by Lacy Maran
Jed Jones aimed to barn storm Washington and reign in taxes. Then lasso back some money into his own filthy rich pockets. He was a man of many millions that were earned on the backs of the working poor, and he intended to keep every damn dime of it. But Daddy's inheritance couldn't do squat to save ol' Jed from a horde of hungry flesh eaters.
Still, for a man that trumpeted family values above all, serving your spouse up as prey was hypocrisy on a level only a politician could manage. Amidst the carnage, the Republican hopeful and his air headed Wife made a mad dash to their dressing room. But with the Zombies closing in quick, there wasn't enough time for both to reach safety. So instead of being the man of principle he campaigned on, Jed reverted into the same sleazy Washington insider his critics had torched him about.
Jed barely made it into the dressing room and slammed the door in his wife's face to save his own hide. Which left one hell of a meal for the horde. Sure Betty Sue Jones looked like a robot designed to win beauty pageants. And sure most had assumed she was just an airhead that waved and smile politely at whatever political flim flam came out of her husbands mouth. But the Zombies knew better.
There was a brain in that pretty little head of hers. One unblemished by intelligent thoughts. Reporters spent the entire campaign wanting to pick her brain and see what she had been thinking married to such a buffoon. But the social climber had reached the last rung on her ladder and was in for one hell of a fall.
Zombie Molly had to push her way through to even get scraps as the horde tore Betty Sue apart. It was a feast of flesh. Maybe evolution was wrong after all. It wasn't survival of the fittest. Rather survival of the sleaziest. And that sleazebag Jed listened from the comfort of the dressing room as the woman he pledged to love, honor, and cherish was ripped limb from limb.
Whatever comfort Jed thought he'd found was soon banished to the backside of his brain though as the Zombies finished their meal. For if Betty Sue was the appetizer, Jed would be the main course. Only a door lock came between Jed and his untimely end. And the Zombies had strength in numbers.
Jed looked around the room and realized there were no windows, no doors, no escape. And as the mob pressed against the door, it was only a matter of time before the wood cracked. So Jed turned to prayer. He was devout. He believed in the right to life. That a marriage was between a man and a woman. And that Darwin truly did have it wrong. But though he'd nailed all the talking points, he missed the most important points of the Good book. About sacrifice. About the greater good.
And as the Zombie horde broke through the door on their way to the King of conservative craniums, it occurred to Jed that the Lord wasn't about to look kindly on a man that put his own hide over his families.
For Molly, the meal was going to be especially tasty. She'd long suspected Jed of being a dishonorable douche bag even before he accused her of gotcha journalism. Jed was no fan of the press. They made him look bad with all their fact checking and accurate reporting. And there was no room for the truth during a political campaign.
But Molly was one to get to the heart of matters. And maybe the spleen too. Not to mention the kidney. With the door busted open, it was every Zombie for themselves in the feeding frenzy. There just wasn't enough flesh to go around. While a Democrats brain was soft and mushy from years of liberal wish washing, a Republicans brain was as stiff as a tough steak. But damn was it succulent.
In the end, the apocalypse turned out better than expected. The debate was postponed indefinitely. The mudslinging mercifully came to an end. And do nothing politicians finally made themselves useful as live bait. But with the politico's left for road kill, what were dozens of rabid Zombies to do for food? Maybe the third party candidate wasn't so useless after all.
The End.
Gourmet Erotica (Showtime For My Penis)
"You know, it would be pretty awesome if I could stick my penis in your vagina," Hunky McHunkerson said.
"Yeah, let's totally copulate with intense intercourse. The hotter the better," Sexy McChick replied.
"Did I mention I look like an underwear model with sixteen packed abs?" Hunky added.
"I should also point out I enjoy really big dicks. Do you have one for me?" Sexy asked.
"Oh yeah, this is going to be hotter than the time I had sex with that meter maid. Now let's moan uncontrollably."
"Oh yes. Somehow you're incredibly large penis has made it's way into my super wet vagina. And that thrusting is just exquisite."
"Look at that, I just found your clitoris. Yipee for me. And golly gee, there's your G spot too."
"Wow, this sex is super steamy. Not to mention tastefully done."
"We should totally cum simultaneously. That always happens in real life."
"Let's not end this too soon. Erotic sex is about more than ejaculation. It's about foreplay, gooey romanticism, and other fantastical things."
"Why don't I give you multiple orgasms as well? Fiction lovers will eat that up."
"Wow, this is the best fornication I've ever had. And I've been with firemen, soldiers, police officers, and every other female fetish."
"Time for the big finale. Wow, this is probably the sexiest thing that has ever happened in human history. And I used to date a contortionist."
"You truly satisfied my sexual appetite. But let's have another love making session right now with no recovery time, just for the hell of it."
"Have I mentioned how much I love coitus?"
Nothing Sacred Comedy
Introduction
Or
Trying to explain the wackiness to come
It began in a haze of cheap wine and late night infomercials. Or maybe it was while watching Monte the Hypnotist do his act at the County Fair. Either way, the brain storm came on like a monsoon. Every idea has its day, so we hope you give this book the respect it deserves--while you read it on the toilet. Actually, you know? This explains things better:
Authors Convinced They’re Funny
Los Angeles, CA--Local Writers and sometimes Antiquers Lacy Maran & Kevin Michael have deluded themselves into thinking they’re a barrel of laughs. “Hey, that monkey with the top hat joke was really funny,” Michael quips. “And what about that zinger about Mime’s?” Maran adds. “Who doesn’t love a joke that makes fun of French Clowns?” But despite a lack of conclusive evidence, Maran & Michael remain stubborn about their wise cracks. “If people haven’t been laughing with us all this time, then that means they’ve been laughing at us,” Maran continues. Michael chimes in: “Is it possible they’ve just been laughing at my hair piece all this time?”
Politics
Or
I’ve seen mud wrestlers cleaner than my local Congressman
Government Proposes New Don’t Get Sick Universal Health Care Plan
Washington, DC--With nearly forty million Americans uninsured and a hundred million more with minimal coverage, the US Government yesterday rolled out a new “don’t get sick” universal health care proposal. “Imagine how easy it will be to cover everyone if no one gets sick,” an Official noted. “And if people stop overcrowding doctors offices and emergency rooms, it’ll really keep costs low.” The Government plans to implement the policy immediately with a total reduction of cases of illness to reach zero by the end of the year. “You owe it to your immune system to do this,” the Official added. The Government is also expected to deliver a new “don’t get fat” obesity plan in Congress next week.
President Assures His Legacy By Putting His Face On New Eight Dollar Bill
Washington, DC--Afraid that his legacy would be marred by sagging poll numbers, policy pitfalls, and record debt, the President today took a bold step of assuring his place in history by announcing his face would be immortalized on another eight dollar bill. “It seems in times of economic crisis like these, we could all use a little extra cash, so with that I introduce to you the new eight dollar bill,” the President boasted. “Frankly I don’t see how we’ve lived without an ocho before now.”
The Presidents detractors view the move as a cheap ploy. “What the hell do we need an eight dollar bill for?” a Pundit observed. “We already have a two dollar bill we don’t use.” But the President would not be deterred. “I think the eight dollar bill will go down in history as the most significant economic move since the introduction of the stock market.” Future proposed legacy moves include adopting a highway in the Presidents name.
President requests Federal do-over
Washington, DC--Amidst a record low approval rating, the President yesterday sent a bill to Congress requesting a Federal do-over. "I think we can all admit things haven't gone exactly as planned," the President stated. "So I've decided the best course of action is to pretend the last four years didn't happen. Mulligan." The President went on to proclaim "from now on, I'm going to do everything right, starting with Afghanistan. So I ask you insurgents, can't we all get along?" Congress is to vote on the bill today.
Famed Environmentalist lectures about the perils of Global climate change from his gas guzzling private jet
30,000 feet above Bismarck, ND--Unaware of his own hypocrisy, the famed environmentalist and current climate change blowhard prepares slides for his next presentation on the perils of our planet from the comfort of his private jet. The Environmentalist is on a ten city cross country tour promoting green living, though why he isn't broadcasting from one of his many estates or uploading clips onto the world wide web instead of jet setting across the country is unclear. The Environmentalist will also reportedly be chauffered to his speaking engagements in an SUV, though his publicist informed us he owns a few hybrids back home. When asked to comment on the irony of the situation, the Environmentalist just smiled and said "our World is in danger, and we all have to do our part to save it."
Business
Or
My wallet is mad as hell and I’m stuck taking it all
“World’s Best Boss” Mug Lies
Tuscaloosa, AL--Middle Manager Frank Jenkins’ prized mug, touting his occupational excellence is nothing more than a bold-faced fraud. The porcelain mug, purchased on a last minute lark by entry level assistant Jenny Fontana to fulfill Secret Santa requirements, could not be less time in its declaration. “He’s a son of a bitch,” Fontana declares, referring to Jenkins. “A real A-hole.” Colleague Tim Naples concurs. “That dick weed made me work on Christmas Eve.” Fellow employees also cite Jenkins’ long lunches, early clock out times, his air of superiority, and firm commitment to take credit for the hardwork of others as further evidence of his managerial incompetency. Fontana, who to this day regrets ever buying Jenkins the mug, adds “I should have gone with the trash can basketball hoop.”
US Made Shoes Hit Market For Bargain Price Of $600 A Pair
Chicago, IL--Record crowds have been camping out overnight awaiting the release of new Freedom Flyer sneakers, Patriot Kicks Corporations attempt to inject interest in American made goods. The shoes, which are designed and manufactured entirely stateside with nothing but American materials and labor, retail for $600 a pair. “I know they’re a little costly, but that’s the price you pay for patriotism,” says John Baldwin, who has camped out for three days to be the first on his block with a pair. Baldwin adds “this’ll show China they aren’t the only game in town.” Trevor O’Connor, who’s also camped out for days, shares the sentiment. “I support my country. And if I have to take a second mortgage out on my house to do it, so be it.”
Contrary To Bosses Opinion, Worker Is Not Just A Worthless Piece Of Crap
Springfield, MI--Even though executive director Joe Deldotto swears by it and utters it every chance he gets, his much maligned assistant Adam Jacobson is in fact more than just a worthless piece of crap. “Worthless is too harsh,” colleague Fred Walter’s declares. “Lousy is more like it.” Fellow manager Steve Franklin adds “and piece of crap isn’t the right phrase. Try ‘good for nothing.’” Jacobson was quick to jump to his defense though. “Hey. I have a girlfriend, a nice place to live, and a half decent car. Besides, this is just a money job to me.” But Walters isn’t buying it. “Jacobson’s just talking out of his ass.” Franklin concurs. “What are you listening to Jacobson for? He’s just a lousy good for nothing.”
Job Seeker Loses Position Over Compromising Internet Photo
Indianapolis, IN--Eager job seeker Rob Jefferson had his employment hopes dashed when he was passed over for an entry level assistant position after a compromising photo of him was found on a social networking site. “Employers can look you up on the internet?” Jefferson inquires, shocked. “Who knew?” The photo in question, which features a naked Jefferson doing a keg stand flanked by two women in bikinis was displayed prominently on Jefferson’s social networking profile page. Jefferson, whose screen name is Beer Pong Champion 2 The Max, had also posted various other explicit photos of binge drinking, pot smoking, and women in various states of undress. But Jefferson believe those photos should factor into hiring practices. “What does beer swilling, bong hitting, and bagging babes have to do with being someone’s office lackey?” Jefferson inquires. “If anything, it just goes to show what an awesome multi-tasker I am.”
Flight Actually Takes Off On Time
Newark, NJ--Defying all laws of modern aviation, Flight 2536 to Tulsa actually departed on schedule. “Wait until my wife hears about this,” business traveler Lloyd Roberts, who waited two hours and had to be frisked and stripped at the security checkpoint remarked. “She’ll never believe me.” With increased security, decreased profit, and a piss poor record on punctuality, airline expectations have taken a massive hit. But with this timely take off, maybe air travel will once again live up to it’s friendly skies motto it once so cherished. “Don’t count on it,” passenger Jim Bryan declares. “My connecting flight to Santa Fe was delayed three hours.”
Canada celebrates economic prosperity with a round on the country
Ottawa, ON--After decades in the economic doldrums, Canadian businessmen are celebrating their dollars, or "loony's" prosperity achieving parity with the US dollar by buying a round of drinks for the country. "This is a looney day for the loony," one Stockbroker remarked, referring to the gold dollar coin with a loon pictured on it. "After all this time, we've finally pulled even with the Yanks. Bottoms up boys," he continued. But as the Canucks liquored up, American moneymen are selling the Canadians short. "I don't know why they're so excited," a US economist stated, "our money is still worth the same as their's. And it's not because Canadian business is doing so great, it's just because US business have been sucking so much." Another US economist continued. "Don't they realize, thirty million drinks are going to put the country in quite an economic deficit?"
Life
Or
What happens between “Brain Surgery With The Stars” episodes
Middle-Aged Man’s Hairpiece Is Not Fooling Anyone
Jacksonville, FL--Despite his best efforts to hide his follicly-challenged head, Norman Peterson’s atrocious hairpiece is not fooling anyone. “It looks like he has a dead animal on his head,” poker buddy Eric Kablonski remarks. “I don’t know how he can even look himself fin the mirror with that thing on.” The weave in question was introduced abruptly, coinciding with Peterson’s fiftieth birthday, but has attracted the universal disgust of everyone who lays eyes on it. “It’s car crash bad. I can’t help but stare,” neighbor Amy Tompkins notes. “I’m embarrassed for him.” But even with all the behind the back barbs, endless gawking, and choked-off chuckles, there are no plans to stage an intervention. “Someone needs to sit him down. It’s just not going to be me,” Kablonski remarks. “I mean come on, it’s like telling your kid Santa Clause isn’t real.”
Dieter Celebrates Weight Loss With Trip To All You Can Eat Buffet
Topeka, KS--Miles Johnson’s long hard fought journey from obese to slightly overweight took a turn for the celebratory with a feast at the neighborhood all you can eat buffet. “After all the carb counting, snack skipping, and scale staring, I think it�
�s time I cut loose,” Johnson declared, piling his plate high with steak, sweets, and a shake. The gastronomical overload was complete after multiple trips to the self serve soft service ice cream machine, followed by the unbuttoning of the top button of his pants. “I could eat like this everyday,” Johnson added, forgetting what triggered the need for a diet in the first place. “Screw it. Time for cake.” Johnson is scheduled to start a more intensive diet in the morning.
Chick Flick Rental Fails To Lead To Sex