“Like heaven.” Zelda checked out the TV. “Still a little while before kickoff. How about we help you get the chili on, and then we can sit in front of the game while we eat?” Her gaze wandered to the hallway. “Is Nate . . . sleeping?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I think he might be down for the count tonight. I said something to him about making chili, but I’m pretty sure he only eats now to appease me and make his mom feel better. I don’t think he’ll be upset about missing the game.” If he even remembered it at this point. I sighed, and Zelda wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“I’m sorry, doll. It’s been tough, hasn’t it?”
I gave into the rare treat of leaning on someone else for a change, resting my head on Zelda. “Things have changed a lot since you were here in August. Then, he was up most of the day, talking to us, and nothing felt that much different. We could sit on the deck, and we watched movies . . . but now, he mostly sleeps. And when he wakes up, he’s sometimes disoriented. Almost like he’s been somewhere else, and he’s surprised to find out he’s back on planet Earth when he opens his eyes.”
Gia’s forehead crinkled. “Is that normal?”
I nodded. “The hospice people say it’s part of his process. He’s slowly . . . letting go.” I held up one hand in a fist and then raised my fingers, one at a time. “Like when you’re holding onto a bar on the jungle gym, and you release your grip.”
To my surprise, Gia’s eyes filled with tears. “How can you stand it?” she whispered. “Watching him . . . seeing him get ready to die?” Her small frame shook.
“Gia.” I slipped away from Zelda and wrapped my other friend in a hug. “Don’t cry, sweetie. Please don’t, because if you do, so will I, and then I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop. And Zelda will ditch our sorry asses, because you know she doesn’t do tears.”
Gia gave a half-snort, half-sob as she buried her head in the crook of my neck. “It’s so hard. And I think about Matt all the time, you know? Like . . . was it like this with him? Was he getting ready to die the last time I saw him? Did I miss it? I gave up on him, Quinn. I broke his heart, and I walked away, because I couldn’t bear to watch him self-destruct anymore. So he did it anyway, but he did it alone. I wasn’t there. No one was. I’m not as strong as you are. I couldn’t sit here and watch him leave me, bit by bit. I couldn’t say good-bye. I couldn’t handle it.”
My throat swelled as I tried to blink back the tears that were so close all the time these days. “I’m not that strong, G. I’m just getting through, one day and sometimes one minute at a time. I’m not doing anything heroic.”
She leaned back, pulling away and wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry again. Sometimes I think I’m getting better, getting over everything, and then . . . God, I’m making this about me, and we came here to be with you. Ignore me, Quinn.”
“I’m going to ignore you both and start cooking.” Zelda rolled her eyes at us. She paused to point one manicured finger at Gia. “And if you start getting weepy again after your first beer, I’m cutting you off. Got it?”
Gia nodded, but the minute Zelda’s back was turned, she stuck out her tongue, murmuring, “She’s not the boss of me.”
“I heard that, and I totally am the boss of both of you. Get your asses in here. I’m assigning jobs.”
“Just like old times.” I grinned, my heart lighter than it had been in weeks, and followed my friends into the kitchen.
“I think this Rebels team has given Philadelphia more of a run for their money than they expected, Joe. What do you think?”
The other commentator grinned into the camera. “I’d say you’re right on, Carl. Here we are in the middle of the fourth quarter, and Philadelphia’s fighting for every yard, with Richmond only one touchdown from a tie.” He paused, and his voice dropped a little. “Philadelphia lines up on their own forty-two-yard line. It’s third and seven . . . Calvert’s back, and he’s looking, he’s looking for an open receiver, but the Rebels are all over this, and . . . sacked! Calvert’s sacked for the second time today, and that’s going to bring on the punting team.”
“It’s so weird to be cheering against Philadelphia.” Zelda tipped back her third beer. “I spent my whole life rooting for this team. But I never knew anyone on it who’d fucked one of my best friends.”
“Zelda.” I shook my head. “Sheesh. Couldn’t you just say that you have a friend on the Rebels? Leave it at that?”
“I could, but it wouldn’t be entirely accurate. I know Leo, but I wouldn’t call him a friend. He’s a friend of a friend.” A wicked grin spread over her mouth. “A fucker of a friend.” She giggled, amused by her own words.
Next to her, well into her fifth beer, Gia laughed, too. “She’s not wrong, Quinn. You can’t argue with her logic.”
“I could, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t help me much at this point. You two are both tipsy.” I pointed at them. “I’m just glad Nate’s parents aren’t coming home tonight.”
“Why? We’re all legal, doll.” Zelda lifted her bottle to me in a toast. “G and I are staying over, so we’re not driving. And you’ve only had one beer all night.”
She was right. As much as I was enjoying my evening with the girls, I knew I had to stay sober in case anything happened with Nate. I’d checked on him several times over the course of the evening, but he’d remained sound asleep. At one point, he’d opened his eyes when I’d brushed the hair across his forehead, but I wasn’t sure he’d heard or understood me when I’d told him about Gia and Zelda being here.
“You know, you gotta admit . . .” Gia pointed the neck of her beer bottle at the television. “Leo is looking damn good. I thought he was hot in high school, and he was definitely smokin’ in college. But now? Damn. I’d hit that.”
“Gia.” I wasn’t mad; I knew she was both teasing and drunk, which took away any responsibility for what she said. She’d been chugging down the beer since the game came on, explaining she hated watching football anymore, and if she was doing this out of love for me, it had to be with a decent buzz on. Still, I didn’t need anyone pointing out the hotness of my ex-boyfriend as the camera panned in on him along the sidelines.
“That’s Leo Taylor, who’s a local Delaware Valley boy.” The announcer paused a beat as I watched Leo swipe one hand over his wet hair. He glanced down the field, his face intent on what was going on with his team, and I drank in every nuance like a woman dying of thirst. It had been so many weeks—months—since I’d seen Leo in the grocery store on the Fourth of July. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until I’d seen him now. Longing thumped in my heart.
“Yeah, Taylor burned up the field back in his Eatonboro High days, and then he was a strong player at Carolina. He came in the second half of this game, and he’s made some impressive catches. Must be gratifying for him, coming back to his old stomping grounds and helping his team to play so well.”
“What are you going to do?” Zelda spoke softly, but I heard her, and I knew what she meant. I met her eyes and gave a tiny shrug.
“I don’t know. I can’t think about it now. And by the time I can, I don’t know if it’ll be too late or not.”
“Leo will wait.” Gia offered me a sympathetic smile. “I mean . . . that sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Like we’re impatient for Nate . . . well, you know I don’t mean it that way. But Leo loves you, Quinn. He’d do anything for you.”
“Nate says . . .” I hadn’t quite come to terms with Nate’s words from earlier in the day. “Nate says if I jump into anything with Leo too soon, it might not be good. I might ruin us for good.”
“What kind of bullshit is that?” Gia bristled on my behalf. “Why would Nate say that?”
“He’s trying to help me.” I defended Nate. “He wants me to be happy after . . . well, after. And he thinks that if I don’t take the time to figure out my own crap, Leo and I won’t make it for the long haul.”
“I think he’s right.” Zelda spoke up from her corner of the sofa. “Nate knows Qu
inn—and Leo—better than anyone else does.” She gazed at me steadily, all evidence of her previous beer buzz gone. “You say that you’ve always been between them, right? It’s been Nate, Quinn and Leo as long as you can remember. Well, maybe you need to figure out how to be Quinn, by yourself. You have to find out if you can be all right on your own, without either of the boys.”
I closed my eyes. “It’s fucking scary to think about that. I don’t know who or what I am without one or both of them in my life. Even when Leo and I are apart, I can still feel him. I still think of myself in terms of him. I’m not sure how to go on without them both.”
“But you can do it, doll.” Zelda rubbed my foot where it rested next to her on the couch. “You’re stronger than you know. I promise that you are.” She seemed as though she wanted to say something else and then gave her head a little shake. “You don’t have to think about it now. There’ll be time later. But I do think Nate has your best interest at heart. I’ve never seen anyone love someone so purely as Nate does you, Quinn. He only wants your happiness, even when he’s not going to be here to see it.”
I nodded. “I don’t doubt that. Nate . . . I think he feels bad on some level for asking me to marry him, even though it’s what he wanted. Those couple of months after we came down here, before he really began to decline, they were happy ones. Happier than I ever thought they could be, to be honest. I won’t lie and say it’s all sunshine and roses now, but even if I hadn’t married Nate, this would be a terrible time. I’d still be losing him, but I wouldn’t have the comfort of knowing that I’ve done every single thing I could to make sure his last days were exactly what he wanted.”
“I know.” Gia scooted closer to snuggle against me. “I thought you were a little crazy at the time, I’ll admit that, but I see it now. But afterwards, won’t you deserve a little of that happiness, too?”
“Of course she will.” Zelda moved to flank me on the other side, elbowing me in the ribs as she settled down. “But Nate wants her to have the real thing. He’s thinking about more than just a temporary fix.” She fixed me with a steady gaze, and if I hadn’t known better, I would’ve been tempted to say her eyes were a little misty. “You deserve all the good stuff, doll. You’re the best person I’ve ever known, and I guess I’m like Nate. I want you to have it all, and I think for that to happen, you can’t fall into something without being sure it’s what’s best for you.”
I sank deeper into the cushion, and for the first time in months, I felt surrounded by the support and the incomparable, unconditional love of my friends. I let myself relax into that feeling.
“I love you two crazy bitches, you know that? Thank you so much for coming down here. If you hadn’t, I’d probably have sat alone in front of the television with my chili, crying. Thanks for rescuing me from that.”
“Any time, doll.” Zelda nestled against me. “Now hush so I can enjoy the last two minutes of some seriously fine specimens of hot men.”
“Speaking of hot men . . .” I side-eyed her. “How’re things between you and Tucker?”
She didn’t look away from the game. “Next topic.”
I quirked one eyebrow. “Oh, I see how it is. We can talk about my personal situation, about my love life or lack thereof . . . we can talk about the shit Gia’s dealing with still and how much she’s struggling, but when it comes to the great and mighty Zelda, there are subjects that are off-limits?”
“Yup.”
“Hmph.” I crossed my arms over my chest, watching as number twenty-two, also known as Leo Taylor, jogged onto the field for his team’s last-ditch attempt to tie up the game. I sighed almost without knowing it. “Uh, that hardly seems fair. You said when you were down here in August that things were going okay. You seemed almost optimistic about the whole relationship. So unlike you.”
“Yeah, and I should’ve known better. I’m not cut out for the long-term, doll. I’m not like you. I should stick with bang ‘em and bow out. Hook up and haul ass.”
“Dick and ditch?” Gia smirked.
“Rut and run?” I put in. “Ummm . . . huh. I need to brush up on my sex slang.”
“When you’re not getting any, thinking about the slang is just torture,” Gia mused. “I speak from experience, ladies. Not that I’m looking for it. God, no.” She shuddered. “Right now, guys are the last thing on my mind. In fact, I might swear off them forever. I’m pretty sure all the good ones are taken, and I’m not interested in the bad boys anymore. I’ve been there and done that, thanks.”
“But you can’t let things like that get in the way of sex, G.” Zelda finally tore her eyes off the screen and leaned over me to look earnestly at Gia. “You don’t want things to get stagnant down there, you know. You got to keep in shape. That’s why I’m in favor of the . . .” A slow smile spread over her face. “The fuck and fly. Oh, that’s a winner. Ding, ding, ding!”
She held up her hand for a high five, and she looked so proud of herself that I couldn’t help slapping her palm.
“Someday we’re going to all be in a good place at the same time, and then we’ll look back on tonight and think, if those girls only knew how wonderful things can be.” I held my breath as the football spiraled through the air, mentally willing it into Leo’s waiting arms and exhaling in disappointment when it landed on the grass just a few feet behind him. “Damn. He should’ve had that one.”
“And that’s the game, folks.” Zelda hummed a little in disappointment. “It’s a shame. Richmond played some good ball tonight. Leo’s probably not to going to be happy about this one.”
I lifted one shoulder. “The parents are all taking him out to dinner afterwards, so he’ll have lots of comforting and consolation.”
“And so do you.” Gia snagged another beer from the coffee table, popped off the top and handed it to me. “Drink up, girlfriend. You need it.”
“I really shouldn’t.” I hesitated. “Or at least I should check on Nate first.”
“I’ll check on him. You relax and pick out a movie. Make it a chick flick that has a seriously built guy who stays naked or close to it the whole time, okay?”
“Oh, that sounds like a plan.” Zelda stood up. “I saw some popcorn in the cabinet while we were cooking dinner. How about I make some of that? We can change into our pajamas and have a slumber party out here, the way we used to back in school.”
“I’m down for that.” Gia patted my shoulder. “Dibs on the long end of the sofa.”
I smiled and took a long pull of my beer. For just tonight, I could pretend that everything was normal and that the future was full of promise. For tonight, I was going to let myself have fun with my girlfriends and not think about what was coming.
For tonight, I could pretend and forget.
To Make You Feel My Love by Billy Joel
“I’m pretty sure I just ate my weight in fried chicken.” I pushed back a little from the dining room table and exhaled. “It was so delicious, Ellie. Everything was. Thanks so much.”
Ellie Iverson beamed at me from the other side of the table. “Good. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Now maybe you’ll come over more often.”
Next to his wife, Corey laughed and brought her hand up to his lips, turning it to press a kiss to the palm. “Nothing fires up my woman more than the thought of a single man living alone and going hungry. If she had her way, she’d feed all the bachelors on the team every night.”
“Hey.” She swatted at him playfully. “That’s not true. I just like to cook, and I love to see people enjoy what I’ve made.”
“Nothing wrong with that.” I crumpled up my napkin. “I’m more than happy to enjoy it. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get over here. Moving down here and getting settled has taken me some time.”
“Well, now you know your way here. Don’t be a stranger.” She stood up and reached for my plate. “How do you feel about cherry pie?”
I grinned. “I’m not a man to say no to any type of pie.” I rose, too, and pulled the plate away f
rom her. “But I’m also not a man to come to someone’s house, have them make me a wonderful meal, and then let them clean up, too. My mom would beat me if she ever heard about me doing that.”
Ellie laughed. “Your mom and mine would get along. Corey’s mom, too. Okay, then. You two gentlemen handle the dishes, and I’ll make coffee and dish up some pie. Does that sound fair?”
“More than.” I shot my teammate, who was still seated, a pointed look. “Are you a scraper or a dryer, Iverson? I can handle either job.”
He groaned. “Fine. Fine! You know, if you’d left well enough alone, you and I could’ve sat here and let El serve us dessert. If you’d stayed long enough, she’d have had the dishes done, and I would’ve gotten off clean-up duty for once. But no. No, you have to go and be all polite, which now means I’m stuck.” He mock-glared at his wife, and she stuck out her tongue at him.
“Sorry, dude. But you know us bachelors. We have to make sure you married men keep up with your game.”
He flipped me off good-naturedly. “You rinse. I’ll load the dishwasher. El’s particular about how it’s done, and I know what she likes.”
Ellie waggled her eyebrows. “You sure do, babe.”
I winced. “And this is why the single guys don’t hang out with the marrieds more often. There are some things you just can’t un-hear.”
Corey hooted with laughter as I followed him into their kitchen. I set up shop in front of the sink and began rinsing off the plates, depositing the silverware in a bowl and filling it with hot water.
“Look at you. I can tell you have experience with dishes.” Ellie carried over a few pots and pans. “If you’re up to it, these get hand washed.”
I shot her a look of incredulous pity. “If I’m up to it? Please. We didn’t get a dishwasher in my house until I was eleven. And since I’m the youngest of three boys, I always got the shit job of washing, while Simon and Danny did the fun stuff, like drying and putting things away. I can wash circles around these dishes.”
Days of You and Me Page 8