“I kept it covered for my husband.”
“I can agree with the selfish sentiment of that. It tempts men to touch it.” Maximino leans over and inhales the scent of my hair. “It’s soft and wild like you.”
“I don’t want to be wild.”
“Do you want to be a machine?”
“No.” I say quickly. “I don’t want to be like that either.”
“What’s wrong with being free? What’s wrong with having fun? You are being free right now and you like it.”
“You called me a slut.”
“You aren’t a slut. But, you do have potential that I’d like to tap into it.”
“Please, don’t call me a slut. I don’t want that kind of potential.”
“Okay Kitten, I won’t call you a slut anymore if it upsets you.”
“It upsets me.”
“I am not a nice person, Dumani. I enjoy my freedom. I enjoy my women.”
“You can grow to share my affection.” I hope so anyway.
“We share more than affection, witch. I have no problem walking away from human women. I have to be dragged away from sorceresses like you. I want to get back into bed with you right now and fuck you again.”
“You do?”
“You are in my head. I can feel your blood in my veins. I can’t get enough of you, Dumani. It’s one of the reasons I’m taking you home. I don’t want someone like me coming upon you. He or they will use you for a blood bag.”
“I disrespected Gavin. I treated him terribly.”
“Believe me, you are doing him a favor. He wants to bury himself underground with his samples and his assistant. Gavin loves working more than he loves fucking you.”
“You’re crude.”
“I fucked you while I drank your blood. I am more than crude.”
“You shouldn’t say it that way. You make it sound wrong.”
“It is wrong. It will still be wrong when we do it again.”
I blush and my pussy blushes too. I change the subject.
“How long are you staying here?”
“Long enough for you to say your goodbyes. We’re leaving before you get into any more trouble.”
“More trouble?”
“I am the worst kind of trouble.”
“What if they don’t take me back?” I think about my mother. “What if he hates me?”
“Your husband is waiting for you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you’re his wife. I never would have let you leave. He is a better man than I am.”
“No, he isn’t.” I say.
It’s his turn to blush. He stands up. “I have to go. I’ll come for you in a few days.”
“A few days? I won’t see you for days?”
“The blood is making you clingy, Kitten. Women think they love me after I fuck them.”
“I am one of those foolish women.”
“No, you aren’t. Those women are replaceable. You are not.”
“Can I still see you later?”
“No. I am meeting someone. I took enough risk spending the night with you.”
A woman? Is he going to sleep with her? Does he love her? Who is she?
“We aren’t together. I told you that I am no good for you.” Maximino leaves me on the trail alone. I walk back to the beach house feeling used again. I take care of my son’s needs and cry. My soul is hurting. I feel empty. I am out of control. I need to see my lover tonight. Even if it’s at dinner. When it comes time to dress, I open the common closet again and take out a dark green evening dress. It covers me from neck to toe but the material has a sheen to it that fascinates me. I look at it for a while. Can I wear something like this? I put it on and admire how smoothly it lays over my curves. I have a moment. This is not Godly. I shake my hair and leave it go. I don’t know anything about makeup. I put coconut oil on my lips to make sure they don’t look dry. I leave Judi in the nursery and walk to the dining room. The people having drinks in the parlor are surprised to see me. They are more surprised to see me in a color besides ugly.
“Duma, how wonderful of you to join us. Come, you’ll sit with me.”
It’s one of the Antonovs. I can’t remember his name right off. He’s shameless and flirts with everyone. The flirt kisses my hand before hooking it through his arm. He winks at me. Aubrey. His name is Aubrey. I smile inside and look away.
“I like shy women.” He whispers in my ear. He puts his face in my clean hair to do so.
“Aubrey.” A voice warns. “It’s not cool to hit on your cousin’s guest.” Douglas says with disapproval. They need not worry. I am not here for Aubrey. Nor am I here for the men who flirt with me and drag me into conversation during the meal. I don’t feel odd or uncomfortable. Maybe it’s the wine I am drinking. After a glass, I am smiling and answering questions with my non-specific answers. After two, Aubrey Antonov has me laughing my head off and has earned the title of shameless. I am here for the man that I haven’t even looked at since I joined the family for dinner. The man who I can still feel inside of me. Only a man in his feelings kisses a woman the way Maximino kisses me. He feels it too.
“Aubrey, leave her alone.” Douglas says in a bored voice from the head of the table. His attention is dominated by the woman at his side. I don’t think he cares either way.
“We all know where Gavin’s girlfriend is. Besides, they aren’t married.”
“Don’t be a tool. She’s our guest.”
“Why is everyone so uptight? We are just talking and having a very interesting conversation.”
“About what pray tell?”
“Her climbing K-2 with me, but—”
They bicker back and forth and I take the opportunity to glance around the table. He’s with a different woman tonight and they are speaking in low voices. I look away and go back to drinking. I don’t look at him for the rest of the night. I let Aubrey flirt with me and play in my hair. I let him refill my glass and make me laugh. I enjoy myself.
Chapter Thirty-seven
I am drunk when walk back singing off-key and carrying my shoes. Aubrey is very sweet. He was trying to make me feel welcome and it worked. They carried the party outside but I drank too much wine and I am not myself. I refused when he asked to walk me back. I don’t want to end up in bed with another man. No. I am making it on my own. I stumble and catch myself before I fall. See? I let myself in. I drop my shoes and walk over to the stereo. I’m not sleepy. I’m drunk. I don’t know how long I stand here before I hear the door open and close. I knew he would come. He walks over to me uninvited and turns me around to face him.
“You are fucking both cousins now?” Max’s eyes are bright like he’s been drinking. Because he’s jealous. I smile.
“Why not? I fucked you.”
Wrong answer. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. He grabs me by my hair and we fall onto the bed fighting to remove our clothes. We roll across the big bed in our fight for dominance. I end up on the bottom folded in half with my feet up past my head. His hands are wrapped around my ankles holding me here. Immobile. Like a prisoner. Taking. His eyes are glowing like Aurora Borealis and I can’t look away. Who is he? What is he? A friend of the Antonov’s and lover of mine. We are sneaking around and disrespecting people. We are fucking like we don’t care. I am tingling all over the way your foot does when it falls asleep. I wonder if I’m dying. Would he be me kissing me? And digging into me this way if I was dying? Maybe.
“I’m cumming already. I like your legs up like this. I can put it wherever I want.”
“No, please. It still hurts from earlier.” I plead.
“More of the reason to keep practicing or it will close up.” Max is a bad person. He has no respect for anything. I am no better. I gush when I cum. It wets him. It wets the bed. It’s slapping between us. He pulls out and goes down on me. Licking. Making slurping sounds. Sucking my soul out of me. He is inside of me again in time for me to cum. What we are doing is unforgiveable so I won’t ask for forgivenes
s. Not of anyone on earth. This is what life is for. Loving and feeling. Sometimes, it feels best with the wrong people. We lay in bed naked like we are the married couple. I feel safe with him. Nothing can touch me but him.
“I could fuck you half to death every night and you will be ready to go again the next day. Your husband fucked you like a human.”
“My husband was an understanding lover.”
“Witches don’t need understanding. They need good dick and a loyal protector.”
“What do you need?”
“I need my freedom.”
“Why can’t we be free together?”
“Your place is with your husband.”
“He doesn’t treat me right.”
“I will treat you worse.” He untangles himself and stands up.
“Where are you going?”
“It’s getting late. Time for me to go.”
“Are you going to another woman?”
He shakes his head no. “You tapped me out, Kitten. I am no good to another woman tonight. I’m going back to my room to lay in bed and think about you.”
“Can I come with you?”
“You came with me. Again and again.”
“Maximino.” I’m serious.
“No, Dumani. Tomorrow. I will see you tomorrow. I give you my word. I will make a way.”
We kiss at the door like he’s leaving forever. This is us bonding. Sinning. Betraying.
“Stay away from the boy or I will kill him and make it look like a lab accident. I will smell him on you even after you shower.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
He kisses me again and leaves. I am too tired and too content to care about the state of the bed or the room. I bolt the door and fall asleep in our sex to feel closer to him. Maximino. The one who hears my thoughts. “I used to hunt your kind,” he said. Am I really a witch? Who would know? My mother? Titus? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter if I changed the bed or not because Gavin doesn’t come back until late the next morning after the room has been cleaned and my son returned to me. His lack of attention gives me an excuse to be angry at him. He cares about his work more than me. That is what I yell at him. I know he does. It never bothered me. I know Gavin. An attack on his work is an attack on him. He apologizes and pretends to be sorry. I give us what we both want. I send him running back to his safe-haven and his woman. Let him chase his cure. I will chase nirvana with Maximino. What a lovely word. Nirvana. It means a state of perfect happiness.
My son sleeps through the heated exchange without a care in the world. I stroke his dark hair. This isn’t the place for him. He shouldn’t be around things like Maximino. He shouldn’t be around people like me. But, I can’t leave him. I’m going back to his father and I’ll make the best of it. My son needs me and I need him. What about what I want? Who cares what I want? I want a man that doesn’t want anyone. Why doesn’t he want me? What’s wrong with me? I think he’s a man. He smells like a man. He feels like a dream.
“I am better than a man.” Max whispers in my ear as his arms come around me. “What do you want from me, witch?”
“I want it all.” I want everything he has to give me.
“I am tempted to give it to you.” Maximin admits. We kiss and we hug but we do not join bodies. Not with my son sleeping in his crib.
“We should go.” He says softly. His eyes are flickering like diamonds. I know what he means. We should leave here before we hurt people. We can’t do this anymore. Our fingers lock together. We can’t be together the way he wants and we will never be together the way I need to be. Either way, it’s time for us to go.
“Okay.”
Gavin is heartbroken when I sit him down and I tell him that it’s time for me to go. I’ve decided to go home to Judea. They know I’m coming and they are meeting me. I am sad for us but sometimes plans change. Feelings change. Forcing a person to be good their whole life is crippling. Bad can be good. We need a little bad to balance it out. I wrote the Antonovs a short thankyou letter that I hand to him.
“I can’t let you walk away alone. I should see you home.”
I am wearing my old clothes, my hair and face are covered, and Judi is strapped to my back. We are ready to go.
“My husband is meeting me. I called him last night. They have a plane now.”
It’s true. The church has a plane and a pilot. They’re meeting me in what used to be Austin.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
“This is what I have to do, Gavin. For myself and for you.”
“I love you, Duma. We’re good together.”
It’s funny he would say that after I saw him fucking another woman. I said the same thing once. We are good together. It’s because we are both easy to please and low maintenance. We are comfortable with boring. I was until Maximino came along.
“Maybe we’ll see each other again one day.”
“Your husband will never let you go again. This is goodbye, isn’t it?”
“You are a good man, Gavin. I’ll miss you.” We hug each other tightly. He feels like an old friend. I kiss him goodbye and I feel a flutter. Only a flutter. Nothing that will change my mind.
“Take care of yourself, sweetheart. You know where to find me if you need me.”
Buried underground in the middle of the desert. He doesn’t have to say it. That’s his life. His lab is his Maximino.
“You are going to save them, Gavin. I know you will.”
I walk away from him forever. It feels good to be moving around again. I don’t mind the heat and humidity. I’ve been hot before. I walk up the gravel road in my old farm boots. They have taken me everywhere I’ve been. They will carry me on. I pass the two-mile mark. Then the third. He isn’t here. He left me behind. Max knows I won’t go back to Gavin. There is only one place for me to go. I am going back to grovel at the church’s feet.
“You let him kiss you.” He accuses from behind me.
“No, I kissed him.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“It was okay.”
He takes my hand and our fingers lock together like we are together now. We aren’t. It doesn’t matter to me. There is a car waiting up ahead. A man gets out and opens the door for us. I’m surprised when he bows politely. Max takes Judi before I get in. He gets in after me and we meet in the middle of the seat.
“How old is he?”
“Judea is a year old. Do you have children?”
“Not yet.” His arm swings around my shoulder. We look like a family. Maximino’s plane climbs into the sky with me clinging to the window. It’s amazing. Making love to him in the sky is even more amazing. Two hours later we land at a deserted airstrip. It looks like the scene from a sci-fi movie. I see the plane waiting. My heart is in my throat. This is it. Maximino is rubbing my back. This is for the best. We will never be a family. He drinks blood. He wants a thrall. I want love. The door opens and I hold my son to my chest. I don’t want to go.
“Go on. There is no sense in dragging it out. Are you sure you don’t want me to walk over with you?”
“I’m sure.”
“Good luck, Dumani.”
“Thank you, Maximino.” We kiss with my tears wetting our lips.
“Go.”
My mind is made up. The heat is smothering when I cross the pavement to the second plane. Where are all the other planes? Stolen maybe. I smile when I see my brother but he can’t see it through my scarf. He kept his word and came alone. Titus smiles too and we hug when we get close enough.
“It’s good to see you, sister.”
“You too, brother. How are you?”
“Well, and you?”
“This is hard.” I admit.
“It’s the right thing to do.”
I hand him my son with shaking arms.
“I’ll take care of him until you come back.”
“I know you will, Titus. How is he?” I ask tearfully. We both know who I’m talking about.
�
��Why don’t you ask me yourself, you coward?”
My eyes widen and my heart stops. I was crossed by my own brother. He lied to me. I am hurt that he thinks so little of our trust. My estranged husband is standing behind me.
“I have nothing to say to you, Judea. Why are you here?”
“Because you are my wife. Why don’t you want to see me?”
“You are a woman beater with too many women.”
“I’m working on it.”
“Still? You keep my son away from them, brother.”
“He’ll be fine.”
“I’m coming back, Titus.” I promise. One day.
“My door is always open to you.”
I watch my brother carry my son into the plane with a heavy heart. This is the toughest decision that I will ever make. I am not sure if I can do it. I want passion and adventure, but I want to be a mother more. Judea needs his mother. My husband doesn’t need me. Max doesn’t need me. My son needs me. I can’t go Rome. I’m going home with Judea if he still wants me.
“You’re leaving your son again to whore for another man who isn’t your husband? Go on and leave. If you get on that fucking plane our marriage is over. I don’t want you back. I have other wives. Ones that don’t run off or fuck every man that winks at them.”
I look up at him with my blood frozen in my veins. I was going to stay you son of a bitch. I love you. I was going to stay and stick it out. Why did you say that? Maybe I am a whore. Whatever I am, it doesn’t belong to Judea. Not anymore. I turn and walk away from him. Maybe one day he will figure it out. Maybe this is him figured out. I don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t sit in the corner with my head down anymore. It turns out, I’m not a good girl after all.
“I don’t want you back. Don’t come crawling to me when he doesn’t want you anymore either, Duma Dare. You scarred whore!”
The shot rings out and catch me square in the back. The bullets tear through my heart and exit through my chest. I stumble but I keep going. My steps quicken into running. His words are lethal. I want to get as far away from them as I can. I am running but I can never run far enough. I want to turn back and look at him one last time. I can’t help it. But if I do, I will see those words on his face. Max is standing outside waiting for me. His face is steely. The bullets hit him too. He ushers me inside and into my seat. “Don’t come crawling back to me when he doesn’t want you anymore either. You scarred whore.” Oh, my God.” The door closes and we are already moving. Get off the plane, Duma. Go home to your husband. No. I’m not. I will never crawl back to him. When I am settled and stable, I will return for my son. If Judi doesn’t want to live with me then I will move to be close to him. Right now, he needs stability that I don’t have. We are both newly born in a way. My brother will take good care of him. He will let him read Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. He will teach him to ride and shoot and hunt. Titus will teach him how to be a man and let him be a boy. Maximino pulls me into his arms and I feel warm inside where Judea made it cold.
The Doomsday Papers Page 40