James’ moans quieted into heavy breaths as Gabe carefully worked the heels of his hands into the flesh around James’ shoulder blades. As he did that, he let his mind wander. It flitted to work first, which it always did, but he brushed that out of his way as best as he could. He steered his mind toward James again. The first thought there was sex, but he brushed that away as well. He thought about how he’d talk James into a spa day. It wouldn’t be James’ “kind of thing.” It hadn’t been Gabe’s “kind of thing” either. He had once disdained rich twits who could afford to have mud masks while people rubbed their feet, but the foot rubs were close to orgasmic at this one place he knew up in Napa.
He wondered if he could give it to James for Dylan’s upcoming eighteenth birthday. A sort of “Congratulations, you raised your kid to adulthood, now let yourself relax for two hours” gift. He might even get James away for an entire weekend on that one. He’d say he didn’t need it, but if Gabe could talk a bunch of Russians out of billions of dollars of mineral rights, then he should be able to tempt James away from his monastic lifestyle for a day or two. Of course, why stop with a spa—how about a trip to Paris on the company jet? For all Gabe had done, he’d never made the mile-high club. And what exactly was the point of working hard to get filthy rich if you couldn’t spoil your boyfriend from time to time? Your boyfriend who claimed he didn’t want things.
Gabe shook his head in disbelief. Years of men perfectly happy to take the luxury lifestyle he offered, until they realized Gabe’s work schedule came with it, and he finally fell for one whose idea of an indulgence was an eight-dollar concert ticket a few times a year, and always seemed perfectly okay to let him deal with work.
He’d worked his way down to James’ midback when James let out a small moan before his breathing slid into the slow and steady rhythm of sleep. He was sure James needed it. Gabe eased up but didn’t fully stop. He knelt there, his legs going slightly numb, stroking James’ back, letting himself enjoy the sensation of another’s warm, smooth skin. James mumbled and shifted slightly. Gabe climbed off, shaking the pins and needles out of his feet as James rolled onto his side, still half asleep. He took it as an invitation.
He eased himself onto the sliver of bed, listening to the springs squeak and groan as he shifted around. He pulled James into his arms, partly to anchor himself. James mumbled again, then went right back to sleep.
The heavy fog of sleep was still ghosting around James’ mind, trying to lure him back down, when he opened his eyes to find that he was nose to nose with Gabe. He seemed to do that a lot around Gabe, just doze off. He had thought that it was because of Gabe’s stupidly comfortable bed, but now it seemed it might simply be Gabe. Or it might have been the ten miles he’d put on his feet that day.
Gabe opened his eyes as well. “Hi,” he whispered.
“I fell asleep again,” James said by way of apology.
“I don’t mind.”
“You should. It’s not like this is a short trip for you.”
Gabe brushed his fingers across his face. “I don’t mind. I’ll take all the time with you I can get. Even if you’re asleep. Time with you is time I’m not at work. I almost feel like I’m having a torrid affair. Cheating on TechPrim with you.”
“You shouldn’t neglect anything that’s important,” James said without a thought.
“It’s all important, and I don’t.” Gabe kissed him. He tasted like sweet coffee. Gabe rolled against him slowly. It didn’t feel sexual. More like sitting on the beach and letting the waves roll over your legs while the sun went down. Gabe’s lips slipped from his, and he pulled back. He looked into Gabe’s soft brown eyes. They seemed tired, and maybe even a hair sad, but James felt something change. Something in his head suddenly slid to the side and locked in with something else. Something in his chest squeezed and twisted in an odd way.
Gabe’s fingers trailed across James’ face, brushing aside a stray wisp of hair. James had plans for a haircut but hadn’t found the time. Gabe kissed him again, and James let himself go. It was all so easy to do around Gabe, just take his hands off the wheel. But that was how people crashed and burned. He kissed back and tried to press himself closer. Gabe suddenly grabbed onto him tight and let out a scared little squeak as he started to slide off the bed. James quickly scooted as close to the wall as he could get, pulling Gabe a few inches closer onto the bed.
“Let me guess, you’ve had this bed since you were ten?”
“Fourteen. Dylan used it too, but he got too tall.”
Gabe nodded and gave him a gentle kiss.
That funny squeeze was back, but it felt almost painful this time. He’d never thought about his bed before. Never thought about putting anyone else in it. It was a bed. It kept his body off the floor while he slept. He should get a new one, that was obvious, a larger one, but it was easier to ignore the fact that there was only one person in his bed when it barely fit him. He squeezed his eyes shut. Gabe kissed them.
“What’s wrong?” Gabe whispered.
“Nothing,” James whispered back. The lie must have been obvious, and he could only hope Gabe would ignore it. The more time he spent with Gabe, the harder it was to ignore all the things that were wrong with his life. All the places he’d never gone. Experiences he’d never had. All the wants buried deep and regularly beaten back down, and the knowledge that Gabe could give him so much of what he wanted. And what could Gabe possibly want in return? It was something James still hadn’t worked out. He had marginal skills in bed. His looks were the very definition of average. He thought that maybe Gabe was just looking for a distraction from his job, but that couldn’t last long. And what would all that leave him with? A bed too big for one.
Gabe squeezed him tight. “What’s wrong?” he asked again.
“Just a lot of stuff on my mind.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
James’ mind screamed, Yes! “No. I’m fine. Just a little tired. I’m used to it.”
Gabe kissed him again. “I can’t imagine how tired you must be.”
“I’m sure you’re juggling a million more things than I am.” Gabe’s phone started buzzing. He didn’t move. “You should get that.”
“No. I shouldn’t.”
James frowned. Work was not something he could ever afford to ignore. He didn’t like to think that Gabe was letting work slide to be with him. “Could be important.”
Gabe brushed a thumb across his cheek. “This is important.”
James squeezed his eyes shut again. It was becoming hard to breathe. He wondered if this was what the start of a heart attack felt like. One of those freak ones that drops healthy people in their thirties. His parents could take care of Dylan, he thought. He didn’t have a large life insurance policy, but he didn’t have debts either. Chris, the most senior of his team, knew where he kept the admin passwords and could be bumped into his job temporarily. Funerals cost a lot; cremations were cheaper.
Suddenly Gabe’s lips were on his, hard and forceful. His tongue demanded entrance. His body enveloped James’, rolling him over, pressing down on him, hands in his hair pulling almost too tight. James didn’t try to resist, unable to do anything but submit to Gabe’s force of body and will washing over him.
Just as suddenly, Gabe pulled back. James opened his eyes and sucked in deep gulps of air, his heart racing.
“Sorry, but you looked on the verge of a panic attack. I don’t know why, but I’m sure it’s something that can be managed.”
“I…,” James stuttered and took a few breaths. He ran over his mental map of the server room cabling in his head. It was mostly logical, devoid of emotion, and complicated enough to push little fluttery, half-formed, unpleasant thoughts out of his head. He took another deep breath. “It was nothing.”
“No. It was something.”
“It was… sometimes things… sometimes I realize I don’t have a proper plan for certain eventualities. And it bothers me a bit.” Gabe frowned. “Please don’t look at m
e like that,” James nearly begged.
“Like what?”
“Pity.”
“Never. You’re too strong. I just worry about you.”
“You shouldn’t.” James could worry about himself; no one needed to do that for him.
“I’m your boyfriend. I’m allowed to worry about you. It’s one of the perks.”
“Perks? One more thing to worry about.”
“One more thing I want to worry about and make time for. Now what was the eventuality you didn’t have a plan for? Planning is something I’m very good at.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” James felt a hard, burning knot settle into his throat. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I think I’m more tired than I realized.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“No,” James said quickly. The phone had finally stopped buzzing, but that didn’t mean the caller didn’t leave a message Gabe should be attending to. “Unless you have somewhere you need to be. I mean, if I’m keeping you from something important….”
Gabe kissed him hard again, then pulled back. “I told you, this is important.”
“It’s just—” James couldn’t even begin to voice it. His throat grew tight again, and the words tangled in his head. He took a deep breath, his lungs filling with Gabe’s scent. He felt small tremors run through his body. They’d happened before and far too often. It was a prelude to panic or tears. To something he couldn’t control but could usually hide away from anyone’s notice. At least when another person wasn’t nose to nose with him.
“What is it?” Gabe asked again, and James was sure he would keep asking.
“If something happens to me, could you keep an eye on Dylan for a little bit?”
“What! What’s wrong? Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
“I… I know, I just don’t handle things I can’t—” James shook his head as if he could simply brush away the thoughts. It was a stupid thing to say. Now Gabe was going to get a real idea of how messed up he was and how much his holding it together was an act. “I’m sorry.” James’ eyes were still closed. The inside of his head was beginning to feel ragged, and even though it was mostly because of Gabe, he felt more grounded with Gabe holding him.
Gabe kissed him softly. “I understand. Of course I will. And nothing is going to happen.” Gabe kissed him again.
James’ chest still hurt. “Gabe, I have a funny feeling that I might be a little messed up.” It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud to anyone.
“No. You’re not. You’re tired and stressed, and you have been for a while. Just like me.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’ve seen messed up. I’ve dated messed up. Messed up is having panic attacks over the feng shui of your apartment until you OD on Valium, then dump your boyfriend halfway through the rehab he’s paying for.”
James chuckled, the knot in his chest beginning to ease. “I keep panicking over little things. Anything I can’t predict. The closer it gets to Dylan leaving, the more terrified I get over the little stupid things, and I know he’s grown up, and I know I need to start letting go and living my life, but I swear he started kindergarten yesterday, and it’s just….”
“It’s hard.”
“Yeah. It really is. And what am I supposed to do in September?” James asked, mostly to himself. “I am thirty-two. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my existence?”
“I don’t know. Live it, I guess.”
James wanted to laugh at that, even though there was nothing funny about it.
“But for just a weekend of it, I was thinking, after Dylan’s graduation, and once I’ve got a break from the Russians, we could maybe drive down the coast? I know a little bed-and-breakfast in Monterey run by a nice couple. We could go to the aquarium. Maybe rent one of those kayaks, paddle out and look at the sea otters?” There was a cautiously hopeful look on Gabe’s face.
James thought that it did sound nice, the idea of sitting by the water, listening to waves, not thinking about things. It would cost, though. Everything cost in some way in the end: money, time, something.
“I… I’d have to look at my leave schedule.”
“Okay.” Gabe shifted around until they were both on their sides again, pressed chest to chest. “I have a feeling that by then we’ll both be wanting a weekend someplace quiet.”
James nodded. “Can we stay like this for a while, now?”
“Of course.”
He pressed his face to Gabe’s chest and fought the urge to fall back asleep. He’d been worried about seeing Gabe after their last aborted lunch. There had been an odd tension to the texts and phone calls, but as soon as Gabe had touched his neck and he had felt the warmth of his fingers and the strength in his hands, he could think of little else. He had been told often that he shouldn’t get angry at people who tried to help, but most of the time, he didn’t need help. People didn’t understand that. Gabe had just assumed. James took a deep breath, drawing in Gabe’s scent before he could get angry again at something that was past.
Gabe kept asking him what he wanted. What he wanted were Gabe’s hands on his body at every possible moment. Not necessarily sexual touches, though those were nice, but the simple feeling of skin on his skin was becoming something he craved.
He tried to pull those thoughts in. They were dangerous but fast becoming hard to ignore. Gabe stroked his head, and he gritted his teeth. He usually came home from bad days and shoved his nose in a book. Maybe went to bed early. He took care of the anger quietly and without witnesses, like so much else in his life. He wondered if this was what being in a relationship really was about: having to endure someone watching your breakdowns and neuroses and witnessing the days when you just want to shove a towel in your mouth, scream, then go to bed.
Gabe went from stroking his head to rubbing it gently. James felt his own body melt against the bed. Gabe started making little nonsense hushing noises. He tried to lift his arms, but he felt weak and heavy, and he didn’t seem to care. Finally he took a deep breath and drifted off again.
Gabe stroked James’ head long past the point he had drifted back to sleep, leaving him with his own thoughts. James’ near panic attack had been a greater shock than he’d let show. The whole night was throwing him for a loop. He could simply chalk it up to the chronic exhaustion James was certainly dealing with. It was a state he was familiar with, and he was well aware that it could send the brain tumbling quickly into weird dark places. But the cracks Gabe had just seen, had been allowed to see, seemed to go deeper than simple exhaustion. They seemed to go right down to James’ heart, where they would be hard to fix.
But Gabe was a fixer. Companies, people, it didn’t matter. There was nothing that couldn’t be dealt with once the core problem was determined. In James’ case at least one major problem was easy to work out. He was poor, and like a billion other people, he was stuck in a loop. And it wasn’t as if he’d screwed up to get there. He didn’t overleverage himself on a million-dollar mortgage. He didn’t lose his job with fifty grand sitting on credit cards. He didn’t go through some ugly divorce. He started at the bottom of the ladder and did his level best to claw his way up with what he had.
Gabe sighed and let himself roll some fantasies around in his head. James moving in with him, quitting his shitty job, going back to school to become… something. He wondered what James had wanted to be when he grew up, before everything changed. He wondered if he’d even had a chance to develop a solid idea. His mind jumped to the future. Dylan could come home on the weekends to nice family dinners and lively conversation.
Gabe closed his eyes. It had been a long time since he’d fantasized about playing happy family with anyone and even longer since he felt even a hint of seriousness in that.
He heard his phone go off. James stirred. He wanted to pick up his phone, fling it across the room, and watch it shatter. He kept stroking James’ head, trying to ease him into a deeper sleep, since Gabe still need
ed time to think. All these little wants and fears and fantasies were adding up to something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Something that had gone so unbelievably bad the last time.
With James it would be different, of course. James wasn’t a wannabe corporate raider with advanced degrees in psychological manipulation, for one. That was working on the very risky assumption that James had long-term interest in him too. If he was James, he’d want to play the field, at least a little. See who else was out there. Catch up on all the social experiences he’d missed by having Dylan so young. Gabe let out another sigh and shoved those feelings down. At this point, sticking his heart on a platter would probably only lead to James running into the hills and Dylan kicking his ass.
Best to start things slow. Chinese deliveries. Low-key but still nice dates. Buttering up Dylan a bit. Dealing with the Russians so he could take a few days off properly where perhaps they could catch up on sleep together. Not much of a game plan really, but it was a start.
When James finally woke from his second nap, they ordered Chinese food, sat on the couch, and talked about nothing important. They made out on the couch, ate dinner, made out some more, then moved to the bedroom for some precarious lovemaking. It had been after midnight, and James had been fast asleep again when Gabe let himself quietly out of the apartment. He’d left a note by the bed, promising to call.
Now Gabe was using his sliver of a lunch break to query the almighty Internet on dating people with kids. Dylan had mostly come around to his side after he did his best to prove he wasn’t screwing with James, but if Gabe wanted to get James out of town, he was going to need Dylan’s backing. And any serious relationship moves would quite possibly need Dylan’s approval, or at least his advice. Gabe glared at his computer monitor. The all-knowingness of the Internet was failing him. He’d found plenty on step-parenting and a couple of blog posts about dating people with small children, but nothing that seemed to apply to his situation.
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