by Unknown
“Lie back.”
I rounded myself down into his comforter, softer than mine and smelled like his cologne, something earthy and distinct. I would always associate that smell with that moment, I knew it. I stared at the ceiling in the dark, anticipation making my body shake. He pushed my thighs apart and climbed between them. His fingers sought my soft, inner lips first and discovered just how badly I wanted him inside of me.
He pushed one finger in, then two, slowly like he knew I couldn’t handle more and he was right. It was all I could do not to cry out, two days of pent up need released in one touch. I bit my lip until I thought I’d taste blood. I’d stay quiet. I wouldn’t make a sound until he let me.
Jonah loomed over me, watching my face as he worked his fingers in out. When he added a third and I almost couldn’t stand it. I didn’t make a sound but my hips rose, pushed toward him and he grabbed my hips with his empty hand, held me still, and started to pump the others in and out, first rapidly, then slower. His thumb found my clit, swollen and desperate, and when he touched it I almost disobeyed him. Almost.
“Good girl, such a good girl. Come for me,” he whispered, and rewarded me when his mouth and tongue replaced his fingers. I sucked in air, as loud as a gasp, but he mercilessly didn’t stop. His hands pushed my thighs apart, almost until they hurt, and went down on me with as much abandon as I had him.
He licked, sucked, and toyed at my clit. This was my pleasure, but he’d control it as I’d controlled him. My thighs shook, barely held still under his hands. He worshipped me with his tongue and then replaced the three fingers inside of me. The more he licked and sucked at it, the more my thighs trembled uncontrollably and the closer I came to climaxing. I dug my fingers into my palms, into his bed, pushed against his mouth and fingers until I thought I was going to explode. He rewarded me again by moaning against my clit, taking pleasure in pleasing me and that was all I needed.
I opened my mouth but didn’t scream, though I badly wanted to, and the pressure of making no noise made my orgasm that much more powerful. I wrapped my legs around him, pulled him closer, trapped him against me, and he let me. My whole body felt it, shaking and bucking against his mouth and fingers as wave after wave passed through me. If I made any noise, I don’t know, for a few seconds there I lost complete control.
Jonah stayed between my legs until I stopped shaking, until I settled back into his bed. He pulled his fingers out first, then his mouth. He kissed the inside of my left thigh for long, tender moments. That vulnerability. That sweetness he could only show in the moments after giving in fully to each other. I cherished it.
I felt too dazed to say anything or move. My grip on his blanket was like iron and he had to pry my fingers loose when he finally sat up.
He kissed each hand with such surprising intimacy. He climbed onto the bed beside me, touched the pad of his thumb to my lips and caressed their shape.
Jonah was quiet beside me, quiet and still. He didn’t exactly touch me, though his whole body grazed me. He propped his head in one hand and with the other, I don’t know. He didn’t touch me with it, but almost, hovering on the edge of some indecision.
When reason returned, the aftershocks subsided, and my breathing slowed to normal, he adjusted my skirt, very gentlemanly. “You should go back to your cabin now.”
The intensity of my disappointment was incredible. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. Not a shove out the door. I don’t know what I thought would happen. More. I wanted more. Didn’t he?
“Is that a command?” I asked. I sounded like a brat, I knew that.
He was quiet for a moment. I thought I could feel him touch my hair. “If it has to be.”
“That’s it?”
He sat up, took my hand and pulled me to my feet, too. I wobbled, my knees weaker than I wanted him to know they were, but he steadied me. My pleasure was quickly being overwritten by humiliation. Again. He walked me to the door and opened it for me. Such a gentleman.
In the moonlight I could see his face clearly, sweaty, his eyes heavy with desire and something else. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to push him back onto his bed, climb onto his hips. I wanted to make him hard again and I wanted him inside of me. Didn’t he? Couldn’t he want those things too?
Was I really so foolish to come here and think there was something…
Oh god. Of course I was that foolish. I was a foolish, chubby girl who hadn’t been touched in too long. Not like that, not ever like that.
He touched my face, lightly, not the way I wanted him to. When had I become a girl who liked being touched? His thumb grazed my lips again and for a moment, I don’t know, I thought he was going to change his mind. He didn’t.
Foolish girl.
“Don’t come back here tomorrow, do you understand? It was irresponsible on both our parts. I won’t let you in next time.”
I stepped down, out of his reach, shocked at the dismissal in his voice, but he didn’t stop me. I didn’t want him to see the pain in my face, but there was nothing I could do to hide it. He leaned against the door, sweat glistening down his chest. He didn’t meet my eyes as he shut me out.
Seven
When Shannon crept into the cabin before dawn, I’d slept only a little and what I had captured was troubled and slippery. How many days had we been here? I couldn’t even keep track anymore. I was surprised when Shannon tip-toed to the side of my bed and whispered my name.
“You’re awake?” she asked.
“Yeah. Look at you, sneaking home before dawn. Are congratulations in order?”
I slid over in the already tiny bed and she crawled in next to me. We were nose to nose on our sides and I could just make her out in the dim moonlight. She smelled like wet earth and moss.
Like her brother’s bed. The thought cracked something in my chest.
She sighed and nuzzled her nose into my pillow. “He was so gentle. I could have spent all night with him. Afterwards we walked through the trees all the way to the ocean. We didn’t want to go back to the cabin in case you and Cole…”
“Oh, no. No. I didn’t meet him. Not that he isn’t very pretty, but…anyway. You harlot. Tell me everything.”
She laughed and lowered her voice as if there were a hundred people listening just outside the windows. “I like sex. I’ve really wasted a lot of time holding out. He’s so pretty, Jess. He’s got these spaces between his belly button and thighs that are just so…wow.”
I smiled. I knew exactly the spot she meant. Wow indeed. “Is this a one-time thing or should I expect you late every night?”
“Every night, I hope. We’re going for a run in the morning on the beach before breakfast. He runs. Of course he does.”
“Did you tell him you don’t run?”
“No, I didn’t have the heart.” I laughed, she sighed. “Our babies will be beautiful.”
“Where does he go to school?”
“California, like, the other side of the world from us. I’m going to run away to L.A. You can come with me. We’ll live wantonly, get jobs dancing in places with poles. I’ll call you Trixie North and you’ll call me Stella Lee.”
As sad as I was feeling, as embarrassed and small and unwanted, this made me smile. I thought maybe I could do anything if Shannon went with me. “Who needs college anyway? It’ll be just you and me, Stella.”
“You and me, Trixie.” After a moment she said, “I’m sorry you and Cole didn’t work out. I really thought he’d like you.”
“I don’t think I’m a surfer boy’s type, Stella. That’s ok, I’m not sure surfer boys are my type.” How could I tell her I’d spent the night with her brother? The brother who seemed to hate me as much as he hated this place? “Besides, you know me. I’ve got more issues than either of us want to deal with in less than two weeks and it’s not like I can hide from him here when he finds out I won’t let him touch my breasts.”
She leaned in, touched her forehead to mine. How many whispered conversations had we
had like this in the last two years? If she left the dorms I didn’t know what I’d do. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Jess. You’re beautiful and the first boy who makes you see that will win my favor forever. Someone is going to lose themselves over you, scars and all. Just wait.”
That sure wouldn’t be Jonah Silver. I wanted very badly to tell Shannon about him, about everything, but how would she react to that? Would she make me leave? I couldn’t bear being shut out by two Silvers.
I did what any self-respecting coward could. I kept my mouth shut.
Eight
Breakfast was a scene of absolute chaos. Everyone over the drinking age or at least, very close to it, had hangovers. There were twenty pairs of $400 special order sunglasses, each vying for a seat furthest from the windows. Someone suggested they move breakfast to the dining room, which caused Mrs. Silver to have a mild stroke until Jonah ordered Meredith to have all the curtains pulled. The sheer fabric blocked most of the harshest glares, but most sunglasses remained in place anyway.
Shannon and Henry were dosing against each other, looking as sweet as apple pie with her head on his shoulder and his head against her hair. They both had on their sunglasses and the fresh glow of a morning workout.
I thought I’d avoided Cole until he grabbed me near the doorway, his fingers not-too-kindly digging into the soft skin inside my elbow.
“Where were you last night? I waited for like a half an hour freezing my balls off. What the hell, Jessica? I thought you were a sure thing.”
A sure thing. My stomach turned at the very idea.
And maybe it was the sound of my name, but Jonah slammed his palm on the table with such aggression I thought it would tip and shot to his feet. Several eyes looked his way but no one was in the mood to question him. He held my eyes and I shook my head a fraction. It took all my strength to look away and give Cole my complete, if not disgusted, attention. I peeled each of his fingers off me, one at a time.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. It was embarrassing, being talked down to like this where any of the people in the room could hear. “I changed my mind. I am not anyone’s sure thing, but I shouldn’t have stood you up. That was rude.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. Fucking tease.” He shook his head and walked over to the only seat still available at Shannon and Henry’s table.
I think Shannon must have fallen asleep behind her sunglasses because she didn’t seem to react. I stood stupidly for a moment, but none of the cousins seemed to even consider giving a chair to me so I could be near my friend. At the last minute Eric called my name and I gratefully took a seat between him and Melissa. Eric’s friend Nelson sat across from me, and Sarah McAllister and her younger sister Lara filled the other two seats. When I glanced over, Jonah had returned to his seat and was paying close attention to something Eva McAllister was saying to him.
A pang of jealousy shot through me as I watched him listen to her with rapt attention. He had never listened to anything I had to say like that. At most he afforded me clinical curiosity; at worst he downright insulted me. Why did it matter? What good was he anyway?
What good? My thoughts went immediately to what he’d done to me last night, how powerful and delicious I’d felt with his face buried between my thighs. How he’d called me beautiful.
I swallowed, squeezed my legs and didn’t look up again from my breakfast.
Thankfully, Nelson and Eric together were a riot and kept me laughing despite the confusion in my stomach. Breakfast was lighter and I opted for yogurt and fruit and skipped the heavier stuff. I didn’t think I could stomach it anyway. I noticed Eva ate nothing and drank coffee like it was water. Jonah devoured a full breakfast, speaking sometimes to his mother and listening when his father spoke at him. I recognized the polite tolerance he afforded his father. I had that look down to a science.
“You’re at Penn State now, aren’t you Jonah? When will you be done getting that fancy degree and start making your old man truck loads money?”
I glanced up from my breakfast at the over boisterous voice of Mr. Silver’s brother, though I couldn’t remember his name. He’d arrived this morning and missed the outburst from last night.
Jonah got his expression under control behind his water goblet and when he set it down, the only thing burning were his eyes. No one noticed but me, I was sure.
“I just finished my graduate program last week.”
His uncle expressed the same surprise I did when he yelled, “Well, damn boy! Why didn’t you say something?”
“My father doesn’t approved of what I chose to study and I won’t be joining his company, so it seemed rude to brag.” Jonah practiced taking a bite of his breakfast, looking at his uncle, at his food, and back up, all the while avoiding eye contact with anyone else. It didn’t matter, his father jumped on the opportunity.
“International goddamn business and trade. He wants to go to Japan for a year to work for some company there and come back and start his own firm. Not only does he want to abandon his family, but he wants to compete against it. Most goddamn thing I’ve ever heard.” Mr. Silver threw his napkin into his plate and Mrs. Silver stifled a noise that broke my heart. Eric kept his head down, Melissa stared oblivious into the ceiling. Shannon seemed to still be dosing at her table. I was starting to understand that as long as their father’s attention was on Jonah, it wasn’t on them and that was good enough for now.
Briefly I forgot my anger and embarrassment and I truly felt sorry for him. His world must have been very lonely.
He would have hated me for my pity.
“Ah.” Jonah’s uncle took the longest sip of water I’d ever seen. When he set it down I bet he was hoping for a refill of whiskey. “Now why would you want to go and do that, kid?”
“I don’t want him to leave the country, but I’m very proud of all the work he’s done. He graduated at the top of his class,” Mrs. Silver said. She took her husband’s hand and squeezed it very, very hard.
“I like what I do and I do it very well. Silver Investments does not have a very large international interest, so it is not for me.”
“His family isn’t for him, he means. He’s had one foot out the door his entire life.” Mr. Silver’s voice rose an octave until he was the only one in the room talking. Eric grasped my wrist and leaned into me, his voice desperate.
“I will give you one thousand dollars if you change the subject immediately.”
I stared at him and understood how painful it must be for him to watch his older brother admonished constantly for choosing his own life. His eyes shone with it. I held his gaze and I didn’t know what came over me when I yelled out, “Jonah!”
Jonah’s attention snapped in my direction, his pupils large and responsive, and he stood so suddenly the water glasses rattled. Our connection was instant, his response overpowering our better senses. Everyone at his table turned to look at me. Jonah calmed quickly, sat down, adjusted his water glass, and cleared his throat.
But I thought I saw relief, too, now that he could avoid his father patronizing him in front of his family again. “What? What do you need?”
“I…” My mind went blank. I thought of his mouth, his hands, and his bedroom in the dark, sand between my toes. Nothing at all I could say out loud. “Eric said you have a boat. I was wondering if you’d take me.” A look of horror came across Jonah’s face as I rushed on like a lunatic. “In the boat. Out. For a boat ride.”
Inside I prayed for a swift and merciful death.
Everyone in the room stared. Jonah wiped his face clean of emotion. He looked at Eric and then across the room at nothing in particular. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
Drawn by the noise, Shannon sat up, perched her glasses on top of her head, and turned in her chair to regard her brother eagerly. “No! Why not? Oh please Jonah, she’s never been before! I promised she’d get to try everything while she was here! Take her Jonah, please? Just a short one?”
Jonah shifted in
his chair, took another immediate drink of water. Eva sighed a little. “I would love to go out on one of the boats.”
I would not love to go out on one of the boats at all. I wanted to stay with Shannon and I couldn’t think of any place I’d rather be less than alone with Jonah and Eva McAllister out far enough that I couldn’t swim back if they started making out in front of me.
“Alright,” he said with a sigh, returning his attention to his plate. “I concede. I’ll take her out after breakfast.”
* * *
Eric, Nelson, and Cole rounded up the rest of the party, with Henry staying behind with Shannon who was afraid of the open water. Eric assisted me into big fast looking blue boat docked near the end and helped me get strapped into my life jacket. I snuck looks at Jonah as he prepped the boat and loaded its gear. He snuck looks back, but I couldn’t decipher them.
Despite everything, I’d become a little bit excited. It was true, I’d never been on a boat before, though I had been to the ocean. Shannon and I were only a few hours from it at school, though the water was colder there. Not like this, but Shannon loved the beach. It was easy to give in to her whims.
I wanted to taste the salty air and feel it rushing through my hair the way it did in movies. Eric suggested a spot at the front, and as soon as Eva and her long tan legs spread out on the back benches, I took his advice.
Jonah took the wheel and fired up the engine. She purred quietly as he backed her out of her spot and steered her out into the open water. It was a nice day, but clouds cutting the sky threatened to end our happy trip early anyway. Once we’d gotten far enough from the docks, Jonah hit the throttle and the boat leapt forward as if she was born to only go fast.
I grabbed onto the railing and leaned out to watch the waves cut before us. It was absolutely exhilarating, just like in the movies. We zipped through the endless blue and boy were we fast. I very quickly fell in love with the cut and bounce and how controlled but almost wild Jonah handled her. I wanted to reach out and skim my fingers across the foamy water, but I didn’t dare.