“You didn’t eat,” he comments.
“My dress is too tight,” I reply honestly. He chuckles, a simple sound that makes my knees buckle even sitting down.
“We can leave now, skip the boring speeches.” He leans down to whisper in my ear. His breath fanning across my bare neck makes me shiver, and all I’ve wanted to do since I saw him in his suit was get him out of it.
“I wish, but I don’t want to be rude.” He gives me a look, and I know it’s about his dislike of me always wanting to please people.
I never noticed it about myself because I never thought it was something bad. But now I know a lot of stuff I do would be much easier if I actually wanted to do it.
“Whatever you want.”
And so we sit through said boring speeches until I get an awful headache. I take him up on his offer to leave early. I get a few more compliments about the flowers on the way out. I love how the arrangement turned out, the types of flowers I chose, and how they blended with the scene. I didn’t watch the actual wedding, but Chad seems happy with… whatever her name is. It is still hard to think of how things used to be and that my mom was so convinced we’d end up together. But nothing is how it should be.
When I found out my parents weren’t coming, I was relieved not just because I wanted to avoid the pressure of their conversations but also because I didn’t have to subject Alec to my mom. She would try to pry everything out of him and probably scare him off.
We hadn’t coined ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend yet, so I know Alec wouldn’t take too kindly to being pressured into it. I wasn’t looking for this to be the most serious relationship I had ever been in, but it already feels like that. The yearning to be around him all the time, know what he’s doing or thinking, and then feel so safe and secure when he is around… it’s a lot to process.
“What’s wrong?” Alec takes my hand as we leave the hall and start down the dock. It’s some ways out from shore, but the boats are lined up already. There are a few other people out, but not many. The sun is just setting putting everything under a plain glow.
“Nothing,” I lie, squeezing his hand tighter.
He waits until we get to the end of one pier, standing by the mounted telescope before he turns me to face him. His sharp eyes search mine, and I find it hard to look away. As always, he draws me in and holds me so tight I can barely breathe.
“You’re as bad a liar as I am.” His lips turn up in a crooked smile, the same one that could make me submit to anything.
I sigh, and he traces my cheekbone with his thumb. His warm skin on mine is what heats me instead of the sun.
“Yeah. I was just thinking. This isn’t how I expected things to turn out.” I stare past him.
“What, you wanted to marry Chad instead?”
“Chad?”
“Whatever.”
I laugh, and he holds my waist in his hands flushing our bodies together. I hold him just under his biceps and turn my face up for a kiss. He responds by pulling me even closer and kissing me, softly at first. Every time he kisses me, it’s like he just wants to feel my lips before he suckles my skin and deepens the kiss. I reach up on my toes, even in heels, to kiss him harder. I inhale sharply as his tongue makes its way with mine, and his taste floods my mouth and senses. Every part of me comes alive with him realizing I need him to thrive. I feel my cells binding to his, wanting more of him, more than just a kiss or his hands on my waist. I want to feel him inside of me, and I want to crawl inside of him and never let go. But as I need air, I am reluctant to pull away.
My forehead presses to his, and I breathe in his scent swirling around me.
“I wish things were different. Not with us, but other things. My job, my lack of a career even. I didn’t expect it to be like this once I graduated, and that was three years ago.” I shake my head pulling away from him to catch his gaze.
He nods in understanding and cups my face. “Sometimes things take time. Maybe your plan wasn’t right back then.”
I scoff. “I know I never wanted to be a florist.” I lick my lips and chew the inside of my cheek.
“What did you really want to do then?”
“I want to do research that matters. Soil and sustainability, not just flower breeds, which is useful, but more so when we run out of simple crops. It’s complicated to explain, but botany is for distribution and ecology of plants, not just their roles in society.”
“It sounds like you really enjoy it, so you know you’ll never give up on it. You have to give things time.”
“It’s been three years already.” I mock jumping impatiently, and he smiles down at me.
“Yeah, but you’re the most patient person I know. You were patient with me, you still are.”
“I have a lot of experience with complicated plant breeds, so that’s easy,” I joke. Alec grins and rubs my back in soothing circles. I push up against his chest and feel his heartbeat against my ear. It’s calming—his presence and his hold on me. I don’t want it ever to change. And yeah, I’m patient, but it’s just because I want so much more of him that I’m willing to wait.
“Hmm. So, you keep working at the flower shop. It’s not a bad thing, and you’re good at it. You’re good at a lot of things.”
“Yeah. But the salary could be better. I do like nice things, you know. It isn’t the most sustainable job. Every time my dad offers me money, it gets harder to say no. I don’t do it in a prideful way at all, I just want to take care of myself without their judgment and leverage over me.”
I feel Alec press his chin to the top of my head before he kisses it. “I know you don’t. And he just wants you to be happy.”
“I know. Things are easier with my dad, and my mom is only bad sometimes. Well, all the time. But I’ll still be damned if I have to move back with them just to wait for a better job.”
I stay silent for a while, and he lets me stew. He is so easy to talk to, I find myself always saying things I can barely admit to myself around him.
“I don’t want to give up on… on myself.” I swallow back a forming lump, not wanting to cry over my makeup.
“Mia, you won’t.” He pulls me away only to look at me and cup my face. His smile calms me down, and the intensity of his gaze keeps the fire inside of me going.
“How are you so sure? You’re the most lost person I know.” I giggle. Alec laughs, the boom of his voice reverberating through me.
“Because I’m just sure of you. I’m not lost when I am with you, Mia.”
He kisses me again, and it’s enough said for now.
15
Alec
Mia is turning out to be the only good thing in my life. I hadn’t realized I was grieving for my dad so much until I met her, until I realized that she has become the key to all of my happiness that I never thought I would get again.
That’s why it kills me to know she could ever be sad or upset, and that she could ever feel like she wasn’t good enough for something. All I want to do is hold her in my arms and tell her that she is good enough. That she is the best at everything she does. Doubts don’t just come out of nowhere, and I hate that anyone would ever make her feel them.
The wedding is short, but I knew going would help her. Of course, I think about taking her out on dates all the time, her getting dressed up all nice and treating her special, but I still don’t like leaving the house much.
Work and the gym are fine. Being with her in the house is fine, but I don’t want to subject myself to people yet. Mia deserves more than all my faults, but she still accepts them. She still wants me.
That’s why it’s so important for her to know how much I believe in her. I know I’m just one person, but right now she is my only person, and I want to mean something to her as much as I can.
“Can you find a place to stop?” Mia asks me. I try not to groan in frustration considering we just stopped an hour back.
But I glance at her to see her sheepish grin, and I don’t feel irritated anymore.
>
“Sure.”
She shifts in the seat and tightens her seat belt over her chest. Even in one of my sweaters, her ample chest peeks through, and I twitch in my pants. It’s always slightly uncomfortable around her because my cock has a mind of its own and doesn’t know when to cool it.
I find a fast food restaurant, and we stop. While she uses the bathroom, I find some coffee. I didn’t want to stay overnight just because of the temptation of being in a hotel room with her, so I decided to drive back the same day. That way I could spend Sunday dreading going to work on Monday, as expected.
“I’m ready.” Mia comes out, and we head back out for the rest of the drive.
I’m getting sick of the rental car and the subpar leg room. I think maybe I should go out and get a real car. The job is good, and I like living with Mia and being with her. I don’t see myself leaving. Even if or when I patch things up with my family, I like living in the small town. And quite frankly, when I think of moving, I keep thinking of doing it with Mia, maybe when she gets the job she wants.
She turns up the radio, her taste in music is mainstream, so I don’t mind it too much. After another hour, we finally get back, and she is half asleep. I chuckle to myself as I help her inside and make sure she doesn’t fall asleep on the living room floor or something.
We get to the landing between our rooms, and she yawns.
“Thanks for coming with me.” She fiddles with the end of my black sweater.
“No problem, I had fun.”
“You didn’t.” She smiles. I shrug and agree.
“Maybe not, but I still enjoyed being with you. I always do.” I grin.
“Me, too.” She licks her lips, and it catches my eye before I look back into her deep brown eyes.
“Oh, your sweater.” She starts to take it off, and I stop her.
“You can keep it. So, you’ll always be warm.”
I hug her to me. Even a simple hug is on fire between us. I pull back only to kiss her good night. It’s a proper good-night kiss, deep and passionate between us. I can’t get enough of her. The way her body melts into mine, she sighs, and her moan is slight as the kiss deepens. Our tongues swirl together in a flurry of passion and need for more of each other. All I want to do is carry her into my room and explore every inch of her, but it’s like another wall to break through. I don’t feel like I deserve to have her like that, so I kiss her and break for air just to kiss her again three more times before I momentarily feel like I’ve had enough.
“Alec… wow.” Mia clutches my arms over my shirt as she licks her lips. Finally, she looks at me with glazed eyes and stumbles backward.
“Good night.” She smiles her sweet little smile.
“Good night.”
It’s hard to walk away, but I do. I strip and shower before I head to bed, not bothering to check my phone. I wake up around noon surprised I even let myself sleep in that long.
Mia is usually a busy bee around the house on Sundays checking her flowers, planting some new ones and such. I kiss her good morning but don’t even see much of her when I settle into the living room to watch the game. I lounge in just my jeans and no shirt with a beer and a boring sandwich I made myself. Mia makes things taste better when she makes them.
I don’t do much. I don’t even think about work when I space out letting Mia’s humming entertain me. I don’t know what tunes she has trapped in her little head, but I like hearing them regardless. I’m chilled out and carefree before my phone rings with a number I don’t recognize.
“Hello?” I answer after a few unsure rings. Silence is on the other end for a little bit before a voice I don’t recognize either comes through.
“Is this uh… Alec Wilde?” The man’s voice is deep and rough, but somehow familiar.
“Yeah… who is this?” I changed my number when I moved away, so I know it’s no one from back home.
“It’s Deric Jones.”
I feel my face fall along with my stomach dropping. Just as my expression shows my shock, Mia comes around the corner and gives me a funny look. It kills me a little when I rush into my room to shut the door behind me.
“What? How did you get my number?” I ask first, even though there is a ton of shit I want to ask instead.
“Anna gave it to me.”
My mom. I didn’t even know they were still in contact.
“After I found out your dad died, I’m sorry about that by the way, I thought I would reach out to her.”
“Why, did you think she would settle for you since he died?” I sound bitter as hell, but I try not to yell at him all at once.
I mean, after everything, a simple call from him doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t think anything could ever be enough.
“No. We were friends before. I wanted to check on her. Anyway, she told me you knew about me, and I figured I would reach out.”
“You always knew about me, why are you just now saying anything?” I pace the room. Too frustrated to sit down. Too pissed off to stand still. My hand stays clenched in a fist at my side to keep from punching a hole in the wall.
“Because I didn’t know how to say anything. Plus, your mom didn’t want me to. She said it was all a mistake, and that she loves your dad. So, I didn’t force her to.” He sounds so fucking nonchalant, it makes my head spin.
“Aren’t you a lucky man.”
He sighs. “Look, we were young. She was already married and had your older brothers to take care of. It wouldn’t make much difference to raise another one even if her husband wasn’t the father.”
“You say that like it was right.”
I shake my head. Like it was right to lie to Dad, to let him believe I was his kid. I believed it then, and I believed it even more now. The truth killed him, and he made it a point to tell me before he was gone. That will is the only thing left of him, the only thing that will keep this secret between the four of us. It can keep our family in the dark from now until forever, and I hate having to make that choice.
If my brothers know I’m not really one of them, they could change their minds and want me out of the will. I’d understand that, but it would take longer than we have. The company would be in limbo, all of us separated and fighting. I would understand if they chose to leave me out. I just don’t want to give them that option.
“It wasn’t. I know that. Alec, I just wanted to have the chance to talk to you. To get to know you.”
I almost laugh. “After all these years? I don’t get it. I really don’t. I don’t even know who you are, what you do… you could be a psycho.”
“I’m a financial analyst, so maybe I am a bit of a psycho. But I’m just a regular guy who made mistakes.”
I stop and pinch the bridge of my nose as I try not to say something insulting, but I lose.
“You’re worse than a regular guy. You’re a man who almost wrecked a family and waited until my dad died before you tried to be one. Don’t call me again.” I hang up and collapse onto the bed with a deep gush of air.
The frustration is so deep inside me that I don’t have anything to quell the anger ensuing. It… it drives me crazy. It all does. I wonder why I have to be the one with the false identity, and the one who doesn’t even know who he is anymore. Of all the shit I took growing up being bullied so bad I had to be homeschooled, this takes the cake.
The man who raised me is gone. The man who taught me everything I know and most importantly, how to be a man, isn’t around to help me with this. All I’ve got is a false father who doesn’t know when to rear his head. I’m not mad at my mom for anything she did because she can do no wrong—she’s my mom. But I wish she had at least prepared me for this.
I toss my phone aside, get up, and go to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I look in the mirror and see the anger in my eyes and how tense my shoulders are. When I get back in my room, someone knocks—I know it’s not someone, it’s Mia.
“Alec, are you okay?” Her soft voice flies through the door, and it calms
me down thirty percent. I’d get the rest from holding her, but I can’t do that.
“I’m fine, Mia.”
“Can I come in?”
I close my eyes and try to block the yearning in her voice. I sit on the bed, head in my hands realizing that this is too hard. Mia doesn’t need my shit. I shouldn’t be tugging her along like this.
“I’m real tired, Mia. I’ll talk to you later,” I say back. I feel her shift her feet on the hardwood.
“Alec, don’t shut me out.”
My mouth goes dry as I search for the right words, but I don’t find any. Soon enough, she walks away, and I feel her heart tearing as she does.
16
Mia
I stare at the closed door like it did me wrong. I suppose it did since it was shutting me away from Alec. I thought we had gotten past this—him closing himself off and disappearing whenever he feels like it. I get that he is not obligated to share every single detail of his life with me, but I think I deserve a little more transparency.
I tell him almost every musing that pops into my head because he asks, and he always listens to what I have to say. Especially with my parents, I have so much pent-up frustration about them that I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t talk to him about it. But he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I don’t understand what it is that is keeping him from really opening up to me. He kisses me like he wants to be mine—hell, like I’m already his. But he just doesn’t treat me like it, and I don’t know if I can be okay with it for much longer.
Even still, I walk away from his door, dejected. I focus on the plants around the house, watering them and even planting new ones. It’s no surprise that I end up planting the saddest flowers there are and displaying them in my bedroom. Once I finish up my laundry, I watch some trash TV and make a sad macaroni and cheese dinner. Hours have passed and still no sign of Alec. I don’t knock on his door again, or text him, and it kills me to hide out in my bedroom for the rest of the night.
Wilde About Alec Page 9