“After the two of you are bathed I want to check you over. You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m a doctor first.”
“Okay.” I agree softly. I look down at my feet. The traitor doesn’t let me.
“I want to see your beautiful brown eyes. You should shower while Judi is sleeping. I’ll leave for a while and give you some privacy.”
“Thank you.”
“How did you find me?” He asks carefully.
“The map you gave me.”
“The same map you tore up in my face?”
“I looked at it first.” I shrug.
“It brought you right here to my doorstep? No GPS? No map? This place isn’t as easy to find as you make it seem.”
“I am resourceful.”
“I guess so. Everything you need is in the bathroom. Take your time.”
“I will, thank you.”
“Don’t worry about anything. No one can touch you here. No one.”
He leaves on that note. I sit down on the floor and pull my knees to my chest. I rock back forth. I walked out on my husband. I walked out on the only life I know. I won’t get over it overnight. I won’t ever get over it. I feel the warmth of the traitor’s embrace still flowing through my body like a river. It’s a river flowing around a rock. A rock that is the empty ache I feel whenever I am away from Judea. My rock. My husband. He slapped me. He caned me. He believed his bitch wives over me. Liar. Heartbreaker. Traitor. He is the real traitor. Not poor Gavin who saved me from him. Nothing can save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You can’t save a person from something they don’t want to be saved from. There is no saving me. I am too far gone and I have gone too far. Oh, Judea. My heart weeps for him. What have I done? I stand up and I take my shower. I wash my hair three times and I use the new razors. The robe I’m wearing smells like Gavin Antonov. I bury my face in its softness and smile to myself. It’s nice. But, it doesn’t smell like Judea. There is a strange girl sitting on the bed playing with my son when I leave the bathroom. She looks up at me with curious brown eyes the color of whiskey. Her hair is a tangled mess and she seems fine with it. She tilts her head curiously.
“Hello.”
“Hello.” I repeat politely.
“Are you a friend of cousin Gavin?”
“Yes, I am.”
“You climbed up the wall.” She says grinning. What a beautiful girl. There is something innocent about her that reaches out to me. She is an older girl but her small and petite frame makes her look years younger.
“Yes, I did.”
“That’s awesome.” She bounces Judi on her lap. “I bet you got that scar on your face doing something bad-ass. My big cousin is the only one who can climb the wall. I can get a third of the way.”
“That’s impressive.” I try to sound supportive.
“It’s child’s play. My little brother can get farther than me.” She waves off my compliment. I wasn’t expecting such bluntness. The girl mentioned my scar right off. I touch it absently. She doesn’t seem fazed and keeps speaking.
“Cousin Kody says I’m puny but I know that if I keep practicing I will climb it too.”
“Your cousin sounds very candid.”
“He’s an ass. That’s what my mother calls him. She calls them all asses. My family, I mean. The Antonov’s.”
“Your mother sounds very wise.”
“She is the wisest of them all. It was her idea to come here when New York went dark. It’s sad to see what happened to those poor people. My dad says the sickness is going to die off and there is hope for a vaccine. Cousin Gavin is the best researcher in the world and if anyone can fix it, he can.”
“Did the trai—” I catch myself. “I mean, did Gavin, send you in here?”
“No, he told me leave you alone to settle in. I couldn’t wait to meet you and your baby. You carried him up on your back and that’s impossible. My cousins are tossing around theories.”
“I’m a good climber.” I shrug.
“That isn’t one of their theories.” Her smile reveals a very crooked front tooth. “What’s your baby’s name?”
“His name is Judea after his father.”
I wonder why she never got braces like other commoners did? She’s still pretty. That tooth makes her unique. I like it.
“It is a fine name for such a handsome fellow. You have a weird accent. Where are you from?”
“Ohio.” It comes out on its own.
“I have family in Ohio. They don’t sound like you.”
“What is your name?” I change the subject. This girl is sharp.
“Yves Antonov. What’s yours?”
“Duma Hamilton.”
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Duma. Welcome to my cousin’s home. They don’t live here. They’re on an island somewhere. We are all leaving to join them soon. Enjoy your stay.”
Yves stands and leaves like she’s suddenly bored with me. What a nice girl. I bathe Judi and wrap him in a towel. The girl left a basket full of baby things. I lotion him up and put him in one of those plastic diapers. It took me a few tries to master the sticky tapes. I’m nursing him when there is a knock on the door. I pull my scarf up over my face and cover my baby’s head. It’s Gavin with the food. He smiles warmly. I feel a combination of pleasure and guilt again.
“I missed this little guy.”
“I’m sure he’s happy to see you too.”
The baby stops nursing to turn his head and put a face to the voice. He sees Gavin and smiles. He knows Gavin.
“The baby looks healthy but his mommy doesn’t look so good. She looks tired and thin. I am going to take good care of you. The apartment next door is yours. A crib is set up in the bedroom.”
“Is your cousin rich?”
“No. My cousin is very rich. You are welcome to stay for as long as you need.”
“Are you staying here?”
“No.” He touches Judi’s black hair. “I am going back to my lab to resume my work. I took a break to spend some time with my family. They are all going off-grid until the virus dies off. They’ll come back after to help restore order. I won’t see them for a long time.”
“Is this where you live?”
“You know where I live, Sweets.”
In his lab. Gavin lives in his lab. He’s a doctor and his science is his first love. I get the feeling he loves science the way I love Judea. With everything he has. It’s an obsession.
“You should be at the party.”
“Party? That wasn’t a party. That was dinner.” His laughter reflects in his eyes. They were all so dressed up and the music... It was loud and people were singing and dancing until I climbed over the ledge. I saw wine glasses on the tables and everyone looked happy. Are they like that all the time? So, joyful and carefree?
“They are all dying to meet you but I told them that you will come out when you are ready.”
“There was a girl here.”
“That would be our Yves.” He sighs with irritation. “My little cousin doesn’t listen. She’s curious and perfectly harmless. I hope you aren’t too upset.”
“She is very sweet.”
“Yves? Sweet? She’s a monster.”
Not too long ago, a deacon called me a monster. Yves a monster? I don’t believe it. I stare at the food he brought. Pineapple and mangos. Fish and cracked crab. Rice and salad. It’s all so fresh. He sits on the bed with me and I’m not alarmed. We share the food and talk.
“You like me.” He says smiling.
“My husband asked me if I am in love with you.”
“Why would he ask you that?” Gavin is surprised.
“I told Judea you treat me better than he does.”
“You said that to him?” He’s horrified.
“It’s true. You made me feel welcome and took care of me. My husband has too much going on. It’s breaking my heart, traitor. He promised me he wouldn’t be like the other men. He promised.”
“Jude is a fool. You are the kind of wom
an that a man can build a life with. You are the kind of woman that a man wants to build a life for.”
“They told him to cane me and he did it.”
“Do you want me to kill him?” He’s serious. I shake my head sadly.
“I will be forced to kill you in retribution. You aren’t really a traitor, my husband is. I don’t want to kill you.”
“I don’t want you to kill me either.” Gavin smiles his boyish smile. “What was the answer you gave your husband when he asked if you were in love with me?”
“I told him the truth.” I look down at my hands. “I don’t know.”
“It isn’t a no.” He tips my chin up. “You couldn’t deny it which means the feelings are there. You love me.”
“It isn’t a yes.” I argue. He takes both of my hands in his.
“It isn’t a no. You are human, Sweetheart. You feel guilty because you care about me. I can see it in your eyes. You have two men. There is no need to feel guilty. I feel the same way you do.”
“I have only known one man.” I say stiffly.
“I am going to be inside of your body before this is over with. I am in no hurry to make it happen. Think of me as your second husband if you want. I don’t care.”
I laugh like the wicked sinner I am and blush at the same time. That’s a funny thought. Two husbands? It wouldn’t be so bad depending on who the two men are.
“I’m a married woman, Gavin.”
“Your husband is married too. It doesn’t stop him from fucking and making babies everywhere.”
“He hates me.”
“Judea doesn’t hate you. He’s probably losing his mind right now. Let him see how it feels to be without you for a while. I want you to stay here and heal. I know you are going back eventually, but stop making it so easy for him. Make him fight for you.”
Chapter Thirty-two
Dumani left him. Again. She left him and she isn’t coming back this time. Jude doesn’t have it in him to hunt her down and make her come back. Not this time. Not when he chased her off with a cane. He broke them. He broke them when he laid down with those women. His wives? He didn’t even know them when he married them and they knew nothing about him. He married them anyway right in front of her. She sat there in her stiff church dress and watched him vow to love two strange women. The ache in his gut hurts worse than a bullet. That’s how she felt. He promised her he wouldn’t touch them. He swore he wouldn’t fall in love with them. He swore he’d never cane her. He fucking caned her. He dealt her twenty-five stiff lashes and left her by herself. When he went for her in the morning, it was to apologize and take her home. She was right about everything. He is not the same man she fell in love with. He is no good for her. Judea turned into his father. Dumani. It’s all he can think about from one minute to the next. Dumani.
“You should eat something, husband. You hardly eat or sleep. Come to bed with me. Stop torturing yourself this way.”
“You left her, Jennifer. You rode away and you fucking left her.”
“No, husband. We didn’t see her.”
“I turned on my wife. I turned on her and so did you. I saw her clearly in the dark. She was fighting off a man trying to snatch my son away. I don’t see how two of you missed her.”
“Duma is dark. I was afraid for myself and our child.” Jenni puts her hand on her swollen belly. “Maybe I overlooked her, like I said before. I wanted to get back to you.”
Judea goes cold when she says Duma’s dark like it’s a bad thing. Like it’s an excuse to leave her to die. The bitch didn’t see Duma because she’s dark? What about Judi? He was crying.
“I never should’ve caned her. I should have told your family and the deacons to go fuck themselves. I love her. I tried to do right by too many people and I pushed my Dumani out. I pushed her out for two lying cunts and a fucking cult.”
“I didn’t lie, husband.”
“I am not your fucking husband.” He yells at her. “You will address me as Mr. Hamilton until I decide what to do with the two of you.”
“Francesca had nothing to do with it. She went along to protect her child and her place in your life. We know that you were plotting to get rid of us.”
“I wasn’t plotting to get rid of you!” He’s hysterical. “That’s why she and I fought so much! I was hoping she would come around to you after a few years. I was going to take the two of you home with us and raise my children together. You knew how I felt about you, Jenni. I cared about you. I wasn’t going to leave you behind. Now, I wish I had let her kill you.”
She throws herself at his feet. Her long, dark, hair falls around her like silk. Jude used to be fond of her hair. He jerked his dick in that hair.
“Please, forgive me. The Goodwife hates me. You know she hates me and she would have done the same thing if it was me under that horse. I wanted her dead. I admit it.”
He ponders her words for a long minute. The urge to snap her neck held him in a death grip. A man who spoke the words would already be dead. What was he thinking getting involved with these women? He was following his dick instead of his heart. The red-head was delivered of a girl child with hair like hers and his black eyes. She calls her Anna. He had his first daughter and he can’t share in her mother’s joy. He can’t be grateful or proud. Jude can’t look at her without being beat down with guilt. He looks down at Jennifer kneeling on the floor. This one is heavy and strutting around like a peacock. He hasn’t seen Duma in months. Duma. She’s the reason he’s still in Texas. Her father has four children on the way and Titus got the slut from the farmhouse pregnant. Belle hates her. They fight like cats but Titus feels like he owes the slutty one a debt for taking care of him after he busted up his leg.
Jude wants to go home. He can’t go home without Dumani. He hoped and prayed that she ran home to her mother. A bootleg postal system was created in the months she’s been gone and the landline will work if you can pay for service. He can pay. He has his number listed with a jackleg registry set up by the new government to reunite families. Reverend J. Hamilton, Texas. Just in case. It took two long weeks to get a response to his letter. She isn’t with her mother. She went south. To him. The bastard is sleeping with his wife and raising his son. He’s taking care of his family. Judea’s heart pounds hard and his fists ball reflexively. He’s tempted to smash them into the side of Jenni’s head.
“The congregation is ready, Reverend Hamilton.”
Judea looks up at the woman who was sent to get him. He’s tired of Sunday service and the whole damn congregation. He is sick of the church. The woman isn’t the least bit affected by his pregnant wife on the floor. She bows her head and leaves. Duma would make a tasteless joke about his so-called women’s suffrage movement.
“Get up, Jenni. Go and take your seat. After service, you are excused to your room until I send for you.”
He doesn’t help her stand or watch her leave. He pours himself a shot of Jack instead.
“What are you going to do? Stay in Texas forever?” Titus asks him from the doorway.
“I’m thinking about it.” Judea tosses back his shot. “In case she comes back to me.”
“I knew your wife was lying. You believed them, not me. It’s your own fault.”
“Why didn’t you do anything? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I did. I told you to let me cane her. She would have forgiven me. I’m her brother.”
“Why did I do it, Titus? How could I do that to her? What’s wrong with me?”
“You are a man of the church and it comes with consequences. Duma blasphemed. She had to be punished but you didn’t have to be the one to punish her.”
“I don’t want another man touching her. It was my task.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing my Goodwife can’t speak. Duma was bound to get you into trouble with that mouth of hers.”
“She’s rude.” Judea smiles fondly. “I don’t care where she’s been. I want her back.”
“I miss her too. She hasn’t
written or anything. What if something happened to her? Maybe I should call and make sure she’s okay.” Titus suggests. Judea was glad Titus finally said it. Neither of them had mentioned the traitor yet but they both know she is with him. With that wife stealing bastard, Gavin. Fucking Gavin. He couldn’t have stolen her if Judea hadn’t let him. He put her in his fucking lap.
“No, let her be. She knows her way back if she wants to find us.”
“Like her mother?” Titus tosses out there. He watches Judea blanche.
“Duma is nothing like Naomi, Titus.” He lights a cigarette. “She loves me. Her mother never loved Shadrach. She will come back to her family.”
Me. Judea thinks to himself. She will come back to me. Please come back to me. Please. He’ll change back into the man he was. He will be the best husband that he can be. If she will forgive him and come home to him he will do whatever she wants him to. Please don’t love him more than me. He prays every day. Dumani. His heart aches with the thought of her name. Dumani. Come home.
I will never get used to this view. Or, these people. They are wonderful and their children are very sweet. But, they are aggressive and imposing. They want me to dress up and dine with them or go to the beach with them every day. They want me to sit and talk like girlfriends. I am not wired that way. They encourage me to show my face and be proud of who I am. They don’t know me. I am proud of who I am. I have a hundred-acre farm, an estranged but handsome husband, and a healthy son. I am very proud. I know they mean well and want me to be more like them. I know they want me to be free. I am free. I cover my face because I want to. I’m comfortable behind my scarves. I am fine with my old lady dresses. Gavin tried to explain it to them when he asked them to stop sending me clothing that I’ll never wear. I will never wear a bathing suit or sleeveless tops. I will never wear shorts. I will never stop covering myself. The more they try to make me like them, the more I feel like an outcast. When I’m around them, I feel uncomfortable with the scarf on. I feel uncomfortable when it’s off because I want it on. I slowly pulled away from them and stay to myself.
The Doomsday Papers Page 34