“Yes, but—”
“Then, you were seeing someone while seeing me. You did the same thing, even if you weren’t sleeping with him.”
Her eyes narrow and she angles away from me to pretend to watch TV. So much for a good quiet night in.
“I was just trying to get you to see a different side of it. I never said that it was right or that if I could have a do-over, I would do it again. Don’t get pissed. We’ve made mistakes. I thought we were over them.”
That gets her attention. “You forgive me?” When I frown, she adds, “You never actually said.”
“Babe.” I grab her hand and pull her into my lap. She’s been worried about it all this time? I cup her face and rest her forehead against mine. Her eyes close, but only briefly. “When I said I was ready to move past it, I forgave you. When I asked you to move in, I forgave you. Every time I call you babe or gorgeous, I forgive you. Every moment I get to spend with Savannah, I forgive you. I’m not going to bring it up and hold it against you in future arguments. Don’t worry about that anymore, okay?”
A few tears fall as she nods.
“How are you feeling about us? Do I need to change anything?” Sydney didn’t want there to be an us from where I hurt her and she was scared of us messing things up again. I’m obviously not a mind-reader and I’d like to know how she’s really feeling about everything. She seemed to think I’d act different as her boyfriend, and I told her if she needed me to be different to say the word because I’d change in a heartbeat for her.
“I don’t know.”
My heart sinks. That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “What do you mean?”
“When it comes to you, me, and Savannah, then I think we’re doing good. Better since you don’t seem to be so focused on what you missed.”
“But,” I say for her.
“I don’t think there’s been enough of this for me to have an answer.” She motions to our date night set-up. “I mean, until tonight, I was still wondering when you were going to truly forgive me. I don’t think there’s been as much us-time as what we had before, which is crazy considering I see you so much more now. So, anyway. Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about us. And I know that we’re trying to have a new normal, but…” Her voice trails off and she sits up straight, my hands falling to her thighs as she looks away. “I miss what we had.”
“The sex?” We can totally fix that in a heartbeat.
She rolls her eyes, but her gaze is heated. “Not just that.” Those are three words I’ll remember as soon as she’s done talking. “You used to tell me you loved me, too,” she whispers, looking down at her hands, which are now resting on top of mine.
Yeah, and she never said it back. Depending on her mood, she’d hang up on me if it was over the phone. If we were together, she might pretend I didn’t speak or she’d kiss me midway to shut me up. I did stop saying it once I found out about Savannah, and I’ve been hesitant about saying it now. I finally have her. Why am I going to say something that may push her over the ledge? Not to mention, there’s only so many times a man can tell a woman he loves her and have her ignore it.
“The moment you let me back into your life, I started trying to win you over. Every time I told you I loved you, you didn’t say anything. Ever. Not a fucking word. Your expression never changed. It was as if I didn’t say anything. Not doing that again, gorgeous. If you want to hear me say it, you’re going to have to say it first.”
Not surprisingly, she groans and leans down to rest her forehead on my shoulder. “We’re so fucked.”
I laugh. The groan, I expected. What she said, not so much. Damn, it isn’t funny, though. “See, you are capable of saying three-word sentences. Just say it. You can whisper it in my ear if you want. You’ve said it before; you can do it again. It’ll be better than last time too. Promise,” I finish, sounding more serious than I intended.
She’s quiet for so long that I don’t think she’s going to say it. It might be too soon. That’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. I wrap my arms around her, turn my head to kiss her forehead, and decide I can hold her for the rest of the night.
“How does it feel to know that you get to sleep every single night and that you never have to work that shift ever again?” Her last day was yesterday, or this morning, I guess. When she doesn’t say anything, I say, “Babe?”
“I love you,” she whispers. Sydney sits up, her brown eyes finding mine. “I love you, Ian.”
“I love you too,” I whisper back.
She leans in to kiss me. Just like always, it’s slow and tentative at first. The moment her tongue pushes its way into my mouth, I lock my hold onto her and stand. We’re done waiting. I carry her to our bedroom, her kissing getting more frantic the closer we get. Fuck, I’ve missed this. The anticipation of what is to come, of knowing we’re about to get as close as two people can be, and knowing that it is going to happen with the one person in this world I’ve always wanted it to be with.
Once we’re lying on the bed, me hovering over her on my knees with one arm holding me up, I reach for the hem of her shirt. Sydney’s hand shoots out to grab mine.
“You haven’t seen me,” she states.
“Which is why I want to now.”
“It’s not the same,” Sydney replies quietly.
“Doesn’t have to be.” I slip my hand underneath her shirt and start tracing my fingers in a random pattern. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve felt your body, gorgeous. I knew it wasn’t the same; just didn’t realize why. I haven’t cared either way. Lights stay on and you’re getting naked. Want me to go first?” Maybe it’ll help if she’s distracted by lust.
Sydney nods. I pull my shirt off, toss it to the side, roll over next to her, and shed the rest of my clothes. Her hands are on me in an instant and I position myself over her once more. I press my mouth to hers and kiss her hard and deep, stealing every breath she takes. This time, it’s me grinning and breaking the kiss because Sydney takes off her own shirt. That’s the last coherent thought I have because it’s all tongues, hands, and bodies moving in sync after that.
“I forgot you had to leave today,” Sydney complains. She slides her still-naked body over mine. I got maybe three hours worth of sleep because she’s been insatiable. “Is Logan taking Savannah to daycare?”
“Yeah.”
“So we have time?” Her hands slide down my chest as she uses it for leverage to sit up.
“A little.”
“Guess what I forgot to tell you yesterday?”
“What?”
“I signed her up. The next set of lessons start next week.”
I grin. Savannah is going to be so excited about learning how to skate. I’ll have to make sure to go down there at least one day. At the moment, with Sydney’s hands wrapping around my dick, I can’t exactly remember what the schedule will be. “Good. Thanks. You’re wasting a lot of time by talking, babe.”
“Good point.” She sinks onto me without wasting another second.
She makes quick work of making us orgasm, and then I’m having to pack for my trip since I was too busy to do it last night. I’m only gone for one game, but we’ll have a game here the day after. Back-to-back games are fucking awesome, especially when you have to travel in between.
“Woah,” Sydney comments from the bed. She got ready faster than I did and is scrolling through her phone.
“What is it?”
“You have nine away games next month, and you are basically gone for a little over a week.” Her frown deepens. “You’re going to miss Savannah’s birthday.”
“Shit, really?”
“Yeah. You’re in Minnesota that day. We can do her party the day after when you’re home. That way you’re here for it.”
That makes me feel better. I really don’t want to miss the first birthday I’m here for. Only calling or videochatting from somewhere else isn’t cutting it this year. I guess I need to start thinking of presents, too, and whether I should ask for Sydney�
��s help or attempt it on my own.
“So, the season ends in April?” she asks.
“Regular season, yes. But we could still be playing after that. It depends on if we can clinch a spot in the playoffs. We’ll talk hockey at some point and I’ll explain the game to you. Right now, I gotta go.” I lean over and kiss her quickly because we’ve talked longer than we should have and a proper goodbye isn’t coming. “See you later, gorgeous. I love you.”
Sydney grins. “I love you, too.”
It’s going to be a good road trip, if only because I’m leaving on a good note.
It may not be the best idea, but before I board, I text my mom.
Me: Hey. Just wanted to let you know that you have a granddaughter. She turns 3 on March 19th. If you want to know why you’re just now finding out, ask Dad. If you want to know more about her, I’ll call you after this trip.
Then, I turn my phone off and find Zane and EJ. We usually play cards when we’re on the plane. Sometimes, it’s nothing exciting, depending on what EJ brings. He might bring a regular deck of cards or it might be Uno. You never know.
Today, it’s Uno.
EJ is unusually quiet as we start to play, but Zane is the one who asks, “What’s wrong with you?”
EJ shrugs. “Ever feel like something bad is about to happen? I’ve had this gut feeling that something is about to happen for two days now and it’s starting to aggravate the hell out of me. I’m assuming it’s bad considering all the anxiety it’s giving me. I wish it’d just happen already.”
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Z tries, but EJ shakes his head.
“My gut is never wrong. One day, I woke up and had a feeling I shouldn’t go to school. Got in a wreck on the way there. There was another time where I had this feeling that something was going to happen. I ignored it and went on about my day. My car broke down on the interstate. Haven’t ignored it since. Something is going to happen; I’m telling you. It’s never taken this long, though.”
“Sounds like you’re paranoid,” I say.
“You fucking think? I know something is going to happen and it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know what it is, so yeah, I’m paranoid, waiting for it to happen. Let’s talk about something else. How’s your little girl?”
“Good. She starts skating lessons next week.”
“She wants to be a figure skater,” Z adds.
“For now at least.”
“That’s cool. My sister’s a figure skater,” EJ says.
“You have a sister?” Z asks. “How old is she?”
“Are you seriously asking about my sister like that? Aren’t you hooking up with someone?”
“Yeah, but we’re in an open relationship or whatever shit she calls it.”
I listen to them go back and forth while EJ tells him he isn’t going to know anything about his sister, who doesn’t even live in North Carolina, so there’s no point. The game of Uno goes on uninterrupted, though. My mind wanders, curious as to what message from my mom will be waiting for me when we land. Considering we don’t talk all that much, I don’t know what kind, if any, relationship she’ll want with Savannah. It won’t be a close relationship since she still lives in Florida.
Then again, that’s a good thing. My sisters are just like my mom and I think that has a lot to do with living with her when she left Dad. I don’t want Mom around Savannah too much if there’s a chance she could influence her. Does that make me a bad son? Either way, it makes me feel like a pretty damn good father.
“I’ve missed you guys so much.” I lean against Logan, who has Savannah in his lap. Carey is at the stove, finishing up dinner. I didn’t realize how much I did miss them until right now. The three of us haven’t had a chance to hang out since before I moved out.
“Whatever,” Logan mutters.
“Whatever, Mommy,” Savannah repeats.
“I have! What have y’all been up to without me?”
“Same as usual,” Carey answers. “Logan just whines more since he injured his leg. How is it over there?”
“Good. Weird when Ian is gone.” Which is one reason why I’m over here. I miss him more when I’m at the apartment alone or when I have to crawl into the bed, knowing I’ll be the only one in it. It’s been worse since we’ve gotten closer. I feel like we’re back to when we first met and couldn’t get enough. We talked constantly and if we weren’t talking, I was thinking about him, wishing we were. That’s where I am right now. Every waking moment, I want to be with Ian. Ha, every sleeping moment, I want him near. That obviously isn’t possible. We don’t talk nearly as much now as we did then, but things have changed as well. I have Savannah to take care of and he has work.
“Stop thinking about him already,” Carey snaps. She’s still not quite on Team Ian. Hell if I know why.
“Savannah, do you like your daddy?” Logan asks her all of a sudden.
She giggles. “Yeah.”
“Is he nice to you?”
“Yep.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yep.”
“Now, look at Aunt Carey and go like this.” He sticks his tongue out and Savannah quickly mocks him. “Just like him already,” he says to Carey. “He treats ‘em good and he loves ‘em. What more do you need, woman?”
Carey ignores him. “Let’s eat.”
I help her make plates for all of us and once we’re seated and eating, I ask, “What’s new with you two?”
“Logan brought his person over here the other night,” Carey says with a glare.
“Hey, you try leaving and going to someone else’s house and all with crutches. It was easier. Not to mention, she has two flights of stairs I would’ve had to go up. No thanks.”
“No thanks,” Savannah repeats. Is my child becoming a parrot? Or is she just enjoying her time around Logan too much?
At least it seems that nothing has changed around here. Everything else in my life has changed, but it’s for the better. What I do worry about is that Ian isn’t planning to talk to his father in the foreseeable future. I totally get that it’s his decision, but it just seems like if he can forgive me, then he should at least talk to his father. Ian isn’t having any of that on the rare occasion we talk about it. At least it’ll keep things from being awkward at Savannah’s birthday party, since he obviously won’t be there.
“Did you apply for the master’s program yet?” Carey asks.
“Oh, about that.”
“Don’t even say it.”
“Then I won’t.” I cut into my pork chop and take a bite. Carey shakes her head in disbelief. “Will you stop being so negative? You know I was a little wishy-washy before Ian came back into the picture. This will be good for me and Savannah. I’ll have a job sooner, so when he leaves me high and dry like you think he will, I won’t be broke. You should be happy about my decision.”
I don’t know how it happened, but it’s like I ended up with a Negative Nancy for one friend and an Optimistic Owen for the other. It’s helpful when I want a list of pros and cons, but not so much when she’s overwhelmingly negative about something. Like Ian. She should know by now that I’m a lost cause when it comes to him. She should give up.
Carey frowns, and thankfully, doesn’t say anything.
“Lo-Lo, here.” Savannah holds up a green bean for him to eat.
“Now, Savannah. You know green beans are good for you and they taste good. Why do you want me to eat them? Besides, don’t you see that Lo-Lo has his own to eat?”
“I don’t wanna.”
“Why not?” He takes a bite of half and hums like it’s the best thing he’s ever eaten. “So good, Savannah.” She stares at it for a bit, not buying it. “Dip it in the A1 and see how it tastes.”
Savannah loves A1 sauce. It’s her favorite and she tries to eat it with everything. That’s just the incentive she needs. She dips it into her puddle of sauce and says it’s yummy. Gross! She eats every single one of her green beans that way.
“You’ll be a good
dad one day,” I tell Logan. He’s always been so good with her, even more so as she’s gotten older. He likes her more now than he did when she was a baby. Not to say he didn’t like playing with her then, but he wasn’t changing a diaper unless he was the only option.
Logan laughs. “Let’s hope it’s not for a long time. I like being just Uncle Lo-Lo for now.”
Carey’s phone rings. She pulls it from her pocket and walks away from the table without saying a word. That’s odd. She never leaves the room to talk on the phone.
“What’s that about?” I ask Logan.
“New boyfriend, I think. Not sure why she’s secretive about him, but she is. You might as well head home. She won’t be back anytime soon.”
“Come sleep over, Lo-Lo,” Savannah begs. Logan looks at me, which means he wants to come. Otherwise, he would’ve told her no. I shrug.
“Can we watch The Little Mermaid?” he asks.
“Yes!”
“Okay. Finish eating what’s on your plate while I pack.”
“You can ride with us. I’ll drop you off in the morning when I take her to daycare,” I say and he nods before heading down the hallway. While he’s packing, I start cleaning up a little. Savannah only had three pieces of pork chop left, so it doesn’t take long before they’re gone. By the time I’m done, Logan is coming down the hallway with a backpack on his back.
“Let’s ride.”
Back home, after Savannah has changed for bed, the three of us sit on the couch to watch Savannah’s favorite movie. Logan sings every song as if he’s in the damn movie, but my kid eats it up. She falls asleep at some point. Once it’s over, Logan changes and I make them a makeshift bed on the floor because when Savannah has a sleepover, she wants everyone to sleep in the same room. Lucky for me, she’s only expecting Logan to sleep in here tonight.
When he comes back, he sits down and pats the space next to him.
“So,” he starts, throwing an arm around my shoulder. “How is my sister really doing?” Logan stopped calling me his stepsister what feels like forever ago. It always makes me feel a little guilty whenever I refer to him as my stepbrother, even though I see him as a true brother. That’s what happens when I feel the need to be correct at all times.
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