“Athir…you are always daydreaming,” Kazim said. “Come on. Let’s go.”
Athir followed his brother. “Have we gotten any response from America or Israel about releasing Fadi?” Athir asked.
“They say they need more time. Before they will consider releasing anyone, they want proof of life. We have to let them hear the girls’ voices on the phone. They have a phone number where they want us to call. It is on all of the television stations. They want us to call so they can hear the girls. Then they say that they will arrange something. I don’t trust them, but we have no other choice if we want to see Fadi again. Before we call them, we are going to move the girls, in case they are tracing the call. Then we’ll telephone them, and let them see that we have not killed the hostages.”
“When is all of this going to take place?
“The beginning of next week. We had to arrange for a safe area where we can bring the girls to make the call. Then, of course, we will need to get them there. Once we hang up the phone, we must move them to another location quickly.”
CHAPTER 35
Gerhard was biting his lip and sweating as he and Tova came close to Jerusalem. Tova could see that he’d broken out in blotches on his face and neck. She knew it was going to be difficult for him to go to Yad Vashem and admit the sins of his father and then tell them what he wanted to do.
She glanced away from the road for a minute and reached over and squeezed his hand, and then she smiled at him. He mustered a smile back. Tova could not help but admire this sad man who had come from such a dark and terrible background. He could have turned his back on his past, but he was trying. She had to admire that.
They arrived at Yad Vashem.
“Do you want to go to the hotel and check in first? Maybe you would like to freshen up a little?” she asked him.
He did, he wanted to go away from the memorial. It made him nervous. Gerhard felt like he might vomit from anxiety. But he was afraid that if he left now, he might not find the courage to return.
“No...no…let’s go in. Let’s do it now,” he said.
Tova nodded. “Okay.”
He opened the door to the building for her, and they entered. Gerhard felt dizzy as he looked around him. This was what his father had done—his own father. He could barely take a deep breath. How was he ever going to explain to these people what he wanted to do and why? Could he expect anything but hatred from them toward him?
Gerhard stood back while Tova went to the front office and asked if they could see someone who could discuss volunteer work. As they waited in an office with bright fluorescent lights blurring his vision, Gerhard wished he was on a plane back to Germany. Were the people here at Yad Vashem going to blame him? Was he going to be damned by them and ostracized for coming? His hands were shaking so hard that he could not keep them still.
“Come in,” an old woman, short in stature, with dark hair sprinkled with gray, said to them.
Tova got up and took Gerhard’s elbow. He was glad that she did because he wasn’t sure that he could stand up on his own. They entered a small office with a plain brown wooden desk and three uncomfortable chairs, two for guests, and one behind the desk.
“Hello, I’m Malka Solomon,” the woman said, extending her hand. Tova shook hands with her, and then Gerhard did as well even though his hand was trembling and wet with sweat.
“I’m Tova Ben-Levi. This is my friend, Gerhard Helmut.”
“German?”
“Yes,” he said, his voice cracking.
Tova began. “Gerhard is from Germany. He wants to talk to you about something that has been pressing on him…” She felt foolish. She had no idea what to say. It must come from Gerhard, not from her.
He seemed to realize this. Clearing his throat several times, Gerhard said, “Mrs. Solomon. It was very difficult for me to have come here. You see, my father…” He coughed. “My father…was an SS officer.”
The look on her face made him want to run, but he didn’t. Instead, he forced himself to continue. He’d come this far. He could not leave without doing something about his guilt.
“Go on…” she said.
Then he saw the tattoo on her arm. “You were in Auschwitz?” he asked.
“Yes. My family died there. I am the only survivor.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Gerhard was unable to hold back the tears. He began weeping like a child. The years of guilt of blaming himself were now all bubbling like boiling water to the surface. “I’ve come here because of what my father did. I can’t live with it. Since I found out who he was and what he did during the war, I have been racked with guilt. I can’t go on this way. I must do something.” His face was as red as ripe strawberries and wet with tears, and his nose was running. “I met Tova and I told her my situation.
She suggested that maybe you would allow me to come here once a year and speak. I want to apologize for what my father did. Maybe I can do something, something, anything… I know that no apology can bring your family back or any of the others who died—not the women, the children, or any of the poor innocent people who were murdered… My God, you have no idea how sorry I am…”
“But you were only a child.” Malka Solomon said. “You didn’t do anything.”
“He was my father. I have his blood running through my veins. I’ve even had myself sterilized so that I don’t carry on the bloodline. That was all I could do…”
“Did you want children?” Malka asked.
“Yes, I would have loved to be a father. My decision to be sterilized cost me my marriage, but I had to do it.” He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I had no choice. What if the cruelty or mental illness that had to be somewhere inside of my father, for him to do what he did, showed up in my child?”
“You think your father was mentally ill?”
“A person would have to be deranged to do something like this.”
“And you are afraid that you might also be mentally ill?”
“Of course, I am afraid. But I know that I could never kill or hurt anyone.”
“So you want to come here to Yad Vashem once a year and speak?”
“Yes.”
“It won’t be easy. There will be people who will hold your father’s crimes against you. You do understand this?”
“Yes.”
“I realize that you want to help, to redeem yourself for your father’s actions. But the truth is that you are not responsible.”
“I feel responsible. I feel I need to do this,” he said.
“The audience who comes to listen to you could very well say hurtful things. I want to make sure that you understand this. You will be putting yourself in a position for criticism.”
“Yes, I do. I understand.”
“We won’t be paying you. This is strictly volunteer work.”
“I realize this.”
“All right. Then we will put together a program, and a time for you to come once a year to speak,” Mrs. Solomon said. “I don’t know anything about your schedule. I am assuming you will be coming from Germany. This will cost you a lot of money.”
“Yes, I know. I am willing to spend the money.”
“Then talk to my secretary and tell her when the best time is for you. She will make the necessary arrangements.”
“I don’t have much to offer, I am afraid. But please, accept a small donation.” Gerhard took his wallet out of his pocket and laid a few bills on the desk.
“Thank you for your generosity,” Malka said.
Tova watched Gerhard. He was an amazing man.
Tova and Gerhard rode to the hotel in silence. They checked into separate rooms. It was two hours before Tova knocked on Gerhard’s door. He opened it and smiled.
“Do you want to go and get something to eat? I’m starving,” she said.
“That’s a good idea.”
They walked for a half of a block and then found seats at a café. After they had placed their order, Gerhard handed the menus to t
he waitress.
“Thank you for coming with me today, Tova. I couldn’t have done it alone.”
“You were very brave.”
“Was I? I don’t know. I wish that I could do something more. I wish that somehow I could change the past, change my father’s actions.”
“I know you do, Gerhard, but you can’t. We have no control over what our parents did or didn’t do. My father had a terrible temper. He hit my mother. I was just a child. What could I do? I cowered in the corner. That was all I could do. Finally, he beat her so badly that she had to be hospitalized. I blamed myself for not stopping him. But how could I? I was only ten years old.”
“You couldn’t…” he said.
“And, you couldn’t control your father, any more than I could control mine.”
They were silent for several minutes. Then the food arrived. Tova made up a sandwich with hummus and chicken, but she couldn’t eat. She took a bite and was unable to swallow. After she spit the mouthful into the napkin, she looked at Gerhard with tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be disgusting at the table.”
He shrugged. “Is something wrong with the food?”
She took a trembling breath of air, “My mother committed suicide. I found her on the bathroom floor in the morning when I got up to go to school.”
“Oh my God! Tova, I’m sorry.”
“I never told anyone this. Before she killed herself, my mother left my father. We moved in with my aunt and her husband. They had two children a boy and a girl, both a little older than me.
My mother was very depressed. Even with how my father treated her, she missed him. I tried in every way that a ten-year-old could try to make it up to her. I thought that I could be everything to her—a daughter, and a best friend, you know? I could make her happy enough to forget my father. I brought home excellent grades on my papers from school, but she just smiled and patted my head. ‘That’s very good, Tovala,’ she would say.
I saved my lunch money and bought her dried figs. She loved them. I thought maybe it would make her happy. But again, she said with a sad smile, ‘Thank you so much, my Tovala.’ She called me ‘Tovala’…”
“Oh, Tova. What can I possibly say to make you feel better.”
Tova shrugged. “We went back to my father. For a while, he was all right. Then one day he beat her again, this time, worse than ever. Again, we went back to my aunt’s house.”
She was beyond unhappy. She lay in bed all day without getting up or getting dressed. She stopped taking showers. I didn’t know which was worse, the depression she suffered when she was away from my dad, or the beatings.
I remember trying to pretend that everything was going to be all right. In fact, I made up a fantasy in my mind. I had a dream life that existed in my head. In this dream, my father came back, but this time, he was different, he was loving. He told my mother that he realized he’d made a mistake, and he had changed. Now my mother was happy. This fantasy helped me to go on with my life.
I can still remember going to school with my cousins, forcing the reality of what my mother was going through out of mind as I played on the playground.”
Gerhard reached for her hand. She allowed him to place his hand on top of hers. “I’m so sorry, Tova,” he said.
“When I found her, I was sickened, but the truth was that I wasn’t surprised. I was terrified, heartbroken, alone, and worst of all…maybe I was even a little relieved.” She looked away. “I can’t believe I just admitted that to you. But I hated to see her miserable every day, miserable, and more miserable…”
“It’s okay. I understand. I am glad that you feel you can talk to me. I feel the same way about you. Would you like to leave?”
“You haven’t finished your food…” she said.
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, I would like to go, please.”
Gerhard tossed more than enough money to cover the bill and the tip on the table. Then they walked outside. Tova leaned against the building and bent over to catch her breath. Gerhard put his arm under her elbow, and together they walked back to the hotel.
When they arrived Gerhard went to Tova’s room. He was afraid to leave her alone. She’d just relived a terrible memory, and he was not sure she could be trusted not to hurt herself.
“Let me order some wine from room service. Maybe it will help to calm your nerves,” he said.
“I think I am going to take a hot bath,” she said.
“Maybe you should wait a little while, Tova. Let’s just sit here together. Would that be all right with you?”
She looked at him. He was such a kind and gentle soul. How could his father have been such a terrible man? But she, too, was a kind and gentle soul, and wasn’t her own father a terrible man?
“Yes, I’ll sit with you.”
“Tova…”
“Yes?”
“I like you. I mean I like you very much. You are a special woman…”
She gave a harsh laugh. “Special?”
“Yes, special. You are beautiful, understanding, and warm.”
“Beautiful? I highly doubt that…” She laughed again. It was a bitter laugh.
“I mean what I am saying, Tova.”
There was a knock at the door. It was room service. Gerhard tipped the delivery man and signed the bill. After he had closed the door, he poured a small glass of red wine for Tova and another for himself.
“We should only drink a little. We haven’t eaten much today,” he said.
“I can drink and not eat. I’ve done it plenty of times,” Tova said.
They sipped the wine.
“I like you too, Gerhard. You’re a deep thinker, and you feel things very deeply, too...sort of like me.”
“I’m glad.” He smiled. “Tova?”
She cocked her head to a side…
“Can I kiss you?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
Slowly he moved closer to her. Then tenderly he took her head in both of his hands and moved his face to hers. He nibbled her lips at first and then devoured them with passion. She let out a small sigh of passion from a need that had been suppressed for many years. He inhaled the clean scent of her shampoo as she moved closer into his arms. His heart fluttered, and the desire rose within them both.
Gerhard stood up and extended his hand. Tova arose and put her hand in his. Then, he led her to the bed. Gerhard abandoned himself to his need for this woman who had captured his heart with her understanding. With gentle hands, he peeled her clothes away. Then he stood and removed his own.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I want you...”
They made love slowly and tenderly for an hour. When it was over, Tova lay in Gerhard’s arms. The room was silent except for the sound of their breathing.
“You are beautiful, no matter what you say…” he said.
She didn’t answer, but she was smiling in the darkness.
He cradled her closer to him. The warmth of her skin against his own filled the most basic of human needs, the need to be loved.
Neither spoke for several long minutes.
“I had a breakdown,” Gerhard said. “After my wife left me, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I stayed with my brother and his family for two months until I could get back on my feet.”
“Did you go to work?”
“No, I couldn’t. I took time off. My boss understood, thank God. You know Tova, I never told anyone about this. I dated a few women since my divorce, but never more than a couple of dates. They were nice ladies, but I never felt anything towards them. In fact, when I was with them I felt more alone than when I was alone. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, more than you know. I spent much of my life chasing love.” She gave a harsh laugh. “The harder I chased it, the faster it ran away from me. Every man I thought I might be able to care for walked away from me.”
“You’ve never been married.”
“N
ever.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“No, not really. I mean, there were men I wanted to be in love with because I wanted to have a family and a home of my own. But I can’t say that I truly loved them.”
He leaned down and kissed the top of her head and then squeezed her shoulder. “You are a remarkable woman, Tova Ben-Levi, a woman like I have never known before in my life.”
Again, there was silence for several minutes.
“My father taught me to whittle,” he smiled into the darkness as he recalled the memory—“to whittle.”
“You mean to carve wood?”
“Yes. You know, to make things out of wood. When I was in my teens, I made an entire chess set out of wood. Of course, my father was dead by then. But I made the chess set in honor of his memory. For me, it was a way to still feel close to him even though he was gone. It’s crazy, right? Anyway, the set was perfect, every piece a work of art.”
“That’s impressive.”
He laughed. “The funny thing or the terrible thing, depending upon how you look at it, is that I love him. I can’t help it. I know what he did and yet somehow I still love him. I hate what he did…but he was my father.”
“I know. I really understand.”
“I know you do, Tova, and that might be one of the reasons I think I am falling in love with you.”
No one had ever said those words to her before. Tova felt her heart swell, and the tears begin to take form behind her eyes. In her lonely life, she’d always kept a secret dream, the dream of a man speaking of love to her.
When she was young, she’d even had years of promiscuous sex in hopes of finding that special someone who would see beyond her plain face and ordinary body. She’d dreamed of that one person who would say, “Tova, you are my one and only.” But it had not happened and finally she’d given up.
She’d resigned herself to a life dedicated to work and caring for her precious Aya. That was until she’d met Gerhard. Now, here in the most unexpected of men, she’d found him the man who she’d searched for her entire life. God did his work in very strange ways.
Forever, My Homeland: The Final Book in the All My Love, Detrick Series Page 17