by Moira Burke
*
You stay in the girls’ dunnies all day smoking and hiding when somebody comes in except if you know them. You worry that you’ll get sprung and you light a fire out of dunny paper in the sanitary disposal unit and worry that you might be pregnant you got your first period two months before so you know it’s possible. Linda reckons that you can be pregnant and still get your period that happened to her aunty’s friend but you know inside you that you’re not but it’s good to have a secret thought a secret thinking that yes, you really are pregnant, pregnant with Fabio’s baby. You might get married you don’t want to get married you’d get in really big trouble if you were pregnant you’d have an abortion if you were. In Sydney. You could go to Sydney on the train Fab’d give you some money he’d probably even come, the two of you could go to Sydney and you could live up there together for a while you could get a job no worries and a place to live it’d be better up in Sydney things’d be much better.
*
All dressed up in your best clothes it’s muggy you’re sweating you’re on the way to visit your dad he’s in rehabilitation because he didn’t die. It’s this place called Heatherton Hospital it’s miles away you didn’t want to come but your mum said you should he’s been asking for you. He’s been in there for ages the only other time you visited him was that first night then he changed hospitals now he’s here he’s supposed to stay here for six months. You get there it’s a really ugly building squat and flat the sun showing everything up bare. You walk down this corridor that’s all windows you’re reflected and jerky in the warped glass making you bob and weave all over the place, all of you, your mum and three of your sisters, Helen didn’t come she’s lucky she’s older she doesn’t have to. There’s the real you the reflected you and the reflections of the reflections of you all, you’re all walking down this corridor to go visit your dad. You get shown by a nurse to his room a small room with two single beds in it and a chest of drawers, the walls are light green. Your face is on the chest of drawers, your face, Helen’s face, Rosie’s face, the faces of Maureen and Theresa and then there’s your mum, all your faces crowded together in picture frames on the top of this chest of drawers in this little room with two single beds in this ugly building this hospital where your dad is recuperating. Then, there he is. In the room looking at you all his clothes are baggy he looks so old he’s got stubble you don’t want to kiss him but you have to everybody does you all take turns you want to just piss off but you feel really sorry for him as well so you don’t, you stay. He doesn’t smell except of Old Spice and his hair’s neatly combed over his head his nose is still fat. You’ve all kissed him now you’re out in the corridor he’s sitting in an armchair the light’s coming in at sharp angles you’re glad you’re here, not a lot because you hate him but you miss him too and you don’t even feel scared of him and you stand by the side of his chair close to him. Then he says where’s Josephine why didn’t Josephine come? and you can’t believe it. You go it’s me dad I’m here your voice comes from somewhere else you can’t hear what you say you just see his eyes searching until they can see you here I am. Your mum says John she’s right here and Rosie just giggles. He says something else you see his loose mouth flopping, you kissed him he hugged you he doesn’t even know who you are.
It gets very boring very quickly standing there in the corridor so you and Rosie go outside, it’s all short dry grass with dirt showing through and prickles you take your best cardigan off and sit on it. Rosie brought her smokes so you have one you’re behind a lavender patch the smell of it going through you giving you a headache you stay there letting it hurt your head. Out of the corner of your eye you see this black thing moving on one of the lavender leaves. You look quickly but it’s gone, then there’s another one so you look there but that one’s gone too, you hate spiders you hope nothing gets on you, you stand up just in case.
When you get back inside your dad is still sitting in the armchair but now he’s got his overnight bag stuffed and next to him. He’s decided he’s had enough, he’s coming home.
*
Bluestone and concrete red brick walls and grey corrugation, head bent back and a mouth on your lips tasting like beer. Come on he says, come on. You kiss him for a little bit and then you say get off, he just goes come on so you kiss him a bit more but you don’t like it so you say leave me alone. Aren’t I good enough for ya huh? he says. What’s the matter? everybody else is. Things in the shadows strange things creeping out of bricks you push him he doesn’t move he says again, come on. You say come off it Marty leave me alone his face close his overgrown bum-fluff tickling, he’s Fabio’s best mate. He puts his hand on your fly pushing, pulling, his other arm holding your shoulders all around he’s taller than you, beer smell and denim, you can’t get out of his grip keep your mouth closed he’s not going to touch you no way the zipping sound and ripping, cold fingers, your feet slipping, cold and hardness under your back, get off me.
Skating’s finished everybody’s at the station in a big bunch and hardly anybody talks to you and Fabio didn’t take you around the rink he didn’t even look at you and when you went up to talk to him he wasn’t there any more you hate him and everything stays inside you. You’ve got on Linda’s kangaroo-skin moccasins you look at the stitching and wonder who skinned the ’roo and there’s a wind there’s always a wind before a train comes. You walk to the edge of the platform the sky makes you dizzy looking at it, it spins around then back again. The train tracks are all shiny the bits of wood and the rocks underneath and you see yourself jump on them and the train smash your bones and then you’re at your funeral and you see everybody there. Mum. Dad. Your best friend Linda Valero. Fabio. And they’re crying all of them crying for you. You step back over the white line and the train whoooshes past making you shut your eyes and your hair go everywhere.
chapter two
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MR ABELA is standing spread-eagled in his front window it’s eight-thirty in the morning and he’s got no clothes on he’s stretched right across from corner to corner he makes an X shape. You keep walking. He just stays there. You know he’s seen you because you caught his eye and smiled before you knew it, before you’d seen the rest of him, because you like Mr Abela you like all the Abelas they’re really nice they live at the top of the street. He kind of smiled back at you then you saw the rest of him and you did a double take you can’t believe it you just keep walking with your head down you’re so embarrassed then you look back because you just have to and he’s still there still looking at you in the nude. You get around the corner you’re just going oh my god, oh my god. You’ve always liked walking to school up the hill on the morning-time by yourself you don’t have to talk you can just walk and look at things, flowers and the footpath and all the different fences and you always get to school a bit early so you can have a smoke in the dunnies first thing but now you start taking the other way, up to the other end of the street and around the back, it takes too long but you don’t want to walk past the Abelas’ any more.
You don’t tell anybody about what you saw for about a week but then you can’t keep it in any more so you tell Helen and she says you have to tell this to mum and she’s really serious, so you do. When you’re telling your mum you can’t really look at her because you’re a bit embarrassed even though it’s not your fault and he shouldn’t have been there like that should he? you’ve seen him in the mornings before but he’s always been dressed he’s always been really nice he says hello off to school hey? he knows that you go past there every morning. Your mum is really shocked you can tell. She kind of takes her breath in and says that’s terrible Josie love why didn’t you tell me when it happened? and you go I don’t know and then you say I couldn’t. Your mum goes straight up to the Abelas’ to say something to him if he’s there. She comes back and says well no he wasn’t there I spoke to Mrs Abela, Josie love are you sure that’s what happened? and you go yes mum and your mum says it was a bit awkward really she did
n’t believe me. You don’t say anything and then you say sorry. Your mum looks at you straight and says he’s the one who should be sorry and then all these things just come out of your mouth he was really there mum, he was, I just couldn’t believe it I had to look back he was stretched right across mum he was smiling and he just stayed there what was he doing he had no clothes on it was eight-thirty in the morning and your mum gets that look in her eye like she’s about to burst into laughter or about to really lose her temper and she bursts into laughter and you can’t believe it and she gives you a hug and says still laughing oh love, I’m sorry.
Your mum and dad are sitting on the moon, the curve of the crescent like a shield, they’re holding hands tightly smiling great big smiles and glowing, their see-through shadows and that of the moon just behind them on the backdrop of stars. Your mum and dad are standing happy in front of a picket fence, your dad’s muscles showing through his T-shirt, your mum’s skirt is pleated her hair is set and glossy they’re holding a wee baby and they’re hugging. Your dad is on top of a grassy sand dune in Mr Universe pose big muscles on his arms and chest and legs he’s wearing a pair of 1950s men’s bathers, you can see his belly button and the line of hair that meets it growing up from his shorts, you feel a bit rude or something looking at him like that but you keep looking even though you’re supposed to be dusting your mum said it’s time for a spring clean. You hate housework. There used to be a photo of your dad lined up with all the other prison officers at Pentridge, you don’t really remember when it got taken down you’ve just realised that it’s not there any more. Water’s splashing on the windows Maureen and Theresa are outside they’re supposed to be washing them, your mum’s doing the venetians the whole place looks bigger your father’s out the sun’s on the carpet all the doors are open. You say to your mum mum, where’s that photo? and she says what photo Josie? You go you know, that one of dad lined up in his uniform, he’s got his arms folded. She says oh, it’s probably in the box. You wait a bit and then you say how come he doesn’t work? Your mum says Josie and you say well, you do, she says that’s different and you say how? She says Josie sometimes things are very hard for your dad. You say is that why he had the heart attack that time? She says your dad never had a heart attack and you say but wasn’t he in hospital once, I mean before, you know…She says I didn’t think you’d remember that, you say I was eight mum and she says yes, you were and runs the dirty purple cloth along the blinds bending and cracking. Then you say what happened, was he sick? She says he needed a rest love and you say why? she says Josie and you go I’m only asking. She wrings the cloth out into the bucket one side of her face lit up by the sun and she says do you remember Big Gordy? A man is in your mind then, in the loungeroom a tall man he’s holding a brown paper package you get to sit on his knee. You say is he the man who used to bring the licorice for us? and she says that’s right he did too, and she’s looking at you differently now like she’s measuring something out and then she says he was working at the prison with your dad, something happened and he got shot. You go killed? She says yes. You go god, she says one of the prisoners escaped he was on the roof, you go god and she says it was terrible for your dad, you say nothing and she says and then the prisoner got hanged. You go hanged? She says yes, you say shit, she says don’t swear, you say sorry I mean, god, I thought they stopped hanging people after Ned Kelly and she says no Ronald Ryan was the last. You say and dad was there? and your mum goes mmmhmm and you go god.
You keep dusting you try to fit the years together in your mind but nothing adds up. If that happened in 1967 you were only three which means that he went into hospital five years later and now you’re fourteen so that was six years ago so that’s eleven years altogether and he went into hospital for the first time seriously just last year even though it feels longer than that, the years tumble around in your head and everything’s on top of everything else.
Your hair’s really long and curly cut in layers kind of browny with red bits shining through in the sun you’ve been growing it for ages it feels good on your back on your shoulders everybody always tells you how nice your hair is. You’re sick of it. You go to the hairdresser’s Linda reckons you’re mad but she still comes with you. She says why do you want to get your hair cut? you say I just do. You’re dressed up in your new Eastcoast jeans and your aqua-coloured angora-blend jumper with little beads on it that you got from K-mart but you can’t tell, and you put on some kohl too. You go to a really good hairdresser’s, Queens in Lygon Street that you read about in Helen’s Mode. Everything is dark inside with mirrors and black wooden chairs all the hairdressers are tall and dressed like the magazines you wish you had better clothes. This guy comes over he’s really tall he’s got long black curly hair he’s wearing a purple silk shirt tucked into black leather pants, boots with heels and hair on his chest. He looks at you in the mirror and says I’m Rocky, you go I’m Josephine, he says who? you say Josie, he says Josie and picks up your hair. Hmmm, what shall we do? he says. Umm, I’d like it short you say. Short, he says. And kind of in at the back you add. Kind of in at the back he says, dropping the hair he’s holding. Vanessa he calls and over she comes, big lips black leather and stilettos, you follow her to the black basin the seat slips forward as your neck cranes back she runs hot water over your head spraying into your eyes, she shampoos you her fingers over your scalp strong and rubbing hard. She wraps your head in a black towel you’ve never seen black towels before your eyes pulled tight, water trickling down the back of your neck and you go and sit in front of the mirror again watching yourself wondering if you’re pretty waiting for Rocky, Linda’s sitting in a black cane chair by the window looking at Vogue. He finally comes over and takes the towel off your head. Such a lot of hair he says and you don’t know what to say you just blush. How short would you like to go? he asks and you go umm, about here pointing to your neck but kind of in at the back. Ye-es he says and goes and gets a black comb and a pair of little silver scissors. He starts cutting and your hair becomes a pool of millipedes on the floor below, masses of little dark curls swirling and you look into the mirror to see if you’re changing.
After he finishes cutting he spends ages blow-waving then he gets a mirror and shows you what you look like from all angles. It’s much longer than you wanted you’ve got a part down the centre and all the blow-waving did was give you two sausages and it doesn’t go in at the back, you wanted to look like somebody else but you still look like yourself but much worse, you don’t know what to say you’re nearly crying. Short enough for you? says Rocky and you just nod. You pay with the money that you’ve saved up and you leave with Linda and as soon as you’re on the street you say what am I going to do? Linda says what? you go it’s horrible, she goes no it’s not, you look like Olivia Newton-John, you start to cry a bit but you hold back, kohl runs really easily you don’t want to look any worse, you’ll never look the way you want to.
You’re getting in trouble from your dad and you don’t even know why. Everything was all right today and you opened the door to the loungeroom to say hello to him when you got home from school and you didn’t mind when he told you to go to the shop for him to get a family-sized block of Cadbury’s peppermint chocolate. When you got back you gave it to him and said I’m just going up to Linda’s, dad. He says come here so you take a step forward. Where are you going? he says. Just up to Linda’s you say. He says what have you been up to lately? You go oh, just school and stuff and he says what else? You say nothing dad. He says what are you doing at school? You say Maths and English and P.E. I’m on the softball team we went to Sandringham yesterday to play them. He says did you win? and you tell him yes. He nods and smiles and says good good then looks at you his eyes have gone little, and what else have you been up to? You go nothing and he says tell me the truth, you go I haven’t been doing anything and he says don’t lie I can tell by the way you walk, miss, what you’ve been up to and you go what? He says and look at your clothes, you say I’m wearing my unifo
rm, he says don’t backchat, you say I’m not backchatting. He says listen biddy just you pull your socks up right, you might be able to fool your mother but you can’t fool me. You go I haven’t done anything and he yells at you I know what you’ve been doing! The force of his voice shocks through you and pushes you out of the loungeroom through the front door slamming, down the garden path that’s bent like an elbow cracked like a fracture, you follow it all the way and find yourself at Linda’s.
Linda’s place is really different from yours. Everything’s really neat the lawn is a lawn and not just grass and the rose bushes grow lots of roses. They’ve got a carport as well as a garage and in the backyard there’s a vegie patch where Mr Valero goes after he comes home from Ford. The good armchairs that aren’t for sitting on are covered in plastic and there aren’t very many ornaments just some photos of Mrs Valero’s mum and dad in England. Mrs Valero’s not Italian she’s English, and one of Linda and her brother and sister in their school uniforms, there’s a cabinet that’s full of trophies, soccer basketball netball football cricket, Linda’s brother is really good at sport he’s captain of everything. Linda’s really good at sport too and a couple of the trophies are very old they’re real silver they’re Mr Valero’s from when he used to play soccer in Italy, but aside from these things and a coffee table and a knitting basket that belongs to old Mrs Valero Mr Valero’s mum, the television and the settee, there’s nothing else, no books, no pictures, no knick-knacks. All the walls are painted a creamy colour and the carpet is just plain grey. You don’t come in through the front door you have to go round the back, there’s parts of Linda’s house that you’ve never even seen but you know where everything is because it’s the same layout as your Aunty Edna’s house. Aunty Edna’s not really your aunty but you call her that anyway because she’s Irish she’s from Dublin she’s married to Uncle Les who’s Australian she’s a really good friend of your mum’s you’ve known her since you were born and she just lives around the corner from your house.