“Gabe, are you in bed?” There was another hum that sounded like a positive response. “Okay.” There was a beeping again, over Gabe’s breathing. James dug his nails into his palm, shoved down the guilt as hard as he could, and for a few more minutes let himself listen to Gabe sleep.
12
Gabe was rolling in a mix of guilty and happy. Guilty because he hadn’t been able to see James for a week and happy because James was sitting across from him now eating a spring roll. He had made it a point to text James at least once a day. He didn’t want James to think for one second that he wasn’t a priority in Gabe’s life, and he did his best to apologize regularly for his negligence.
Truthfully he shouldn’t even be having lunch right now, but he’d rebelled against his own timeline, sneaked out of a back door, and hopped in his car. It was only the memory of having road gravel picked out of his back that kept him from doing ninety in the center lane.
He reached across the table and put his hand over James’. James smiled, but there was something tentative about it. “How are you doing?’
“Fine. Counting down the days.”
“Less than a week to go, isn’t it?”
“Wednesday is graduation. Thursday is his birthday. Thursday afternoon is his party.”
Shit, Gabe thought. “What time is the party?”
“Four thirty. They don’t let you book the picnic ground too late in the day. Park closes at sunset anyway.”
“I’ll try to make it.” Gabe had a bad feeling already that he wouldn’t. “We have a meeting scheduled with the Russian lawyers on Thursday, but with any luck we’ll get that day of negotiations knocked out early. I don’t really know what there is to negotiate. We give them a few billion dollars, they give us a company. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
James gave another tentative smile. “Don’t worry about it. If anything, Dylan will probably be jealous he’s not in those meetings with you.”
Gabe gave James’ hand a squeeze. “Are you going to be okay? I know it’s Dylan’s birthday, but it’s still a big day for you too.”
James took a deep breath. “I’m going to be okay. He’s not moving out for a few months yet. I can kind of slowly ease up on the death grip. I hope.”
“I know all about death grips. The guys keep telling me I need to let go, but I think my hands have just sort of cramped up permanently around the company reins.” James smiled that slightly off smile again, almost like he was scared and trying to hide it. “I’m sure Dylan will be fine. He’s a smart kid and tough, and you’ve raised him right, and he’s going to be a good and responsible adult. I’m sure of it.”
“Thank you. I’ll be fine.”
“I know. I just worry sometimes.”
James’ face gave a strange little twitch, a flash of a frown. “So.” James pulled his hand away. “When are the Russians coming?”
“They’re flying in on Tuesday. We’ll have meetings all day Wednesday and Thursday morning, and hopefully we’ll hand everything off to the international lawyers to look over by Thursday lunch. Friday we’ll be setting up for the third stage, and then there will be vodka, and if all goes well, in mid-August I’ll fly to Moscow to sign the last of the paperwork, spend the long winter getting staff and resources lined up, and we should be breaking ground in the spring. And with a lot of luck, by next summer I’ll get to tell the Chinese mining industry to suck it. And within two Christmases some families in the Rust Belt will be a little merrier when we put some manufacturing plants online.”
James smiled at him. It was a bright, beaming smile, but there was perhaps something a little sad around his eyes. Gabe was going to ask what was wrong again when his phone started to vibrate. “Shit.” It was one of the international lawyers who was on his fifth round of fact checking. If he was calling on a weekend, it couldn’t be good. “I’m sorry, I really need—”
“It’s fine.” James waved him toward the back of the restaurant even as Gabe was answering the phone.
“Hello.” Gabe quickly found himself wishing he hadn’t picked up the phone. Or that he had the same moral ambiguity of the assholes he’d argued with on national TV. Instead he found himself pressing his forehead against the wall in the back of a Thai restaurant because the son of the owner of a company he wanted to buy had been skimming off employee wages and threatening the employees with their jobs if they ever told. Half the money was in a Middle East slush fund that would be hard to get to, and the other half was in the bank accounts of various casinos, drug dealers, and prostitutes. He idly wondered if he could beat down his own sense of ethics long enough to take out a hit on the son. It would make things so much easier
In the end Gabe agreed that it would be best not to bother dealing with the police as it could delay the sale indefinitely. Instead they would put pressure on the owners to get the son out of the picture quickly and get the employees their stolen pay as part of a Christmas bonus or something. It would involve more negotiation, however.
Once Gabe hung up, he forced a smile onto his face and headed back to his table. He hoped the servers hadn’t delayed the food. No reason for James to not eat because of a Russian with a drinking, drug, gambling, and sex problem.
Gabe’s tom kha gai was waiting with James’ larb gai.
“You should have started without me.”
“It wasn’t a bother. Everything okay?”
Gabe spooned some rice into his tom kha. “Every fresh round of due diligence turns up something new. We’ll get there in the end.”
James smiled. “I know you will.”
Gabe did his best to keep up the conversation through lunch and not talk about work. It wasn’t proving easy, not with his brain being all but eaten by international lawyers and Russian property law. And James—there was something up with James that he couldn’t quite figure out, but it was worrying him. James smiled at the right moments, but it never seemed to reach his eyes. He told himself it was probably stress. It was a rough time at work for James, plus Dylan’s graduation was looming. He needed to see if he could talk James into taking a weekend away. Not any place too fancy, but out of town, a step out of their lives for a moment.
The sun was still high, and the afternoon fog had yet to roll in when Gabe parked across the street from James’ building. It had been tempting to drive right past the turnoff and keep going north. They could head up to Napa or Calistoga and get drunk on good wine in a mud pool. Or maybe just hit the coast, then drive along Highway 1 until dark.
He looked over at James, who was staring out the window. “Busy week for both of us coming up, but I was thinking next weekend—”
“No,” James said suddenly without turning around.
“Okay. If you’ve got something on then—”
“No.” This time James did turn around. There was a quiver around his jaw as if he were trying not to cry. “We can’t…. We shouldn’t do this any… I shouldn’t….” And with those fractured words, James jumped from the car, taking long, fast strides toward the security gate.
“Shit.” Gabe leapt from his car and raced after James. “Whatever it is I’m really, really sorry, and I won’t do it again, and please just tell me how I screwed up.”
James didn’t turn around, still a few steps ahead of him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I must have done something.” Gabe caught up as James was punching in his security code. He grabbed James’ arm but quickly dropped it, yanking his hand back, his heart racing. “Please just tell me?”
“You didn’t—”
“It’s the job, isn’t it?” Gabe felt his throat begin to tighten. “I’m sorry, I lose focus, and please let me get through this week, and then I’m all yours. I swear. I’ll shift my schedule. We’ll get out of town—”
“No.” James turned. “I—” Gabe saw James’ mouth begin to form the words Gabe had been dying to hear and should have said first. James swallowed them back down. “You shouldn’t be mine.”
“What?�
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“You do such amazing work.” James swallowed hard a few times. “People depend on you. People’s livelihoods, their lives, their families, depend on TechPrim, and TechPrim is yours, and everyone knows that. That’s where your focus needs to be. What you do is so important to so many people, and it’s going to continue to be important. You should keep your priorities and responsibilities right where they are. Where they need to be. You shouldn’t let yourself become distracted by me and my little life.”
Gabe tried desperately to compute what James was saying. He grabbed for James’ hand. “And leaving me isn’t going be distracting?”
“No,” James whispered before quickly punching in his security code and disappearing behind the gate.
Gabe stood there for a long time. He’ll come back. He loves me, he almost said it, I could tell, he’s just freaking out. He’ll come back, and I’ll say it, and he’ll stop freaking out, and I fucking hate it when Frank is right. Should have said it right off. He loves me. He’ll come back. Maybe this is just a nightmare. I’m exhausted. They get really realistic when I’m exhausted. How would I even know if I was dreaming? Gabe bit his tongue, hard. On the rare occasions he had lucid nightmares, biting his tongue is what woke him up.
And older woman stepped around him carrying mesh grocery bags. The distinctive smell of fresh concha bread wafted up.
“Is the intercom not working again?” the woman asked. “I can let you through. I’m sure James is in this time of day.”
“No,” Gabe answered, despite an urge to bang on James’ door and demand a better explanation. “I called,” he lied. “We’re meeting later.”
Gabe rushed back to his car, still half hoping it was a dream. Oh please let us meet later.
Inside his head James was screaming. It was a loud, long, pointless scream that soon became little more than white noise. The scream in his head was still going strong as he climbed the stairs, put the key in the lock, and opened the door.
“Hey, Dad.” Dylan was on the couch with a history book.
“Hey.” James could not handle anything beyond the most basic verbal communication at that moment.
Dylan popped up from the couch. “What the hell happened?”
“Nothing,” he mumbled, heading directly toward his bedroom.
“Bullshit.”
“Don’t cuss.” James was amazed he was able to form any words with the screaming in his head.
“You’re crying.”
“I’m not.” James wasn’t actually sure if that was a lie.
“What the fuck did Gabe do!”
“Nothing.”
“Dad, tell me what he did. I’m going to call him and—”
“No! Leave him alone. He has to work. It’s important.”
It’s important, it’s important, James repeated to himself. There are priorities. He doesn’t need me and my—
“Is that what he told you?” Dylan yelled. “Because if he used that as a lame-ass excuse—”
“I have a headache.” That wasn’t a lie. The back of his head was throbbing like he’d cracked it on something. “I think I’ll lie down for a bit.” Dylan tried to get in front of him, but he pushed past.
James walked down the hall to his room and sat on the bed. It squeaked. He put his hands over his ears as if that would somehow stop the screaming.
Gabe wasn’t listening. Some lawyer was talking at him. It was one of his own lawyers. There were also people from some other department in the meeting. He looked down at his notes. There were faxed and photocopied pages of Cyrillic with English translations handwritten under each line. He could barely read some of it. He bit down hard on his tongue and held it there. Nothing changed. That meant he was awake.
He glanced down at his phone. There were no messages. Nothing, despite a series of begging and apologetic messages he’d left for James when he’d gotten home on Saturday. Not that he had any faith those would help. After all, what do you say to a person who claims they would rather you focus on work?
He’d waited all weekend for a call or text or e-mail. The best he’d gotten was Dylan yelling at him. That had only stopped when he admitted he loved James. He had hoped that message would get passed along and he’d get something in return, but there was nothing.
He thumbed the map icon. James hadn’t turned off the GPS on his phone. He possibly didn’t even know it was a feature. A little picture of James’ smiling face, flush with champagne, hovered over the UC Berkley campus. He knew what he was doing was weird, creepy, and maybe stalkerish, but he couldn’t help it and didn’t try to justify it.
He started on a text even as the lawyer droned on.
Is it someone else? I miss you already. You make me happy, did you know that? Do you really think you are that easy to forget or ignore? If there is someone else, please tell me. I want to know you’re happy. I love you.
Some lawyer cleared his throat. Gabe looked up and hit delete on the message instead of send.
Tamyra dropped a legal pad on his desk filled with her clean and bold handwriting. “Here, you can borrow my notes since you’ve obviously checked the fuck out.”
“Sorry.” Gabe had barely slept the previous night, his brain refusing to settle down, fighting contradictory information and creating horrible, convoluted plans for winning James back or justifying letting him go. The second one was starting to win. Experience had taught him that when someone chucked you out of their life, it was often safer to just go.
“Did you and James fight or something?”
“He left me,” Gabe blurted out.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing!” Gabe shouted. “I didn’t do anything. I… I was as attentive as possible, I respected his limits and choices, I respected the fuck out of him. I did my best.” Gabe took a deep breath. “He walked away from me. He said he didn’t want to distract me. That too many people relied on what I did, and he didn’t want to take me away from that.”
“And you bought that?”
Gabe laughed to keep from crying and pressed his forehead to his desk. “He was about to say he loved me. I could tell, and I should have listened to Frank and said it first and—” Gabe yanked himself up. “Sorry.” He dragged a long breath through his teeth, gave himself a couple of hard mental slaps, then a physical one. “I’ll get my head back in the game. I’ll learn these notes. We’re going to be fine. We’re going to be fine, right?” He was pretty sure Tamyra would have at least elbowed him in the side if the meeting had been to tell him the deal had fallen through.
“We’re going to be fine.” Tamyra’s voice was soft and steady, like a teacher calming a student. Gabe knew he was in trouble. “Virtually everything is settled, and I’m riding herd on the packs of lawyers. They’re going to dig their heels in about a few things, but the odds of them walking away from the table are minimal.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now have you begged James to take you back yet?”
“He’s not answering my calls, but I’ve left a lengthy and very pathetic phone message. I’m waiting for a reply.”
At that moment Gabe’s office phone rang. He yanked it off the cradle, not bothering to check the caller ID. “James?”
“Gabriel.”
Gabe’s heart sank. “Hi, Mom. What do you need?”
James came home to the smell of soup on the stove. It smelled like minestrone. There must have been a couple of cans in the cupboard.
Dylan came out from the kitchen. “Hey, Dad, I heated up some soup. Want some?”
“I’m not really hungry.” In truth he hadn’t eaten all day.
“Have you called Gabe back?”
James shook his head.
“You’re both idiots. Come eat some soup.”
Gabe’s phone beeped with a message from Dylan.
You are both intractable idiots. Why aren’t you begging him to come back?
“Because I already did, and he made his feelings on where my focus should
be very clear when he walked away to begin with, and I’m trying to respect that,” Gabe said aloud, to his empty office. His phone beeped again. This time it was from Tamyra, reminding him of a conference call he needed to dial into now.
Another message came in.
My party is still on Thursday. You are still invited.
James twisted his phone around as he lay in his too-small bed, staring at the celling. He wondered if he should give the phone back. He was pretty sure that’s what people did when they broke up: return the expensive gifts. But then the phone hadn’t really been expensive. Gabe had probably gotten it for free.
He’d done some research, and in fact TechPrim had owed him a new phone. If it happened to be hand-delivered by the CFO of the company, who basically begged him to take it, then that was just the way it was.
He turned it on with a swipe of his thumb, the small screen illuminating the dark room. The background image was the one of himself and Gabe taken at the TechPrim birthday party. An official photographer for the evening had approached, and Gabe had swung an arm low around James’ waist and pulled him close before smiling at the camera.
He looked through the gallery section for another picture to use as a background. He settled on a preloaded sunset. He’d left the picture of himself and Gabe up on his desktop at work, but that was only so his team didn’t get suspicious. At least that’s what he told himself.
13
Gabe was exhausted, and it was bothering him. He’d done more on far less sleep, and it hadn’t hit him a fraction as hard compared to how he was feeling now. He flipped through the proposal document Tamyra had written, for the millionth time. Some of the dollar amounts had changed over the recent months, and there were a couple of new clauses, thanks to information the due-diligence guys had turned up, but it remained basically unchanged.
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