by Amanda Heath
I sigh knowing she’s right. “Let them stare. If they say anything, just hand them their ass. You’re good at that kind of thing.” When she doesn’t reply I look over at her. I find her staring at me with wide eyes. “What? You’ve got that whole verbal smack down thing going on. I’m scared to piss you off because you might make me cry to my momma.”
Rachel bursts out laughing. “Well, with your mother, she just might end up laughing at you. That woman has lost her marbles.” After she says this, I realize it’s something I really like about her. Even knowing we’re talking about my mother, she’s talking smack and doesn’t care that I know. And what she said might be a little harsh but my mother has lost her marbles.
I come around to the front of the car and grab her hand. “What do you have first period?”
“Physics. Thank the lord we are almost out of here. That class gives me a huge-ass headache.” I laugh and squeeze her hand while pulling her up the front steps. “What do you have?”
“English. I don’t show up half the time. Mrs. Patterson will probably be shocked I show up at all.” I open the front door and hold it open for Rachel. I let her hand go, so I’m surprised when I walk into her after closing the door. Her face is kind of pale and her lips are parted like she just dropped her mouth open. “Are you that shocked I skip class? You and Wes do it all the time.”
She shakes her head before throwing her arms around my shoulders. Her lips crash into mine for a second before pulling back and grinning up at me. “I just realized you are the most perfect male ever. Even my brother couldn’t find it in him to open and hold the door for me.”
I put my hands on her hips and walk her backward. “It’s just a door Rach, not the Taj Mahal,” I mutter, feeling slightly embarrassed that the manners my mother taught me are sliding in when it comes to Rachel. I didn’t ever hold a door open for Annabella. Or that could have been because Annabella walked ahead of everyone else like she thought she was better.
Bitch.
“I know. It’s the little things that make the world go round. I don’t need big gestures or public displays. I just need the little things.” She kisses me softly again before breaking away from me. “And you are full of the little things.”
I find a stupid big smile cross my face at her words. I’m glad to hear she doesn’t need big gestures and whatever. She’s never getting them from me. I’m not into showing my affection where everyone can see and hear my feelings. They are only for her.
When we come to the office, we don’t even go in to sign in. I just look in the window and wave at Joelle, the sweet, older black woman who runs it. She gives me a thumbs up and leans down on her desk to write our names in.
“You have the office lady on your team? Wow, I’m impressed. That lady is meaner than a snake.” I just give her a grin. Rachel loops her arm through mine and we start back down the hallway. Musty lockers and cleaning chemicals fill my nose, but I’m used to it. This hallway always smells bad. When we reach the place where you either have to go left or go right, Rachel kisses my cheek and walks backward down the left side. “See you at lunch, sugar.”
***
By the time lunch rolls around I’m ready to go home. Rachel was right this morning. No one has been staring at me or talking about it near me. In fourth period Spanish, which I share with Paisley and Wes, Wes said the student population has been giving Rachel a hard time. The biggest rumor is, I called her a liar and want nothing to do with the kid.
That just pissed me off.
Everyone gave me an even wider berth after that. The rage rolling around in my body has been seeping out, covering everything around me. They can smell it in the air and know better than to fuck with me today.
I’m one of the last ones in the cafeteria because I forgot my wallet in my car. I sure as hell can’t eat without money. I don’t look at anyone, just head to the closest line and take in the smell of meatloaf and cheeseburgers. I’ll give you one guess as to what I bought.
I head over to where I’ve been sitting since Annabella took off, because even though Wes sat with Royal, Annabella and I still sat with my football buddies. After she left, I didn’t have it in me to sit there anymore. Our two chairs still sit empty, like we might return someday.
Not likely.
Today, when I reach Channing’s table, which is how I’ve thought of it for as long as I can remember, I find the seat next to Rachel empty, which is unusual. Kellan usually sits there, but I don’t see the dude anywhere.
“He isn’t here today. Which is sad, but better for him. I’m going rip out that fuckers spine when I see him again,” Channing grits out, stopping by me.
I smirk at him and pat the guy on the back with my free hand. “As long as I’m there, I don’t care what you do to him. I get a shot too though.”
Channing smirks at me, “Deal.” Then he walks ahead and sits next to Paisley, the redhead beaming up at him. I never thought I’d see the day when Channing got whipped. Not that it’s a bad thing, because Paisley is one hell of a catch.
“Hey, G,” I say to Rachel when I sit down next to her.
She looks up and meets my eyes before declaring, “Please don’t beat anybody up. You have four weeks until we get out of this hellhole. I don’t need you to get suspended or expelled before you graduate.” She looks away from me and eyes Royal, who is across from me, and then Channing, who is on the other side of her. “Any of you.”
“I’m not going to beat up anybody, babe. At least not on school grounds.” I lean over and place a kiss on her neck just because I want to. “You should be worried about Channing though. He’s got a thought process I’m kind of scared of.”
I take in her flushed cheeks as she looks at me. Her eyes are wide and filled with stars. “You’re going to give me a heart attack. Stop it,” she whines with a smile on her bow shaped lips.
I feel one side of my lips tip up before I reply. “I’m not going to stop. Get used to it.” I wink at her.
“Is it just me or have we entered the Twilight Zone?” Paisley blurts out her question, looking at Wes who has her eyes on me.
I stare back at her trying to figure out why she looks like that. Then she starts crying. “I like this Twilight Zone. We should move to it,” she sobs, turning her face into Royal’s shoulder.
“Duchess, you have got to stop crying. Pierce is going to think you’ve lost your mind,” he whispers loud enough for all of us to hear in the crowded cafeteria.
“Court, what is she crying about?” Rachel inquires, her hand landing on my thigh. I feel my right hand drop down to wrap my fingers around hers.
Wes starts crying louder before getting up from the table and running off toward the bathrooms. Royal starts to stand to go after her. I gently untangle my fingers from Rachel’s and get up too. “I got it Royal. It’s about me, anyway.” Royal glowers at me, but stays standing at the table as I go after my cousin.
There is one bathroom on this side of the school and luckily it only has a toilet and sink, so the door locks and I don’t have to worry about anyone being in there besides Wes. I knock before trying the knob. It’s unlocked, so I push open the door and find her sitting on the toilet, her head in her hands. “Wes, there’s no need to get all upset on my account.”
She looks up at me with her blonde hair framing her face and tears falling from her eyes. “I told them, you know. I told them Annabella was going to destroy you. I told them you wouldn’t be able to move on from her. That you wouldn’t be able to love anyone else ever again, because she was it for you.” A choked sob comes out of her mouth.
I shut the door and stride over to her. I gently pick her up and sit down on the toilet. I put her down in my lap and it might seem funny to you, but Wes is tiny. The poor girl has to weigh one hundred pounds soaking wet. “Why does that have you upset now?” I rock her back and forth. I feel guilt eat at my insides as I remember all the times I saw dried tears on her face after Trey died. I should have done this then. I should have don
e it every time.
“I’m crying happy tears, you idiot!” she exclaims, her face coming up to face mine. “I’m so fucking happy I was wrong! I know you’re not in love with Rachel, but you already look happier than you ever did before her. And you were touching her and kissing her and she called you Court. Even I don’t call you Court. You’re not a Courtney, you’re a Pierce. My Pierce. You’re all grown up now, and I’m just so happy to see it.” She sobs one more time, her face falling to my shoulder.
I really want to laugh but that doesn’t seem like the right response. “You can call me Court if you want Wes. I never stopped you. Annabella’s the one who decided I was Pierce. I’ve never had a problem with Courtney. Annabella did.”
Wes suddenly stands up and glares down at me. “What? Are you freaking kidding me right now? That bitch! You just wait until I get my hands on her! I can’t believe you let her control your life so much. I know you loved her, but damn.”
I shrug my shoulders, having found my peace with it. “Wes, the second Rachel said that kid is mine and not Kellan’s, I put Annabella behind me. Nothing else matters except for Rachel and my kid. She can’t touch this. She can’t control this. And it might all be because of Annabella, but it’s also the most amazing thing she ever gave me.”
Wes starts running her hands down her face, clearing the tears. Her skin is smooth and flawless so the girl doesn’t have to wear any makeup. “You’ve grown up a lot these past three days. I’m proud of you.”
I stand up and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “I’m proud of you, too. I never thought I’d see the day when you cried about something other than Trey. Not that those tears were bad, but they were holding you back.”
“I know what you mean. I told Royal once, I never wanted to cry again. I’ll allow it this time, because they are happy tears and they are for you. I’ll cry for you whenever I want.” She laughs and grabs my hand. “Okay, I’m fine now. Let’s go back to lunch. I’m sure you’re hungry.”
I nod and bend down to kiss the top of her head. “You got it, Wes.”
When the door opens, it’s to see the concerned faces of Royal, Rachel, Channing and Paisley. “I’m fine guys. They were happy tears, I swear.”
Rachel breaks away from the pack and wraps her arms around Wes’s shoulders. “If I had known Court and I would make you that happy, I would have gone after him a lot sooner.” She lifts her eyes to mine before she winks. I can’t help the smile that graces my lips.
***
“Tell me how much you want me…”
I sit up in my desk in my sixth period Health class. I really should have taken this class my freshman year because it’s that boring. If I had done what I wanted to do, instead of listening to Annabella, then I wouldn’t be here right now. I also wouldn’t be falling asleep and hearing her voice haunting me in my dreams.
As more time passes, I find myself remembering Annabella without my rose-colored glasses. I think Wes’s words in the bathroom knocked something loose in me. I started figuring out how controlling Annabella was, even before I was with her. She’s been that way all our lives. She had me following her around like a lovesick puppy and making me think it was my idea.
It’s one of those things that gives you cold chills down your spine. Never in my life would I want to be controlled like that. And looking back, it makes me sick because of all the pathetic shit I did. Who follows someone blindly like that? This tool.
Looking back, I wonder if she made me a bad person. I would have been angry at Channing, but I wouldn’t have started a full out war with the guy. I remember Annabella now, always standing behind me, whispering things into my fucking ear like a goddamn devil. Which means Wes was always my angel. Because I remember her being there too, but her words were soothing and not harsh.
I’ve always been the kind of guy who didn’t put up with anyone’s shit, but I sure as hell put up with Annabella’s shit. I want to go back over my thoughts all those years and figure out what the hell I was thinking. Maybe that would clear this shit up. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought I had my shit together and I wouldn’t let some bitch walk all over me.
But she was Annabella.
Annabella, who stood on the hood of my car in the rain and sang every word to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. She was free in that moment, while her clothes stuck to her soaked skin and her eyes were bright, full of a light she rarely had in her eyes. That’s all Annabella wanted, to be free.
Annabella, who bought me Dallas Cowboy’s tickets for my birthday last year and went to the game with me even though she hates football. I can remember those times with fondness. She had wanted to make me happy then. She had wanted me to forget, because my birthday every year is a world of pain.
But my favorite Annabella is the one who laid under me and told me she loved me. Hurt sinks deep into my bones when I think about it. I can still see her, plain as day, her honey colored eyes shining with her love for me. And I think at that moment she really did love me. That Annabella wasn’t hiding her true self from me. She wasn’t holding all her secrets close and not letting me near them. She wanted me to see the real her, for one split second.
I could sit here and name all the reasons I loved that bitch, but I know you don’t want to hear them. By this point, you either hate me for all that I’ve done, or you’re going, “Poor Pierce!,” which you shouldn’t be. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I have to live with what I have done to get the things I wanted. And the saddest truth in all this is I never really got it anyway. I’m here now with nothing I wanted.
But in my heart, I know I want Rachel because Rachel is nothing like Annabella. Rachel doesn’t hide who she is; Rachel doesn’t lie to me or play games with me. She tells me how it is and what’s going to go down. It’s natural to be with her, if you haven’t noticed. We fit together inside and outside of bed like we were made to be together. She doesn’t cause me headaches and heartache. She stands beside me instead of in front of me. She treats me like an equal.
I’m not beneath her notice.
Nothing has ever felt this good before. Nothing will ever feel this good because there isn’t another Rachel. And that’s where Wes has been wrong all these years. Annabella never had the power to destroy me because I never had the real, whole, Annabella. I only had the fake bitch one. Rachel though, if we really truly go anywhere in this relationship, she could destroy me. I’m already used to her being around and it’s only been three days. I look forward to waking up with her and falling asleep at night next to her.
What is stranger still is the fact that I can’t wait to see her get round carrying my kid. I can’t wait to put up with crazy pregnancy symptoms or the many doctor’s appointments I’ll have to take her to. But most of all, I can’t wait to see what we created. I can’t wait to see the kid because I know whether it be a boy or a girl, the baby will look like Rachel. And that’s going to be the most gorgeous child…ever.
The bell ringing has me jerking my head up because I totally fell asleep again. Thankfully, this time I didn’t dream of Annabella. I walk past my friend Nathan and slap him on the head. His blonde head rises and his grey eyes glare at me. “Bro, you are an ass,” he mumbles at me, half his face red from being pressed against the desk.
“Well, it’s not my fault you’ll sleep through anything. It’s time to get to seventh period.” I start to walk off but he stops me by calling my name.
“You up for skating tonight?” He grabs his pen, which is the only item he ever brings to class and walks up beside me.
I scratch my face and think on that. I’ve known Nathan for as long as I can remember. We’ve gone to the same school all our lives. Before seventh grade I didn’t think much of him until we found each other in a skate store. I’ve been skateboarding since I was eight and Nathan has been boarding for even longer. My mother bought our house for the exact reason that the backyard was big enough for a mini skate park. So, I invited him over and the rest is history. Every
once in awhile he comes over to the house and skates with me. And we haven’t skated since before Annabella left.
“I’m going to be at Rachel’s tonight. And before you give me that face, you know about that. So don’t even try to ask me about it. Come by soon. I’ll order the pizza and you can hear all my bullshit, because we all know you like to gossip.” I smack him on the back of the head and head down the hall to my seventh period class.
“Kay, bro!” I hear Nathan yell.
I say seventh period class, but really it’s a free period, where they make a bunch of seniors sit because we can’t leave early. By this time, most of us have more than enough credits to graduate. What’s even funnier is this class has Channing, Paisley, Royal and Wes in it. It used to have Annabella in it, too. Also, Kellan and Paisley’s cousin Brody, and his girlfriend, Lola are here. Plus, the Natasha girl who slept with Kellan. This should be fun.
The room holds several round tables with leather chairs around them. I used to sit at the back one with Annabella and Wes, but Wes and I have since moved to Channing’s table. This is where I find my baby momma and my cousin saving me a seat between them.
When I sit down Rachel lays her head on my shoulder and passes out. This seems to be a theme among our little group because Wes passes out on Royal and Paisley passes out on Channing. And since we are all pussy whipped, we sit there the whole period not doing anything or even talking.
I’m glad to be out of there when the period finally ends and I guide Rachel out to my car. I put her bag in my trunk this morning, along with some clothes for me for tomorrow. When we pull up outside her house, she picks up the dirty dish from the floorboard and I tell her to go inside, I have the bags.
When I enter, I’m attacked by a little black furry ball. The little thing jumps up and down on my foot. I don’t want to move because I’m afraid I’m going to kick it by accident. The thing only has to weigh two pounds and I’m pretty sure it’s a dog, with a black collar with spikes on it.