She cuddled him and, lifting her blouse, brought him to her breast. She laughed as he sucked furiously. “Well, that was obviously what you were after. We’ll be quicker about it next time, little one.” She watched his eyes flutter closed as he continued to suck until that too, slowed down. She lifted him to pat him on the back and burp him, and then put him to the other breast. He latched on, and his little cheeks worked furiously as he sucked away.
“Not sure if you’re getting anything, but it seems to soothe you,” Kalia said as she stroked the top of his head.
She leaned back to relax. She was so happy to be home again and felt lucky and blessed that her hospital stay had been short.
Slowly Mani stopped sucking and let go of the breast as he fell softly into sleep. The quiet was startling after that miserable ride home.
Note to self: do not get into a car with a hungry baby, she thought. You cannot breastfeed a baby in a car seat.
Kalia gently burped him one more time and then carried him over to the twin bed and laid down, keeping Mani on her chest. She wasn’t quite ready to set him in the crib on his own. She wanted to hold him close a little bit longer. Such a warm little bundle. She threw a blanket over them both and drifted off to sleep.
Krista finished unloading the car. She took off her coat and headed to the nursery, curious now that it was quiet. She took one look at Kalia’s exhausted face and the tiny baby cuddled contentedly on her chest.
It was a lot of trouble. She hoped Kalia didn’t regret it. The thought of changing diapers grossed her out, but she could make it easier for Kalia by cooking the meals, looking after the laundry, and keeping the house tidy. Kalia would shoulder the brunt of looking after Mani while she was breastfeeding, but Krista could keep house.
Krista closed the door quietly and headed to the kitchen. When they woke up, Kalia was probably going to be hungry.
Chapter 9
Mack Challen unlocked the front door of his house. He stepped inside, flicked on the light in the front hall, and dropped his bag on the floor. He was exhausted after the tour.
Six weeks on the road with a sold-out concert almost every other night in a different city had taken its toll. Their fourth CD had hit the sweet spot – they were riding a wave of popularity across North America. It was crazy to hear Shades songs on the radio and even crazier now that they were played with startling frequency. But sleeping every night on the converted bus in a small bunk with little privacy had quickly lost its appeal.
A shower to wash away the grit of travel and then sleep was all he wanted. Continuous, uninterrupted sleep, in a king-size bed, in a dark, quiet room. Alone.
He swayed with fatigue. Maybe he would skip the shower. But then he caught a whiff of himself. Maybe not. Quick shower, long sleep.
It hadn’t always been an easy ride, and the band members had changed three times, but the current group had gelled and rocked it. As the lead guitarist, he shared the bus with the bass guitarist, the drummer, and the lead singer. He didn’t know how bigger bands did it – agreeing to gigs, terms, songs, details, even where to eat every night was hard enough with four. But they managed, barely. If the tour had been any longer than six weeks, they would have risked killing each other. A little time apart was going to be healthy.
He picked up his bag and eyed all the mail on the tile floor just inside the door. He was away enough that he’d had a letter slot installed in the front door. The mail ended up in a big pile, but it saved having to arrange for someone to collect it when he was away. He moved it aside. Later, he thought, as he headed upstairs, he’d deal with all that, but for now he just wanted sleep.
He dropped his bag in his room and, on his way to the shower, shed his clothes. He caught his reflection in the mirror and idly thought that one advantage of a six-week tour was that it kept him in shape. The energy and adrenaline of a show every other night and the hit-and-miss of regular meals meant he burnt more calories than he packed on. He had set up a home gym but was pleased he wouldn’t have to struggle to get the six-pack back. He padded into the shower and, turning it on hot, stepped in. The full blast of the water felt good as he let himself relax.
It was good to be home. And to have a home to go to. The rest of the band thought he was crazy, but he’d bought a house in a suburban neighborhood eighteen months ago. There were a lot of young families and nosey, friendly elderly. But it was quiet. And apparently Shades’ music didn’t play in the circles of young families and nosey, friendly elderly because they left him alone. It was a big change from the screaming masses of fans, mostly female, mobbing the band at concerts and interrupting every public meal they ate, asking for autographs. But he was glad. They needed the fans and he loved every single one of them, but he needed space from them, too.
This house in this neighborhood seemed to be it, for now anyway. There were always little changes he noticed after he was away for a while, flowers added to flower beds, new paint colors, and new neighbors arriving with surprising regularity. The house beside his had been for sale when he’d left. Yawning, he wondered if it had been sold.
When he felt close to nodding off, he turned off the water. Barely drying off, he dropped into bed and tugged the blanket up to his chin. It’s good to be home, he thought as he drifted into a deep sleep.
Chapter 10
“Kalia, you look worn out,” Krista said. They were sitting together on the sofa enjoying a cup of tea while Mani napped. She brushed a thumb across Kalia’s cheek. “Those dark circles have become a permanent fixture.”
“Really?” Kalia asked. Now that Mani was two months old, it felt like he had developed a routine. He napped twice a day regularly, and she had learned to take some time for herself in the morning and to nap with him in the afternoon. He was still up twice a night to breastfeed, and getting up for the nighttime feeds was brutal, but he was a good baby and generally fed and went back to sleep.
Unfortunately, in the last two weeks he had become colicky and cried … no, it wasn’t really crying. Screaming like a banshee would be a better description, she thought with a wince. It only lasted for two hours, but it was a very, very long two hours. She felt a bit frantic about it, but at Mani’s check-up, Dr. MacMillan had assured her that Mani was the picture of health, and his weight gain was right on track. It’s a phase, she was told. Just ride it out. So, riding it out they were. But it was a rocky road.
“I think it would be good for you to get away for a bit. You know, you and I could go to one of those bed and breakfast places in Emerson. It’s under an hour away, and I’m sure your mom would take Mani for a weekend. You could just relax and sleep – get a full night’s sleep for a change. We could go out for dinner and spend some time together,” Krista said.
Kalia looked over. “I don’t think I could leave Mani. And I’m breastfeeding.”
“Pump. Lots of mothers do it. You could leave bottles of breast milk with your mom.”
“I don’t know, Krista.” She sipped her tea. “I wouldn’t want to mess up his schedule. The breastfeeding is going well, and it seems too early to introduce a bottle. I read somewhere that babies have trouble going from bottle to breast if they’re too young. And as much as it’s an inconvenience to be tethered for feedings, it’s so much easier than worrying about sterilizing bottles.”
“I’ve heard that’s a myth. That babies are smart enough to suck on a real nipple or a fake nipple, and you can interchange both.”
“Maybe. And Mani is a smart little guy.” Kalia smiled. “But I don’t want to leave him. I don’t think I could relax. I’d worry about him.”
“What about us, Kalia?” Krista asked quietly. “Don’t we deserve some time alone together?”
“Us?”
“Yes. Us.” Krista set her cup of tea on the nearby table. “I love you, Kalia. And I want to spend some time alone with you.”
“I love you too, Krista. You’re my best friend. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for being here with me these last two
months,” Kalia said solemnly. “I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it without you to lean on. You’re like the sister I never had.”
“Sister,” Krista repeated. She glanced away and then looked Kalia in the eye. “The feelings I have for you are stronger than that.” She brushed a wisp of hair from Kalia’s face. “I love you, Kalia.”
Krista took Kalia’s cup and set it on the table. Then she leaned in. Running her hand along Kalia’s jaw, she pressed her lips softly to Kalia’s. She paused, then swept her tongue along Kalia’s top lip, pressing closer.
Kalia pulled back and put her hand on Krista’s chest. “Stop. Wait.” She shook her head. “What? What?” she cried, each one slightly more panicked than the last.
“Sh-sh. It’s okay,” Krista said quickly, letting go and sitting back with a jerk. She sighed.
“Krista, look, I’m sorry–”
“No. Don’t say anything. I’m sorry,” Krista interrupted. “Just forget I said anything.”
Kalia hung her head. She couldn’t. And they shouldn’t. “Krista, we need to talk about this.”
Krista put her hand up and shook her head. Tears gathered in her eyes.
“Don’t, please don’t cry,” Kalia said, trying desperately to hold it together. “I’m so sorry,” she said, thinking back, trying to imagine if she had led Krista on. “I don’t … I’m not …” God, how do you say it? “Krista, I love you like a sister, but not … um … not like that,” she finished lamely.
“Like what?” Krista asked bitterly.
“Not like a lover. Krista, I’m not gay,” Kalia said.
“I am.”
Kalia sat back, shocked. “Krista, I’m sorry. I didn’t see it. I didn’t realize that this was what you wanted.” Had she been living under a rock? How could she have missed this? “You’re gay?” she asked. “Since when?”
“Since forever.”
“Sorry, that was probably rude. But, in high school? You dated guys then,” Kalia pointed out.
“I dated them, but it never felt right. I guess I finally acted on it in university, and I’ve been with women since then.”
“Really?”
Krista winced. “Really.”
Her heart ached. She hadn’t seen it. She hadn’t guessed. “How did you know?” she asked slowly.
Krista looked thoughtful. “I guess it just felt right. When the guys held me or touched me, I felt like cringing and backing away. But when it was a woman … it was different. I wanted more, and I wanted to hold them, touch them, spend time with them. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. I just knew.”
“I never really considered whether I prefer men or women. Just assumed, well … men.”
Krista looked over and smiled. “Making love with another woman is special. We know what feels good. Having the same parts and all.” She looked at Kalia speculatively. “Want to try again?”
Krista slid her hand around to Kalia’s back and slowly stroked. Her other hand slipped under Kalia’s top and mirrored the movement on the front. She pushed Kalia’s bra aside and touched her bare breast, tracing circles around her nipple. She leaned in and brushed her lips to Kalia’s, nipping and gently tugging as she stroked her skin.
Kalia slowly leaned back and pulled away. “Mmm, you’re good Krista. It felt good, but …”
“But …” Krista echoed.
“But, yeah, um, I’m not gay. Yeah, sorry, but no.”
“I’m sorry too, Kalia. I really wanted to be a family with you and Mani.” She leaned back and closed her eyes. “But I want someone to love me back. You know, really love me.”
“I’m not it, Krista.”
Krista opened her eyes and shook her head slowly. “No. No, you’re not it. And you know what else?”
“No. What?”
“I’ve realized I don’t really like kids. They are a royal pain in the ass. They don’t sleep. All they do is eat and poop. And they stink.” She shook her head. “And diaper changing? Gross beyond words. They tie you down and rule over you. I don’t think I’ll be a parent any time soon.”
Kalia laughed. “Okay. Good to know. I love the whole thing – the fact that this little human being needs me, and I can give him what he needs. I may not always be the best at it, but I love trying. I love having Mani.”
“It was the right decision for you. And I’m glad I was around to help, but I think it’s time I stepped out. Will you be all right?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. I’ll have to be.” She smiled sadly. “But I don’t want you out of my life completely. You’ll be nearby, won’t you?”
“Of course. Regular infrequent visits.” She squeezed Kalia’s hand. “I’ll miss you, Kalia. I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too, Krista,” Kalia said, giving Krista a hug.
“I’ll get my things together.”
Kalia nodded as tears threatened. It wasn’t fair to Krista to make this any harder. But … another loss. Another person she loved, leaving.
She couldn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t. And it wasn’t fair to Krista. As hard as it was, she had to let her go. It was a little bit frightening to think about coping on her own, but, sink or swim, she needed to start. It had been a godsend to have Krista all this time. For the comfort, the confidence building, and the day-to-day stuff. How did single moms cope with all that?
She sighed.
She was about to find out.
Chapter 11
Four hours later, Kalia seriously reconsidered Krista’s proposition. She rocked Mani as his little body contorted with another cramp, legs pumping, fists clenched, and tears running down his tiny face. Kalia tried changing his diaper, offered a breast, patted his back, rubbed his belly, walked, rocked, sang, and paced. He was inconsolable.
He’s healthy. It’s just colic. It’s just a phase, she reassured herself as she held him.
Are you sure? a little voice screamed in her head as Mani wailed and wailed again. He’s in pain. He’s seriously ill. I’m a terrible mother, she fretted. With Krista, they had taken turns and passed Mani off. Fifteen minutes with the screaming and fifteen minutes away. Oh Krista, please come back. I can’t do this.
Okay, I need to focus on something peaceful. She straightened her spine. She looked outside the back door and watched as the setting sun caught a neighbor’s glass sun catcher. She cradled Mani and walked out onto the porch. She took deep, easy breaths and focused on trying to relax. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Mani hiccupped as his cries subsided briefly, and then the wailing started again.
What is she doing to him? Mack listened to the sound of the crying baby out his window. It was relentless. A nails-on-the-chalkboard, nerve-racking, stress-level-raising, relentless scream of agony. Why wasn’t she doing something? He watched Gay Momma carry around Screaming Baby.
He hadn’t met the new neighbors next door and really wasn’t interested in ever meeting them, but the word on the street was that she was a Gay Momma. And the kid never stopped screaming. Every night like clockwork, from six until eight o’clock, Screaming Baby did his thing. Screamed. Two weeks of it. What was the matter with them? Holy fuck. Figure it out, Gay Momma. Make it stop.
Unable to take it any longer, Mack grabbed his guitar. Play loud, play long, and drown it out. He played the first thing that came to mind – a new riff he had in his head. He strummed it over and over, changing it a little each time. Refined the timing and the chords. Made it smoother, worked the transition. It was good. He liked how it grew and came together. Focused on his music, he lost track of time.
Kalia took deep breaths and crooned a song to Mani as she rubbed his back. She paced outside in the garden and silently apologized to the neighbors. As she moved around the garden, the guitar playing started. It was coming from the next-door neighbor. She hadn’t met him yet but knew he was a musician. She hadn’t realized he was back.
He was good, really good. She didn’t recognize the tune, but it was a great be
at with a spark. She started to dance around the backyard holding Mani. And Mani quieted. He hiccupped, and Kalia braced for it to start again. But it didn’t. Mani listened, and Kalia danced, and slowly Mani’s little body relaxed and his eyes drifted shut. Poor little thing. The crying racked his body and left him exhausted.
She stayed outside a little longer until the music stopped and then carefully carried Mani inside and took him upstairs to his crib. He’d be up again in a couple of hours for a feed, but she had a bit of time to straighten the kitchen and grab a shower.
Thank you for the music, neighbor. A heartfelt thank you from both of us. She stroked Mani’s cheek and covered him lightly with a blanket.
She sighed. One day down.
Chapter 12
Kalia pounded on her neighbor’s front door with her free hand. The other cradled a screaming Mani. In the last fifteen days, except for the past three, the neighbor had played his guitar from six until eight every night. And soothed Mani. It was the only thing that worked to calm the colic. No amount of rocking, walking, or singing worked to soothe the baby like fifteen minutes of guitar music. It was faintly amazing and fairly irritating that Kalia had to depend on the neighbor’s guitar playing.
He was home. She knew he was home. There was a new car in the driveway, and she could hear voices. So why wasn’t he answering the door? She pounded again.
The door swung open, and Kalia yelped at the suddenness of it. Mani screamed louder.
Mack frowned at them. “What?” he asked tersely.
Kalia groaned inwardly. It was the first time she had seen the neighbor close up. Six foot two, short dark hair with a sexy scruff, broad shoulders in a dark T-shirt, slim hips covered in worn sexy jeans, bare feet, and angry green eyes. Great. Just what she needed. A pissed-off lifeline. “Hi. I live next door. I need you to play guitar,” she said in a rush above Mani’s wailing.
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