by Abbi Glines
Sam only had me, and I needed to get tough because I couldn’t come crashing down too. The more I thought about college, I realized there would be no way I could go and leave Sam with Jessica. He’d never survive. School took a backseat to work. Formula and diapers cost a fortune. The thought of dropping out of school and getting my GED crossed my mind several nights when I came home to find Sam crying and hungry and Jessica in her room yelling for me to do something with him. My life was spiraling downhill, and it seemed the harder I worked at getting it under control, the worse it got.
I woke up with my head on the kitchen table and an empty bottle in my hand, and Sam crying in his bassinet beside me. I rubbed my eyes to get focused, glanced at the time, and realized I had overslept. I jumped up and fixed him another bottle and fed him. Twice I tried to get Jessica to get out of bed and help me, but she threw her pillow at me once and said she had a headache the second time. I managed to get myself dressed and gather my homework that I had scattered all over the coffee table while taking care of Sam all night. I changed Sam’s diaper and his clothes, and of course as on cue, he fell fast asleep. In a way, I was thankful that he slept so much during the day because, if he didn’t, I would worry about what Jessica would do to him. I had already witnessed her locking herself in another room away from his crying.
I went to tell Jessica bye, and she was sound asleep again. No point in waking her up. I headed out to my bike, and, suddenly, the world around me tilted. I stopped and leaned up against the house until the wave of dizziness passed, and then went and got on my bike. My stomach rolled as if I had eaten something bad. Sickness didn’t fit into my “to do” list. I didn’t have time for that. I had to get to school. I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main stoplight when everything started to go blurry around the corner of my vision. I turned onto Main Street and headed toward school as fast as I could. It was as if I were driving into a tunnel that grew smaller the world around me seemed to dim. Everything went black with the school in sight.
A sharp pain in my head woke me. I couldn’t open my eyes, so I reached up to feel something warm and wet in my hair. Something oozed from somewhere. My arm grew heavy, and I couldn’t control it. I let it fall, and my eyes still didn’t want to cooperate. Slowly, I drifted off to the darkness. I welcomed it because it reminded me of my dark blanket, and I wanted the pain to go away.
I floated through my memories. A painless journey. Jax’s face smiling at me filled me with happiness, and the tingling sensation from his nearness came as well. I saw Jax bent down in front of the little girl at the grocery store, and my heart fluttered as I remembered her face when he kissed her. Jax bent over his first guitar singing “Wanted Dead or Alive” made me want to laugh out loud, but for some reason I couldn’t. And then Jax was singing to me in the moonlight and holding me in his arms. More memories I had tried so very hard to repress rushed back to me, as well as many I wanted to laugh at, but I couldn’t make myself laugh. The heavy blanket made it impossible to move. So I laid there and enjoyed my memories without pain. And, just like before, the darkness came, and I floated into it.
* * * *
Music and a voice I recognized called to me. I tried so hard to move the heavy blanket so I could find him. I knew that voice. The music came from him. His voice sounded sad, but the words belonged to me. It was my song. I fought the blanket but it remained too heavy, and the darkness washed over me. The song faded away.
My head pounded and my arms tingled. I tried to wiggle my fingers, and it worked. I tried to move my foot, and it moved. The dark blanket had left me. I wanted to open my eyes, but the thought hurt my pounding head even more. I didn’t think I could open them just yet. For some reason, the darkness had given me a horrible headache. I remembered the oozing, warm liquid, and I wondered if it were still up there causing problems. I lifted my arm, but I only got it so far before it fell back down again. Someone moved beside me.
“Sadie?”
My breathing stopped, and I waited to see if I could hear that smooth voice say my name again.
“Sadie, can you hear me?”
I wanted to speak, but I wasn’t sure the words would come out right, so I stayed quiet. A warm hand slipped into mine, and my arm tingled in a familiar way. The hand must belong to Jax.
“Sadie, please if you can hear me, show me. I saw you move. You can do it again.”
It was Jax. His voice sounded worried and anxious. I moved my hand in his and tried to open my eyes. The light hurt, and I stopped trying.
“You can hear me. Okay, baby, listen, I am going to get the nurse.”
The nurse? What nurse? I didn’t want him to go. I squeezed my hand tightly, trying to hold onto him, and then I heard him chuckle, and, suddenly, the heaviness faded away, and I inhaled. My lips formed a smile this time, and his warm breath tickled my ear.
“I am not going to leave you. I swear it, but please let me get the nurse,” he whispered, and goosebumps rose on my arms. He laughed softly, and his hand left mine.
The room became silent, and the darkness started coming back. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to see Jax. I needed to see his face. But it came anyway, and once again I floated into it, unable to control its force.
A soft sound warmed my ears, and I fought to get to it. The closer I got, the clearer the words seemed. They were familiar, but I couldn’t seem to get close enough to understand. I fought the darkness and strained to hear the soft words that seemed to send warmth through my cold body. I squeezed my hand again to make sure I could still control it, and it was no longer empty. The words stopped, and I wanted to hear them again. I tried to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. I squeezed again and the warmth in my hands reminded me I wasn’t alone.
“Sadie? Can you hear me?”
I wanted to say yes, but instead I only managed to move my head.
“I’m not leaving this time, baby. I’m staying right here. Can you open your eyes for me?”
His voice sounded so anxious and worried I wanted to reassure him. But the light seemed too bright. I needed to tell him. I focused hard on the words, and then I remembered how to speak. “The lights,” I heard myself say in a raspy voice.
“I’ll turn them off. Hold on one second.” His hand left mine, and then I could see the darkness on the other side of my eyelids. His hand slipped back into mine, and he squeezed it.
“Please, open your eyes for me,” he begged, and I slowly opened them.
Everything blurred together in the darkness. I blinked slowly, and things began to come into view. I searched for Jax first and quickly found him right beside me. He looked exhausted. His eyes had black circles under them, and he needed to shave badly.
“Ah, there are my beautiful blue eyes,” he murmured with relief on his face.
“Hi.” I struggled to get out of my parched throat.
He grinned, and my heart fluttered as usual.
“Hello,” he said softly.
“Why are you here?” I asked, but I slipped my free hand up to my throat and that’s when I noticed I had tubes in my hand. I stared at him, confused, because now the fact he wanted to get the nurse made sense. I was in a hospital.
“I’m here because the reason I get up each morning, needs me as much as I need her, obviously.”
I closed my eyes, trying to understand what he meant.
“Please don’t close your eyes again,” he begged softly.
I opened them immediately. I didn’t understand his urgency and worry. And why he appeared so tired.
“Why am I here?” I asked, despite my mouth and throat being as dry as a desert.
He sighed and kissed the hand he held. “You exhausted yourself and passed out while riding your bike. You hit your head so hard it cracked your skull. You were not found right away.” He stopped and seemed to be struggling with his words. “By the time they got you here, you were unconscious, and they couldn’t tell me if you would ever come back to me.”
He struggled w
ith the last part, and I squeezed his hand as tight as I could. “I did.”
He smiled and laid his head against our joined hands for a moment. “I know you did, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t died a thousand times since Ms. Mary called me a week ago.”
A week ago! I had been unconscious a week. And then I remembered Sam. I started to sit up. Jessica couldn’t take care of Sam a week. He might be...I didn’t want to think about it. I just needed up.
“Whoa, what are you doing? You can’t get up. I still have to get the nurse in here.”
I shook my head, and it began to pound. “Sam.” I spit out through my panic. Jax firmly held me in the bed.
“Sam is with Ms. Mary and is just fine. He is even sleeping nights now.”
How did Sam end up at Ms. Mary’s? I stared at him, needing answers, but my dry throat had about reached its limit.
“Jessica is getting help. She is sick, Sadie. It is called postpartum depression, and she has a very bad case. She is at the best clinic money can buy, and when she comes back to you, she will be just like new. I swear it.”
I sunk back against the bed, and I realized my head hurt fiercely. I flinched.
“Hold on, I’m getting the nurse now. Do not close your eyes, please, keep them open.”
I nodded and watched him walk out to the hall where he yelled, “She’s awake.”
He immediately turned and came right back to my side. “The nurses and doctors will probably kick me out in a minute, but I am not going anywhere. I am going to stay outside at that door, and if you need me, I will be right there.”
I nodded, and my heart raced when he leaned down and his breath tickled my ear. “I’ll never be able to leave again. I’m not that strong.”
The doors opened and in came faces I had never seen before.
“How long has she been awake?” A large lady with dark brown hair, cut in a spiky style, asked as she rushed over to my side.
Jax winked at me. “Um, a few minutes.”
She shook her finger at him and said, “All right, pretty boy, that singing of yours must have done some good, but now I want you out of here. Her heart rate is all over the place. What were you doing to her, the girl has been in a coma.”
“I said not to use that word,” he interrupted her in a hard voice that surprised me.
She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry, I forgot. She has been ‘unconscious’ for a week. She doesn’t need you in here making her heart race.”
He seemed worried, and I wanted to send the lady away because she upset him.
“Will it hurt her? Is she going to stay awake?”
The lady smiled at me, and then turned back to Jax. “She’s going to be fine. Now go.”
He looked at me one more time, and then was pushed out of the room by another nurse coming in.
“Jeesh, I sure am glad you’re awake. That poor boy is about to drop from exhaustion. Although, I will admit, it was nice having our own little concert around here. We just kept your door open and listened while he sang to you. Sometimes he would spend hours just singing. I swear he sang that ‘Don’t Cry’ song a hundred times.”
I smiled at the thought of Jax singing to me.
“Yes, go ahead and grin. If I had a hot rock star singing to me and watching over me like a mother hen, I would smile, too,” she teased, and then reached for a glass of water. “Are you thirsty?”
I nodded, knowing my throat was too dry to speak. She sat my bed up and instructed me to take small sips. I did for a few minutes.
After I swallowed, I said, “My throat hurts.”
The nurse nodded. “You’ve had a tube down your throat for a while. After you woke up briefly last night, we took it out in case you woke up again and panicked during the night.”
I nodded and reached for the cup.
“Remember, slow sips,” she warned, and then continued to work over me. She examined my head and nodded. “You’re going to be just fine, Miss White. Before you know it, you will be up and going again. However, this time things should be easier for you. That smitten rock star out there seems to be taking care of everything.”
My heart swelled when I remembered Jax stood right outside my door.
“You have quite a few other guests that he didn’t allow in here for very long periods of time. I’m sure they will want to be contacted. You might have to encourage him to do that. I don’t know if he is going to want to share you right away.”
I nodded and smiled. “All right.”
She took her supplies and opened the door. Jax glanced in at me, and then back at her anxiously.
“She’s fine. She will be out of here in a few days.” Jax seemed to almost slump in relief. He walked back into the room and closed the door behind him.
“You okay?” he asked, and this time my throat worked much better.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I assured him, and he beamed at me.
He pulled his stool right up beside me again, and took my hand. “Sadie, I’m sorry. I left you here thinking I was doing what was best for you, and I knew you didn’t have a stable home life. I wanted to leave you a car and money and,” he laughed bitterly, “I wanted to leave you everything you could ever need. But I knew you wouldn’t take it and you would resent it. Leaving without knowing you were taken care of was so hard. But I convinced myself you would be better off without me. Ms. Mary promised to get you a good job with good pay and benefits. I wanted you to have a safe, comfortable senior year. I had no idea....”
I put my finger over his mouth. “Stop it. Nothing is your fault. You did what you had to do. Your world is different from mine, and I understand that.”
He kissed my finger, and I had to catch my breath. “I knew when I caved in and allowed myself to be with you, that your life was going to be turned upside down. My world was going to affect you, but I pushed those thoughts away, and I just lived in the moment. When I saw your face all over television, and I heard you being talked about like your personal life was nothing, I lost it. I wanted to hurt someone, and when I realized it was my fault, I wanted to hurt myself. So I hurt myself in the deepest way possible…by walking away from you.” He paused and held my hand against his face. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I was trying to save you from me, but it was a very bad plan, and I’m so sorry.”
I licked my very dry lips and smiled. “Thank you for being here, now. I fought the darkness so hard because I kept hearing something. It was music. I remember thinking the sound of it made me warm inside. I fought so hard to get close to it. Now I know it was you. If you hadn’t been here singing to me I don’t know if I would have fought at all.”
He closed his eyes for a minute, and pain flickered across his face. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about you and me. I know my life is not normal, and I can’t be the boy who sits behind you in class, no matter how appealing that sounds, but I can’t walk away again. I’m not that strong.” He moved closer to me and touched my face with his other hand. “If you still want me, I’m yours. Your life will never be normal. You will be put in a spotlight, although I am going to keep you as safe as possible. But here’s the thing, I didn’t get to go to high school. I missed out on all my experiences because I was on the road touring. I can’t do that to you. I need you to get every experience high school has to offer, and enjoy it...for me. I will come back to my summer house one week out of every month, and any other time I can squeeze in. I know my schedule is crazy right now with the tour, but I'm going to make this work. I swear.”
I lay there, trying to comprehend his words and knowing I would do anything to have him back in my life. I didn’t care anymore if my privacy was invaded, if I had him, it wouldn’t matter.
“What experiences are there for me in high school? I hate it.”
He smiled and traced my cheekbone with his finger. “Well, there are football games and dances and being picked on in the hallway. There is bad cafeteria food and field trips and, heck, I don’t know I missed it all. I just don’t want y
ou to turn back one day and wish you had lived through it. Because when you did, it would be my fault. I’m asking you to give up so much to be with me. I can’t take everything.”
I sighed. “But all those things I never do. I never go to football games, and I am not going to any dances. Sam needs me.”
Jax shook his head. “No, when Jessica gets home, Sam is going to have a mother, not a big sister, caring for him. I am in communication with her doctor, and he says she is much better, but she was in a very bad state.”
Relief washed through me. To know Jessica would be returning to her normal self sounded wonderful. Being a mom at seventeen had almost killed me, and I needed her to be one for Sam.
“I still have no desire to do those things.”
He grinned wickedly. “How about doing them for me?”
I sighed and closed my eyes, wishing he was asking anything of me but this. Finally, I opened my eyes and nodded. “Okay, for you.”
He broke into a huge grin, leaned forward, and kissed my lips softly. “Thank you,” he whispered before sitting back down.
“Ms. Mary is in the waiting room dying to see you, and so is...um…Marcus,” he finished reluctantly.
I smiled and squeezed his hand. “Marcus has been a wonderful friend through everything.”
Jax nodded. “Yeah, he made sure to threaten my life if I hurt you again. Then he gave me a very descriptive recap of what happened after I left.” Jax swallowed hard and looked away. “Because I owe him for being what I couldn’t be, I am allowing him in here.”
I smiled as Jax stood and turned for the door.
“However, if he so much as goes near your face with his lips, all bets are off.”