Mending Defects

by Lynn Galli

  “Nothing so Lifetime Movie Channel, I assure you.”

  “You don’t miss sex?”

  I started to deflect the question, but I must have run out of energy painting the room. “Not really.”

  “Miranda isn’t the one, then?” Sheila deflated before my eyes. “We’d been hoping that after a couple years of this ‘no-strings’ arrangement, you’d realize how good you both were together. Guess that’s not happening.”

  “She’s lovely,” I said. She was, just not for me. “I like her a lot, but I haven’t given a lot of thought to the rest of my life.”

  I didn’t tell them why. They might think it weird that I’d never thought of a future with marriage and children. Until my junior year, my future always had an expiration date. I never focused on it, was always hopeful that yet another medical advancement would intervene, but I had to believe it was why I’d never envisioned life past college. The valve replacement in high school allowed me to think of an adult future, but I’d concentrated on my career. With that now in hand, it might be time to start considering whether or not I’d be growing old alone rather than wondering if I’d grow old at all. Or I could just start my cat collection sooner rather than later.

  “Does she know?” Sheila asked.

  “I’m the diversion in our relationship. She definitely knows.”

  They turned to look at each other with raised eyebrows. I thought I’d mentioned that Miranda had a long-term relationship that she’d turn permanent as soon as her girlfriend got tenure somewhere. Why she hadn’t already moved out to Florida to be with her girlfriend, I wasn’t sure. I do know she loved the mountains, so maybe that was it. Either way, I never had a chance at a future with her, which was probably why I’d picked her.

  “That’s not upsetting to you?” Chris asked.

  “Not even a little. I told you it was a casual thing. I’m happy with that.” I was and always had been. After being disappointed by the lack of involvement with my first two girlfriends, I began to seek out casual. It worked best for my lifestyle and fit well with my attitude. I hadn’t been disappointed in ten years.

  “But not anymore, otherwise you’d be visiting more than once every three months, right?”

  “I hadn’t realized it was that little, honestly.”

  “If you say so. We obviously want you to be happy. With the baby on the way, we’ve been thinking about the future a lot more.” Chris said, reaching over to rub her wife’s belly.

  “I’m happy, and happy that you’re happy.”

  They nodded, seeming to take that in stride. They were good friends, comfortable friends. I liked having them in my life, but I knew things would change when the baby arrived. I doubt I’d use them as my crash pad once the critter came. At least not until the baby slept through the night.

  “How come every time we mention her, she shows up?” Sheila said then nodded at something over my shoulder.

  I turned to see Miranda walking into the bar. She went to place an order, saying hello to several regulars on her way. Her eyes met mine and a big smile creased her face. She waved then pointed at the bar, raising a finger. When she grabbed a beer, she came straight for us. She was beautiful, that was certain, but she never made my heart pound.

  “Hey, Glor, hi, guys, what a wonderful surprise.” She leaned down to kiss me hello and hugged my friends. “Mind if I join you? I came in for a beer, but I’d love to hang out with friends.”

  “Sure.” I pushed the chair next to me away from the table for her. “We just ordered. Want something to eat?”

  “Not tonight, thanks. It’s getting so hot these days. I never feel like eating at night.”

  “Try being pregnant in this weather,” Sheila groaned, which set off a long discussion about how the preparations were coming for the baby.

  By the time Sheila stopped with the baby news, we’d finished dinner. I’d heard it all when they called to tell me, so I barely paid attention. I was enjoying the atmosphere and the light touches from Miranda. She really had been good for me. A lot healthier than my first girlfriend in college, and a lot nicer than the three since. It was almost too bad we couldn’t be a couple. Not that we’d be right for each other even if she were available, but she was easy to be with.

  “Let’s dance.” Her breath was hot on my ear.

  I recognized the look in her eyes. She wanted to hook up tonight. I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea. I’d often come in here with Sheila and Christine only to have them shove me at Miranda for the night. Seeing as the nursery was my former guest room, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to head to Miranda’s tonight.

  I let her lead me to the dance floor. After using my arm all day, it was nice to work out other muscles. We danced well together, always had. She was really fun to be with, and the sex was pretty good, too. Had my cavalier attitude about visiting to hook up with her been my subconscious telling me that we’d never work out? More likely it was that my energy level had been so low prior to my stent procedure that sex was the last thing on my mind.

  The way she looked and moved now, I had to think that was the reason. I could definitely see getting together with her tonight. I envisioned the look on her face when she came. The memory had me pressing closer.

  Her eyes widened, a sneaky grin creeping across her face. “Missed you,” she whispered right before she leaned down and kissed me.

  I returned the kiss without a lot of enthusiasm. If I had one complaint, it would be our kisses. They never curled my toes. To be honest, they weren’t that great. She wasn’t entirely to blame. It takes two to make a great kiss, but we hadn’t had one yet. I never knew what her tongue was trying to do with my mouth. It wasn’t awful, but I’d definitely had better.

  “Wanna play tonight?” she asked when she broke the kiss, grasping my hips and gyrating against me. The contact pushed a surge of warmth through me. “Come on, Glor, it’s been forever.”

  It had been forever. I leaned in to kiss her again, hoping like I always did that it would be different this time. It wasn’t, but my friends’ words rang in my head. It had been a long time, and I had a wonderful woman who wanted to have sex with me. I should take advantage of the opportunity.

  She smiled widely when I tilted back, knowing she’d convinced me. She tugged on my hand. As I turned to go with her, I caught sight of a familiar face. I stopped, the familiarity paralyzing me for a moment.

  Miranda pulled again, taking me out of view. Moments later we were standing in front of my friends’ table. They smiled and winked at me as she explained that she’d be taking me home, but they could have me back tomorrow. Before I had a chance to say anything, I was being dragged out the door.

  My last view before the door closed was of Lena’s wide eyes and open mouth.

  Chapter 16

  When I turned into my driveway after work, Lena was already sitting on my front porch. Normally she wouldn’t be walking by for another hour, but I could tell she wanted to talk. I’d seen it in her eyes on Saturday night before I left the club.

  I tried to put her shocked reaction out of my head as soon as I cleared the doors. It worked until we’d gotten to Miranda’s place. She’d pulled me toward her bedroom, but instead of getting wrapped up in her eagerness, all I could see was Lena’s face. Pushing it aside proved impossible. I had to call an end to the evening before Miranda had a chance to undress. She’d been really upset, and I couldn’t blame her. I also couldn’t go through with our plans when I kept thinking of someone else.

  That someone shot out of her chair as soon as I got out of my car. Something just shy of fury propelled her to the edge of the porch while I grabbed my briefcase from the back seat. She barely waited until I had closed the door and started toward the house.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what? And hello, by the way.”

  Her hands propped on her hips, shaking her head at me. “You know damn well what I’m talking about. I’ve been pouring out my life story to y
ou over the past couple of months, and you sit there saying nothing. Imagine my surprise when I find out we’re the same?”

  “We are?” I asked, confused. I wasn’t as hotheaded as she was. I didn’t have the patience for kids that she did. I wasn’t reluctant about living in a small town like she was. I could probably name ten more significant differences, but she had a point to make.

  “Yes! When I saw you on Saturday night I nearly choked. How could you not tell me you’re a lesbian?”

  I made it to my front door and tossed my briefcase inside. In the front closet, I found the cooler and checked to see if it was stocked. Pulling it outside, I opened it and offered her a beer. She glared at me then at the beer before relenting and ripping it out of my hands. I tried not to smile at her ire, but it was pretty cute how worked up she could get about things.

  I took a seat and thought about my response. “Have I told you that artichokes are my favorite vegetable? Or how I wish they’d ban snowboarding from half the runs on Ajax and Snowmass? Or that I’m an only child who wished every day of her life that she had a sister or brother?”

  “What are you talking about? I’m pissed at you here.” She had yet to take a seat, but she had opened the beer. Baby steps.

  I waited for her to stop pacing and return her attention to me. “I’m trying to prove that being a lesbian is only one facet of me. Since I’m not in a relationship, it doesn’t even register on the scale of things that define me. It has nothing to do with our friendship, nor does it have to do with the fact that we can enjoy an evening together without talking about sexual preferences. We don’t know a lot about each other, Lena. Why should that be one of the first things I tell you about myself?”

  “Because you were lying to me this whole time.”

  I mentally rolled my eyes. If I thought actually rolling my eyes wouldn’t get me punched, I’d probably do that. “Omitting something isn’t a lie. I didn’t deceive you or misrepresent myself. Everyone has a right to privacy. You choose to tell most people you’re gay. I choose not to. I don’t think poorly of your decision. You have no right to think poorly of mine.”

  She blew out a long breath, the stiffness in her shoulders easing. “But you knew I was having a hard time in this small town. I told you that. You knew I’d find comfort in knowing that there was at least one lesbian that I knew.”

  “No, I didn’t. Why would knowing I’m a lesbian make you feel more comfortable with me as your friend? Are you saying that lesbians make better friends? That’s prejudiced. I take offense to that. Some of my best friends aren’t lesbians.” I tried to inject a little levity into the discussion but could see that she wasn’t ready to let it go. “You’re just ticked that I didn’t tell you.”

  “I’m ticked that you hide it from the whole town, using Spence as your beard.”

  I laughed. If only she knew. “I don’t use him at all. We’re friends. We tell anyone who wants to listen that we’re friends. You and I hang out as much as Spence and I hang out. I’m not using you, and I don’t give a damn if the town decides that I’m dating you like some have decided I date Spence.”

  “You’re telling me that when I see you at Spencer’s side at some functions you’re not hoping that everyone in town thinks you two are dating?”

  “I’m telling you I don’t give a damn what they think. I like Spence. He’s a guy who has a lot of work functions to attend. He takes his mom or his buddy James as often as we attend together. He knows I’m gay. I’m not using him.”

  Lena dropped onto the bench in front of me. “I just wish you’d told me.”

  “How did my not telling you affect you at all? Did it hurt you? Did it upset you? Or was it that you thought you had a right to my privacy so that you wouldn’t feel so vulnerable?”

  She glared at me. Guessed right. Or at least partially right. “How do you always manage to tick me off like no one else before?”

  “I’m special.”

  She laughed then went back to looking mad. “You should have told me. We didn’t have to analyze it, but saying ‘oh, you’re gay? So am I’ would have been nice to hear.”

  “See a time machine around here?”

  She made a loud frustrated sound then stood. “There’s no winning with you.”

  “Especially since I didn’t know we were competing.”

  One last sigh pushed from her lips. “Next time I tell you something I like, you better tell me if you like it, too.”

  She was relenting. A new action for her, at least as far as I was concerned. I’d get her to unwind at some point. Years from now probably, but I’d do it.

  From the Journal of Lena Coleridge:

  How did I not see it? A real lesbian-practically an endangered species around these parts-living next door, and I had no clue. How stupid am I? Not that she gives any hints. She doesn’t look at women as far as I’ve seen, not even a discreet check. I was guilty of that just last week. Didn’t matter that they were gorgeous celebrities, I checked them out when they took that table next to us. But Glory? Nope, not even a fleeting glance. Maybe she’s really into that woman from the bar. God, how rare would that be? A partner that’s so into you she doesn’t notice there are other women around. Wouldn’t that be something?

  Still, I should have picked up something from her. Usually that isn’t a problem for me. Spotted the two I met last week from a mile away. Joanna and Brandy, too bad they’re too juvenile to be real friends, but it’s good to know others exist in this town. I thought I might be the only single one here. Crazy thing is, they let loose with the goods on a few others but not one mention of Glory. Could be they don’t know her. As small as this place is, I am finding out it is actually possible not to know everyone.

  All that makes it worse that Erika tells her about me and my frickin’ lesbian neighbor doesn’t offer, “Yeah? So am I.” Who wouldn’t do that? We live next door to each other. We spend many nights having a drink together or walking my dogs. She knew she had a lesbian-one of very few in town-living next door to her, and she didn’t think I’d want to know about her? What is wrong with that woman? It’s like she lives to irritate me.

  And now, the smart, beautiful, easy going, funny, put together, so damn sexy woman next door is-crap on crackers-no longer a safe, impossible, out of bounds fantasy.

  Chapter 17

  My front door opened just as I was pulling dinner out of the oven. I set it down on a trivet and leaned back to get a glimpse of my visitor. It was probably my mom. She telecommuted from home and liked any excuse to get out of the house for an hour.

  “I made tamale casserole,” I announced.

  “Yum,” Mei responded unenthusiastically. She stood just inside my front door, suitcase in hand, despondent look on her face.

  “Hey,” I greeted, eyeing the suitcase. “What’s going on?”

  “I told him,” she whispered, her brown eyes filling with tears.

  I waited for her to continue, not wanting to guess. Taking her suitcase, I freed up her arms for a much needed hug. She clung to me for a long while before stepping back and letting out a shuddering breath. She looked around my house, a place she knew as well as her own, but today she looked as if it was all new to her. With a huge sigh, she dropped onto the couch.

  “I asked Andy for a divorce.”

  I nodded, sitting next to her and offering her my arms again. She came to me, huddled close and cried for a good long while. As unattached as she was to Andy and had been for three years, I knew she’d be heartbroken when she finally called it off. I could tell it surprised her how much it hurt.

  “He was,” she started then let out another big sob, “he didn’t seem to care.”

  “Of course he did, Mei,” I assured her. “You know how Andy reacts to things. It may take a while before it sinks in.”

  “He almost seemed relieved, Glor, really.”

  I didn’t want to comment on that. Andy wasn’t entirely clueless. He’d probably felt his wife pulling away from him this past
year, even if he wasn’t home much and paid more attention to work than he did to his wife.

  “I came home to an empty house like always.” Mei rubbed her eyes and pressed back against the couch. “I was making dinner when he got there. He dropped his briefcase, grunted hello, and dashed into the bathroom for a shower. By the time he came back into the kitchen, dinner had been sitting there for thirty minutes. He grabbed his keys and was saying goodbye before I even knew what was going on.”

  I could picture the whole thing. I’d witnessed him do the same thing in the past when I’d been over for dinner. He always claimed that he forgot Mei had invited me over. He’d have a tennis court reserved or a tee time to get to or cases to review on his docket. By the time he got home it was usually midnight, and he’d go straight to bed. That had been their home life for many years. Even before Spencer came into the picture, I’d made subtle hints that perhaps she should examine what made her most happy. I never believed that an empty home life did.

  “I grabbed his arm to keep him there.” She blew her nose on an offered tissue. “He looked so surprised that I wouldn’t let him leave. I tried to break it to him easily. Tried to say that we’d been growing apart for years, but I couldn’t do it. I just told him that I wanted a divorce. He looked at me for a long time. Then he nodded his head. That’s it. No argument, no asking me why.”

  “Oh, Mei. I’m sorry. I know this hurts.”

  “It sucks.”

  “Big time,” I agreed.

  “I guess I should be happy he didn’t yell and get upset and demand to know why. I’m not sure I could have stopped myself from telling him about Spence.”

  We’d talked about this a few times. We thought it would be best for her not to tell him about Spencer. It seemed like she’d be kicking him when he was down. Andy didn’t need to know that she’d fallen in love with someone else.

  “You aren’t leaving him because of Spence.”