by Moira Burke
You stand up and look in the wardrobe mirror and think to yourself that you should have been born a boy your shoulders are that broad. It’s probably from playing sport even though you don’t play anything any more, you didn’t make the State side for lacrosse that time because you got really out of it the night before and couldn’t get up in time for training but you didn’t care, you wanted to quit the team anyway and you stopped playing netball ages ago, maybe your shoulders will slim down a bit. Looking at yourself you’re tight inside, you make faces in the mirror and shape your body into different poses trying to see what other people see, wondering what it is they do see when they look at you, if they can tell what’s going on inside just by looking. You count how many steps it takes to cross the room. Seventeen steps long, twelve across, two hundred and four square steps of flat space. That’s what you’ve got. That’s all you’ve got. A rectangle of floorboards that belongs to you, seventeen steps long and twelve steps wide. The sliding door of the built-in wardrobe is half-open, a fury in you sudden and flashing pushes it back hard and you pull out all your clothes from the dimness inside. They need to be rearranged, from anyhow to ordered, all in colours red orange yellow green purple, you grade them from light to dark you’re making it neat, you’re making it tidy, you’re making it the way it should be. Then you line up your shoes you’ve only got six pairs no wonder they never match anything, no wonder you can’t look the way you want, you line them up from the highest heel to the lowest and when it’s all lined up properly the clothes and the shoes and the colours in the half-dark of the wardrobe you slide the door fast across and close it all up. On the dressing-table you put your make-up into neat rows. Foundation, three different ones, one for day one for night one for shading areas of your face. Your eyeshadows, you put them in rainbow formation like your clothes, two rows of colours across the dressing-table surface, then your blushers from pink through to brown. Then your seven lipsticks. Then your eyeliners, black kohl charcoal kohl grey pencil dark brown light brown and your lip-liners too. Mascaras next, four of them, blue brown black and extra thick, all of these things to colour yourself in to the way you feel, your brushes from the fat soft powder brush to the really fine eyeliner one, your pencil sharpeners and your tissues for blotting, it’s all in place now like it should be.
Hasan rings you up and says where’ve you been? You say just here, he says why haven’t you called me? You say I tried. He says I’ll come and get you we’ll go to Kingston okay? You go okay. You haven’t seen him for weeks now you don’t really want to see him but he rang you so he must want to see you and at least somebody wants to see you, it makes you feel a bit important or something. He comes around in the tropical-green Torana later on that night, you don’t bring him in you just call out see ya mum and shut the door. He looks you up and down he’s smiling he pinches your arse and says still fat, you go shut up, he says only joking. You get into the car. You hate the colour. This is for you he says and hands you a red rose in a cone-shaped plastic thing with fake lace painted on it. Nobody’s ever given you flowers before. You sniff it you say you got this for me? He goes nah, I got it for my mum, what do you reckon? and you go gee, thanks and you smile at him. You light a cigarette for him, the car’s going fast down Royal Parade the leaves on the trees making the night all mottled, he says I just want to see someone before we go there okay? you go yeah, sure and he parks the car in Jackson Street just behind Fitzroy Street. He says wait here so you do. He’s gone a long time. He comes back to the car appearing out of nowhere and says come inside. The Tuis he gave you on the way make everything shift and sway, you gather your body together and go inside there’s some other guys there, Ace and Snake and Gill who you’ve never met before, you have a hot knife the hash all spicy, you’re in a loungeroom darkish the carpet’s got holes there’s an old black and white movie in the corner on a crate there aren’t any windows, the dimness a strange blue seeping in through your skin. Hasan’s in another room somewhere with the others they’re gone a long time leaving you by yourself. The shadows from the corners start creeping up on you, you move your feet to the door through the kitchen to another door and you open it. There they are, faces looking at you quickly Hasan on the edge of the bathtub sleeve up belt tight fist clenching eyes wide then angry he says get out!
The walls are glossy yellow it’s a small square room. A television for watching training videos is on a high shelf there’s two tables the chairs that swivel are bolted into the floor it’s the staff room, you’re having a half-hour break you’re doing an eight-hour shift Leonie’s on her break too telling you about her boyfriend who’s in the Army Reserves. She asks you if you’ve got a boyfriend. You think about saying yes so she won’t act like there’s something wrong with you like you know she will but you can’t be bothered lying because then you’ll have to keep it up so you say no. She looks at you like she doesn’t believe you. You’re too pretty not to have a boyfriend she says and you look at her like you can’t believe she said such a stupid thing but you say thanks anyway because it’s a compliment too even though you know you’re not pretty. Then you say I used to have one and she goes oh yeah and you say but we broke up and she goes sounds like it was serious. He asked me to marry him you say and she looks impressed. Then you say but he went to prison and she looks even more impressed and you think to yourself how stupid you are to use Dave to impress people but sometimes you just want to make people shut up and who cares if you’ve got a boyfriend? You see Leonie, you look at her face the way she wears her uniform how skinny she is how ugly she is you think to yourself how you never want to be like that, going out with some stupid guy hanging off his arm talking about getting married and babies and Tupperware parties and hens’ parties and shoes and bridal showers and baby showers and what the boys do on bucks’ nights and what they ate for lunch and what they’re going to have for dinner and what diet they’re on this week and hasn’t such and such lost a lot of weight? Leonie’s only been working at McDonald’s for a few weeks but you knew her before that, sometimes she used to go rollerskating when you used to go. Her sister was Kerrie Blake who was really fat, pale pink and white with black hair and tiny features in her fat face. You and Kerrie were really good friends you did everything together at skating. You’d go around asking people to lend you a dollar or even twenty cents because you lost your tram fare somebody stole your wallet, you’d start in the middle of the crowd Kerrie would go one way you’d go the other you’d ask lots of people until you had quite a bit then you’d put your money together and you’d go to the pub on the corner and ask a passer-by to go into the bottle shop for you, you’d only ask men it was easier to get a bloke to do it for you. You’d get Brandovino or Stock Gala Spumante or both and you’d drink together sharing every drop usually with Belinda and Kathy and Grace and later the boys. Then one night Kerrie bashed you up for something that you didn’t even do. Well, you did do it but you were in the right she was wrong. Kerrie had said to you one night that she hated Bluey he was a bloody boong he was just a suck. You must have told Bluey when you were really drunk because you can’t remember but he went to her and called her a fat bitch in front of everybody you were at the station waiting for the train, they started having a fight Bluey skinny in his tight denim overalls black curly hair around his head acne on his face calling her names, Kerrie dressed in black with her handbag on her shoulder telling him she didn’t say any of that and then calling you a fucken little scrag yelling why did you lie? and you going I didn’t lie, her punching you in the face telling you to stand up and fight, you just sitting there on the waiting bench not fighting back because your dad always told you to turn the other cheek and anyway Kerrie was your friend you didn’t want to fight plus she was three times your size. The next day light blue bruises came up on your face, you had to wear foundation so nobody would see. It was a bit embarrassing at first working with Leonie because you weren’t like you used to be in those days any more, but she never brought it up except to say how good
skating was and how fantastic it was then hanging around with the West Street Boys, even though she was just Kerrie’s little sister hanging off the edge of it all, nobody paying any attention to her, at least that’s how you remember it, and now here she is, talking to you as though you were both the same, as though she was the same as you. She is never going to be like you and there is no way you are ever going to be the same as her. Ever.
You don’t even want to look but you have to, they’re on you you can’t believe it but you have to believe it because there’s one right in front of your eyes, it’s real it’s really there your skin’s all crawly and you can’t feel yourself or where you are. It’s a crab. You’ve got a crab. You’re on the toilet your pubes were itchy you looked down as you were scratching, there was this little black lump in your hair so you picked at it and it came off, on your thumbnail all these little legs wriggling you nearly screamed but you stopped yourself just in time, you squashed it against the wall, it really is alive blood came out and then you found two more. There’s insects in your body. They’re on you in you and you scratch really hard and you search through your pubes for more, you scratch and you scratch you can’t feel yourself scratching it’s like it’s somebody else’s body doing this and you’re watching from a bit of a way away but you’re really close as well and it is your body, it’s your body and there are insects living in it.
You shouldn’t have done what you did but you did and you don’t care. Everybody hates Linda now. It wasn’t like you bitched about her or anything, you just made people slowly turn against her. You’d say things like I don’t know what’s up her arse these days or she’s not talking to me and I don’t know why or look at her, she’s pretending not to see me and gradually everybody started to ignore her or just be false to her and you would never catch her eye. You really want to still be friends with her you don’t even know why you’re not, she just stopped being there and you didn’t have anyone to talk to properly about things, you still talk to people but not talk talk like you did with Linda, you always told each other everything, she knows everything about you. The boys call her dog now behind her back they never used to everybody really liked Linda and sometimes Mladin makes barking noises if she’s around but pretends he’s doing it to someone else if she tells him to shut up. She hardly ever comes up the shops anyway you don’t either any more but sometimes it’s all right even though it gets a bit boring they’re all still doing the same things, and you left school so did Linda so you don’t get to see her there either. The last time you walked part of the way home together from the shops you talked a bit, she’s working permanent part-time at K-mart now and her mum’s thinking of selling up and moving to Coolaroo her dad left but her nonna’s still there. Tina walked home with you too and when you both turned the corner to go into your street and said see ya to Linda, Tina said she reckons Linda’s up herself and you said yeah and Tina started walking like Linda saying ooh, I think I’ve got a packet of Cornflakes up my arse and you just laughed.
Tina’s really really pretty and part of her’s Egyptian, it’s not like you’re jealous or anything but it’s true and she’s got a better figure than you everything’s in the right place, you wish you looked like her even though she reckons you’re prettier and she always wants to borrow your clothes. She teaches you how to say hello, how are you? my name is Josie in Greek and thelis kaffe thea Kethe, Kathy is her mum’s name, you learn how to say fuck off and die dog as well. When you go over to her place her mum is usually cooking sometimes you help her make tarama, the breadcrumbs sandy the roe all red and shiny and salty, and you get to eat spanakopita oktopothi sweet potatoes and at Greek Easter there’s red boiled eggs. They’ve got a TV room in their house it’s like the loungeroom only much smaller they always have the volume up really loud and the colour as bright as it will go, they only use their loungeroom when visitors come over you’ve never been in there but you’re not a visitor Tina reckons. Her dad’s really fat and dark brown, he waters the concrete on Sundays he shouts at everyone everyone shouts back, her mum’s really fat too even though she keeps going to Weight Watchers she’s got blondish hair she dyes it, you helped Tina do her roots once she’s still really pretty and her sisters are pretty too. One of her sisters used to be in the Major Road Sharps she had a skinhead haircut and wore big platforms all her clothes were tight her boyfriend had a V8 but then Sharpies went out of fashion and Anna grew her hair and got married. In Tina’s house there’s always the smell of food and only half the lights in the house are on they even watch TV in the dark you never do that your dad does but only when he’s sleeping. When Tina comes over to your place she always says hi Mr Cregan if he’s home and sits down and has a chat with him she says she feels really sorry for him you say why? Linda hasn’t been around to your place for ages, last time she came around which was so long ago you can’t even remember she brought her little sister with her, Kim was only seven. She went to the toilet you and Linda helped her wash her hands in the bathroom. Kim put her finger on the wall took it off again and said it’s dirty. Linda looked at you quick then away again and said Kim, you looked at the wall the old pink wall with drip marks a patch of paint peeling the mirror rusty on the edges from behind, the ceiling steamy from Maureen who’d just had a shower, you said it’s not dirty it’s just old, feeling like you were lying even though you weren’t you said again it’s just old and Linda left the bathroom holding Kim’s hand not looking at you.
Foundation’s great to wear it covers everything up so no one can see anything and if you shade it the right way you can make your face look thinner. Sometimes it makes you feel as though your skin can’t breathe but you’re getting used to it. You like doing your make-up to match your clothes, you like it when everything is co-ordinated, colours match shapes match and nothing’s out of place. You’re getting dressed you have to go to Social Security in Glenroy to get on the dole you don’t earn very much from McDonald’s. It was good to leave school you were glad to get out of that place now you can get a job, a proper one. You feel like you can really do something in the world now and the days feel really different, they go on forever inching by in the afternoons or flying by really quickly night and morning blurring sliding into one another and around again. You’re looking for your eyeshadow the Autumn Tones set that you got from Myers last week you can’t find it anywhere. It’s not where it should be on your dressing-table it’s not in the bathroom bloody Maureen’s probably got it she’s going to get it you’re sick of her pinching your stuff. You’re in her room looking for it flinging everything about going through her drawers where is it? In your room you search everywhere and then you search again shit where is it? You’ve got an appointment at two o’clock, it’s twelve o’clock now, you have to give yourself at least an hour to get ready and it takes an hour and a half to get there by the time you walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus, you’re really pissed off you can’t go out with only half your face on and you have to wear the Autumn Tones because it’s the right shade to match your clothes you want to look right it’s important you have to look right, you’re really pissed off. Back in your room you just keep chucking things around, your clothes your moccies and all your stuff the books you’re reading, the newspaper goes everywhere and your shoes your room becomes a mess a mass of colours papers piles scattered all over the floor, you can’t find it anywhere so now it doesn’t matter Social Security can get fucked, you’re not going to the appointment Maureen’s gonna get it.
She’s stretched out in front of the heater limbs asleep she’s breathing deep, after you and your sisters brushed her hair after tickling her after dinner, the shape of her profile cradled in her own arm. Mum, you say, and there’s no answer. You get a cushion and put it under her head, lifting gently, taking care of her. What time is it? she murmurs eyes closed hair curly you say eleven-thirty I’m just going to bed. She stretches out making a sleepy noise rolling over, then grabs you quickly by surprise she starts tickling you, laughing eyes awake now
and sparky, you tickle her back and lie on the floor together laughing. It’s fun with your mum sometimes you grab another cushion and belt her with it gently on the head telling her to get lost she picks up the one from the floor, you’re standing she’s kneeling pillow fight flapping soft blows she’s going for it laughing laughing until you give in until you run up the hallway she’s chasing you, you shut the door saying suffer mum, you can’t get me, you’re puffed out funny smile on your face catching your breath and giggling, hearing her giggling on the other side of the door.
You’re walking up the hill the same hill that you’ve walked up a million times before the hill that’s always been there, the sunlight’s bright in your eyes flashing through the afternoon. You get to the top and you stand there for a bit just looking around. You look up and see sparrows on the telegraph wires all feathered and light with bones of air. You see the clouds changing whirling away into nothing slowly. You think about the sky and wonder if you’re really just a figment of someone’s imagination maybe the whole world is just someone’s imagination, and if they stopped thinking about you maybe you wouldn’t be here any more. Maybe the whole world is your own imagination and if you stopped believing in it you’d stop being here so you try, you try to stop believing you try really hard here at the top of the hill on the corner the houses going in all directions except for up, but you’re still here. You’re always going to be here. As if you could think up the whole world anyway. There’s millions of people who live in ways you could never imagine there’s places in the world that you don’t even know about there’s no way that just one person could think all this up making all those different things happening at the same time all at once, those lives being lived and people dying and being born and working and building and saving and hoping and making things important to themselves. And animals the bush the jungle the deserts and insects, billions of insects buzzing and flying and whirring and creeping everywhere, there’s outer space and underground, there’s below the sea and through the air, there’s crowds and emptinesses, you wonder why you have to be here when you can’t make sense of anything, tiny things close-up big things far away and stories in the newspaper about things you try to understand, and all these things on telly. TV shows everything you read about or hear about on the radio but it never shows you you or where you live. It doesn’t show your house your loungeroom it doesn’t show the hole in the bathroom wall that’s just rotted away. It doesn’t show the garage in the long grass that your dad bought in bits and never built, doesn’t show the driveway that you haven’t got or the things that never happen happening all the time. It doesn’t show him getting carried in by some stranger from the pub falling all over the place, it doesn’t show you holding your mum when she’s having a cry or the way Theresa looks at you when you know she thinks you’re bad and it doesn’t show you how you’re supposed to believe in anything. There’s only Pot of Gold on telly really loud in the afternoons, news and football at night movies on until the morning and Countdown when you’re lucky and when he watches it the volume’s always up high making your ears go crazy. You’re there with all these things in your mind, the sparrows have gone there’s just the telegraph wires crossing the sky, the blue of it gets right into you and you stand there, letting it.