by Brenda Mott
“Crying?” Wade exchanged a look of concern with Tess.
“She must’ve seen me lying on the ground,” Tess said, feeling horrible for having given Macy such a fright. “It probably scared her.”
“But why would she run off like that?” Wade shook his head. “It doesn’t make any sense. I’ve got to go find her.”
“Hang on. Let me get Angel.”
“You’re in no shape to ride.”
“The heck I’m not. There’s no way I’m going to sit around and wait, when Macy might need us.” She clenched her jaw, daring him to refuse.
“All right, but let’s hurry. Here.” He reached down and held out his hand, moving his leg away from Jason’s shortened stirrup so Tess could swing up behind him. “I’ll ride you over to get your horse. It’ll be faster.”
Tess pulled herself onto Spur’s backside, ignoring the slight dizziness that claimed her as she slid behind the saddle and gripped Wade’s waist. She wished she could blame the dizziness on the way it felt to touch him; however, she knew it came from her injury. A headache oozed its way from the knot on her head to her temples. But all she cared about right now was finding Macy safe and sound. She’d worry about her goose egg later.
Minutes later, she bridled Angel while Wade took a moment to adjust Jason’s stirrups, then the two of them set off for the dirt road. Raindrops began to spatter the ground as they rode, and by the time they’d gone a short distance, the clouds had opened up, spilling rain down on them in earnest. Thunder rumbled in the distance and Tess’s heart thudded in her chest. Riding in a lightning storm was not a good idea. But they had to find Macy.
“Macy!” Wade shouted. “Where are you?”
Tess called her name, as well, looking down at the ground as they trotted along the shoulder of the road. Shod hoofprints appeared in the dirt, not yet washed away by the sudden downpour. “I think we’re on her trail, Wade. See?” She pointed at the prints and he nodded, nudging Spur into a lope.
The road angled up a hill and turned sharply, now running parallel with the railroad tracks that wove along the edge of town and stretched for miles in either direction. As they topped the hill, Tess felt the hot surge of adrenaline as a bitter taste filled her mouth. Macy was on the ground near the railroad tracks. Amber stood near her side.
“Macy!” Wade shouted, and let Spur go in a rush to close the last several yards between Macy and him. He vaulted from the saddle even before he’d pulled the gelding to a complete halt.
Tess followed, belatedly realizing that Macy was sitting on the ground, not lying there. She had her knees tucked up against her chest, with her arms looped around them, her head down, face concealed by her cowboy hat. But Tess could clearly hear her sobs.
Wade knelt beside his daughter, mindless of the mud around them. “Macy, honey, what’s wrong? Did you fall?”
Macy shook her head without looking up. Her muffled reply was indecipherable through her crying and the sound of rolling thunder.
Tess dismounted and crouched beside Wade. She touched Macy’s arm. “Sweetie, what happened? Why did you run off that way?”
Instantly Macy snapped up her head, a look of stunned surprise on her face. Then her expression turned to one of relief mingled with joy. “Tess! Omigod.” She clapped one hand over her mouth. “You’re okay.” She threw her arms around Tess’s neck, and Tess hugged her close.
“Of course I am, honey. But what happened to you?”
Once more, tears coursed down Macy’s face, mingling with the raindrops that found their way past her hat brim. “Oh, God. I thought you were hurt bad…or…or even dead. I rode after dad when Diego took off with you, and I saw you lying there on the ground. I…I—” She broke into fresh sobs, her words once more becoming incomprehensible. But Tess thought she heard Macy say “my fault” and “again.”
Wade pulled Macy into his embrace. “Macy, slow down, sweetie. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” He wiped her damp hair away from her face where it had escaped one of her pigtails.
Macy exhaled on a sigh. “I said I thought it was my fault that Tess got hurt.” She pursed her lips in a thin line, as though afraid to speak her mind. Then she let the words burst forth. “Just like when Mommy had her wreck and died.”
Genuine shock pulled Wade’s features into the most troubled expression Tess had ever witnessed. “Your fault?” He stared at Macy. “Honey, you’re not making any sense.” He held her at arm’s length, searching for injuries. “Did you hit your head?”
“No.” Macy impatiently waved her hand. “I didn’t fall off Amber. I just came here because…” Her eyes darted toward the railroad tracks, then back to her dad. Her voice trembled. “I can’t remember her face anymore.” She bit her lip. “I look at Mom’s picture and I see it just the same as I’ve seen it a thousand times, but I don’t remember her for real, Dad.” She clutched Wade’s arms, crying so hard it broke Tess’s heart. “I can’t remember the way she sounded or the way she looked when she laughed or anything. And it’s all my fault!”
Sudden realization dawned in Wade’s eyes, and a chill raced down Tess’s back. The railroad crossing was located just yards away from where they now sat. The one where Deidra had been killed.
“Oh, Macy.” Wade’s voice thickened, and he gently squeezed his daughter’s shoulders. “You’re not to blame for what happened. How can you say such a thing?” He ran his hands up and down her arms. “Never mind. We’ll talk about it back at the fairgrounds. We’ve got to get you out of this storm. Come on.” Taking her by the hand, he pulled Macy to her feet. Tess reached out to steady her.
But Macy stubbornly hung back. “No!” Body stiff, face contorted in pain, she locked eyes with Wade. “I don’t care if lightning strikes me. Don’t you see, Dad? Mom died because of me. And all this time I’ve been afraid to tell you about it. I just tried to forget.”
Tess felt so sorry for Wade and Macy, and powerless to do anything useful as she stared at them. What could she say or do to help? Should she say anything, or should she mind her own business? Wade had told her over and over she wasn’t Macy’s mother and not to interfere. This conversation was obviously highly personal, not to mention bizarre. Tess couldn’t begin to imagine what Macy meant by her self-accusations.
Tess made a decision, and hoped she was doing the right thing. “Macy, listen to me.” She slipped her arm around the young girl’s shoulders and gave her a small shake. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, and it might be none of my business. But young lady, if you think I’m going to stand here and let you get struck by lightning, you’d better think again. Now, put your butt in that saddle and let’s get out of here before this storm gets any worse.” She pointed firmly at Amber, staring Macy down.
She didn’t dare glance at Wade. He was likely furious with her. But she didn’t care. Her one concern right now was Macy’s safety and well-being. Not only did the lightning pose a danger, but it couldn’t be healthy for her to sit in the rain at the site of her mother’s fatal accident.
Before Macy could utter further protest, Tess crouched in front of her and looked directly into her eyes. “You know what? I take that back. This is my business. I’m making it so because I care about you more than you can even begin to know, Macy. You, and your dad, and Jason. And I won’t take no for an answer. So get on your horse, honey. Now.”
Tess pulled in a breath and dared a glance at Wade from the corner of her eye. His face was a mixture of emotions, making it hard to gauge his reaction. No matter. She’d said what she felt, and she wouldn’t apologize for doing so. She stood up, intending to take Macy by the hand. Instead, she swayed on her feet as the effects of rising too quickly and the blow she’d suffered to the back of her head gripped her. Black dots swam before her eyes, and for a moment Tess thought she might faint. Fighting the sensation, she stumbled and groped for balance.
Wade caught her by the arm. “I’ve got you. Lord, what am I going to do with the two of you?” He shot a scow
l from her to Macy and back again. “Are you all right, Tess?”
“You are hurt,” Macy accused, her small face scrunched with worry.
Tess shook her head to negate Macy’s assertion and to completely clear her vision, but it only made things worse. Cringing, she blinked. Rain pummeled her hat brim. “It’s nothing,” she told Macy. “Just a bump on the head. Plus, I got the wind knocked out of me, so that’s probably why you thought I was hurt worse than I am. I couldn’t breathe, much less move. Now, are we going to stand here debating the issue, or are we going to get out of this storm?”
Macy sighed. “All right, but only because I don’t want you fainting on us.” She managed a small smile, and Tess smiled back.
She squeezed Macy’s hand, then reached to cover Wade’s where he still held her arm. “I’m fine. Really. I just stood up too fast.”
“You can ride back okay?”
She nodded. “But we’d better hurry, before we all become human lightning rods.”
MACY’S WORDS HAUNTED Wade all the way back to the fairgrounds: Don’t you see? Mom died because of me.
He couldn’t have been more shocked if Macy had suddenly announced she’d robbed the bank. What on earth had she meant? She’d been five years old when Deidra had gotten killed. What blame could an innocent child hold in her heart? But then, kids had a way of thinking like that sometimes.
Guilt rushed through him. He’d taken the kids to see a grief counselor after Deidra’s death, and he’d thought that, plus the loving attention he’d given them afterward, was enough. But then he’d gotten caught up in trying to run the ranch on his own, working long, hard hours to make himself tired enough to sleep at night—a habit that had become ingrained in him as the days passed.
He had to admit he’d never gone to great lengths to discuss what had happened to Deidra with the kids. Not outside the counselor’s office, anyway. Macy and Jason had been so young he hadn’t thought more talk was necessary. He’d felt that moving past what had happened was most important. And somehow, as time went on, the pain began to fade, leaving him unwilling to bring up the accident anymore.
Had he been wrong in not doing so? He’d put all photographs of Deidra away, hurting too much to look at them. Though he hadn’t stopped the kids from possessing photos of their mother, neither had he encouraged them to display them in their rooms. Instead, the pictures had been tucked away in Macy’s and Jason’s dresser drawers. He knew they got them out now and then, but he’d never asked any questions. All because he’d stupidly left that task to a counselor…a stranger.
Again, Macy’s words echoed in his mind: I can’t remember her face.
Good Lord, what had he done?
They reached the fairgrounds, and Wade realized the rain had all but stopped. The gymkhana events had come to a halt while everyone waited out the storm, but now, as the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, horses and riders began to stir once more. The arena was muddy, but not muddy enough to stop the show. The announcer’s voice boomed over the loudspeaker, informing everyone that the events would continue as soon as the tractor could work over the arena and the footing could be deemed safe.
Wade barely heard him. He was no longer interested in the gymkhana, and he doubted Macy was, either. He hated to spoil Jason’s fun, however. He spotted his son standing just outside the truck and trailer.
“Is Macy okay, Dad?” Jason frowned, staring at his sister.
Wade swung down from Spur’s back and handed the reins to Jason. “I need to talk to your sister, son. Why don’t you go ahead and keep riding for a while. Give us a few minutes alone, okay?” He clamped his hand on Jason’s shoulder and gently squeezed. He needed to talk to his son, as well, and planned to do so once they got home. He had to make sure both kids were indeed okay.
“Sure, Dad.”
“Fix your stirrups,” Wade called as Jason led Spur away. Then he turned to Tess. “You should have those paramedics look you over again.”
She nodded. “I suppose so.” She glanced at Macy, who’d swung down off Amber’s back and now sat at a nearby picnic table. “I know you want to talk to her alone,” she said. The expression in Tess’s eyes left him longing to tell her he wanted her to stay while he talked to his daughter. “But if you want my help for anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll be close by.” She gave him a smile and caressed his cheek.
He caught hold of her wrist and kissed the back of her hand. “Thanks.” His gaze held hers for a long moment. She likely wanted an answer to what was behind Macy’s statement.
“You’re welcome. See you in a few.” Tess turned and walked toward the ambulance, and Wade made his way over to the picnic table.
He slid onto the bench next to Macy and studied the serious expression on her face. She’d been quiet on the ride back to the arena, which wasn’t like her at all. But at least she’d stopped crying.
Wade took her hand and cradled it in both of his. “Honey, what’s going on?” He gestured over his shoulder. “What was all that about back there at the railroad tracks?”
The sadness in Macy’s eyes nearly undid him. But he kept quiet, waiting for her answer.
“I know why Mom was in a hurry to get home the day she died,” Macy said. “Why she tried to beat the train.”
“You couldn’t possibly know that,” Wade said, squeezing Macy’s hand in a comforting gesture. Surely this had to be an underlying part of her grief, coming out in some sort of self-blame. But why now? “Honey, you were only five years old. Well, almost six.” Deidra had been killed just prior to Macy’s birthday.
The date hit him like a rock to the head. The anniversary of Deidra’s death was tomorrow. He hadn’t forgotten; he just never made a huge fuss over it. But he took flowers to her grave every year. He hadn’t tried to hide the date from Macy and Jason, but he had tried to de-emphasize it, simply because it was so close to Macy’s birthday. He didn’t want honoring Deirdra’s tragic death to overshadow celebrating the birth of his adored daughter.
“Is all this coming out and troubling you because of what tomorrow is?” Wade asked.
Macy shook her head. “No, Dad, that’s not it.” Her eyes swam with tears once more, though she held them back. “It took me a while to really remember something I’d sort of blocked from my memory. At least, I’d mostly blocked it out, though sometimes I’ve had nightmares about it.” She sighed. “Mom was in a hurry that night because of a promise she’d made to me. She told me she’d hurry home from work that day so we could go shopping for stuff for my party. She wanted to bake me a cake, too, but I remember she didn’t have much time. Mom said she had a lot of work to do at the kennel, and that she’d have to hurry if we were to get everything done before bedtime.”
Sorrow gripped Wade. He’d always loved the fact that Deidra had worked by his side on the ranch, and he’d admired the way she kept up with that and her part-time job at the boarding and grooming kennel in town—a job Deidra had insisted on having in order to buy the kids extras they otherwise couldn’t afford on a rancher’s salary. But she’d never once complained.
Wade laid his hand on Macy’s shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Oh, honey, is that what you thought all this time?” Knowing his daughter had suffered with misplaced guilt sickened him. Kids had a tendency to view things out of perspective, but it had never once occurred to him that his little girl would blame herself for Deidra’s naturally driven ways. She’d always tried to fit too many things into too few hours.
“Listen to me,” he said, staring hard at Macy. “What happened to your mom was an accident. It was no one’s fault.” Except maybe Deidra’s own, for taking such a foolish risk.
Wade pushed aside the resentment he’d never been completely able to shake. Deep down, he knew what he felt was not right. Deidra would never purposely have done anything to put herself in jeopardy, or do anything to risk hurting her family. But the pain he’d suffered at the loss of Deidra—and the pain he’d seen his kids endure—had cause
d that resentment to fester and turn to near anger. And now, to find out that Macy had also been carrying the weight of guilt was almost too much to bear.
“But it was my fault,” Macy insisted. “If she hadn’t been in a hurry to come home to take me shopping, then she wouldn’t have been hit by the train. And today when Tess got hurt, that was because of me, too. Because I let her ride Diego when I shouldn’t have.” She cast her eyes downward. “I knew Diego wasn’t ready. He’s too spooky. But I wanted so badly for him to be ready that I got excited and went ahead and said yes to Tess when she offered to ride him. And then he threw her, and I saw her lying there on the ground, all still and pale and I thought…” She took in a deep breath. “I thought it was happening all over again.”
“So you ran to the railroad tracks?” Wade asked softly.
Macy nodded. “I felt so helpless and horrible that I wanted to scream. At first I just rode without knowing where I wanted to go. And then I started thinking about how I couldn’t remember Mom’s face or voice anymore, and how she should’ve still been with us all this time. I thought about how unfair it was, and about the nightmares I’d been having. It was all too much, Dad.” She stared solemnly at him. “Then I remembered how Grandpa Darland always taught you to face your fears. So I rode to the tracks, thinking if I faced up to what had happened, then maybe the nightmares would end. And maybe somehow, Tess would be okay, too.”
Wade closed his eyes and silently berated himself. The railroad crossing where Deidra had been killed was located on a shortcut road that led from their ranch to the fairgrounds and on into the town of Ferguson. A back road that Deidra, who loved discovering shortcuts, had often driven.
After her accident, Wade had avoided the road, unable to bring himself to drive where his wife had died. Unwilling to relive the images of twisted metal and flashing lights that were burned into his memory. Determined that his kids would never see the place again. It was bad enough that they’d been subjected to whispered rumors in town about the real reason Deidra was hit by the train.