“You don’t know that,” Ricardo snarled. Only he believed it, too. His voice gave him away.
“I’ll kill him this time. You know that, right?” Pax didn’t look at Ricardo, but he didn’t need to.
“I know.”
“Even if she’s okay, and she’d better be okay.”
“I know. I don’t blame you. I’d kill him myself if I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction. You deserve that.”
I never felt so helpless in my life. The man I loved, in more pain than he had ever been, and there was nothing I could do. Ricardo barked orders to his men, who scrambled in all directions. I stood there, shivering, looking around as the scene took on even more urgency—it was one thing when it was the scene of a double murder, but another when a child had been kidnapped.
Pax was still frozen in place, standing next to me. I thought he might not even know I was there. His nostrils flared as he breathed, hard and fast like an animal ready to spring into violence. He was almost boiling over.
“Pax. I’m so sorry.” It sounded pathetic, but I had to say something. I couldn’t stand there mute, feeling useless. I loved him and there was nothing I could do. My heart was shattered, in pieces. I tried to touch him—when he flinched away, I jumped back.
“You should go home,” he grunted, eyes downcast. “I have things to do here, and…”
“Don’t worry about me.” Like I would leave him, then or ever. “They’ll find her. I’m sure of it. You got him once before, and you’ll get him again.”
“It’ll be too late. He wants to make me pay. This is just the beginning.” His voice was flat, lifeless. “I should’ve known. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. He was just waiting for me to look away, just once. All this time, he was the one following me, watching and waiting. I thought I was being so smart. He warned me, didn’t he?”
“You have to stop this,” I whispered. “You’ll drive yourself crazy. He wants to be in your head. He wants to tear you apart this way so you won’t be any use to her.”
I might as well have been talking to a wall for all the attention he paid to me. “He warned me and I let my guard down. He told me we were going to have fun together and I let all of them talk me out of it and tell me it was just a bunch of empty threats but I knew. I knew! And I let myself forget. I let myself…”
“Stop this.” I took him by the hand and didn’t let go, even when he tried to pull away. “You’re wasting time blaming yourself, Pax. She needs you. You’ll get her back. I know you will.”
When he lifted his head and looked me in the eye, the pain I saw was indescribable. “I let her down. I let them both down. This is on me, the way he wants it to be. My baby’s with him.”
“She won’t be for long. You’ve got to keep it together for her. She needs you.” I squeezed his hand. “she needs you.”
Ricardo pulled him away from me to ask questions, rapid-fire. I had no choice but to let go and watch…and listen. I tried to keep up but couldn’t. I would only be an outsider, no matter how much I cared or wanted to help. I looked around—so many windows in the apartment buildings around us. One of them could be the window he was watching us through. Laughing at us. The police would go to every one of them, I was sure—in fact, they were splitting up and entering the buildings as I watched.
No, they wouldn’t find him there. It would be too convenient. I wanted to believe he would be stupid enough to stick around, watching and laughing at the torment he put Pax through—but he was more disciplined than that. He would be satisfied just imagining the pain if it meant keeping himself out of sight. He’d spent too many years plotting his revenge to let the temptation of watching Pax crumble ruin everything. He was safe somewhere, away from us. With Lizzie.
And all along, the entire time, those bodies were in the car. Collateral damage, pawns in his game.
Chapter Twelve – Pax
When was the nightmare going to be over? When would I open my eyes and go back to real life?
I felt numb. I was completely numb, cold, without feeling of any kind. Everything was over.
Where was she? Where was he? What was he doing to her? I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did to that little girl, all those years ago. Madison. Her testimony rang in my head. The way he’d touched her, the things he’d made her do. Every time I thought about it, I felt violently sick. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it—except Madison had Lizzie’s face. She was Lizzie. My little girl.
“He must have been watching you,” Ricardo said from what felt like miles away.
“What?”
“He must have been watching, waiting for you to go out of town. Anything that would put you far enough away that you wouldn’t be here when it all happened.”
I closed my eyes and groaned out loud. If I hadn’t left town, it might not have happened. Lizzie might have been out with me, getting ready for Christmas. Susie and Denny would be planning the wedding, getting packed for their honeymoon, wrapping gifts to put under the tree. I wouldn’t be standing in the morgue, waiting to officially identify my ex-wife’s dead body.
“I can’t believe it. I literally just can’t believe it.” It was all I could say, over and over. How did everything change so quickly? One minute, I was in Jamaica. I was looking forward to spending the holidays with the woman I was pretty sure I was in love with. My daughter was looking forward to being Maid of Honor at her mother’s wedding. Now? My daughter was possibly being tortured by a monster while I stood beside Suzanne’s dead body, lying out on the slab.
Her eyes were open, staring up at the ceiling. Empty. So empty. She didn’t see anything, feel anything, think anything. Not anymore. I wished I could talk to her just one more time and thank her for putting up with me for as long as she had, for still loving me even when we weren’t together as husband and wife, for always being a great mom who never bad-mouthed me to our kid. I wanted to thank her for carrying that kid and bearing her and bringing her into the world for me to love. I wanted to thank her for so many things I had never thought to put into words before.
If I had just stayed home. The irony. She was the one who kept pushing for me to be happy, to see somebody, to move on with my life. She even specifically mentioned Christa that last night in her apartment, smiling at me over the rim of her mug. Steam had obscured her face then. Blood had obscured it the next time I saw it, when she was in the car. They’d washed it away by then. She was clean, even if there was a part of her head missing. Her beautiful, perfect head. Her beautiful, perfect brain. She was so smart. I couldn’t get anything over on her, ever.
“I’m so sorry for this,” I whispered. I wanted to take her hand or stroke her cheek, but that just seemed wrong. “I’m sorry for everything, Susie. I love you.” Then, I leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I’ll find her. I swear.”
When I straightened up, I saw the tears in Ricardo’s eyes. “I wish there was something I could say.”
“I know. Me, too. Just tell me how we can find my little girl.” He was waiting for me to leave. He’d been sitting there, waiting for an entire year. No. Longer than a year. Through ten years in prison and another year on the outside. He’d plotted how he’d kill my ex-wife and take my daughter away for all that time. The thought of what his disgusting, filthy brain might have come up with was enough to turn my stomach all over again.
We left the morgue—I couldn’t be there anymore, not with Suzanne lying there staring up at the ceiling the way she was. My beautiful Suzanne.
“We’re questioning all of the neighbors, but I hate to say it…”
“Nobody saw anything. Nobody ever sees anything.” We strode down the hall together toward the elevator. “Nobody even heard two gunshots. I’m sure Lizzie must’ve screamed. I mean, come on. She watched her mother get—” I couldn’t finish. I wasn’t sure I could ever finish that statement.
“I know. Which makes it all even less believable, but there you are. You know how people can get in the city. It’s always best t
o mind your business and let somebody else call the cops. Remember the Kitty Genovese case?”
I didn’t have time to talk about ancient history, especially when Kitty died years before I was even born. Her neighbors had listened to her being murdered outside of her apartment building, but nobody had bothered to help. They had all assumed somebody else would help her, instead. And she had died. Was that what happened to my little girl? Was she in the clutches of a monster all because nobody could be bothered to be the person to help?
I remembered the last time I saw her, sitting with me in the sushi restaurant, showing me the dating profile she’d put together on my behalf. Just wanting me to be happy. Crying when I told her I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting through her mother’s wedding. She had such a big, beautiful heart. What would happen to that heart by the time she was finished with Jonathon Smythe—or, rather, by the time he was finished with her?
I felt sick again, and this time, I couldn’t hold it back. The second we were off the elevator, I found a trashcan and emptied my stomach into it. Ricardo waited for me, then walked beside me again like nothing had happened. He’d seen people fall apart before during cases like this. It was just another day at work for him.
No, I corrected myself, this isn’t another case. He looked haunted. Wounded. Like he felt my pain. I remembered how close he and Suzanne were back in the day—and he had called her, hadn’t he? To tell her about Christa. I didn’t realize they’d stayed in close contact.
“They’re dusting the car for prints,” he informed me.
“I’m sure they won’t find anything. You know he’s too smart for that.”
“I know, but it’s something they have to do anyway.”
“I know.”
“Meanwhile, his apartment’s empty. I’ve never seen a place like it in my life. One small table, a chair, a bed. That’s pretty much it. I don’t know how he survived there for an entire year.”
Hope bloomed in my chest for the first time since arriving at the murder scene. “Maybe that’s not where he actually lived. Maybe that was just the address he kept for the sake of his parole. Meanwhile, he could have another apartment somewhere else, and that could be where he took Lizzie.”
“We’re already on it,” he assured me, “though if he used an assumed name, it’ll take some time to find it.”
“We don’t have time,” I snarled.
“Don’t you think I know that? Of course, I know that. We’re doing everything we can.”
I signed out Suzanne’s personal effects, which the desk clerk handed to me in a bag. Her purse, her watch, her earrings. Her engagement ring. My heart caught in my throat.
“Oh, and these.” The clerk came out from behind the desk holding two dresses. When I realized what they were, I thought I might break down then and there. It was too much. The straw that broke the camel’s back or something like that. One was red satin with a modest neckline and a matching jacket. The other was long, off-white, with crystals and pearl beads all along the front.
Ricardo took them for me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t reach for them. Lizzie was so excited to be Maid of Honor. She would never wear her dress. Neither would her mother. I wished I could die and be finished with it all. There was no way I could handle it and survive.
My friend’s hand around my forearm brought me back to reality. “Get it together. She needs you.”
“It’s all my fault,” I whispered, and it was a surprise when I heard how weak my voice sounded.
“It’s not. You didn’t do this. Your daughter needs you to hold it together for her sake. When we find her, she’ll need her father. You have to stay with me. Got it?”
He was right. Somewhere deep down in the recesses of my brain, I knew he made sense. My daughter needed me to do everything in my power to bring her home. I promised Suzanne that I would, too. I couldn’t let her down.
And I had a score to settle, too. There was that. I would kill the fucker before it was all over. I made that vow to myself and planned to keep it.
“All right. What can we do next?” I was back in business by the time we strode out of the building. It wasn’t raining anymore, though the streets were still slick. The temperature was cold enough that I wondered if it would freeze up overnight. A far cry from Jamaica. Jamaica. I shouldn’t have gone.
“We’re going to start poring over his financials,” he said. “Not to mention the financials of the guards who knew him best.”
“Really? Could one of them have something to do with this?”
He shrugged. “He managed to get those letters to you, didn’t he? What if he had one of them rent an apartment or buy a house in their name, but for him? I mean, it’s a stretch.”
“But it does make sense. He has a way with people who are easily influenced.”
“Yes, he does. We have to keep that in mind at all times. He’s a master manipulator.”
“Can I have an office at the station?” I asked flat-out. “I want to spend as much time there as possible.”
He frowned. “Pax…”
“Listen to me. I’ll go insane if I have to sit on my hands and let everybody else do all the work. I’ve gotta be there.”
“What about the agency?”
“What about it?” I shrugged it off. “It’ll be there when this is over. What matters right now is my daughter.”
He didn’t look happy, but I could tell he was coming around to my side. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“I’m headed there right now, so you’d better see fast.”
“Go home. Put your bags away. Maybe get a little sleep—you look like hell, and this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. You know this.”
“I know, and I know it’s pointless to tell me to cool off. I couldn’t cool off when the girl was a stranger. How the hell do you expect me to do it now?” My voice got progressively louder until I was almost screaming. My voice echoed throughout the parking garage.
He sighed. “Fine. I’ll meet you at the station. Don’t get into anything until I’m there, okay? That’s all I ask. You’re not a cop anymore.”
“Okay. No problem.” Like I would listen. It didn’t matter. So long as I could be there in the middle of it.
Chapter Thirteen – Christa
“I’m sorry, but we’re not taking on any new clients at this time.”
The man on the other end of the line snorted. “You can’t be serious. I’ve been assured by our mutual contact that Lewis Security doesn’t turn work down, especially when the work would mean the sort of money I’m willing to pay.”
I took a deep breath and did a quick five count. “I’m not sure where our mutual contact gets their information, but I assure you we turn down cases all the time—right now, our resources are thinly stretched.” And Pax was the one who knew how to move personnel around the board like chess pieces. He had an instinctive ability to match agents to cases. He knew off the top of his head who was where, and for how long, and whether there were any special circumstances to keep in mind. In other words, he was much better at running the agency than I was.
“This is disappointing. I’ve heard nothing but good things about the work you do.”
I was about ready to tell him off. What would he think if I told him Pax’s daughter had been kidnapped? That his ex-wife was brutally murdered? That even our inactive agents were committed to spending every bit of their down time working with the police?
“And we appreciate knowing our reputation is a strong one. Why don’t I transfer you to our manager, and she’ll give you the names of two agencies we recommend?” I cut him off before he could reply and asked Lydia to handle him, then sank back into Pax’s chair with my arms crossed over my face. How did he manage it without telling some of these rich meatheads to go fuck themselves?
A knock at the closed door didn’t soften my mood. “What?” I snapped.
It opened just enough for Ricardo to poke his head in. “I come in peace.”
“Oh, Christ
. Get in here.” I leaned over the desk, hungry for any information. Pax had been MIA for days, and I was in the dark. “What’s happening?”
“In a word, nothing.” He leaned against the wall by the window, looking far more exhausted than I had ever seen him. “Dead end after dead end. Every tip we get gives him a little hope. I have to watch him crumble a little every time we come up empty. He tries to hide it, but I see what this is doing to him.”
My shoulders slump. “At least you get to see it. I don’t get to see anything.”
“You don’t want to see it—believe me,” he warned. “There’s a reason he’s keeping you out of the loop. He’s a proud man, you know? He doesn’t want you to see him falling apart.”
I gaped at him while my heart broke all over again. “Is he falling apart? Is he, really?”
“I’ve never seen him this bad.” He shook his head with a sigh. “Not even before. He took it personally when that girl was missing, yeah, but it was nothing compared to this.”
My chest was so tight, it was hard to breathe. I wanted him so much, just to touch him and hold him and comfort him in any little way I could. It was so unfair, all of it, knowing he cared about me and knowing for sure that I loved him but “Understandable, I guess. She’s his little girl.” I rubbed my eyes and wished for sleep, but it was a pointless wish. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw those bodies in that car. Poor Suzanne. Finally moving on with her life, planning a wedding. Still a young woman. Still possible for her to have more children, to build a family with the man she loved. A little girl who needed her. All of that, gone in the blink of an eye. Did she suffer? Did he make her wait before he ended her life? Or was it fast, was it too fast for her to understand what was happening? I couldn’t stop asking myself these questions and so many more. Even if I managed to shut my mind up while I was awake, the quiet of attempted sleep let them rise up and torment me.
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