Holding Out For Love (Windswept Bay Book 5)

by Debra Clopton

  Jillian was positive Grace knew exactly what butterflies and erratic heartbeats felt like and she was having them while talking to Abe.

  “It’s okay,” Jillian assured her, feeling that she was the third wheel.

  “If you ever need me to help in some way, let me know. Maybe he’d enjoy coming to work for a day?”

  “Oh,” Grace said, softly. “That’s a very nice offer. I’ll keep that in mind. Now I need to get to work. You two have a nice time.” And then she hurried to the side entrance and was gone.

  Abe watched her go. Jillian studied his profile and wondered whether he might be wishing he was assisting Grace into his truck instead of her. The thought didn’t bother her at all.

  “Okay, I guess we’re ready.” He turned back to her to see that she was settled in the seat with her seat belt already snapped in place.

  Jillian chuckled, suddenly feeling lighthearted. “I think we are,” she said.

  Moments later, they were at a small outdoor bar that served all kinds of tropical drinks, both alcoholic and nonalcoholic, in a beautiful setting. They grabbed the table beneath a thatched umbrella. Jillian ordered a glass of strawberry lemonade. She had not had an ounce of alcohol since her prom night.

  As Abe ordered the same, her thoughts went to prom night. The most humiliating night of her life. When she’d pushed boundaries and had a few drinks for the first time in her life and had reacted overwhelmingly badly. She’d been more tipsy than she had believed, thus when she had been rescued from her drunk prom date by her hero, Ryan, her inhibitions were on the loose.

  She’d unleashed all of her secret hopes and dreams on him, including the fact that she loved him…and that she wanted to have his babies.

  “Earth to Jillian,” Abe said from across the table.

  “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.”

  “It seems so.” He cupped his hands together on the table in the same manner that she’d cupped her own hands.

  “Abe.” She sighed. “You have no idea.”

  “I hope that you consider me a friend. Because I consider you a friend.” He reached across the table, took her hand and squeezed gently. His gaze met hers. There were no sparks, no floaters—nothing except the comfort of his strong hand on hers.

  “I do consider you as a friend, but I need to say something. I can’t go out with you anymore. I hope you aren’t hurt by that.”

  He took the news with a thoughtful look. “I felt like you felt that way,” he said. “You and I both know there’s no chemistry between us. You deserve more than that and I can tell you don’t feel fireworks and explosions when I hold your hand.”

  “You are a wonderful man.”

  “Again, I hope so. My mama would be glad to know that you think that. But you and I both know that you deserve to marry a wonderful man who also drives you crazy with love. You don’t need to settle for anything less than that. That’s what I felt for my wife and finding that again might be more than I can ever find again. But this is about you. If telling me you are cutting me loose is what’s had you so tied up in knots, then I’m glad we’re getting this off the table.” He sat back as their lemonades were brought and thanked the waitress.

  When they were alone again, Jillian sipped her drink before she spoke. “You are a very smart man, Abe.”

  As it turned out, by the time Abe dropped her off at the resort to pick up her car, she hadn’t shared anything else personal with him. They were friends but settling that had been a relief to her. She’d known when she’d seen him talking with Grace that she needed to move on. She hadn’t been fair to him by even thinking of settling. He deserved more than that.

  And so did she…but that was her problem.

  Chapter Seven

  Two days after being kissed by Ryan and cutting any romantic ties with Abe, Jillian was still in a state of turmoil about her life but she was relieved that she and Abe had talked. And she had been glad when she saw him and Grace talking in the lobby. They might be a great match…she hoped so.

  Today she’d worn a dress and sandals because they had three small weddings going on at the resort. They’d finished the flowerbeds just in time. Her job today had been to watch over the intimate wedding in the secluded fountain area. Cali had taken on the larger one at the beach, and Olivia had taken the one in the banquet room. After the wedding, Jillian headed back to the office and was startled when she saw Ryan walking toward her across the courtyard. Her heart skipped and her day brightened instantly. He wore shorts, a surfing T-shirt, and boat shoes; his brown eyes warmed her heart as they met hers. She hadn’t seen him since he kissed her and there was no use denying that she hadn’t missed him. She had.

  She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him.

  “Hi,” he said. “I needed to see you. I wondered if I could take you away from here for a little while.”

  Unable to stop herself, she nodded. “That will be nice, actually.”

  He grinned. “It’s my lucky day.”

  “Give me a minute.” She pulled out her phone and messaged Cali that the wedding had gone well and she was leaving for the day. She reminded herself that she was being reckless and would regret this. She needed to tread carefully. But she found, at the moment, all she wanted to do was spend a few moments with Ryan. It would be okay.

  Within minutes, she was following him out to the parking lot to his truck. He held the door open for her.

  “Your chariot awaits.” She moved past him and he helped her into the seat and then leaned close. “If I wasn’t afraid of running you off, I would kiss you right now.”

  Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies.

  She must have looked startled by his words because he smiled and then stepped back and closed the door. Her mouth had gone dry as he walked around the truck to his side and slid behind the wheel. She was playing with fire and she knew it. Or was she just flying by the seat of her pants? Something that one rarely classified as a Jillian trait. Too late to back out.

  He was in the truck quickly and they were on their way.

  “I hope this isn’t going to cause a problem between you and your boyfriend.” He glanced at her. “I kissed you, and I wouldn’t want to do that if you’re serious about someone. I got the feeling you aren’t serious. If I’m wrong, let me know and I’ll back off.”

  His words sent a shiver through her. “No, there is no boyfriend.”

  “The men of Windswept Bay must be blind, is all I can say.”

  She laughed. “You are terrible.” What would life with Ryan be like? The question filled her mind, tickled her insides, and tightened the coil of tension inside of her.

  “No—truthful, from where I sit.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that. He drove through the streets, turned in to the Lagoon Adventures parking lot and turned off the truck. She knew she was treading in dangerous waters. She should tell him now that there were reasons why he might not want to get involved with her. She needed to tell him.

  He turned in the seat and placed his arm across the back of it; he played with a strand of her hair. “I respect you, Jillian. I haven’t slept the last two nights thinking about you. I cannot get you off my mind. I think you need to know my life is up in the air right now and I feel like I have no right to want to spend time with you.”

  Her mouth was dry. “I’m here, feeling a little overwhelmed,” she said, softly. “But I can’t not be here.”

  He smiled. “That is what I want to hear. Now, I want to take you for a ride down this lagoon. I spend all my days watching couples enjoy this beautiful place and it is driving me crazy. I need to take you to view the waterfalls.”

  “I would love that.” She would give in to this moment and enjoy spending time with Ryan. And then she would tell him.

  She was repeating that mantra moments later as he led her to the back deck, where the kayaks were. A very small metal flat bottom boat with a trolling motor was tied to the dock.

  “It’ll get dark soon so I thou
ght we’d take the boat to the waterfall. It’s a little quicker that way. It is after hours, so we need to get down there before it gets too dark.”

  “Great. I haven’t been on the lagoon since high school. I remember a couple of girlfriends and I had fun being followed down the lagoon by a manatee.”

  “Manatees like the lagoon. They’re here so you’ll probably see one again. People love seeing them.”

  He held out a life vest for her to slip her arms into. “Safety first,” he said. She slipped her arms in and he snapped her vest for her, which put him standing close to her. Jillian studied him as he clicked the safety snaps together. He smiled when he did it and for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. But then he put his own vest on and moved to the boat and held his hand out to her.

  “Ready?” he asked.

  It was a loaded question. Jillian was so ready.

  They rode along the lagoon, the dappled sunlight filtering in through the overhead canopy of trees. The lazy lagoon eventually released out into the ocean but the small waterfall about halfway along the trip was a favorite part of the ride. The small motorboat made the trip faster but they did see a huge manatee lumbering slowly along the canal. “We use a trolling motor on the boat so we won’t hurt any of the wildlife in here. The sea turtles and manatees could be really in danger if I was speeding up and down this area with a large boat motor and didn’t have time to avoid them.”

  “This is perfect, though—gets you here quicker if you need to help someone and keeps the animals safe too. Oh, beautiful.” She gasped as they rounded the bend and she saw the waterfall. There were many waterfalls in the area, mainly because, unlike much of the flatter lands just off the coastline, Windswept Bay was actually an island and it had hills and taller peaks, unlike other places along the Florida coastline. Of course, the island’s waterfalls were nothing compared to larger tropical islands in other areas. But they were still beautiful.

  “I think so. I’m glad you came,” Ryan said.

  “Me too.”

  They were peaceful but most of all they added a very romantic backdrop for the island. And picnics were often a fun getaway for the tourists who came to relax, or the honeymooners wanting some special memories, and the islanders who appreciated what their island had to offer. It had been a long time since Jillian had enjoyed any of that…especially with a man. A special man.

  And he was special. She couldn’t believe the last week had brought her to spending time with him. She had her own problems but she also had a strong feeling that Ryan would probably walk away from the island and return to his career, like he had done before.

  “You’re sure quiet up there.” Ryan docked the boat, tying it off to the small dock.

  “I was wondering how you’re doing since you left here. I know you were still struggling with the loss of your sister and I know that your life’s work focused on stopping drug dealing. But how are you doing?”

  He looked thoughtful as he climbed from the boat to the dock and held a hand out to her.

  “I do okay. Good. My sister didn’t deserve what happened to her. She made some wrong choices that many youth from all backgrounds make. She fell victim to vultures. I’ve been obsessed, I think, with that and I can’t let it go. My work has been…lonely in many ways, isolating in many ways, but rewarding when I help rid society of one more thug.”

  Jillian stared at him and her heart went out to him. He’d chosen to live through the years in undercover work and that couldn’t have been easy.

  He reached for the picnic basket and then led the way over to a grassy area that they kept cleared out for picnics. He spread out the blanket that was just inside the basket. Jillian took a seat in the center and crossed her legs under her, watching him as he sat down.

  It didn’t seem real that things she’d once dreamed of with him were happening right now. She was actually sitting here, about to have a picnic with Ryan Locke. A lump lodged in her throat…those teenaged dreams were now coming true but there was so much surrounding this moment. “When is enough?” The question came out of left field and she watched the play of emotion on his face, the hardening of his eyes as he looked off and studied the far distant image that only he could see in the trees. Why hadn’t she just enjoyed this time instead of pushing?

  “I don’t know, Jillian. I don’t know.” He looked back at her and he smiled sadly. “I’ve come back here to help Jax out and I know I needed this time. My captain demanded it. I wasn’t happy at first but now I’m realizing it was necessary. I think at some point you can get battle-weary. Be in the field so long, you lose perspective and my superiors are afraid that’s happened to me. I may only have a desk job waiting for me when I go back. They’ve basically told me it’s time for me to find a life. To get some perspective.”

  “And how do you feel about that?” Her heart had picked up speed as she watched him, listened to him and she wondered whether there was a chance that he would listen to what they were saying.

  “I’m at a crossroads, like I said. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  She was at a crossroads, too, and didn’t know what she was going to do either.

  He pulled a couple of soft drinks from the container and handed her one; it was her favorite. She wondered how he remembered such a detail considering it had been years since they’d hung out at family gatherings. She’d been a kid but he probably had always been good with remembering details. And that would come into play with being an undercover detective, or whatever he was called.

  He smiled. “Yep, I remember. Once you went with me and Levi to pick up supplies for your mom and dad. We were having a Thanksgiving gathering at the resort and I remember you saying that Dr. Pepper was your favorite drink. I was unsure if it still was after all these years but I took a chance.”

  That answered that question. He had remembered that tiny detail. “You have an amazing memory.”

  “I’ll be there, at the Thanksgiving gathering this year. I’m competing with Levi. We are going to take on Trent and Jake, and I think Max and Cam are going to compete as well.”

  She laughed. “Oh wow, it will be like old times. This will be fun. We’ll have to throw some new kinks into the mix.”

  He took a drink of his Coke. “I look forward to seeing what you girls come up with.”

  “I doubt, even if we really wanted to, that there is anything we could really come up with that would surprise you guys.”

  She grew serious again. “You know, your sister would want you to live a full life. I hate that you are basically being forced out of the life that you are so dedicated to. But I’m curious as to why they’re doing that. Aren’t some people undercover longer than that?”

  “They are. I’m on medical leave. I don’t know if you knew that. I took a bullet when my cover was blown and it left me with a few problems. I also had a bad concussion and have trouble with sleep and headaches. There’s a few other things that go along with it but basically I’ve been so deep and my cover is blown and I need to disappear to some extent. Levi and I’ve been talking about me coming here. I think that I can do some good here.” He studied her.

  Jillian froze as his words rang through her like an alarm and a bell of joy at the same time. “You would be needed here but are you safe?”

  “I’m safe. I’ve always worn a beard and mustache when undercover. I’d be hard to recognize, even if someone from my past showed up.” He busied himself pulling things out of the basket.

  Jillian could have kicked herself for having started this conversation and taking them down such a serious line when they could have been enjoying the scenery and their time together. This was romantic. And she’d opened up a door into his darker side of life. But she couldn’t help herself; she had to understand Ryan. Reaching out, she placed her hand on his.

  “Maybe they are right. Maybe it’s time for you to find a life for yourself. I get the feeling that somehow you put yourself in the same category as the…people you were tryi
ng to put behind bars.”

  He handed her the wrapped sandwich that he had pulled out of the basket. Immediately, he raked a hand through his hair, before he stood and walked to the water’s edge.

  “I do,” he said. “I messed up. I made a call before my cover was blown and it was a setup. I didn’t see it coming. I had let myself trust someone that I shouldn’t have. I let my barriers down and I didn’t see that I was being betrayed. I got too close to someone I was trying to help. She turned on me and it cost me. In my profession, if you let your guard down it can be the kiss of death. In my situation, I lived but the girl I was trying to help not only set me up—she died in the crossfire.”

  “Oh, Ryan.”

  “Yeah, it was bad. I haven’t told anyone that. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for it. Marla was a sweet, mixed-up young woman like my sister, and I let my emotions get clouded.”

  Jillian stood and, unable to stop herself, she walked to Ryan and put her arms around him. “You didn’t do it on purpose. I know you’ve saved lives during your career but you can’t save them all.”

  He turned and looked down at her, loosely holding her in his arms as she looked up at him. “I know. But I want to.”

  Jillian could not stop herself; she lifted her hands and cupped his face. Her heart raced and the conviction that she was looking entirely into the eyes of a man who deeply needed to understand his worth gripped her. “You can’t. But you can save some. And you can make a difference. Either way, you matter, Ryan. You matter. That means you deserve some semblance of a normal life. A happy life. You don’t have to go pretend to be some bad person all the time.”

  His dark eyes were unmoving.

  She stepped away. How bad did he have to pretend to be while undercover? What had he seen and done? Could he acclimate to a regular life?

  “I hear you,” he said, softly. “I just have to accept it.”