by Beena Khan
Stop visiting my grave every day.
Go back to New York.
Keep reading.
Keep praying.
Stay close with Aryan, you’ll need him. Maybe Samar too.
Don’t touch booze.
Confront Wafa. Get closure.
Apologize to that patient’s family.
Practice surgery again.
Reach out to Nadia.
Fall in love again.
Open your own practice one day.
It might seem like a lot, but I’m no longer there. This can guide you, like you have guided me. I’m leaving behind a $100,000 check for Aryan as well. Tell him to look for Aanaah again and don’t give up. Someone should have a happy ending. There have been too many losses already.
Kabir, you have to stay strong, and you will heal again. You will love again too, and that’s coming from a drunken lunatic like me who was capable of it. I'm requesting you to accept this small gift as a token of gratitude for always being my support and my companion in life.
I've found my peace, I hope you find yours.
May we meet again.
Felan,
Elif
Kabir was silent as he read the letter. He looked inside the envelope and he found the checks.
The wind felt chilly against his wet face. He took a deep breath as he took out the vodka bottle and the book he was carrying. His worries began to slowly fade away, and he felt a rush of emotions. He stared up at the sky as he momentarily forgot about his pain and loss. Tonight, he felt protected under the million stars and the beautiful moon.
“I began reading a book, it's called The Gaze by Elif Shafak. I brought your favorite drink, vodka...no, I don’t drink. I imagined if you were here you would be saying, cheers to me,” he said smiling, his eyes glistening.
He continued, “You know, you will always be my favorite drunk, lunatic.”
Kabir’s gaze dropped down to Elif’s grave.
“I miss you every day and I love you.”
Somewhere behind him, he felt a breeze as if someone stood behind him. He felt a raindrop on his forehead. Kabir closed his eyes as the rain began to pour. It reminded him of the rainy, winter, November night Elif came into his life. She came like the winter that brought coldness but left like the summer breeze leaving her warmth behind. He imagined her presence with him. He imagined her smiling down at him. Kabir's grief-stricken brown eyes slowly opened. He looked behind him and saw there was no one, but he felt her spirit with him.
Her darkness often came in protective arms, holding him closer until the promised dawn.
The Duet Novel to The Name of Red.
Kabir's story continues. July 15 2020. Order here.
There’s only so many times a heart can break.
One day, it will be okay, but it'll heal all wrong.
It’ll heal with you outside of it.
Eight months have gone, and Kabir still hasn’t moved on from the woman he still loves.
Red.
Because some secrets are too big to bury.
Ghosts from his past come forward forcing him to confront himself and his lifestyle. His best friend Nadia left him and cut off all contact, but now she returns to his life.
Four months later
Kabir opened his eyes as the sunlight awakened him.
He glanced at his surroundings and then at the time.
It was twenty minutes past ten.
As he shielded his eyes from the sun, he realized he had forgotten to draw the drapes when he came home late at midnight last night. The scorching sun glared down at him. It touched his warm skin and illuminated his olive complexion. The golden beams radiated throughout his bedroom. The atmosphere felt like molten lava. The fiery ball stood there unflinching. Even though it was so early, it was so bright. He sighed and blew out a warm breath. He raised himself from his bed and swung his feet onto the floor. For a moment, his gaze met the cruel sun, and he saw its radiance, its brightness and its color. He forced himself to look away when his eyes began to hurt, and they turned watery.
He hated the sun.
Especially when it rose every morning.
Kabir wanted the coldness back. He wanted the rain back. He wanted the winter back. He missed the frost upon his windows. Time had moved forward and the seasons had changed. Gone were the cold, winter days that had kissed his face. The quietness of winter sometimes still called out to him, but he ignored those feelings. He realized, the river flowed, seasons changed, and time wasn't promised to anyone.
His eyes closed briefly and then opened again.
Slowly this time.
Glancing over his shoulder, he looked at the person lying there.
A woman.
Afterword
Thank you for purchasing my debut novel. I hope you enjoyed reading The Name of Red. If you did like it, even a little, leave a review on Goodreads, Amazon, BN and/or Bookbub. It will truly help out an Indie author like myself. If you do leave a review, please try not to mention Elif’s name because it’s a title spoiler. You can use the nickname “Red” instead.
The sequel is set to release on July 15 2020, The Weight on Skin. It is available here. Add it to your Goodreads here. Book 1 can be read as a stand alone, but if you’re interested in Kabir’s journey, that is the duet novel above.
This novel, The Name of Red is based on a dissociation I had to due to my mental illness. My dissociations are uncontrollable, and they occur based on my moods and feelings. I’m doing better, and I don’t have much anymore.
In the past, I had an argument with my husband, where I hurt him with cruel words. A day later, I had a dissociation, a guilty dissociation that my husband died in a car accident and I was driving. In my dissociation, I punished myself because he died because of me. Then, I began drinking alcohol, heavily drinking to the point where I had alcohol addiction, then I went to a bar and I met a man there. At that moment, it was only 2-3 minutes long but it felt like an eternity. The moment felt so real that I actually believed it happened. The roots of this novel lies in my imagination, in my illness, it comes within me. This book is inspired by my mind.
In Elif, I I saw myself. I wrote Elif’s character in my image. In Kabir, I saw my shy husband. I wrote Kabir’s character in his image.
❖
I had an argument with my husband earlier that day. We were going home early after date night. I was upset with him, and I left the parked car. Then, I turned around and in a cruel moment, I ripped the white flowers he had given me earlier that day, and I threw it through the car window at him. They landed on the car seat.
I will never forget his expression. It still haunts me to this day. He looked so heartbroken. He stayed in the car for ten minutes, not moving before leaving. Then I had a dissociation the next day.
I was driving the car, and I got into a car accident.
My husband was in the passenger seat. The car flipped over, and I watched him die. I watched the life leave from his eyes. I felt so guilty and miserable. I started drinking, I started drinking so much, my house only had vodka bottles. I drank wine when I was happier, but I wasn’t happy at all. I decided to go out one day. I wore a dress that I found, and I went to a bar. I drank there. I went every day.
One day a man approached me. He had warm brown eyes. He said his name was Kabir. I looked up at him, and he had his hands tucked in his pant pockets. He gave me a shy smile, before asking my name.
I took a sip of my vodka, and I replied with my true name.
That is where the dissociation ends. On the bright side I know this dissociation can't turn into reality because I don’t have a driving license.
❖
I would like to thank the team behind creating this novel. Thank you to the cover artist Les German, in chapter illustration artist Mns Art Studio, logo artist Asker Designs, the beta readers, the ARC readers, the book reviewers, the editor, and the book formatter. Thank you to the editors Tamarind Hill Press and Judy from Goddess Fish, and the b
ook formatter Ina Mulhaq.
www.beenakhan.com
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Translations
Farsi
Hala har chi
Whatever
Azizam
My dearest
Felan
Goodbye, for now
Doret begardam
Let me circle around you.
Janam
My life
Jâye shomâ khâli
Your place was empty.
Delam barât tang shode
My heart has become tight for you.
Urdu
Azeez
My dear
Jaan
My life
Yaar
Friend
Arabic
Salaah
Prayers
Isha
An Islamic prayer
Zakaat
Charity
Allah
God
Halal
Permissible, lawful
Beena Khan lives in a suburb in Queens, New York in her apartment. She is 27 years old and from Azad Kashmir, Pakistan. She is an immigrant who moved to New York when she was five years old. She currently holds a Masters Degree in Developmental Psychology from Cuny School of Professional Sciences. She enjoys reading, writing, and netflixing. This is her debut novel she published at the age of 26. She writes literary fiction and edgy, romance novels.
She loves hearing from people, and you can find her on her website, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @beenaxkhan for upcoming releases and further book news.