by Lacy Maran
New Years
Or
The promises we have no intention of keeping
Woman’s First Sightseeing Trip To Times Square Ruined By Half A Million Drunk Partiers
New York, NY--The sightseeing trip Nebraskan Vicky Long had clamored years to take became memorable in ways she never expected when she arrived in Times Square to find a crowd of half a million drunk partiers. “Wow, I knew this place was popular, but this is ridiculous,” Long remarked. “This is busier than Harvest fest.” Long was apparently oblivious to the year end tradition of watching the ball drop, signaling the beginning of New Year. “Gosh, it was just like tailgating at a college football game,” Long added “but if I wanted a bunch of drunk guys hitting on me, I could have just stayed back in Nebraska.” Long then left just seconds before the ball dropped.
Woman Adopts Second New Years Resolution After Immediately Breaking First
Hartford, CN--Allison Morton’s makeshift resolution to give up sweets came shortly after breaking her well-touted previous resolution to give up smoking. “So I needed a smoke, bite me,” Morton declared, taking a drag. “If you had to deal with that two-timing deadbeat, you’d be lighting up too,” Morton continues, referring to her ex unexpectedly showing up to the party. Morton however was quick to point out that she made it thirty whole minutes on her smoking ban, crushing her previous best by twenty-six minutes. “It’s baby steps, alright?” Morton added, taking another drag. “Why don’t we appreciate the half an hour for the achievement it is?” Morton’s second resolution soon became her second casualty of the New Year though as she gorged on cake upon seeing her ex grind with some blond bimbo on the dance floor. No word yet on what Morton’s third resolution will be.
Lonely Geek Unable To Even Secure Pity Kiss For New Years
Oklahoma City, OK--Clark Garson’s yearlong quest to find a pair of lips to kiss came up empty handed last night as he was unable to scare up even a pity kiss for New Years Eve. “I knew I should have stayed home,” Garson remarks, deflated. “But my Mom just had to kick me out of the basement.” Miss Garson had in fact taken this rare empty nest opportunity to throw a celebration of her own, but that was no consolation to Clark. “This sucks. Everyone else had someone to kiss,” Garson complained. “This is just like high school. Well, at least I don’t have to do anyone’s homework.” But the experience had already done its damage, leaving a wound Clark planned to drown away with energy drinks and intense video gaming. “I’m going to slay some orcs.”
Wallflowers Attempt To Branch Out Becomes Viral Video Blooper
Fort Wayne, IN--Geraldine Montrose’s long awaited transition from introvert to extrovert had one major unexpected result--viral video infamy. “Everybody knows her now,” online buddy PrincessCouture7983 noted. “Of course its for all the wrong reasons.” Just moments after Montrose shocked party guests with a dance she liked to call “the Geraldine,” a camera phone video of the event was uploaded to the internet, where it became an instant sensation. “It’s so funny I almost peed my pants,” online viewer Ursula Walters added “I gotta watch it again.” Since that fateful night Montrose is more closed off than ever--literally. “She hasn’t left her room in days,” Geraldine’s Mother declared. “Not even for my homemade brownies.” Geraldine meanwhile is just waiting for the hype to die down. “This will all blow over soon, right?” Geraldine inquires, still in shock. “Damn, I knew I never should have had that appletini.”
‘New Year, Same Good For Nothing Husband’ Declares Fed Up Wife
Orlando, FL--It may be a New Year, but for one fed up Wife that’s all that has changed. “Gil’s the same old lazy ass,” Denise Olson remarks. “He’s always too busy watching the game to help out.” Denise’s repeated attempts to get Gil to empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, and mow the lawn have all fallen on deaf ears, she says. But Gil disagrees. “Hey, I took out the trash a few weeks ago. At least I think I did.” Meanwhile, Denise maintains low expectations for the calendar year. “Are you kidding? The only time he ever leaves his recliner is to go play cards with the boys,” Denise laments “for New Years all he did was drink until he passed out.”
‘Someone’s Gotta Take Down Those Christmas Lights,’ Father Ruminates Aloud
Syracuse, NY--Much to his chagrin, Father of three Steve Bartlett’s not so subtle hints are falling on deaf ears. “These lights aren’t going to take themselves down,” Bartlett remarks. “There’s ten bucks in it for whoever packs these babies up.” But Bartlett’s children are too busy texting, watching the tube, and generally pretending not to hear the bribe. “Fine, I’ll keep the ten bucks for myself. Maybe I’ll go buy some candy with it,” Bartlett continues, hoping to appeal to his children’s sweet tooth’s. But Bartlett gets no takers. Ultimately, Bartlett tries one final plea. “Alright, guess I’ll take back those Christmas presents.” The lights were packed half an hour later.
Retailers Rush Out Valentine’s Day Items In Last Minute Push
USA--In a frantic move to save Valentine’s Day from obscurity, retailers hastily put up heart shaped displays just in time. “This is insanity. How are we supposed to mount a four quadrant multimedia marketing campaign in only six weeks?” one Retailer bemoaned. “You know, in the end, it’s the public that suffers.” But Retailers attempts to rearrange the Holiday schedule to meet marketers needs have been met with sharp criticism. “Hey, we have to make a living too. Besides, there’s only one major holiday between V-Day and July 4th, if we were just given the proper time to exploit every holiday, I could finally get that second vacation home. So what do you say, lets move Valentine’s Day back to March. Cupid deserves it.”
New Diet Thwarted By Chocolate Chip Cookies
Palo Alto, CA--Irene Spencer’s hopes of a thinner waist and smaller dress size were quickly dashed as her half day old diet came to an abrupt end at the hands of her nemesis--fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. “Delicious,” Spencer declared. “They’re so worth it. It’s like my own slice of Heaven.” Spencer’s carefully planned diet of carb counting, calorie cutting, and cardio never stood a chance, but she’s optimistic for the future. “Hey, I polished off the rest of the cookies today,” Spencer added, “so I’ll have no reason not to go back to my diet tomorrow.” But Spencer has broken promises before, most notably last New Year when her resolution diet helped her take off ten pounds before putting twenty back on. “This time it’s different,” Spencer remarked. “I know I’ll keep the weight off now. Woo, is that cake?”
The End End. Nothing To See Here. Really, The Time To Parody Has Come And Passed. Take Thee To One Of Our Other Books. Scoodle Doo.
Other Books By Lacy Maran & Kevin Michael:
Lacy Maran 30 Book Boxed Set
Medium Rare
Zombies Eat Wall Street
Nova Roma
Dangerous Medicine: The Cancer Cure
Black Sheep Brother
The One That Got Away
Born Again
Banned: The Complete Series
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