“I haven’t remembered anything in a week.” The anxiety was tearing me apart. Remembering was the only thing that would help me.
“What was the last thing you remembered?”
I couldn’t help smiling as I thought about my last memory.
“What’s that little smile for?” Jasper narrowed his eyes with curiosity.
“I remembered our first kiss.”
A slight smile crept onto his lips. I felt my shoulders relax at the change of conversation topic—or maybe it was the fact that I got Jasper to smile. I was beginning to think that kind of rarity was reserved only for the past.
“Oh yeah? Awkward, right?” Jasper said.
I let out pent-up laughter.
“On the swing set…like a couple of prepubescent elementary school children.”
I laughed even harder, afraid if I stopped I would start crying. I fell back on my bed, grabbing Jasper’s arm and pulling him down with me.
“Why are you laughing?” he asked as I was practically convulsing next to him.
“I can’t stop!” I sucked in oxygen, trying to get myself under control. What was happening? All I really wanted to do was cry, but there I was, letting out all of my anger, worry, sadness and pain into a mess of hysterical laughter, of all things. To think all it took was to be compared to a “prepubescent elementary school child” for all of my suppressed emotions to come rushing to the surface.
Jasper started laughing as he watched me gasping for air. “We are so messed up.” My insides were going all kinds of crazy. Could Jasper and I really still be a we?
“It’s fine if you don’t remember everything. Don’t stress over it, okay?” Jasper said without looking at me. His eyes turned glassy, his face reserved.
I went silent, studying his face. He was hiding something.
“I thought you’d want me to remember everything,” I said after a few beats of quiet. I felt Jasper shrug his shoulders next to me.
“I’m just saying that it’s not completely necessary now that we know the letter was from your parents. So, you know, don’t strain yourself trying to force it out.”
Something was wrong. He was the last person I thought wouldn’t want me to have my memories back.
“Okay,” I said slowly. He was making me want to compel my recollections even more than before. I didn’t think I had to worry about Jasper keeping things from me, but now I was beginning to think that even he was afraid of what my memories would reveal.
“So what happened to Alex? I’ve only seen him in my memories.”
Jasper flinched at the sound of his cousin’s name.
“He was sent to the Outside.” For some reason that didn’t surprise me. The news still left me oddly unsettled.
“Oh…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He deserved it.” Jasper sounded distant—cold, even.
Before I could ask him what Alex did, Jasper was shifting his position so that he was leaning over me. I could feel my heart speeding as he lowered his face just above mine.
“You’re so—”
Chapter Fourteen
“—beautiful,” Jasper whispered as he leaned in to kiss me under the soft morning light. Muted rays of sunlight streamed in through the tall trees as we lay in our special spot in the forest.
“We’re going to be late,” I said, letting him leave a trail of kisses along my collarbone. I shivered at the tickling sensation. Jasper chuckled, pulling himself up and holding out a hand to help me. I took it, and didn’t let go until we reached the school building.
“What a great way to start the morning,” he said, grinning.
“Says the morning person. It’s bad enough to get up so early for school, but I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting up even earlier to take a detour!”
“Wasn’t it worth it?”
I blushed. “Yes.”
Before separating to get to our lockers I caught sight of Jenna. She was staring right at us, her eyes flickering to our intertwined hands for a quick moment before she turned to a huge group of kids gathered in front of her. She was waving her hands around as she spoke to Kevin McCarthy, a disturbing expression on her face.
Kevin glanced at Jasper and me, then back at her. Confirming my fears of the discussion topic, Jenna raised a finger and pointed straight at us. A couple of Kevin’s friends patted him on the back—or maybe they were pushing on his back—encouraging him toward us.
“What’s going on?” I whispered to Jasper.
“Nothing good.” Jasper watched the group, a look of concern growing on his face. “We need to go,” he said suddenly, his hand tightening around mine.
Before I could react, he was pulling me in the opposite direction. I looked over my shoulder just as Kevin reached us. He tapped on Jasper’s arm, something wild in his eyes.
“Turn around, freak,” Kevin commanded. Jasper let go of my hand and moved to stand in front of me, shielding me from whatever Kevin was sent to do. A wave of nausea hit me as I peeked behind the two boys to the growing crowd of students. Jenna and her group of instigators looked on expectantly.
“You don’t want to do this,” Jasper said. His voice was calmer than mine would have been.
“Don’t you dare tell me what I want.”
Jasper’s jaw tensed.
“You are nothing more than the filth our walls are supposed to keep out.”
“Yet here I am,” Jasper fired back. “I thought you clones lived to worship your leaders. They’re the ones who let me in. If you have a problem with it you can take it up with them.” Jasper was in the process of turning away when Kevin slammed a fist into his jaw.
Jasper’s head snapped back from the impact, appearing to be as surprised as I was. I held a hand to my mouth. Was this what Jenna wanted to happen?
The violent act sent many students into shock, some scurrying away at the sight of rules being broken, while some froze as they watched the scene unfold. Although she was far away, I could have sworn Jenna had a smug smile on her lips.
After placing a hand to the spot of impact, Jasper shook his head and laughed dryly. “You have a weak punch.”
Why was he making the situation worse? Surely Jasper new that Kevin could only get more violent. Where the hell were any of the teachers? The principal’s office was just down the hall. Why weren’t they hearing this?
Kevin was fuming. “At least I don’t prey on the weak,” he snapped, looking over at me. “Why can’t you see that he’s brainwashing you? I bet he’s already turned you against us—against Oportet.”
“Actually, only people like you could turn me against anything.” I fired back. “And you’re one to talk about brainwashing. How about you take a second to think about why you even have these ridiculous prejudices in the first place!” My voice was rising, and I realized that everyone had gone completely silent. Even Jasper was staring at me with wide eyes. Jenna’s jaw had dropped, completely stunned at my outburst. She almost looked pained, like my words were flying across the hall and hitting her in the gut. “While you’re at it, you should also consider why you do anything. You don’t even have a mind of your own.” I looked around the hallway. “None of you do!”
“You’re insane,” Kevin said incredulously. “Why are you so blind?” He jabbed his finger into Jasper’s chest. “He’s just screwing with you. You’re just too big of a desperate slut to think clearly. I guess the rumors from freshman year were true after—”
Everything happened so quickly that Kevin’s final words were lost in the melee. In one fluid motion, Jasper nailed Kevin with a wide-arcing punch to the mouth, promptly knocking him on his ass. Now I knew that Jasper wasn’t bluffing when he called Kevin’s punch weak—that was obvious in comparison.
How did Jasper learn to hit someone like that? He had mentioned the Outside being dangerous, but I hadn’t really thought about how that had affected him. I wondered how often he found it necessary to protect himself out there.
Kevin was stunned,
wincing as he felt his lips, already red with blood. I hoped the strike made him bite his tongue. I had never felt so embarrassed in front of so many people in my life.
Kevin managed to stand. He looked like he wanted to murder Jasper here in the middle of the school hallway. I didn’t understand how he could still have so much determination and hate in his eyes after it was clear who would come out of the battle on top. Kevin took a step forward, but a voice down the hall made every student in the hallway freeze.
“That’s enough! The three of you are coming with me,” said a stern woman’s voice. I turned to see our vice principal, Mrs. Hamilton, staring us down, her nostrils flaring. “This little scene will demand serious repercussions.”
I swallowed, terrified at how my parents would react at the news that their perfect daughter was in the middle of a school fight. It wasn’t going to be pretty.
Mrs. Hamilton pointed a stubby finger at me. “And you, I heard everything you said. So did the cameras,” she said with a smile full of venom. I followed her gaze to the ceiling, where one of the school’s cameras was pointed right at us.
The camera was both a blessing and a curse. If it captured the incriminating things I’d said, at least it would also show who started the fight. I didn’t want everyone to gang up on Jasper just because he was the easy target. I hoped the authorities would see the truth as clearly as it was captured on the tape.
~~~~~
“But Mrs. Hamilton, you don’t understand. This was a hate crime. They attacked us because Jasper was an Outsider,” I protested. The four of us were sitting in the vice principal’s office, and Mrs. Hamilton was handing out our punishments. Jasper kept glancing my way, and when I finally met his eyes he gave me a look to assure me that everything would be okay. I hoped he was right.
“Luna Beckham, don’t you dare talk back to me. We haven’t even begun to discuss the seriousness of your indiscretions. Who started the fight and for what reason is irrelevant. Mr. Williams used violence in this situation, which will result in a weeklong suspension, and because of his current citizen status, he will also be on probation.” She directed her attention back to Jasper. “You know what will happen if you misbehave while on probation, don’t you?”
Jasper nodded.
I knew the term from my parents. If a citizen from the Outside broke any rules while on probation they would be forced out of Oportet. This was completely unfair to Jasper. How did the instigator get off easier than the victim? A week of suspension alone was not enough for what Kevin did that morning.
I cast a glance at Kevin, who was holding a bloody ice pack to his busted lip. I didn’t feel an ounce of pity.
“Luna, I do not have the grounds to suspend you because you were not directly involved in the fighting, but personally,” she leaned closer to me over her desk, her eyes fiery, “I think what you did was far worse than any act of violence.” Something huge was exploding within me, like all my thoughts were forming into one. I did not want to be a part of a society that shamed free speech more than they did hatred or violence.
It was like cracks were rippling through how Oportet was portrayed in my mind, and they had been growing since Jasper had asked, “Do you like it here?” at the science museum.
The answer had been “no.” My life consisted of obeying, behaving, and going through the motions, and I knew my life would continue in that fashion until I died.
As soon as that thought formed, there was no going back. It had caused a chain reaction. Suddenly I was agreeing to meet a boy I barely knew, and then continually sneaking out to meet him. The way he carried himself, making me want, for the first time in my life, to not accept the mindlessness of Oportet, but to want something more, something that showed me the difference between existing and living—and then, once everything was set in motion, I couldn’t stop the thoughts that were pushing through the walls in my mind, until all of the barriers came crashing down.
The cracks grew and grew until my entire perception of our society crumbled into oblivion. I knew what I was taught to believe in, and I knew what I had been taught to oppose, and that glaring red line between the two had faded until everything ran together.
Oportet might have been safe, but safe was neither what I wanted, nor needed, to be happy. I’d always been told that the meaning of life was to follow the rules to achieve success, order, and purpose in Oportet, but I was beginning to realize that life wasn’t that simple.
I now believed the meaning of life was to find what set a person on fire, what made someone want to love unconditionally, what made someone adventurous, and what truly made a person happy. I wasn’t sure exactly what would make me feel all of those things, but I wanted to find out.
“But,” Mrs. Hamilton continued, “this kind of behavior will require several sessions with our school’s guidance counselor. If that doesn’t help you see just how wrong you are, then it’s off to the Council.” She said it like going to the Council was the equivalent of me jumping off of a cliff onto sharp rocks, and like she couldn’t wait to watch. She pried her disdainful eyes off of me to address the three of us collectively. “The tape on the camera will be distributed to each of your parents.”
Oh no. I thought I was going to throw up. If I did, then I would be sure to aim at Mrs. Hamilton.
~~~~~
Was it really necessary to include Jasper and me entering the building holding hands? I knew that Mrs. Hamilton had something to do with the way the tape was cut for our parents to view. Mine were taking it in with more anger and surprise than I even knew they possessed. Every few seconds, their heads would turn to stare at me. I tried not to meet their eyes. We were watching it on the big TV in our living room. It was humiliating. At least Megan was sent to her room before my parents slid the disc into our DVD player.
Mother gasped after my little rant about the many faults of Oportet. I’d envisioned my parents yelling at me and preaching to me about what an awful person I was, but they kept quiet, enraptured at the screen. They continued to stare for a long while after the video was over.
“Please tell me that wasn’t you we were watching,” Mother whispered. Her eyes searched mine desperately. “Please tell me that you aren’t… with… an Outsider.”
Now that my relationship with Jasper was no longer a secret, their disproval angered me. It wasn’t like they were against dating; I knew that from their constant prodding for me to associate with the sons of big shots in high governmental positions. They were just against Jasper.
“Why would you say those things?” Father asked. “Although Kevin was in the wrong, he was right about one thing.”
How could Father possibly defend anything Kevin did—or said?
“This Jasper is a bad influence, and as your parents we will not let it continue.”
“You’re so much better than this,” Mother added, gesturing to the screen. She looked heartbroken.
I knew all the blame would be placed on Jasper, and no one would ever stop to think that I came to any conclusions on my own. “What I said had nothing to do with Jasper. I don’t like the way Oportet is being run. It’s wrong.” My parents were done playing nice. I could see it on their faces.
“It doesn’t matter what you think,” Mother spat. “You have no idea what you’re saying or thinking right now—no teenager does. You should be thankful that you live in such a wonderful place as Oportet. These rules keep you safe, and give your life a purpose.” She spoke like she was reading a script from one of the few movies the Council permitted.
I had so many valid arguments I was prepared to counter her with, but then I remembered what Aunt May had said to me about them being “far too gone to be rational.”
My parents were asleep, and I had to accept the fact that I did not possess the ability to wake them up. It wasn’t too late for me, but sadly it was for them.
~~~~~
I hadn’t seen Jasper since the fight Friday morning. It was Saturday now and my family was about to leave for Megan�
�s soccer tournament, leaving me to “sort out the real truth from what had been implanted into my brain maliciously,” as my mother put it. It was funny because that was what I had been trying to do for the past month now, although not in the manner she wanted.
I’d been keeping the upstairs phone in my room, and no one had even noticed it was missing. Most people used computers for communication, including my parents. My parents each had their own laptops. Megan and I shared one, but I rarely used it. Megan was on it nonstop video-calling her many friends. She was the it-girl of middle school. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a secret boyfriend herself.
Jasper called me late last night, and I’d agreed to meet him at his house while my family was at the fields watching back-to-back games in the miserable cold. It was forty degrees, windy, with light drizzle. Needless to say, I felt pretty damn lucky to be on house arrest for the day—not that I was planning on actually staying true to this order. I’d go crazy without contact with someone who didn’t treat me like a criminal. All I’d done was speak the truth. Why was that so bad?
I braided my long, dark hair to the side. After grabbing a blue zip-up hoodie from my closet, I checked my appearance in the mirror. I scrutinized every one of my imperfections before I shook my head and walked away. The rain would ruin any makeup or hair fixes anyway. The freezing rain would be blowing into my face all the way to Jasper’s house.
I might have hated the miserable trek if it didn’t end with meeting Jasper. I wrapped my arms around myself, surprisingly chilled for someone who tends to thrive in the cold.
My thoughts attacked me. I might have seemed strong in that video, and I might have stood my ground with Mrs. Hamilton and my parents, but the truth was that I was scared.
I was scared that I was somehow going to get Jasper expelled from Oportet, or that all of this was just one big dream, and I would soon be brought back into the same old routine that I would live out for the rest of my life. I hated to admit it, but a small part of me feared my parents and Mrs. Hamilton were right. What if Jasper really did brainwash me without me detecting it? What if everything I’d been doing and thinking this past month was just a series of huge mistakes?
Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) Page 10