The Doomsday Papers

by JanJan Untamed

  Gavin doesn’t argue with me or tell me to be more social. He doesn’t ask me to bend or conform. I don’t mind that he works a lot. I won’t stand between him and his passion. I didn’t want to walk in the garden or stroll on the beach because I might encounter one of the house guests. Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful people in a common way. My room was more confining than my cell in the lab. The library was my window to anywhere I wanted to go. There is no library in the beautiful suite with the good view. The walls trapped me in and made me want to run. That’s how I ended up here in this house on the beach. Gavin packed up our things and drove us here. He is everything I knew he would be. I’ve been with him for months and we still haven’t joined our bodies. We don’t have to. He understands my reservations and he respects my boundaries. The traitor knows what I need. He’s taking care of me and Judi. We are joining something deeper than our bodies.

  The other night, I asked him to make love to me. He refused. I asked him, why? Don’t you want to? Gavin smiled and said, yes. But, I only want to fuck him to take my mind off Judea. I was horny and he could help me out with that. He licked my pussy and finger fucked me until I came. I felt much better after. He kissed me and went back to his lab. After he was gone and I laid in bed thinking about Gavin eating me out, I realized he was right. I wanted to fuck him but if I had my choice, I would rather fuck Judea. His dick is so big and he’s such a good lover. I love fucking Judea. Who knows what kind of lover Gavin will be? I’ll find out eventually, when I’m ready. I hardly ever see him to fuck him. His family sees him less than I do. I thought he was here to spend time with them? They’re used to it, he said when I asked. His family is interesting. Judea is nothing like these pampered pretty boys. They’re pretty but I wouldn’t want to cross any of them.

  There is one man in particular who watches me like I might steal something. Douglas O’Malley. He’s the caretaker when the owners are away. He asked me quiet questions that me feel like I was being interrogated. Are my parents still living? Do I have any siblings? How did I meet Gavin? How old am I? Where is my son’s father? He couldn’t place my accent. Where am I from? I never knew I had an accent. It bothered him when he didn’t recognize it. It triggered something in him. I saw it in his eyes. His brown hair and eyes are handsome enough to attract the ladies but he doesn’t stand out. His questions triggered something in me too. O’Malley knew I was politely deflecting his questions or giving obtuse answers. Douglas watches me like he is looking for signs. I’m not sure of what. Maybe he thinks I’m a crook? I don’t know.

  I’m lonely when Gavin is working. I can’t lie. At first, I didn’t care. I don’t mind being alone but not all the time. It started out a few hours a day. Then five, and eight, to twelve and fifteen hours a day. I have this wonderful house and a plentiful garden. I pick fruit right from the tree. I’m doing well. Until I look at my son and I see his father. That’s when I feel the loneliest. He is a father again by now. I don’t know why I pick up the phone. There is a clicking sound. I look around the empty room. Who would I call? I don’t even know how to use a phone.

  “Operator.” I drop it when a human voice speaks to me from the other end.

  “Hello? Are you there?” A woman says from the receiver.

  I pick it up again with my heart pounding.

  “Hello?” I ask her. Is she looking for Gavin?

  “This is the Operator. What country are you calling?”

  “Umm, the United States of America?”

  “Name?”

  “Excuse me? Why do you want my name?”

  “I need the name of the person you are trying to call so I can look them up in the phonebook, Sweetie.”

  “Judea Hamilton?”

  “What state?”

  “New York?”

  “Hmm, no Judea Hamilton in New York.”

  “Texas, try Texas.” My heart is beating fast. What am I doing?

  “No. No Judea Hamil—” She pauses. “Wait, I do have a listing for a Reverend J. Hamilton. Could that be the person you are looking for?”

  He is exactly who I am looking for. My eyes burn with tears.

  “Would you like to be connected?”

  He hates me. I hate him because he caned me and because he loves them.

  “Yes, please.” There is a pause and a series of clicks.

  “Your call has been connected.” She hangs up and the line rings once. I feel like throwing up. But, I don’t feel like hanging up. I’m going to have a heart attack if it beats any faster.

  “Hamilton.”

  I almost drop the phone again. It’s him. It’s Judea. I cover my mouth so I don’t do something stupid like ask him if he misses me. It’s really him. Judea.

  “Hello?”

  I hang up. I’m shaking and feeling foolish. Why did I call him? Why did he answer? He sounded tired and sad. He sounded defeated. I worry about Judea while I am playing in the sand with Judi. I worry about him as I bathe him later in the day. I worry about him when I feed our son and lay him down for the night. I sit outside on the patio and I worry about him some more. I can’t help myself. I turn on the baby monitor and wander down the black beach. I get a chill like the breeze turned cold but I know it didn’t. Something’s wrong. I can’t explain how I know, I just know. It’s a warning. Someone is watching me. I draw my pistol and turn off the safety before I turn and jog the short distance to the front door. I close and lock the storm shutters before I sit out on the patio with my gun in my lap drinking a splash of whisky. I am not afraid of whatever was out there. It’s gone now. I am thinking maybe it is afraid of me. After my third or fourth splash, I’m not sure which, I feel restless and unconcerned.

  “Operator.”

  “Reverend Judea Hamilton, Texas.”

  “Your call has been connected.”

  I am going to ask him how he and my brother are doing. That’s it. I am going to make sure they are okay and move on.

  “Hello?”

  I feel caned all over again. It’s her. The bitch is still with him? He kept her after what she did to me? I want to shake him. And shoot him right after.

  “Is anyone there?” She asks softly.

  “What is it?” I hear Judea snap groggily. I woke them up.

  “The phone rang. There is no one there.”

  I’m pissed off. I’m hurt. Judea swears as the phone exchanges hands. My guess is that he snatched it from her.

  “Dumani? I know it’s you. Come home. I love you. I love my son.”

  I hang up again. I want to smash the phone against the wall. I don’t dare. They are kind enough to let me stay here. The least I can do is not break their things. Not even when I wish it was my husband’s face. I go into the bathroom, bury my face in a folded towel and cry to myself. Come home. What home? I have no home. My mother will be devastated when she finds out I ran off. She will make me beg for the churche’s forgiveness and curse me for leaving my husband. I took his son away from his father. That’s unforgiveable. What if she sends me away? Where will I go? I lay in bed for hours, eyes wide open, praying for a sign. The bed dips when Gavin joins me. He is damp from a shower and wearing his pajama pants when I turn over into his arms. I need him right now. I need him so badly. He can make the pain go away. My golden dreamer has been waiting for this moment since I showed up here. Gavin Antonov is a dreamer. He smokes marijuana and talks about saving the world with a far-off look in his eyes. He’s warm and boyish in many ways. Not now. He’s all man.

  “What are you doing?” I ask him when he leaves the bed.

  “Turning on the light.”

  “Please, don’t.”

  “I am turning on the light.” He says with soft authority. The lamp beside the bed comes alive casting us in a warm, yellow glow. I close my eyes when he begins to undress me. I am trembling with so many emotions. Lust for this man and guilt for the other. None of that is making me have second thoughts. His fingers stop.

  “Open your eyes, Duma. I want you to see who is
on top of you right now. It’s not him, it’s me. Tell me to stop or I am going to continue.”

  I am glad he is giving me a chance to back out. I let my emotions control my actions and I do hasty things. This is Gavin, the traitor. He is not my husband. What am I doing? What am I thinking?

  “Don’t stop.” I look him in the eyes. “Please, don’t stop.” I cup his jaw and I guide his lips to mine. He pulls away to look at me. I don’t know what he was expecting or what he was hoping for but I am sure it isn’t me. I look nothing like the other women walking around in their string bikinis and pretty dresses. I know it and I hate it. Gavin looks his fill before his eyes meet mine again.

  “I can fix this if you want me to.” He says touching the skin on my arms. “I can take away this scar.” His fingertip traces over the puckered skin. “You are too young to walk around for the rest of your life not liking yourself. I am the best reconstructive surgeon in the world.”

  I grab my Gavin and hug him. I believe him. He’s so smart. I love his eccentricity and his oddness. I love him for stealing me and forcing his common ways on me. There are no other women. It’s been the two of us and he’s okay with it. His relationships never last very long because his first love is and always will be his work. I am okay with that because my first love is and always will be my son. Gavin Antonov is a gentle lover.

  “Your mouth feels so good on me, Duma. Did my mouth feel good on you? Did I make you cum?”

  I can’t speak with my mouth full of him like this so I nod my head yes. He pulls himself out of my mouth so I can answer.

  “Yes, Gavin.”

  Gavin pushes himself back into my mouth. He holds the side of my head as he watches himself going in and out between my lips.

  “I love the way you say my name. I am no traitor.”

  I am ready and willing when he opens a condom and rolls it on. He pushes my legs apart and rubs the head of his dick over my slickness before easing himself into me.

  “Gavin.” I whisper. My pussy swallows him whole. It feels more right than wrong when he’s moving inside of me and I am moving with him. I can’t get enough and he is already giving me his all. I take it and I make it enough. My shameless big-dick loving self.

  “I have waited my whole life for you.” He says kissing the breath out of me.

  “Gavin—”

  I don’t understand. It isn’t supposed to feel this way. It isn’t supposed to feel this right. I come whispering his name. Gavin smiles and fucks me harder. He fucks me until the last tremor is over. I came alone. He turns me around on all fours. I look back over my shoulder and I watch him fuck me from behind. Him. Gavin. Pale from lack of sun, yellow hair, and gym body Gavin. This is from running and lifting and crunching and doing leg presses. I walked on the treadmill at snail’s pace beside him. I paid him no attention back then. I was always thinking of home. I was always thinking of.

  “Gavin!” He drags his name out of me cutting off the thought. I let him fuck me like I am not married to someone else. I fuck him back like we are free to make decisions like this without repercussion. I want him and he wants me and that is what matters right now. I am selfish enough to want it all. I deserve it. What if we get married? What if we stay together? We aren’t free to do what we want so it doesn’t matter. Gavin holds me afterward and we fall asleep face to face.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  The sun is always shining here. I wake up to it high in the sky. Gavin smiles.

  “Good morning.”

  I’m surprised to find him in bed so late. He usually taps my shoulder and kisses me on his way to work before dawn. Not this morning. Gavin, is my lover now.

  “You’re late for work.” I say yawning. He smiles again, brushing my hair back.

  “I thought I would take the day off.” He pulls me into his arms nudging my knees apart and lifting my leg over his hips.

  “Judi.” I stop him.

  “He’s up at the house with Yves. Don’t argue, he didn’t cry and they are happy to help. She wanted to keep him.”

  “So we can do this?” I ask.

  “What’s wrong with this?” His lips cut me off as he joins our bodies. Everything is wrong about this. We aren’t together. I murmur his name. Gavin. I’m glad we waited. I want to fit in somewhere. Maybe I’ll fit in with him eventually. Later, we lay in bed and have one of his faraway conversations. I love listening to him daydream. It’s beautifully tragic.

  “My work consumes me, you know? My research saves lives. In return, it takes my life away from me. I find myself in a place I have never been before and it scares me. I think about you more than I think about my work. I want to be with you and Judi more than I want to be in my laboratory. I want to be here watching over you. I want to be doing this.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “I don’t think so. Maybe it is. I don’t care. I want to be with you. I have an island—”

  “An island?” I cut him off. “That sounds awfully far, Gavin.” I say hesitantly.

  “It’s very far. It is also the most beautiful place on earth. I want to take you home with me and live with you as husband and wife, Duma.”

  My heart skips twice and I don’t say anything for a moment. We can’t do that. Can we?

  “I will never be the kind of woman you’re used to.”

  “That’s why I love you so much.” My head is cradled to his chest and my cheek is pressing against his skin. I smile to myself.

  “Have you ever been in love before, Gavin?”

  “Yes. You remind me of her.”

  “How are we similar? Was she unpretty too?”

  “Unpretty? You are still pretty. My Brenda had the same curious brown eyes as you and the same beautiful complexion. She was about your height but she weighed more than you do. She was two hands full.”

  “Was she quiet like me or was she bold like your cousin’s wives?”

  “She was exactly like you.”

  Brenda, what an unusual name.

  “Do all of your cousins marry black women? Are any of them married to white women?”

  “Yes, some of them are married to white women, and Asian woman, and Latinas. We like what we like. We marry for reasons that are our own. Tell me about your husband.”

  “Judea is Judea.” I don’t want to talk about him.

  “Do you miss him?”

  “Sometimes.” All the time. “Do you miss your Brenda?”

  “Not as much as I used to.” He kisses my hair. “You are special, Duma. More special than you know. I am laying here soaking up your energy like the sun. It’s extraordinary like you. Nothing can touch you.”

  “I was shot and cut. My heart was broken. Something touched me.”

  “It didn’t kill you. Those are surface wounds.”

  “How long would my surgery take?”

  “It will take hours. Maybe a day. I would normally do it in stages. They do the arms in one surgery, the middle after it’s healed and so on.”

  “Is it painful?”

  “Very painful but I have anesthesia and pain control medication. My cousin Orion is a plastic surgeon and he will help. I can take better care of you than any hospital.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “It is up to you. Think about it first.”

  “Okay.”

  I think about it all week as the place is buzzing about O’Malley’s birthday. The commoners are having a party that everyone is attending- including me. I have no choice. Douglas brought me the invitation himself. I was thinking of excuses when he said. “It’s a masquerade ball. I want all of my guests to feel comfortable.”

  “Thank you for the invitation. I look forward to it.” I lie. His smile says he knows it.

  I am all over Gavin when he comes in at 3 a.m.

  “They invited me to some party.”

  “Shit, Duma. You scared the hell out of me. What are you still doing up?”

  “I can’t sleep. He came here and gave me the invitation himself. Tell
them I can’t make it. I don’t want to go to a party.”

  “Why not? I ordered you a dress and you will be wearing a mask. It will be fun.”

  “That isn’t fun to me. I’m not going.”

  “He will be insulted if you don’t show up and say happy birthday. We can leave right after. My colleague is here and I want you to meet her.”

  “I don’t want to go.” I whine. Gavin begins to undress.

  “Don’t wander too far from home while the house is full. My family keeps company with all sorts of nasties. I want to know if anyone bothers you.”

  “This party is bothering me.”

  “I have something that will take your mind off the party and put you to sleep.”

  “Gavin.” I blush warmly. “Say no more.” He doesn’t. Not for a while.

  I stare at the big dress hanging in the closet with wonder. It’s so beautiful. And black. I asked for black and Gavin gave me black on black. The high neck and long sleeves will cover my top and the big bottom will make me pretty. I’ve never seen a dress like this before. Only on TV and I’m sure they weren’t as pretty as this one. I finger the layers of black silk and run my finger over the exquisite mask. It is fancier than the dress and the black silk is embellished with crystals and pearls. Did Gavin pick this out himself?

  “Do you like it?”

  “Yes, thank you.” I say shyly.

  “What’s wrong? You can change what you don’t like.”

  “No one has ever given me anything like this before.”

  “Women are supposed to be spoiled and given whatever they want. I’ll have to give you gifts more often if it makes you smile like this. I’m going to work for a few hours before the party. If I’m late, go on without me.”

  Gavin is always late. I am surprised when Yves knocks on my door while I am still dressing. She’s carrying a suitcase and smiling like she knows a secret.