Spyder slashed his way through the battle, picking up a fallen demon’s shield to defend himself as he went. Souls came apart when cut by Apollyon’s blade, but demons seemed to be burned by it, their eyes popping and their skin crisping as if heated from the inside. Lulu was pumping her shotgun to Spyder’s right. It didn’t seem to kill the demons, but it exploded heads, arms and torsos, leaving them nicely crippled.
Things suddenly went very quiet. Spyder lunged at a hyena-headed demon, but slashed empty air when the thing backed away and knelt down. Shrike and Lulu’s opponents mimicked the move. Spyder looked around and saw a slave-drawn chariot rolling slowly toward them. Behind it, Xero’s men were mopping up the remnants of the Hell army, most of whom were sprawled on the ground, slaughtered or twitching like broken toys.
The chariot stopped a few yards from Shrike. “My eyes and ears did not deceive me. It is you, Alizarin,” said the man in the golden helmet. “What a charming surprise. Say hello to your father. He makes a fine mule.” He reached down to a blank-eyed old man and petted his head the way you might pet a dog.
“I’ll kill you, Xero,” Shrike said.
“You can’t, child. I’m already dead.” Xero pulled his helmet off. Spyder was surprised by what he saw. After all of Shrike’s vitriol and the terrible dream they’d shared in the desert, he was expecting a brute. What he saw was a refined and strangely handsome face. It was long, with a wide forehead, bright eyes and the kind of nose his grandma would have called “noble.” Xero’s smile was wide and toothy, giving him an elegantly feral look. It was no mystery why a younger, more naïve Shrike would have fallen hard for the man.
“I’ll burn your soul from existence,” she said.
“Lucifer said the same thing and he hasn’t managed it. What makes you think you can?”
“I hate you more than the devil does.”
Xero laughed. “That, I believe,” he said. “I’ll make you a proposal. Stay here with me in Hell and I’ll release your father from his curse. I’m going to win this war soon. I already control the outlands and am slowly strangling Lucifer. When I take his throne, I’ll have more use for a bride than a broken-back nag,” he said, pulling Shrike’s father’s matted hair.
“I trusted you once and it destroyed my world. I won’t trust you again.”
“Please reconsider. For both your sakes. It’s a reasonable offer. When I have to make the offer again, the terms will diminish and they’ll diminish each time I ask you, until you agree.”
“I’ll cut my own throat first,” said Shrike.
“Perfect. Then you’ll end up right back here with me.”
Spyder saw it just before it happened. In Xero’s presence, Shrike was still that furious, irrational, deeply wronged teenage girl. And she was losing her shit completely, he thought. She shrieked and went right for Xero, her sword up in killing position. Xero brought his bow up and fired off a volley of arrows at her, but he didn’t really seem to be trying to kill her. He was laughing the whole time. Shrike spun and parried, splitting the arrows in the air. Spyder was already hacking his way through Xero’s army when one of the arrows slashed Shrike’s right arm. But she kept coming, even while Xero took aim right at her heart.
Spyder reached the chariot and lunged blindly, not knowing or caring where he hit. He jammed the black blade into Xero’s right thigh. The general groaned and backhanded Spyder off the chariot, harder than any human had ever hit him before. Spyder blacked out for a moment, but shook himself awake enough to see Xero pull out the knife as his leg was cooked black. Apollyon’s blade even burned his hand. He tossed it away, and his demon troops scattered from the knife as it fell. Spyder scrambled to retrieve it and was almost run down by Xero as he shifted his chariot to slip Shrike’s sword blow. Kicking his chariot forward, he took off fast across the blood- and machine-oil-splattered plain. His surviving troops followed behind on foot.
Spyder, still winded from Xero’s blow, staggered to where Shrike was on her knees. When he touched her, she was softly crying, and pushed Spyder away.
“I lost him,” she said between sobs. “My father was right here. I lost him and it’s my fault.”
“Xero played you,” said Spyder. “You weren’t ready for him. You will be next time.”
“I will,” she said. “Are you all right? I didn’t mean to push you.”
“It’s all right.”
Lulu dropped down on the ground nearby, breathing hard. Seeing her, Spyder had to laugh.
“I guess we can forget the element of surprise,” he said.
They were filthy, covered in sweat, demon blood and fluids Spyder didn’t want to think about.
“It takes a big man to get down on his knees and beg,” said Lulu.
“It’s why us sissies carry knee pads. Ashbliss, can you hear me?”
The little demon was suddenly standing on a nearby alkali mound, wringing his pudgy hands.
“You’re all so damp and exhausted. Am I too late for the rutting?”
FORTY-EIGHT
TREACHEROUS AND BORING
“Okay, little man, let’s make a deal,” said Spyder.
“Lovely,” said Ashbliss. “You know my terms.”
“We’ll cut you loose from Beelzebub, but first we need the book,” said Shrike.
“Nonsense. You have the knife. First my master, then your book.”
“We have the knife, but that might not be enough. To use the knife, we have to get close to your master and that might not be possible. If we have the book, we can use its magic to safely free you.”
“Or destroy me. I’m not sure I want to help you after all.”
“Ashbliss, don’t be that way,” said Spyder. “We’re not demons. We’re human. If we make a bargain, we keep it.”
“Humans are the most treacherous animals in existence! Everyone knows that!” Ashbliss shouted. “It’s not even fun going to Earth and corrupting you because you’re all halfway there.”
“How can we prove to you that we intend to honor our bargain?” asked Shrike.
“There is nothing you can say or do. I don’t trust you. Accept my bargain as stated or I’ll be on my way. I’m sure other talking meat will be along shortly, after your bones are used to fill potholes in the road to Gehenna.”
“All right, you got me, you clever boots,” said Spyder. “We were messing with you, but you foxed us. We’ll do it your way. First the boss, then the book.”
“Spyder, it’s too dangerous,” said Shrike.
“I’m open to suggestions. Xero knows we’re here. This runt knows we’re here. Some of Lucifer’s demons high-tailed it out of here during that fight, and they knew we’re here. We’ve got to do something and we’ve got to do it now.”
“He’s right, Shrike,” said Lulu. “I know you’re the smart one and the warrior and all, but we’re not gonna tunnel out of here with a spoon and positive thinking. We need the book, however we can get it.”
Shrike was silent a moment. “I know,” she said. “Give me the knife. I complicated things by losing my temper. I’ll kill Beelzebub.”
“You sure you’re up for this?” Spyder asked
Shrike nodded. “I told you I’d take care of you down here. I haven’t done a very good job so far. Let me do this.”
Spyder pulled Apollyon’s knife from his waist and gave it to Shrike, taking her hand for a moment after he handed her the blade. He looked at Ashbliss. “We’re not going to hump. Don’t even ask.”
“Treacherous and boring,” muttered the demon.
A fireball streaked at them from across the plains, turning away from them at the last possible moment. At the edge of the field, it turned and circled back, scorching a circle once around the group, enclosing them in a ring of fire. When the circle was complete, Spyder could see something in the flames. A man stepping down from a chariot.
“I couldn’t leave you all without saying goodbye,” said Xero. Great waves of heat cascaded off his body. He didn’t seem to be covered
with fire so much as made of it.
“Do you remember that I was the one who taught you your first magic, Alizarin? But I gave you so little considering how much I got in return. Your bed. Your kingdom. Your father’s soul. I even had that boy gutted. Your old partner, Ozymand,” said Xero. Shrike held the black blade before her. Xero approached, but carefully stayed beyond her reach. “Your friend there, the pretty fool, injured me when my back was turned. I should be resting, but I needed you to know that even wounded, I’m stronger than you.”
“I’m not afraid of you. And I’m no longer shocked,” said Shrike calmly. “You don’t have any power over me.”
“You misunderstand. I’m not here to hurt you, girl. I’m here to give you a gift. Once upon a time, I took your sight. Now I’m giving it back.” Xero puckered his lips and blew across his hand, as one might blow a kiss. A roiling fireball enveloped Shrike for a second. When it faded, Xero was gone and Shrike was on the ground. Spyder ran to her and saw, thankfully, that she was unburned by the magic flame. He and Lulu propped Shrike up between them as Ashbliss peered from behind a pile of demon corpses.
“Are you alive?” Ashbliss asked. “The bargain is off if you’re dead.”
“Shut up!” shouted Lulu.
Spyder was murmuring into Shrike’s ear and patting her cheek. “You’re all right. You’re all right. Wake up, Alizarin. Come back.”
She awoke with a start. Spyder felt her go rigid in his hands. She screamed once and went very quiet.
“Can you hear me?” Spyder asked. “Are you all right?”
Shrike’s hands went to her face. She pulled off her shades and looked at Spyder. The ruin of her eyes, the cracked-glass irises and spidery pupils were gone. Her eyes were greenish gray, perfect and open wide.
“I can see,” she whispered.
“I’m so sorry,” said Spyder.
“You’re sorry your woman can see?” said Ashbliss. “You mortals really are bastards.”
“I’m sorry because now she’s stuck here in Hell forever, like me,” said Spyder.
“I’ve already been stuck here for millions of years. Pardon me if I’m not more sympathetic.”
“Can you shut it for a minute?” Lulu said.
“Fine,” said Ashbliss. “In fact, you seem less and less like the champions I thought you were. I think I’m going to have to nullify our deal.”
Spyder snatched the black blade from Shrike’s hand and tackled Ashbliss, pinning the demon down with his legs.
“Are you mad?” Ashbliss cried. “My master will destroy you! Gigantic scorpions will suck the marrow from your bones! Beelzebub will fill your still-living carcass with molten lead!”
“No, he won’t,” said Spyder. “Because I’m going to kill him for you. And then you’re going to take me to the book, just like we agreed.” With the black blade, Spyder cut off one of the candles on Ashbliss’ scalp. The little demon screamed piteously as black blood flowed from the waxy stump. “If you don’t stick to our deal, I’m going to use this magic Ginsu to cut off your arms and legs and make you my doormat. And that’s just the warmup. I’ll devote the next million years to inventing brand new ways of making your existence pure misery.”
“No!” cried Ashbliss.
“With the most treacherous animal in existence, you do not fuck. Got me?”
“Yes! Yes!” screamed the demon.
“We’ve got a deal, right?”
Ashbliss nodded.
Spyder rolled off the demon and helped him to his feet. He held up the candle he’d sliced from Ashbliss’ head and when the demon reached for it, Spyder snatched it away.
“You can have this back in a minute,” he said.
Shrike was on her feet, but unsteady. She looked around Hell in childlike wonder.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen anything, I don’t even know how to make sense of it all,” she told him. She took a step toward Spyder and wobbled. “My balance feels funny. All the cues are wrong.”
“Sit down,” Spyder said. He and Lulu helped her to the ground, so she wouldn’t fall. “Listen to me. I’m going to Pandemonium with Ashbliss. I’m going to put his boss to sleep and then I’m going to go and find the book.”
“It’s too dangerous,” Shrike said.
“You can’t do it. You can’t even walk,” he said. “Lulu can’t go. Cut up like she is, she’ll attract too much attention. That leaves me.”
“I hate this plan,” Shrike said, and laid her head against Spyder’s chest. He hugged Shrike, then Lulu.
“You come back safe or I’ll find your ghost down here and kick your dumb, dead ass,” Lulu said.
“Take care of Shrike while I’m gone,” Spyder said.
“You got it.”
Spyder went back to Ashbliss and held out the demon’s candle to him. Sullenly, Ashbliss took it, and with a great deal of groaning and swearing, poured wax on the stump and stuck the candle back in place. The little flame popped back to life.
“I really am going to keep our bargain,” Spyder said.
“You had better. Now, get down and roll in the dirt like the pig you are.”
“What?”
“You’ll need a disguise to get into Pandemonium. You’re going as my slave. Get down and dirty yourself, meat.”
Reluctantly, Spyder did as he was told. When he’d rolled in as much filth as he thought necessary, Ashbliss took pains to inspect him, slapping more dirt onto Spyder’s face and especially his ass, “To give you an authentic sex slave patina,” he said.
“We done?” Spyder asked.
“Nearly. Get on your knees.”
“Don’t get carried away with the sex slave fantasies.”
“I need to chain your neck.”
“Where’re you going to get a chain out here?”
“Right here,” said Ashbliss. He squatted down and his face turned a deeper shade of red as he strained. A second later, a shockingly long length of silver chain slid from out of his round, pink ass.
“No goddam way.”
Ashbliss smiled. “If you want to call off our deal…”
“Put it on,” Spyder said, lowering his head.
As he and the demon started toward the city, Spyder heard Lulu singing Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools.”
FORTY-NINE
THE GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS
“So, are you any particular kind of demon?” asked Spyder.
“Why do you care?”
“Just making conversation. You’re a horny little bastard. I thought maybe you were some kind of incubus or succubus or something.”
“Lust is just my hobby. I’m simply a demon.”
“Before you fell, were you any special kind of angel? Seraphim, cherubim, throne, archangel?”
Spyder and Ashbliss were stepping over the remains of demons and damned souls as they crossed the carnage-strewn alkali plain. The place stank, a combination of rotting flowers and scorched engine oil. Ashbliss was leading Spyder by the chain wrapped around his neck.
“I was simply an angel,” said Ashbliss.
Spyder made a wounded sound. “Huh. That’s sort of bottom of the barrel, isn’t it? What are there, like nine ranks of angels? And you’re all the way down in the basement. Janitor of the universe.”
“We had to keep watch over the Earth. That’s how I learned what beasts you talking meat really are.”
“Is that how you ended up like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your demon form. Looks like you were dragged behind the ugly truck over rocky roads all the way down from Heaven. They wouldn’t have pulled that on one of the heavy angel ranks, a seraphim or a throne, would they?”
“I like my form.”
“Course. I mean, you’d have to. Not having any choice and all.”
“Hush,” said Ashbliss, and yanked the chain hard.
They came to a rough highway that curved gently into the distance toward the city. Along both sides of the road were h
undreds of crucifixes, stretching as far as the eye could see in both directions. Men and women, their skins stripped off, were secured to the crosses with nails through their wrists and wire around their chests. Their legs, which were free, high-kicked in unison, like some zombie movie chorus line. As he got closer, Spyder could see umbilicals running into their empty skulls. All their mouths were propped open with pockmarked mesh screens and tinny music flowed out. Polkas. African tribal dances. New Orleans jazz. Techno, and a dozen other styles Spyder couldn’t identify.
“You opening a theme park or something?”
“You looking for a job for eternity?”
“Seriously, what’s with all the urban renewal? Why’d you fill in the razor pits back there? And what the hell are you building over there?”
Spyder pointed into the distance at what looked like the boarded-up mine shaft in the distance, but it was not like any earthly mine. The entrance went up for miles, and each wooden plank across its face could have represented a whole forest. The metal beams that buttressed the planks could each have been melted down and have provided enough steel for a battleship.
“That was like that when we got here. They didn’t even bother finishing Hell before they cast us down here. It’s very rude, I think,” said Ashbliss. “As for the razor pits, they were fun, but never necessary. We had to clear the land for the project.”
“Which project would that be?”
“The only project. The only one Lucifer and the other master demons care about, at least.”
“And that is…?”
“Heaven,” said Ashbliss. “We’re building Heaven.”
“Interesting. I kind of thought there already was a Heaven. And they kicked your sorry asses out.”
“That’s God’s Heaven. This one is for us.”
“I get it. God looks down and sees your new and improved Heaven and slaps his forehead, realizing you fallen angels were right all along. Then—bang!—you win the argument.”
“You’re not as stupid as most of your kind. But you make up for it by talking to much.”
“Is that what that city is, beyond Pandemonium? Part of the new Heaven? Is that what Hell really is, one big hardhat zone?”
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