Alec still hasn’t called.
“Yeah. It’s… it’s my dream job.” I sigh.
Haley laughs. “I know, and I also know you haven’t talked to me about Alec. How are you processing all this?” She softens her voice and theatrically pours wine telling me to spill my tea.
“I don’t know. In my head, I think it’s over. I don’t understand… Alec really did me in. I guess.”
I drink a full glass enjoying the humming in my body. I sit on the chair and curl my legs under my dress. Haley stands across from me with her soft, yet heavily inquisitive eyes.
“I’m sorry, Mia. I know this is hard for you. I hate seeing you like this, you’re always so happy and flowery. Like a daffodil. Now you’re… a petunia or something.”
I almost smile. “Those are in the same family.”
“Sure, but I don’t like the word petunia.”
“So, you don’t like me?”
“I don’t like you unhappy.” She rubs my arm. “He was the first guy you loved.”
I nod sadly. “I still love him. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone else.” I drink more wine but from the bottle this time.
“Oh, don’t say that.”
“It’s true. What I feel for him… it’s enough to upset me but also enough to make me want to leave, too. Because I don’t want him to be the one to tell me he doesn’t want me. That this didn’t mean the same thing to him.” I croak through deep tears.
“Mia…”
“It’s hard to think that because of how he did treat me. And it was good. But this… this isn’t. I can’t deal with anymore secrecy. I thought…” I sob as I try to find my words. Between him helping me with my parents, always listening to me and awakening a part of me I never thought I had, and being my first tops it all off… it doesn’t make sense. He didn’t treat me like I was nothing to him.
But he never gave me all of him, and I know now that he just… didn’t know where the rest of him was.
I take a deep calming breath and ground myself in Haley’s eyes. My only friend that I’m leaving here along with Alec.
“I thought I could love a broken man. But he broke me instead.”
27
Alec
Since my phone has been off, I have been disconnected from the outside world. I miss Mia more than anything, and I find a spring in my step with the thought of telling her everything. Finally.
I can give her all of me without wondering if I will still be accepted. My family has been on my ass about her for the past few days, but I gladly talked about her. I could talk about her all day. With my brothers, especially, there are no secrets. Brant came later that day, signed his part of the will before Troy took it off to wherever those things go.
He had this weird gait about him, but we all figured he’s been tired from the tour. Still, something wasn’t sitting right, but it got buried under everyone catching me up and Mom bonding with all of us again. But whenever we’re together, the pain of Isaac being gone shines through.
We all try to ignore it, but we don’t. We talked about him and made a plan to try and find him again, went harder on PIs and maybe even a bounty hunter if need be. He obviously still cares since he faxed his portion of the will over and kept up with the family enough to do that. We just have to find him because he disappeared again shortly after.
I land and check my phone on the drive back to find so many missed calls it makes my head spin. But when I call Mia back, it goes straight to voicemail like she shut her phone off. I figure maybe she got a new number if it’s been disconnected. I almost bounce in the driver’s seat as I drive back and pull up to our condo. I haven’t thought of it as ours… ever. But now it’s like I really am coming home to her.
It all feels the same until I walk in and see half her plants gone. Maybe the season is changing. It’s barely three, but I go for a beer only to find them all gone. I make a face, thinking it’s weird. I know she is at work so when I hear a noise in her room, it weirds me out. I investigate and find her packing boxes in her closet.
“Mia, I tried calling you. I’m so happy to… see you.” When she turns and lances me under her gaze, I cower back. It burns through my soul, and I struggle to place it.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her.
She widens her eyes, and I look closer at her. They’re bloodshot like she has been crying. Her hair isn’t its usual shine and bounce even in her tight hair bun. The sweats she has on are faded and her gray t-shirt saggy over her small frame.
“Fuck you, Alec,” she snaps and shoves past me.
I blink rapidly as I turn to find her at her dresser angrily shoving clothes in her bag. Is she leaving?
“Mia… I’m sorry I missed all your calls. I had to do something last minute, I—”
“I don’t care, Alec. I don’t care anymore. You obviously don’t care about me. You don’t trust me. I’m over it.”
“Mia, I don’t understand. It was a simple mistake, I hadn’t turned my phone on in several days. I had some things—”
“Some things? Really, again with the ‘some things?’ I can’t deal with your secrecy anymore. I told you that I would always give you a chance as long as you respected me and that isn’t true anymore.” Her voice cracks, and I struggle to find the reason why.
“Mia, I didn’t ignore you intentionally. It isn’t like before.” I know I should have called, and that I shouldn’t have ignored her when she did. But I don’t know how I can explain my apprehension to her, or how I can explain everything that has taken place when I still don’t understand it myself.
She laughs darkly, “I don’t believe you anymore, Alec.”
“Just let me explain, let’s talk.” I reach out to her, and she moves away.
“No, Alec. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve made up my mind.”
My eyes gape. “About what?”
Mia stands up straighter and squares her small jaw at me. She looks so mini and full of anger that I don’t know where to start.
“I love you, Alec. I’ve fallen in love with you… but I can’t be with you anymore. Not with just pieces of you.”
“You what?” I whisper harshly, wondering if I even heard her right and if I have imagined all of this.
“You fucking heard me, Alec. I know you don’t feel the same way. I’m not asking for that.” She rolls her eyes brimming with tears again.
“I didn’t… when did you…”
“Probably when I first fucking met you. It was over for me then, and it’s over now.”
“It isn’t over, Mia. I’m willing to tell you whatever you want to know.”
“It isn’t about that now, Alec.”
“What’s it about?” I come closer to her, and she looks up at me but then looks away, looking past me like she can’t see me.
“You can’t even tell me that you feel the same way. You can’t even tell me what this was to you.”
“It’s not in the past…”
“Is it?” Her gaze laces me up again. “I didn’t tell you I love you just so you would say it back, but did you think I didn’t notice how you flinched? How you can’t tell me what I do mean to you?”
I close my eyes and exhale deeply as I look down shaking my head. It isn’t about coming clean with my family anymore. It isn’t about knowing who my birth father is and finally being able to find my missing brother again. It isn’t even about new shit surfacing with Brant and what’s been going on with him or my real dad disappearing yet again. It isn’t about my mom insisting I come back home and bring Mia with me.
It’s about still, after everything, not feeling like I deserve someone like Mia. Not feeling I deserve Mia at all. This pure, happy, amazing woman was torn down by me because I strung her along for so long that when it seemed like I was gone, she already prepared to leave instead. I wasn’t ready for her to fall in love with me, and I still don’t know what this feeling is I get when I look into her eyes, and everything else stops existing.
“Mia, I
’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. This, whatever it was. Is over. I’m leaving.”
I look around at the boxes, the plants gone in the living room, and my beer is gone.
“What you… you’re moving out?”
“No.” she blinks slowly and sighs. “I’m moving to New York. I got a job as a research manager at a new lab. The moving truck will be here soon, and I fly out tomorrow morning.”
I sway as her words floor me. The thought of Mia leaving… being gone… not seeing her ever again. I can’t let it happen. I reach for her, and she tries to wiggle out of my grasp, but I don’t let her. I can’t let her.
“Mia, look at me. I… don’t go. Please. I’ll tell you everything that’s been going on. Mia, don’t do this. I know I can’t ask you to give up the job because I know it’s your dream but… but I can come with you.”
“Because you’re so used to packing up your life and moving away. I don’t want that, Alec. I don’t want anything you have to offer because—maybe I lied before when I said I don’t want to hear it back. I do love you, but I want you to love me, too. I want you to say I mean something to you, but you can’t do that. I tried to fix you, Alec, but that was my mistake.” She wriggles out of my grasp and crosses the room, but I follow her, pinning her to the wall. She closes her eyes as tears fall, and she shakes her head.
I cup her face until she looks at me. “Mia, this isn’t the end of us. Just give me time…”
“I don’t have any more to give you,” she whispers. “You have all of me, but you don’t want it.”
I shake my head. “Mia.” I lean in close to her until we breathe the same air. “Mia.” I press my lips to hers as my emotions pour out. She is still against me until her body takes over, and she kisses me back. Her lips part, I suck them and deepen the kiss as my tongue laves over hers, and she makes a show of trying to push me away but giving up.
I lift Mia up and drop her onto the empty bed, the mattress bare and void of her floral scent, but I find it in her neck as I explore her.
“Alec, you can’t solve everything this way.”
I almost smile at the parody, but the sadness in her voice won’t let me. I look into her eyes as I cage her underneath me.
“I know. But I want you. You want me.”
She shakes her head, “I’m still going to leave, Alec. You’re still going to keep your heart from me. This won’t change that.”
“I know.” I kiss her like I don’t care that she is leaving or that she is right. Like I can, in fact, fix things this way, but I know I can’t.
I don’t imagine Mia leaving. I get her bare and naked underneath me and work until all our clothes are off. I don’t imagine trying to tell her how I feel, trying to get her to stay with more false hope, but I sink inside of her and don’t stop until I feel her soul meeting mine.
And I make love to her the best way I know how. I kiss her over and over until I can feel her pulse weaken from no air before I release her and try to eat her alive everywhere. Her soft neck, her smooth chest, and her pert breasts. I bite her nipples as she screams and clenches around me tighter, and I think I might explode already. Too soon. I stroke her to one orgasm with my free hand, the other pins her body down as I drive into her.
I look into her eyes again looking for cracks in her resolve but find none. I see that she loves me, but I also see that she is finished with me. She seems to sense it and closes her eyes as she writhes under me turning her head from side to side as she moans.
I don’t hold back anymore, and I come with her again. My body shudders, I feel the desire in my spine, and she shudders underneath me as she comes again but doesn’t hold me close. I collapse and sink out of her, rolling off her as we catch our breath.
It doesn’t take long before she covers herself and gets up to walk into her bathroom. I groan under my breath tucking my wet dick back in my pants and get dressed before she walks out dressed in jeans and a yellow sweater that is too big.
“The truck will be here soon.”
“Mia…”
“No, Alec. I’m tired. And I’m weak, obviously.” She gestures to the bed. “I don’t have anything else to say.” She sits in her chair to lace up her shoes.
I watch her pack two more boxes as she ignores me. I’m shell-shocked. I can’t find the right thing to say. I don’t know if telling her about my family will make up for anything, but I realize I don’t want her thinking I use that as an excuse for my emotional shortcomings.
“I’ll leave some kitchen stuff for you if you want. They’re putting me up in company housing once I get there until I find my own place.” She perks up only slightly at talking about her new job.
“You don’t have to. And I’m happy you found that job. You can finally do what you want to do.”
“Yeah.” She sighs, sealing a box with tape and labeling it.
We both hear a truck pull up, and she looks out the window.
I knew I shouldn’t watch her leave, but I still do. I watch them pack box after box, watch everything about her disappear from the condo, and I don’t know how to process her leaving. Going to a different state and starting a new life. I don’t even want to beg her not to leave because this is her dream, and I am that happy to see her finally getting her dream.
So, I don’t.
And she looks hurt and lost enough that I don’t press the issue anymore. It wouldn’t be easy with the movers anyway. Inside the house, I look out the window and watch her talk to one of the movers before they drive away.
There is one bag by the door, and I ask her about it when she comes in.
“I’m staying with Haley tonight and going to the airport from there.”
“Mia, you don’t have to—”
She gives me a pointed look to stop me. “It isn’t about you, Alec. She’s my best friend, and it’s my last night here, so I’m staying with her.”
She grabs her purse, signaling she is leaving right now. She leaves her keys on the counter. My throat closes as I struggle to find the right thing to say.
“Mia… it can’t be that I don’t have a chance with you anymore.”
“Well. It is.” She averts my gaze as long as she can before looking into my eyes.
“Mia, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“But…”
“Look, I do love you, Alec. Falling in love with you was something I stood no chance against, but I can’t give any more to you without considering myself first, and I’m just not strong enough to be hurt by you. But you have to know this isn’t about not telling me why you came here or not calling me for two days. It’s about you refusing to tell me how you feel about me, and not wanting anything serious, with no intention of keeping me and giving me your heart. That’s what I want, and it isn’t what you’re giving me.”
Her lips tremble, and I swallow hard. I never thought of it that way. I didn’t know what I was doing when she told me she loved me, and I acted like it was the worst thing possible, ever.
“Mia, I’m so sorry,” I say for lack of better words.
“Yeah, I know that, Alec.” She moves to the door, and I follow her.
With her hand on the handle, her bag over her shoulder, she turns to look at me just one last time.
She sobs softly as tears stream down her face, “I love you, Alec Wilde. Goodbye.”
28
Mia
I haven’t been on a plane in years, but I find the familiarity in the crowded security line and fast food everywhere I look. I eat my feelings in Dunkin Donuts and sit by the gate to wait for boarding time.
Haley and I stayed up most of the night, so I am very tired but glad I’ll sleep through the flight because I won’t be able to think about leaving Alec. The searing pain in my chest burns so much I can smell it. I can still feel him inside of me, but I always could every morning after… every day.
He became a part of me that I wasn’t ready for. A part of me that I can never
get rid of. I wonder if I made the right choice, but I know I had to draw the line somewhere. And that somewhere ended up being a man who can’t love me.
For whatever reason. For whatever sad story. He can’t even accept that I love him.
Alec texted me this morning and just after I went through security. A simple reply was enough, and I wondered if I should change my number. A clean break. But I can’t burn down every bridge between Alec and me. I’m not strong enough.
We start boarding. I take my nice seat in first-class because I never buy myself anything expensive, and my flight of heartbreak could at least be equipped with an in-flight meal and snacks. The three hours is up, and I find New York is crazy even in the airport. Landing at JFK was closest to the hotel the lab is putting me up in until I move into the company housing. I saw pictures of the building—it’s really nice, but it isn’t my little condo I grew to love. But at least it is somewhere Alec has never been.
They did pull out all the stops for me, and I get into the town car with my luggage. The truck arrived late last night, and I used the storage service the company provided. I didn’t know what I would keep or give away or try to sell, but I wasn’t going to worry about it just yet.
“First time here?” the driver asks.
“Yes, it is.”
He must sense I don’t want to talk and leaves me be. The hotel is part of the Hilton chain. My bag is taken to my room as I check in and grab one of their complimentary apples. I haven’t eaten since the in-flight meal, and I discover how hungry I am. Once in my room, I turn on the news and brew a cup of coffee. It doesn’t help much, but I figure a hot shower might.
I don’t know why it makes me think of Alec. Everything makes me think of Alec. His gorgeous, strong face and jaw. His ropy muscles and tall frame. His scent, his brooding personality… I love him so much. I don’t hold back tears in the spa-like shower, and not even as I get out and have to keep wiping my face with the towel. I look in my luggage, and even my panties remind me of him. He must have taken all of them off at one time or another. And my dresses.
Wilde About Alec Page 17