Magda walked out and threw a pile of bloodied towels into the laundry and then moved into the kitchen, where she proceeded to open and close cupboard doors, searching for something…or nothing.
Finally, she spun to glare at me accusingly.
‘This is all your fault! He’s been so worried about you he hasn’t been able to function. He doesn’t eat.’ She wrinkled her nose at the dirty plates. ‘Well…not to his normal standard. He hasn’t slept in days. He blames himself for everything. That’s why it was so easy for Onyx to overpower him. Even now…’ She pushed aside a plate in the sink so she could fit a glass under the tap and it set off a domino effect – the whole pile of plates shifting and clunking. I heard a crack. She persisted anyway, blasting water into the glass and slamming it on the counter after barely a sip. ‘He’s asking for his rainbow,’ she scoffed.
‘What is it with all this rainbow crap?’ I asked, turning to Griffin and blanking Magda. It was either that or giving her a one-fingered salute.
Griffin looked up from where he had been showing Phoenix a map. ‘I think it has something to do with your power. We all have individual strengths – yours seem to reflect a rainbow in your aura. Lincoln can see the shadows that cling to people after they’ve been altered by an exile. It’s possible that in his weakened state he can also see your aura more clearly too.’
‘Great. So he gets super-strength and powers of Sight, you get to be some kind of human lie detector, and I get my own float at Mardi Gras.’ I put my hand on my hips and took another deep breath to centre myself. I looked at Phoenix, who was watching the room with mild interest.
‘Let’s go. I have to make a quick stop on the way,’ I said. Then I turned to Magda, who still didn’t seem to want to look at me. ‘Tell him…not to die.’
She stared at me in disbelief. ‘You’re going to embrace?’
I gave her my best don’t-mess-with-me look. ‘Just keep him alive until I get back.’
‘Aren’t you going to see him?’ she said accusingly.
‘No. We have to go.’ I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t know if I could face him at the moment, not while I felt my life as I knew it slipping away.
Phoenix slid up and took my hand, sensing my need for escape. ‘Where to?’
‘Home. I need something.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
‘If it is nothingness that awaits us, let us make an injustice of it, let us fight against destiny, even without hope of victory.’
Miguel de Unamuno
I changed into a pair of black cargos and a grey singlet and tied a jumper around my waist. Survival 101 at its best. I rummaged through my drawers filled with paintbrushes, pens and junk jewellery and found my old banged-up phone. I put in the sim card I’d removed from the phone I’d smashed earlier and turned it on. Miraculously, the screen showed two bars of power. There were probably a lot of things I should take with me. Weapons wouldn’t have been a bad idea – but I didn’t have any. At the last moment I shoved my baby necklace in my pocket along with the poem Mum had left for me.
There was a knock on my door. ‘Coming!’ I called to Phoenix. I raked my fingers through my hair and yanked it back into a ponytail, then grabbed my hiking boots and pulled the door open. Dad stood on the other side.
‘Hi, honey,’ he said. He looked preoccupied.
‘Dad, hi. I thought you were Phoenix.’
‘He’s in the living room.’ He nodded his head in that direction and added, ‘You guys seem…close.’
I started to pull on my boots while Dad was there. I didn’t have time for this conversation. ‘Yeah, but we’re just on our way out.’
‘Vi, are you OK?’ he asked, noticing my impatience.
‘I’m fine,’ I said. Then I thought of something. ‘Dad, I know this might sound a bit weird, but when I was born did Mum say anything…’ I hated doing this to him. Just the mention of her caused a ripple of pain over his face. ‘Anything weird?’
He smiled at me and relaxed a little. ‘She named you. She said, “She is the heart of the Keshet, James. She is Violet.” And then she told us both that she loved us and that everything would be OK.’
I saw his eyes fill with tears and I wanted to reassure him, but all I could manage was a loud gulp. I had heard that word before. In my dreams.
‘What does Keshet mean?’
He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, shutting out the world from his thoughts for a second.
‘Keshet is Hebrew for rainbow. Your mum loved rainbows. She used to say they were the link between us and everything else: the reminder that we are not alone. She said they were the perfect showering of light and shade, and as long as we had rainbows there was hope for the world. Violet is the innermost colour of the rainbow, the heart. It’s beautiful really.’ He was far away.
I smiled at him and then gave him a hug, partly because I wanted to give him one, partly because I needed one, and partly to hide the look on my face.
What did my mother do to me?
He was a little surprised; normally I shied away from being too affectionate. When I didn’t pull away immediately he gripped me tighter like he used to when I was a little girl.
‘Vi, something’s wrong.’
I held on to him and desperately wished he wasn’t right.
‘It’s OK. I…I’ve just had to make a few tough decisions lately.’
‘This wouldn’t happen to revolve around the men in your life?’
I almost laughed, wishing it were that simple. Guy problems would be a welcome dilemma in comparison. ‘A little.’
‘Will you be OK?’ he asked, and from the way he said it I could swear he knew things might be about to change forever. I could hear the fear start to move through him. I couldn’t bear it. There was no point in us both going through this.
‘Sure, Dad. Hey, let’s have dinner together one night next week. We can talk then.’ I did my best to sound upbeat.
‘Vi, it’s late. Where are you going?’
I wriggled out of his arms but he still held my hand.
‘Somewhere with Phoenix. Dad, please. I have to go.’ I looked at him and held his eyes. Today was not the best day for him to pull the father-of-the-year act.
With a smile that showed he trusted me, he let me go. Selfishly, part of me wished he hadn’t. Part of me wished he was one of those dads. The type that would lock me in my room and take away my choices.
I hated myself for even thinking it.
I was surprised to see my phone still had coverage. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere. Phoenix, who had received instructions from Griffin, had brought us here in a matter of seconds. There was no sign of civilisation and it was so dark away from city lights and pollution that all the stars had a chance to shine. Owls hooted and creatures I really didn’t want to meet rustled in trees nearby. I was grateful there was at least a half-moon that shed a glimmer of light. Without it, we would have struggled to see our hands in front of our faces. A canopy of trees curled above us, the branches stretching out like ominous arms with long, deliberate fingers.
I told Phoenix I needed to call Steph so he gave me some privacy and said he would collect a few supplies. I had no idea what that meant. I couldn’t imagine him gathering wood.
Steph answered on the first ring. I knew I’d be in trouble; I hadn’t spoken to her since ditching the party the night before. It was odd to think how much had happened in twenty-four hours.
‘Vi! About damn time! Where the hell have you been?’
‘Hell,’ I answered, using her own words.
‘What’s going on? Your phone has been going straight to voicemail all day. I even went round to your place earlier, where, by the way, I found my shoes covered in dirt! I was actually starting to freak out that one of the men in your life had finally lost the plot and kidnapped you. Are you OK?’
‘In a way. Sorry I haven’t called, and sorry about the shoes. Lincoln was hurt and we had to go help him.’
‘What do you mean hurt? And what do you mean we?’
‘He was hurt in a fight…kind of. It’s a long story. By we, I mean Phoenix and me.’
‘That sounds healthy. Could things get any weirder in your love life? Honestly, I require some big time hole-filling on the story here. Is Lincoln going to be OK?’
Yes, as long as I forfeit my life as I know it and ride to his rescue.
‘I’m working on it.’
‘How?’ she asked with a heavy dose of suspicion.
‘Look, Steph, I don’t want to lie to you but I can’t tell you at the moment.’
‘Is this something to do with Phoenix?’
‘Yes and no. It’s complicated.’
‘Well, duh, I cottoned on to that much. Where are you now?’
‘The middle of nowhere. I’ll fill you in later.’
‘Well, when are you going to be back?’
It was a good question. I wondered if I would ever truly return.
‘Soon. I’ll call you when I’m home,’ I promised.
‘I hope Lincoln’s OK.’
‘Me too.’
‘You don’t have to be his saviour, you know?’ She waited silently on the other end for my response.
‘Bye, Steph,’ was all I could squeeze out.
‘Bye, babe,’ she said, sounding worried but letting me off the hook. I really hoped I would get that chance to explain everything to her.
I sat on a rock playing with the buttons on my phone. The screen light came on, shedding a little glow on my surroundings. Trees, dirt and rocks. As long as the creepy crawlies stayed away, I could cope.
The light faded from the phone and I had a moment of complete darkness. I was sure I could actually hear my heart cry. When I pressed one of the buttons to relight the screen, it was wet with my tears. Funnily enough, the moment I had the light again I didn’t want it. Right now I preferred the darkness.
Lincoln was bleeding to death while Magda played nursemaid. It was stupid that it bothered me, but it did. In fact, everything bothered me. Steph and Dad had no idea what was going on. I’d lost my friendship and anything else I’d once imagined there might be between Lincoln and me. Becoming a Grigori meant a chance to save him but it also meant giving him up – it meant giving myself up too. And though I wanted to deny it, I had a growing feeling that I was missing something very important about Phoenix.
I couldn’t help but feel cheated. I’d worked so hard to keep normality in my life since the attack. A month ago I was actually normal, happy. Now I was about to do the very thing that ensured I would never have that again.
My breathing became shakier and I fought the urge to throw myself on the ground and sob. I didn’t hear Phoenix approach, just felt his hand on my shoulder. He didn’t say anything and I was relieved. I couldn’t put on a brave face right now. I sat, with his hand on my shoulder, and cried until I started hiccupping.
Eventually I stopped and Phoenix stood. ‘Come on. I’ve set up a camp for the night.’
‘With what?’
‘A few things.’ I couldn’t see his face but I could hear the smile in his voice. I was glad he was there. I gripped his hand tightly.
‘What’s going to happen to me, when I embrace? Do you know?’ I wiped my eyes and tried to pull myself together.
‘I don’t know. I’ve heard it can be pretty physical.’
‘Will I have to fight someone?’
‘Perhaps.’ He pulled me to my feet. ‘Come on.’
Setting up camp was an understatement. Phoenix had a fire roaring. He’d also positioned as seats gigantic logs that would normally take three men to lift. And a bed. An actual bed – well, a mattress at least – but it had linen and pillows.
‘I was going to get a tent, but it’s clear tonight and I figured we wouldn’t really need it.’
I looked at the bed. ‘It’s…it’s…’ I really didn’t know what to say. Of all the things I’d been expecting, it wasn’t this.
‘I know there’s only one bed, but I have another mattress. I just haven’t blown it up yet.’
I bit back the ‘how convenient’ remark.
‘How did you…?’ Possibly get all this stuff here?
He just smiled and sat on the other side of the fire, where one of the logs had been perfectly positioned away from any drifting smoke.
‘If I’m going to have to fight someone, maybe we should practise,’ I said, catching him by surprise.
‘No. We shouldn’t.’ His tone was final. I got the distinct impression this was a closed subject.
Of course, I ploughed ahead. ‘Why not? I’m sure you could teach me a thing or two.’
He launched through the fire, catapulting himself at me so fast he looked like a comet. He barrelled into me and I fell back onto the ground under his heaving body. His hand was wrapped taut around my neck.
‘Lesson number one,’ he growled. ‘Never fight with someone you can’t beat.’
His eyes flashed dangerously. I felt his body rise and fall with every intense breath, reminding me that, despite what he might think, there were parts of him that were all human. Lying under him, the wind knocked out of me, I knew he wasn’t thinking about fighting me.
‘OK, OK.’ I surrendered. He kept his hold on my neck. Why do they always go for the neck? I opened my mouth to speak again, but he tightened his grip enough to strangle my words and make me gasp. Slowly, he softened his grasp and ran his hand down my neck to my collarbone, watching me with his dark eyes, smiling when my breath quickened.
‘I do like your neck…very much,’ he mused, and then he rolled off me and somehow glided to a stand.
I hoisted myself onto my elbows. ‘Yeah, well, if I ever come back as a Grigori, then I’ll kick your ass.’
‘You’ll come back, and you’ll be a Grigori.’ He spoke with such certainty it made me smile. ‘I doubt very greatly, however, that you’ll kick my ass. But me and my ass will enjoy your efforts.’
I threw a handful of dirt at him. He blew right through it and was standing behind me, helping me up, before the dirt had even hit the ground.
After I had brushed myself off, I sat beside him on the log and let my eyes glaze over as I watched the campfire. Phoenix elbowed me in the side and handed me a white takeaway box with chopsticks sticking out the top. ‘Chinese?’ he offered.
The way he said it, it was as if we were sitting at the dining table, no different from any other night. I started to laugh.
We ate cold chicken chow-mein and although I couldn’t stomach much, it was comforting to have food around. I was grateful that Phoenix was there. I’d never needed to be looked after so much, and for someone who was not-completely-human he was surprisingly good at the job.
‘Fortune cookie?’ he said, throwing me another white box.
I threw it back. ‘No thanks.’ I didn’t need anything else telling me my future.
‘It’ll all work out, Violet. You’ll be safer once you have more tools to defend yourself. You’ll be strong and they won’t be able to take you by surprise.’
I knew they were words of encouragement, but I had the sneaking suspicion he was also pleased about what this was doing to my relationship with Lincoln.
‘I guess you think I’m happy about all of this.’
It was like he’d read my mind. I shot him a look of accusation.
‘It’s hard not to read how you’re feeling,’ he said, with a shrug. ‘I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I don’t mind a bit of distance between you and Lincoln.’
The fire flickered and my mind skipped with it, dancing between moments. Finding out what I was, feeling the betrayal. Learning about the senses and discovering my freaky vein-ridden arms. Meeting Phoenix. Kissing Lincoln. Kissing Phoenix. I remembered how much it broke my heart to be with Lincoln and I remembered the feeling of distance, the bliss of unawareness, that came with kissing Phoenix.
I walked over to the mattress and sat on the edge. The hardest thing was knowing that, even if
this worked and Lincoln was healed, nothing would ever be OK again. This choice was going to change me forever and there was a part of me that questioned if I could ever forgive him for that.
I felt a tingling sensation and knew Phoenix was probing into my emotions. I avoided his eyes, guilty that once again I had let Lincoln rule my thoughts. I’d made a choice to be with Phoenix; I needed to stand by it. Things would never be the same. I would never be the same. Griffin even said that some people came back unable to live normal lives.
When I looked up, Phoenix was watching me. He was deathly still. Then he spoke, warningly. ‘I am not like other people, Violet. I know where your emotions are leading.’
That was the whole point. He wasn’t like other people and right now that was precisely what I needed. ‘You told me once to tell you…when I wanted it most.’
He knew exactly what I was talking about. ‘You told me once, never to do that to you again.’
‘I’ve changed my mind.’
He dropped his face into his hands and I prepared myself for rejection. A lump lodged in my throat. But when he slid his hands away, the face he revealed was not one of refusal. It was resolved, even resigned. He stood slowly and studied me. My heart raced. With each step, the look of desire smouldering in his eyes intensified.
The smoke from the fire followed him as if it were attached by an invisible thread, drawn to him. As he neared, something within me screamed, but he put his hand on my face and it stopped. Silenced by his touch.
He leaned towards me slowly, giving me time to change my mind. Then he touched my lips with his, trembling, and I knew control was on a tenuous string. But it still wasn’t enough. If I couldn’t have the control I wanted, then maybe I’d be better off with none at all.
‘More,’ I pressed.
‘Tell me what you want,’ he said.
‘Take me away.’
And with that, Phoenix released an onslaught of emotion. I sank into passion. An eternity of desire and temptation drenched me. Deep within it was a feeling of despair so old it was almost musty. On top of that, layers of new hope shimmered. I sucked it all in, even the waves of pain and ripening anger, which rippled into the mix. I took it all, just happy it wasn’t mine, relieved to be feeling something other than my own private hell. Phoenix let the emotions run and siphoned the flow, pushing aside what he did not want me to feel and covering it all with an impassable layer of lust.
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