. “I made it clear from the beginning that I had the option to decide how much contact I had with the two of you as long as I stayed for the full thirty days. Don’t tell me you’re going to go back on our agreement?”
Kegan shot a warning glance at Trevor before he answered, “We’re not here to force you to come back. We just want to talk to you and find out why you felt you had to leave.”
Well if he wanted to tiptoe around the issue, then so could she. “I’m just beginning to realize that the agreement was made before I really had a chance to think it through. I let my body make the decisions for me instead of logic.”
“Bullshit,” Trevor growled. “Everything was going just fine until you asked about why we shared. I’ve told you, Charlie, don’t lie to me. It pisses me off.”
“And just what do I have to fear from you when you get all pissy? Neither of you have been totally honest with me—or each other, for that matter.” She wouldn’t allow Trevor to take over the conversation and spin it in his favor. She had already made up her mind and the only question now was what she was going to do next. “I don’t need thirty days to know that the sex between us is amazing, you’ve already proven that. It’s all the other things that I’m not so convinced would work out.”
“It’s only been a few days, Charlie. Please let’s just give it a little more time.” Kegan shifted in his chair uncomfortably. She could tell he was holding back and that wasn’t something she could ever accept.
“No, Kegan, I don’t have to give it a little more time. I’ve been waiting for you for eight years, living half a life.” She could feel the tears build and refused to allow them to fall.
Charlie didn’t cry, and dammit she had cried more over the last few weeks than she had in years. Just one more thing she was tired of. She stood then turned her back on both of them as she went to the small bar and poured another glass of wine. She drank half of it down before readdressing them. “You’re asking me to accept both of you at face value and to trust you, yet you don’t seem to trust me.”
Kegan stood and started toward her, only to stop, as he se
emed to think better of it and stood a few feet away. “It’s not about not trusting you, Charlie, I swear. When you asked me about why I shared women with Trevor, I didn’t lie about how it started.”
Charlie held Kegan’s gaze, the look of pain in his eyes nearly her undoing. She wanted to take away his pain, but if he wasn’t able to share the reason for it with her, then there was nothing she could do.
“This isn’t about the first night that you shared a woman with Trevor. You looked at me with so much anguish I couldn’t help but wonder what caused it. Was it sharing women—me—that hurt? You’re not saying anything, so I’m left to draw my own conclusions.”
“Shit… I mean…” He fidgeted with the leather gloves in his hands. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Having you here has been the best thing that has happened to me. I wasn’t upset about sharing you with Trevor, it feels so right. Your question just stunned me for a minute and I remembered some painful shit that I fought a long time to bury.”
Charlie forced herself to stay where she stood while her arms ached to wrap around him in comfort. Another part of her needed to understand everything. Kegan leaving her had been one of the most painful things she had ever experienced in her life and she needed to understand why it had happened before she could ever truly let the pain go.
Trevor came up beside her and reached for a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. “Let’s have a seat, huh? We’re not going to let you go, so we might as well get comfortable while we talk this out. I know I have all night.”
The man just exuded confidence—Charlie envied him that. He seemed so sure that there wasn’t anything they couldn’t work out. She wished she felt the same. She looked at Kegan, his eyes pleading, and she found herself walking over to take a seat at the end of the couch. Before she got comfortable, Trevor pulled her to the middle between the two of them.
“Don’t make us fight over who gets to sit next to you.”