by Cardeno C.
I shivered and sighed. It felt so incredibly good to enjoy someone that much, to really want someone. The feelings were so strong, so intense, that I didn’t know how I would be able to avoid them. No, it was more than that. I didn’t want to avoid them. I wanted to be able to feel that way. It was so much better than the constant anxiety and self-directed anger that made me feel sick inside most days.
I thought about what would happen if I let myself feel that way all the time, if I stopped trying to be the guy my parents needed me to be. My parents. It would ruin my mother if I said I was…. I couldn’t even let myself think the word.
No, it was enough with Noah. It had always been enough with Noah. My brother had such a large presence that even though he was almost four years younger, he had dominated the house. My parents had been so busy throughout our childhood trying to keep Noah calm and safe, and just generally in control, that there hadn’t been any room for me to be anything other than perfect.
Then, when Noah told us about his relationship with Clark, things went from bad to worse. At first, my parents blamed me for bringing Clark into our lives. He was my friend, after all.
They were right and I knew it. I felt like I had set Noah up for failure, especially because I knew how enticing Clark could be. By that point in time, I had spent close to a decade trying to squash my own feelings for my friend.
And my brother, staying consistent with his life-long pattern, didn’t give any of us an inch to adjust. He insisted that Clark would be joining him at every family gathering or he wouldn’t come at all. He became angry and belligerent if any of us asked him to reconsider and try to date women. And that’s really saying something, considering the fact that my brother was already angry and belligerent before that altercation.
Noah was so damn young at the time, just twenty-two, and he had been living with Clark since he was eighteen, supposedly as roommates. We were sure some distance from Clark would give him a different perspective. Well, my parents were sure, anyway. Distance from Clark hadn’t done a thing to change my perspective with regard to my own feelings for the man, so I wasn’t completely sure it would work for Noah. But I wanted him to try. I didn’t want my younger brother to suffer through the miserable life I was leading, constantly being plagued by desires and thoughts I knew were wrong.
The irony of it all was that, as it turned out, Noah hadn’t been suffering. He was happy with his life, happy living with Clark. And he felt no shame about admitting who he was to anyone who asked and even people who didn’t.
I felt equal parts envy and resentment toward my brother. He hadn’t ever asked permission for anything. He had just taken what he wanted, done what he wanted, and the rest of us had been stuck picking up the pieces. My parents were still devastated that their youngest son was living a gay lifestyle, and I was still trying to deal with that, still trying to mend the bridge between them and Noah, still hoping that our family could overcome the huge rift that had been formed when he came out. Or, to be more accurate, the rift that had always been there between my brother and my parents.
The bottom line was there simply wasn’t room in our family for me to add to the drama and the chaos. I had to be the son my parents expected, because if I wasn’t, there would be nobody else left to play that role.
Sitting all alone in my living room thinking about my family, or even worse, thinking about myself, was too much. I felt like I was suffocating, and I needed to get some air. My condo had windows, but no balcony and certainly no yard, so I snatched my keys from the bowl by the door and headed out for a drive. I didn’t have a particular destination in mind. I was just driving and thinking, then trying to clear my head with limited success and thinking again.
Before I knew it, I found myself in EC West, turning down my brother’s street. I liked his neighborhood so much better than mine. The houses were older and unique, not cookie-cutter McMansions, like where my parents lived, or nondescript condo complexes, like where I lived. I had thought about moving to EC West more than once. It was close to work, close to Noah and Clark, and far away from my parents. But it was far away from my parents. Don’t worry, the contradiction in those last two thoughts didn’t escape my notice.
I loved my parents. I wanted them to be happy. I wanted them to be proud of me. But sometimes, I wondered if it would ever be possible for me to be happy and proud of myself.
Shaking off those types of thoughts had become so customary that I usually didn’t even have to think about it. But as I sat in front of my brother’s adorable house and inhaled the scent from the flowers he and Clark had planted in the front yard, I found myself struggling to paste on my standard happy grin. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.
Everything was fine. I had just been tested more than usual the previous night. But I would find a way to overcome my attraction to Micah Trains. And, if not overcome it, then bury it deep enough that nobody would know. And really, don’t you think that’s the same thing?
I DECIDED to get out of my car and go say hello to Noah and Clark. My relationship with Clark had improved substantially over the previous four months, which had helped alleviate a sick feeling I’d had since our falling out years earlier. Things were still a little tense with Noah, but then again, things had always been a little tense with Noah, so that was nothing new.
I rang the doorbell and was surprised when my brother’s friend opened the door. He was my height, with intentionally disheveled hair that was bleached or dyed or something, resulting in a blond-streaked look. He had long sideburns and all sorts of piercings in both ears, plus one on his eyebrow.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize Noah and Clark had company. I should have called first,” I said.
“Hey, no worries, man. Come on in.” He stepped aside and then held his hand out. “I’m Andrew. We met a couple of months ago.” He had some ink on his forearm, but it was just peeking out from under the long-sleeved henley he was wearing, so I couldn’t see the details.
I took his hand and shook it. “I remember. Nice to see you again, Andrew. I’m sorry to interrupt your evening.”
“Seriously, it’s not a problem. There’s plenty of food. Come on out back.”
My mother would have been mortified if she had known that I had come to someone’s home uninvited and unannounced and interrupted a dinner party. Oh, and I was empty-handed, not even a bottle of wine to share. Social niceties were very important in my family, and I was probably violating any number of rules. Well, Noah never seemed to care about any of that stuff, and it was his house and his dinner party, so I thought it was probably okay.
We had just stepped out of the French doors into the backyard when Clark saw us. He jogged over to me and clasped my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Hi! I’m so glad you’re here.” He was smiling and his voice sounded genuinely pleased. “I wasn’t sure if Noah had decided to…. Ehm, what can I get you to eat? We have plenty left—burgers and dogs, a couple of different salads. What are you in the mood for?”
I decided not to apologize for crashing their party, because based on Clark’s comment, I was fairly sure he thought Noah had invited me. If I knew Clark and Noah, which I did, I would guess that Clark had suggested including me on the guest list and Noah had refused.
“I’m not all that hungry, Clark. But I’d love a bottle of water.”
“Coming right up. Make yourself at home. I think you’ve met most of the people here.”
I looked around the backyard. There were probably about a dozen people there, and most of them looked familiar. I had joined Clark and Noah for dinner or breakfast or a pickup ball game many times over the past few months, and their friends had been included much of the time. It’s not like I knew any of them well, but certainly enough to make small talk. Hey, it was better than spending the night all alone in my condo.
I said hello to some guys I recognized, chatted about the Glory’s season and the weather, and then I spotted my brother. He looked surprised to see me but not pissed off. I to
ok that as a win and walked over to him, reaching for a hug as soon as I was close enough. Noah didn’t pull away. Hey, I was on a roll.
“Nice to see you. Did Clark invite you?”
Right to the point. Yup, that was Noah.
“No, he didn’t. I was just stopping by to say hello. But he thinks you invited me, and he was pretty happy about that. Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that I’m just here coincidentally.”
Noah sighed. “I don’t lie to Clark, Ben. Not about anything. Not ever.”
No, of course not. They were the perfect couple. All sunshine and roses and rainbows and unicorns. At least when I wasn’t butting in and messing things up for them. I suddenly felt drop-dead tired again. I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hand. “I didn’t mean anything by that, Noah. Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”
“Of course not. I want you to stay. You’re always welcome here, Ben.” He smirked. “And I’m saying that without Clark here elbowing my ribs. Look, I didn’t invite you because I thought you’d be uncomfortable. That’s all. But everyone’s gonna be taking off soon anyway, so it should be fine.”
“Uncomfortable?” I furrowed my brow. “Why?”
“Because of the rest of the guests, Ben. Come on, you’re still riding the denial train, and I didn’t think you’d want to make a pit stop here in honestyville.”
I knew Noah was referring to his recurring accusation that I was gay. There was no point in my denying it. I had already been down that path with Noah, and he wasn’t going to buy what I was selling. My brother was much smarter than his brutish appearance implied.
“Thanks for the reminder of how little you think of me, Noah, but I’m perfectly comfortable here.”
Okay, so it was a lie. But it wasn’t because I was at Noah’s house. It seemed like I wasn’t comfortable anywhere anymore. Not even in my own skin.
Chapter Four
I CHATTED with Noah for a little while, but then a few of his guests were leaving, so he went to see them out. I saw a blonde woman standing on the side patio, and I walked over to her out of habit. That was my pattern—find a woman, start dating her, break up, find another woman right away, start dating her, rinse and repeat ad nauseam.
“Hi, I’m Ben Forman.” I introduced myself to the blonde woman.
She was holding a can of beer and her hand was wet, so she wiped it on her jeans before reaching it out to me. “I’m Kelsey. Your last name is Forman, huh? Are you Noah’s brother?”
I nodded. “Sure am. How do you know Clark and Noah?”
She drank some of her beer before answering. “My girlfriend teaches a couple of classes at Noah’s gym.”
Well that was unexpected. “Girlfriend? You mean, you’re, umm, you’re….”
Keeping a girlfriend wasn’t my forte, but landing one had never been an issue, so knowing I had just struck out with Kelsey had caught me off guard. Sure, I had decided to give myself a reprieve from dating, but a long-standing habit was hard to break, and I had already slated Kelsey as my next future ex-girlfriend. See, I can joke about the ridiculousness that is my life.
“A lesbian. Three syllables, I think you can manage them. I can’t imagine that comes as a total shock. I mean, what exactly says straight to you about this hairstyle?” she asked as she waved her hand around her almost military-style buzz cut.
My brother’s comment about me being uncomfortable because of the other guests finally sank in. I darted my eyes around the backyard and saw things in a different light.
Andrew, the punk guy who’d let me in, had his arm slung over a slender guy’s shoulders. David, a man with black hair and rippling muscles whom I had met when Noah and I went out for drinks one night, was standing behind another dark-haired guy with his arms wrapped around the guy’s chest. Aaron, the blond veterinarian who took care of Noah’s new puppy, was sitting on one of the teak armchairs with a little man curled in his lap.
Okay, all those guys were paired up with each other. It’s funny. To hear my parents describe it, they’re terrified about Noah being gay because of the promiscuous lifestyle, the accompanying drug use, and the social isolation associated with homosexuality. But here I was, looking at my brother’s tight-knit group of friends, and they were all just hanging out, seemingly sober and very clearly in established relationships. The difference between the reality I was witnessing and the nightmare stories I had always heard was confusing.
“I think I may be the only straight person here,” I said dumbly.
“Oh, honey, no you’re not,” she replied, shaking her head before taking a swig of her beer.
“I’m not? Who else is straight?”
“Not what I meant,” she said as she walked away across the yard.
It took a full minute for the meaning of her comment to register, and when it did, I felt the blood drain from my face and my stomach roll over. I collapsed into one of the chairs on Noah’s patio.
Did she think I was gay? Why? I was acting perfectly normal.
Then it hit me. My brother must have told her about his suspicions. I wondered whether he told everyone that his brother was gay. Maybe that was how Micah Trains knew. Well, not knew, but thought. Whatever, you get the point.
Micah said he and Noah had a mutual friend, so if Noah was going around telling his friends about me, it might’ve gotten back to Micah. And if Micah knew—thought—that I was gay, I wondered who else had heard Noah’s rumor and believed it.
“There you are.”
I looked up and saw Clark standing next to me.
“We wondered where you’d gone. Your car is still out front, but we couldn’t find you.”
I looked toward the backyard and saw that it was empty. I had no idea how long I had been sitting at the side of the house in the near dark, trapped in my own thoughts. “Did everyone go inside?” I asked.
Clark shook his head. “No, they all went home. It’s getting kind of late, and we started the barbeque pretty early, so….” Clark tilted his head to the side and appraised me carefully. Even though we had drifted apart, there was a time when we had been really close, and Clark could still read me pretty well. “What’s going on, Ben? Are you okay?”
I knew he was trying to be nice, but I didn’t feel like hearing it. Noah had no right to talk about me to the world, and I was pissed as hell. “Where’s my brother?”
Apprehension and concern etched over Clark’s handsome face. “Look, Ben, whatever it is that’s gotten you worked up, you need to calm down before you talk to Noah. There’s no reason to start something.”
Of course, I had to be the one to calm down. I always had to be the one to calm down, or let it go, or make some other accommodation for my emotionally unstable brother. I was sick of it. “Where is he, Clark?”
My teeth were gritted and my eyes were blazing. I was probably as mad as Clark had ever seen me. His shoulders slumped and he sighed resignedly before pointing toward the French doors. “He’s inside.”
I started storming toward the door, but Clark clutched my arm. “Please, Ben. Things have gotten so much better between us lately. I don’t want us to move backwards, and I know you don’t either.”
I noticed that he hadn’t mentioned my brother. Of course not. Noah didn’t give a shit about me. He never had. I had always been the one who’d put in all the work to try to maintain any type of relationship with my brother.
“Noah!” I shouted his name before I’d even had a chance to open the door. “Noah, where are you?”
“I’m in here, Ben.” His voice was coming from the bedroom, so I made my way back there. “Damn, boy. Where’s the fire?”
Noah’s sarcasm was the last thing I needed at that moment.
“I don’t appreciate you telling all your friends that you think I’m… that you think I’m….”
“That I think you’re the only lawyer in Emile City who can’t complete a sentence?” Noah drawled.
“Shove it, Noah. I don’t appreciate you telling people that you think I’m
gay.”
There. I said it.
“I assure you, Ben, I’ve told my friends no such thing.”
“Don’t lie to me. I know you told them.” I didn’t want to say anything about Micah Trains, but Kelsey’s comment was enough proof that I knew the truth. “Your friend Kelsey told me.”
Noah sat on the bed, leaned back on his elbows, and crossed his legs at his ankles. “Kelsey told you that I said you’re gay?”
I hated how calm he sounded and that little smirk he wore on his face. “No, she didn’t say it like that. But she thinks I’m gay. Why else would she think that? It’s not like I act gay or anything.”
Noah’s lips tightened and his nostrils flared. He sat up straight. “You don’t act gay?”
“What? I don’t. You know I don’t. Nobody can tell. I act completely straight.”
He laughed when I said that. My life was falling apart and Noah was laughing at me. Typical.
“You check out other guys and lust after them. Newsflash for you, Ben, straight guys don’t act that way.”
I couldn’t respond to that accusation. It was true, and I was too worn out to argue about it. I collapsed on the bed next to him. “That doesn’t give you the right to talk about me to other people, Noah.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Ben. You’re not on my mind enough to warrant a conversation to my friends about your pathetic life in the closet. Or anything else about you, for that matter.”
“Noah!” Clark’s indignant voice interrupted our conversation. He was the only person alive who could get away with using that tone with Noah without walking away with a limp or a bloody nose. “Please don’t say things like that, sweetheart. There’s no reason to be cruel.”
“Yeah? Well, I think there’s a reason. I’m sick and tired of biting my tongue while he embarrasses himself by parading around all those beards he calls girlfriends.” Noah turned from Clark to me. “Haven’t you had enough, Ben? I don’t understand why you keep hiding who you are.”