The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  Kabir peered up at her from the papers. He placed the papers down on the table.

  She took a deep breath and a tight expression appeared on her face. “I have liver failure now. The alcoholism accelerated the cancer.”

  “What does that mean, liver failure?” he asked in a low voice.

  He remembered her words, she always said that she can’t be with him, not that she didn’t want to. She physically couldn’t now.

  She looked at the ground. “You're a doctor, Kabir. You're smart. You know what it means.”

  “Say it,” he demanded, his tone loud.

  Elif took a deep breath as her eyes welled up. “The doctors have concluded I don’t have much time to live... Three months is the maximum.”

  Your drinking will be your downfall.

  Do you realize alcohol can cause liver failure?

  You’re one step away from death.

  These words Kabir had previously spoken to Elif will haunt him for the rest of his life.

  “Is it so surprising? Come on, I’m a drunk, addicted to alcohol, and I have liver failure. It’s kind of funny.” She tried to laugh, but the laughter didn't reach her eyes.

  Kabir inhaled deeply trying to process this new information. He glanced at Elif and just stared at her for a few minutes. He took in her disheveled hair, her pink cheeks, and her swollen eyes. She looked aged from the last time he saw her.

  “You knew this whole time about this, and you didn’t tell me?” His voice was shaky and uneven. Iit was laced with heartbreak.

  “You don’t even answer your phone,” Elif replied. “I wanted to tell you the last night we spoke, but you were so upset.”

  Kabir looked down at the floor in guilt and shame. He remembered her trying to tell him, but he was too angry and he had left her standing there. “I didn’t even know you had cancer in the first place.”

  “I had a hard time realizing the truth. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. You’re the first person I have told. My aunt still doesn’t know,” Elif said sadly, trying to smile but failing.

  Kabir looked everywhere but at her. He clenched his fists until he realized one of his nails had pierced his skin, and he was bleeding.

  Usually, Elif was the one bleeding.

  “If you knew you had liver cancer, why did you drink so much?” he asked her.

  Elif looked at him. “I didn’t have much to live for. Booze wasn’t something I wanted to give up. I was still in grief about Isaah, and then I had a new issue. Booze helped me cope.”

  “What about surgery? They can’t do surgery?” Kabir asked.

  “No.” She shook her head. “There’s not much liver left to save. The liver is inoperable. There’s an option for a liver transplant, I’m on the waiting list, but my turn may never come. I’ve accepted that.”

  “Maybe I can do the surgery. I can go back and practice—”

  “I'm dying, Kabir. I can't escape death this time,” Elif interrupted him softly.

  I've escaped death twice now.

  Kabir remembered her previous words.

  He tried to take in what she confessed to him. He remembered she wasn’t eating well. She had a loss of appetite. She was skinnier due to her weight loss, and she had told him she was feeling tired. She didn’t drink like she used to before. Elif was trying to control her drinking after her new diagnosis. She had mood swings, she was warming up to him one second, then she was cold.

  He frowned.

  All the signs were there, he realized. But I missed them. I thought it’s because she was still a little depressed.

  “I’ve never felt less of a doctor in my life,” he admitted.

  He moved away from his seat and took a few steps to where she was. He stood over Elif, and she looked up at him in return. He wrapped his arms around her as she leaned into him crying softly. He didn’t realize how much time he had spent holding her, maybe minutes or hours.

  He wasn’t sure if this time, he was comforting her or she was comforting him instead.

  Chapter 45

  Elif stopped visiting Kabir’s bar after telling him about her diagnosis. It had been weeks since her last visit nor did she travel out of her apartment. She had confined herself to her apartment walls. She limited herself to two drinks per day before trying to stop completely. It was hard for her to control her alcohol, and she was in withdrawal.

  Alcohol addiction was a severe illness, and she was trying to overcome it. Over the past three years, alcohol had taken over her life, consuming her. It became the higher power taking over her life. Fighting it was difficult and painful.

  Kabir was there for her through every step.

  The first thing he did when he entered her apartment was rummage through her things. He tried to find every bottle that she might have hidden, and then he emptied them out.

  She asked in surprise, “What the hell, Kabir?” She tried to snatch the bottle away from him, but he kept it a distance away from her.

  “Give me that,” she ordered.

  “No,” he replied firmly.

  “At least let me keep one bottle.”

  “No.”

  He noticed her sad expression.

  “An alcoholic only needs one drink to relapse. We need to get rid of all the booze,” he said gently.

  She pouted, crossing her arms above her chest before admitting defeat.

  Kabir managed to empty out ten bottles around the house. “Do you have any hidden ones?” he asked her.

  She grinned at him and placed a finger in front of her lips.

  He sighed. “Tell me, Elif.”

  “No,” she said firmly this time.

  Kabir rolled his eyes at her, tousling his hair.

  Elif couldn’t go for more than a couple of hours without feeling withdrawal symptoms. She had hot flashes, sweats, and shakes. Sometimes, she would awaken during the night craving more alcohol. During the hard nights, Kabir stayed over.

  “Can you sleep in my bed?” Elif asked in a small voice.

  He looked at her in surprise. She noticed he was torn and indecisive. She could tell a part of him wanted to say yes, but the other part of him was afraid of the inferno it could bring.

  It's too much to ask from him, she thought.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I can take the couch,” he replied.

  She frowned in disappointment.

  Elif didn’t argue back with Kabir’s answer.

  Sometimes, she felt so alone when she was sleeping. She wished he would sleep next to her. She knew if she explained why, he would understand. At the last thought, she fell asleep in a dreamless sleep as darkness consumed her.

  ❖

  Elif’s hands would begin to sweat so much, and she began to lose her appetite. She was unable to eat full meals, and she began to lose weight rapidly. Often, she lost unconsciousness, only to have withdrawal symptoms again in the morning.

  Her mornings began with violent vomiting, as Kabir held her hair back from her face.

  “Where am I going to find a man who holds my hair while I vomit?” She looked up at him, wiping the vomit from her mouth.

  Kabir watched her with genuine concern.

  “Your wife will be a lucky woman,” she added before turning away from him and vomiting again.

  “I imagined you as my wife,” he said in a small voice.

  Elif turned sharply toward him. The sudden movement made her dizzy, and she had to hold onto the toilet seat. She stared at him, at his confession, his heart on his sleeve.

  “We’re having a moment while I’m throwing up. That’s so not romantic,” she joked.

  Kabir grinned at her.

  After she had vomited everything, she was often so severely dehydrated that she couldn’t even stand so Kabir made sure to give her plenty of apple juice and water.

  “Can I get Red Bull instead?” she asked him one day.

  “Fine.”

  He avoided anything else that could have alcohol in it and refused to give it
to her. He avoided giving her alcohol-tainted products such as mouthwash, breath strips, and even hair sprays.

  He couldn’t risk anything.

  It was a painful process as her body began detoxing to clear the alcohol from her bloodstream. She began to have intense carbs and sugar cravings. For the next two weeks, she slept less but ate plenty of fruits and bread to satisfy her cravings.

  ❖

  One night, as Elif slept, she felt as if she was desperately trying to wake up but she couldn’t. She wanted to scream for help but she couldn't.

  One second, she had her eyes closed, the next second she was screaming.

  This time out loud.

  She was awake now, adrenaline pumping through her body. She felt so afraid. She thought her heart might explode, and her eyes widened with fear. Her brain felt shot as she looked around her surroundings and realized she was inside her bedroom.

  Her breath quickened as she heard the door being pushed open, and a figure stood in the darkness. Sweat trickled down her neck, and she felt terrified. Heavy footsteps ran toward her, and the lamp next to her turned on. She squinted against the light and covered her eyes with a hand. Her eyes were throbbing against the sudden light. Her breaths were heavy, her body felt hot, and her white pajamas were soaked in sweat.

  Kabir was in front of her with a worried expression.

  She let out a sigh of relief.

  “Another nightmare?” he asked quietly.

  She nodded as she clasped her hands together. They were trembling. “Could you sleep with me tonight?” she asked him.

  He was silent as she looked up at him. “Please, I need you.”

  He took a sharp intake of breath, and after some hesitation, he nodded. He asked her to scoot over, and he laid down next to her.

  She wrapped his arms around his chest and laid her head on it. She heard his heartbeat quickened with her around. She felt guilty for asking him of this. She knew she should leave him alone, but she found comfort in him. She knew it was selfish.

  “I’m sorry,” Elif said in a quiet voice.

  Kabir was running his fingers through her hair, rubbing her forehead repeatedly. His fingers stopped moving when she spoke. She couldn’t see him from below, but she imagined his eyes were narrowed, and he was confused. “Why are you sorry?”

  “For always taking from you,” she replied sadly, and took a deep breath. “And not giving anything back.”

  He was silent for a few moments. Those moments of silence felt like minutes, possibly hours as Elif waited for his reply.

  “I let you take from me,” he finally said.

  “I always take advantage,” she said clutching his t-shirt.

  He laughed silently. “My Red, you kind of do but it’s okay.” Elif’s breathing quickened, and her heart began to race.

  “I would hug you right now, but I’m probably filthy.”

  She felt Kabir smile against her hair. “True. You’re kinda disgusting.”

  Elif elbowed him.

  He laughed and continued saying, “You’re already wrapped around me, and your natural scent smells like the ocean. It gives a peaceful, calm feeling.”

  Elif turned around to face him fully, her arms nestling against her chest, and her hands were underneath her head. “Half of the time you’re so anxious around me,” she said.

  “I am. Your personality makes me anxious, but your scent is soothing.”

  “So you secretly like smelling me?” she asked.

  He grinned at her.

  “You smell like spring,” she admitted. “Like a fresh morning.”

  “Glad to know I’m not the only one sniffing around,” he joked.

  Elif poked him in the cheek before he grabbed her finger. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close toward him.

  She watched as he fell asleep before she did.

  ❖

  The next morning, Kabir caught Elif trying to drink booze again.

  His eyes widened at the sight of her. “What in the world do you think you’re doing?”

  “I needed a quick fix,” she said, raising the drink to gulp it down.

  He knocked the bottle out of her hands, and it crashed on the wooden floor, splattering and littering all over the marble floor. The glass looked like a thousand small daggers. Elif was surprised at his strength.

  He stared at her angrily, and she felt so small in front of him. “I thought I threw everything out. Where did you find this?” he asked, angrily.

  Elif remained silent, refusing to give away the truth.

  He kept on staring at her dead in the eye as it dawned on him that she still had some bottles hidden. He sighed and said, “Go get me all the bottles you’re hiding.”

  She didn’t move from the spot she was standing in.

  His eyes flashed, burning holes through her skin. “Elif. Now.”

  She quickly obeyed him and ran squirming to find her hidden bottles. He shook his head and began cleaning up the mess that was left behind.

  She returned with four hidden bottles.

  Kabir was shocked and narrowed his eyes at her. “Where the hell have you been hiding this?” he asked.

  She shrugged, smiling sheepishly at him.

  He took the bottles from her hands and emptied them out one by one at the kitchen sink. Elif stared at the liquid being poured out, and her breath hitched. It was painful to look at, she felt as if her life was being poured out of her.

  Kabir was watching her reaction. “You don’t need alcohol as your drug anymore. You have me, your new healthy drug,” he said jokingly.

  Elif looked at him and laughed. “Is that supposed to be romantic?”

  “Shut up,” he replied.

  “Since when do you talk like that?” Elif asked, surprised.

  Kabir grinned. “I’m learning to be more outspoken. I learned it from the best.”

  Elif pouted, as she crossed her trembling arms across her chest. The effects of the withdrawal were still present. “I like shy Kabir,” she said.

  “So you can bully me?” he asked.

  She looked up surprised, her eyes squinting at him. “I don’t bully you. Do I?” Her eyes in wonder now.

  Kabir shook his head and kissed her forehead. “You’re a very strong, dominating, and powerful woman,” he said passionately.

  Elif giggled under him.

  A mischievous grin played on his face. “But you look very weak and fragile right now. I feel if I tickle you, you would collapse,” he added.

  Elif paused at his statement and then the realization hit in. She began laughing in surprise, and moved backward saying, “No, no, no!”

  He grinned and moved toward her. “I’m the tickle monster.” Then he began tickling her stomach. She wrapped her arms around him to avoid his touch, but it was too late. She collapsed to the floor laughing, her legs buckling under her.

  ❖

  Kabir was already at Elif’s apartment when the doorbell rang.

  “I’ll get it,” he said to her. He unlocked the doorbell, and he was surprised to see Aryan there holding chocolates.

  “I didn’t know what gift to bring a recovering alcoholic,” Aryan said, shrugging.

  Kabir laughed and stepped aside letting him in. He had told Aryan about Elif’s diagnosis recently.

  “You look like you made yourself at home,” Aryan said as he took in Kabir’s pajamas and white t-shirt.

  “Shut up.”

  Elif heard the commotion in the hallway. Her face brightened at the sight of Aryan.

  “Hi!” she said with giddiness before reaching out to take the chocolates from his hand. “I’ll take these first, thank you,” she said, placing the chocolates on the table.

  Aryan smiled at her reaction, before pulling her in for a hug.

  “How are you doing?” he asked.

  She shrugged. “I’m managing. Kabir’s helping me,” she said with a smile, turning to look at Kabir.

  Aryan chuckled. “Doesn’t he always?”
<
br />   Elif playfully punched him in the shoulder.

  She asked him to have a seat. Her broken coffee table and her broken television were nowhere to be seen in sight. Kabir had thrown them out.

  “I’m not sure what to say to a person who is dying,” Aryan said abruptly. Kabir looked sharply at him, his lips stretched into a grim line.

  Aryan shrugged at him.

  A sound of laughter filled the room. Kabir turned toward the sound and Elif was laughing. She wasn’t laughing awkwardly nor was she uncomfortable, but she was laughing joyfully.

  Like the way she laughs.

  Her voice was like the laughter that he had fallen in love with.

  “I’m glad you’re here. You always know what to say,” she said wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes.

  Aryan grinned at her. His cheeks were slightly pink.

  Kabir laughed at him blushing.

  Even Elif got to him, he thought amazed.

  “You don’t drink booze anymore?” Aryan asked, surprised.

  “No,” she replied, shaking her head. “I stopped. I’m still in recovery.”

  His eyebrows raised up. “That’s a pretty big achievement. Congrats to sobriety.”

  She smiled at him.

  “Well, the bar lost a pretty valuable customer,” Aryan said, shrugging.

  Kabir shot a sharp glance at him again.

  Elif laughed abruptly again, her laughter breaking the tension in the room. Kabir realized Aryan was purposefully trying to make Elif smile. His muscles relaxed, and he backed down. He joined in the laughter then as a smile broke out on his face. He gazed at Elif and wished this moment could stay with him forever.

  Chapter 46

  Kabir stopped by Elif’s apartment after a quick errand.

  She was doing better, so he moved back to his own house. The apartment looked different in the sunlight from the time he first dropped her home. It hit the grey building, a shine reflecting off of it. He rang the doorbell, but there was no answer.

  He wondered, where is she?