by C. R. Jane
I have never loved another person before Adeline. It's a strange thing to realize that you've gone your entire life not really caring about another being. Alexander, Dante, and Finn have practically been my brothers, but there's still always been a disconnect.
She's the only one who's been able to make it through the walls I've built up inside of me. I look around at the grisly mayhem around us. There are bodies littered around us everywhere, and the field is soaked in blood and gore. I had heard their cries when we were battling, but I'd refused to believe it could be Adeline that someone was crying for.
Anyone but Adeline.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go on from here. What is the point?
There's a knife on the ground, and I pick it up, staring at it numbly. There's blood dripping off of it, and I wonder if this is the knife that killed my love.
I drop it to the ground and wish to be anywhere but here.
Maybe this is a nightmare, and I'll wake up and she'll be with me.
Even now in death, she looks like the best thing I've ever seen.
She looks like the only real home I've ever had.
Connor
I'm numb as I watch her. I'm in a state of denial. I came to Raven Academy with one mission, to kill the vampires residing there.
But ever since Adeline and I reconnected, my only mission has been to protect her.
And to get her to forgive me and love me.
And we were there…I know we were. She loved me. I could feel it.
She was my mission.
Adeline had sucked me in from the moment I'd met her. She'd brought color into my world.
My whole existence had been based around a cause that had been drilled into me from the first moment I could remember. There was no time for feelings, for dreams, for friendships…for love.
There was only duty.
I hadn't known what I'd been missing.
And now I wished I didn't know.
Because the pain I'm currently experiencing feels like dying.
Whoever wrote that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was a fucking idiot.
They obviously never felt this.
I need to move. I need to touch her face one last time. I need to be near her. But I feel frozen in place.
Just as I finally get my feet to take a step, a small spot of bright light appears above Adeline's body.
The light grows brighter and brighter, until I'm almost blinded by it. I raise my arm in front of my face to shield my eyes. The light flashes even brighter for a second, and then it dims enough for me to lower my arm and look at it.
My jaw drops as I see three angelic specters floating above Adeline's body. They have beautiful features, but they're cold and emotionless. These aren't beings of love. They stare down at us impassively. The others have stood up from the ground and are staring up at the angels.
They are entirely white, even their eyes, which is actually quite terrifying to look at. Enormous white wings stretch out from beyond their body, easily three times the wingspan of Adeline's beautiful ones.
Alexander is the first one to realize why they are here. He throws himself over Adeline's prone body.
The angels stare at him as if he's an annoying fly that they would like to crush. There's no empathy written anywhere on their face for our current plight.
One of the angels flicks his fingers, and Alexander is tossed off Adeline as if he weighed nothing more than a speck of sand.
Finn surprises me by letting out a loud roar and charging at the angels with a drawn knife. Finn has always struck me as the least damaged of the group, but the last month has shown me that couldn't be farther from the truth. There is a dark streak that runs deep in that one, and it has only seemed to grow as the days pass.
I hold my breath, sure that they are going to kill him. But again, one of the angels simply flicks his fingers, and Finn goes flying as well.
Adeline's body begins to rise off the ground, and I snap.
They can't take her. I see that the others still standing are trying to get to Adeline as well. In just a blink, I'm scooped up into the air and thrown backwards, landing violently on the ground. My breath wooshes out of my body, and I feel a bit dizzy from hitting so hard.
I sit up shakily. One of the angels is now holding Adeline's body, and there's a glow emitting from her skin.
She looks like she could just be sleeping, and all I want to do is wake her up.
"Please," Braxton calls out in a choked voice. And this time, one of the angels gives us all an amused grin.
"Why are you sad? Because of her sacrifice, she will be going to Paradise. You would do well to cry for yourself, because you will never join her there, demon," the angel says in an ethereal voice.
The light around the angels begins to grow brighter again. I try to stare at it as long as possible so that I won't lose sight of Adeline, but eventually, it grows too bright and I have to close my eyes.
The light burns through my eyelids, and then it dims. I keep my eyes closed for longer because I know when I open my eyes again, she'll be gone.
Finn's loud cry ratchets through the air, joined by a chorus of cries from the others.
I slowly open my eyes, seeing no sign of Adeline. Even the blood from her wound has disappeared from the grass, as if she never existed at all.
My heart is beating wildly in my chest, so out of control, it feels like it might explode. I've never known pain like this. So raw and real that it feels like you could die.
I pray for death, or to forget, or a drug to stop the pain.
Adeline is gone.
Chapter 13
White is all I see when I open my eyes. The air smells like ambrosia, and there's beautiful music ringing in my ears. I look around, trying to get my bearings, but everything is unrecognizable.
Where am I?
Where are my men?
That thought sparks something in my brain, and memory after memory comes crashing through my mind. Hundreds of years appear, until I can remember every second from the time I was born to the time I died surrounded by my beloveds.
I know exactly where I am now, and I have never detested a place more.
Heaven. Paradise. Elysium. Shangri-La.
My personal hell.
Everything about this place calls to me. Everything about it is more appealing than anything I've ever seen on Earth.
But there's nothing about this place that can fix the hole that's currently residing in my heart, a hole that I know will never go away.
"Adeline," a voice whispers, and I close my eyes, savoring the sound. It's my mother. Angelique. In my soul, I knew it all along, but only now does it sweep through me with a definite knowing.
I open my eyes and there in front of me, is her. More radiant and beautiful than I could ever have comprehended on Earth.
"Darling," she breathes, and my eyes tear up because I can feel the love she has for me emanating from her.
She opens her arms, and I fall into her embrace, soaking up everything about her.
"I've waited for this day for so long," she murmurs as she strokes my hair.
"I don't understand how I'm here. I mean, I know I died, but I thought there was something wrong with my soul that I couldn't return."
She shifts me in her arms so that she can look at me. Her eyes are almost identical to mine. It's strange to see her up close. I spent most of my childhood staring at my adopted parents, trying to see myself in their features. The face staring down at me is almost a replica to my own.
"By sacrificing yourself for that vampire, your soul was perfected," she explains gently, wiping away a tear that has fallen down my face.
A sob rips through my body. "Alexander," I correct her, my heart mourning the loss of my love.
"Alexander," she repeats gently, even though I can tell that she doesn't understand, that she couldn't understand my love for them.
"You'll love it
here, darling," she says softly as she strokes my face.
"I have to get out of here," I tell her, and her eyes widen. I'm sure I sound crazed. Who gets to heaven and then wants to leave?
"Adeline, everything here is far better than whatever you left behind."
I'm already shaking my head before she's done speaking.
"You don't understand. There's nothing that this place could ever give me that I would want more than them. It's impossible for this place to be my Heaven when they aren't here with me." My wings fly out violently behind me.
Angelique is staring at me like I've lost my mind, and she doesn't know the half of it. I feel crazed, heartbroken…desperate.
There must be a way out of here. There has to be.
Death can't be the end for a love like ours.
"With time, you'll see," she finally says after a moment. She tries to lead me away, but I refuse to move.
This is where I appeared from Earth. Surely I can return the same way.
I stand there for what seems like forever, my mother watching over me the whole time…I’m sure wondering at what point did her daughter go mad.
Hours pass, and I finally come to the realization that there will be no returning for me.
I’m probably the first to come to Paradise and wish they were in Hell instead.
There’s no concept of time here. Days just stretch on and on. I find myself missing the stars…missing everything about my painful mortal existence. I try to hide my pain from my mother. Talking to her soothes the ache inside of me I’ve had since I found out that I was adopted. Angelique loves me, she’s always loved me. That much is certain.
But her love just isn’t enough.
Angelique introduces me to her friends, and the pain becomes even more real. How dare all of these beings act so happy when I feel like I’m dying inside?
My thoughts get more morose with every passing day. Have they forgotten me already? Have they fallen in love with someone else? Are they still alive? I’m desperate to see them even one more time, but my mother lets me know that isn’t possible.
Paradise truly is a terrible place.
Angelique finally has had enough of my behavior. “I think it’s time you meet your father,” she says to me when I’ve passed hours sitting in a chair, staring off into the distance without speaking. If food was necessary up here, I would have starved by now, because I barely move or do anything.
“My father?” I ask, wondering why I haven’t met him before if he was here this whole time.
“He’s an archangel. One of the seven Watchers,” she explains. “He’s very busy.”
I feel absurdly hurt that he hasn’t bothered to make time for me before this.
“You’ll understand everything soon enough, my darling. And I think after speaking with him, you will feel much better about your new life.”
Angelique takes my hand and closes her eyes. Suddenly, we’re standing in a golden room with seven white thrones on an elevated area across from us.
All of the thrones are empty, save one. There, sitting on the throne, is an imposing angel who emanates so much power that I have the urge to bow down. All of the beings here have a faint glow about them, but this angel is bursting with a white light so strong that you have to strain your eyes to actually look at him.
“Uriel,” my mother says softly, love threaded throughout her voice.
“Angelique,” he breathes, and my skin tingles watching the love between them. My heart squeezes as I think about the way that my men used to look at me. It was just like this.
After a moment, Uriel turns his gaze towards me. I’ve never seen this angel, but I can feel the love and care he has for me.
“Adeline,” he says softly. For a moment, he almost looks like he’s going to cry, and then he seems to get ahold of himself.
“Our daughter is having a bit of trouble adjusting,” Angelique explains somberly. “I thought you could help her find her way.”
Uriel stands up and begins to walk towards me. He’s imposing enough as it is with his height, but add in the power streaming out of him along with that white glow, and I have to steel myself from backing away from him.
He stops in front of me and smiles down at me lovingly, just as my foster father did on Earth. A feeling of recognition hits me just then, and my nerves slip away.
He reaches out his hand towards me.
“Take my hand,” he says.
I look down at his outstretched arm, at his palm, fingers slightly curled. His palm is so large. This angel is my father. Those words pulse over my mind, because in truth, I’m still struggling with believing I’m in Heaven. With finding out my mother is an angel.
He waits patiently until I place my hand in his. Our fingers graze, and the white world around me suddenly dissolves and becomes a glorious field. Green pasture in every direction. Tiny white flowers sway in the breeze. The wind smells of sweet clementines.
“What is this place?” I ask.
“You think Heaven is just the white dull walls you are in? It’s everything you ever want or thought you wanted rolled into one place. This is where I come when I need time to think.”
The way he speaks sounds so human. In my mind, archangels such as my father are wondrous beings who know the answers to the world instantly. But I’m wrong, I see that now.
“What does an angel need to ponder when they are living in Heaven?” I ask cheekily.
My father laughs, the sound is boisterous and beautiful to listen to. “You have so much to learn, my girl.”
I stop in the field, my hand still in his, and look up to him. The faintest wisps of powerful wings stretch out from his back. They are unimaginably large, the white feathers shivering in the breeze.
“How was my mother allowed into Heaven?” I ask, the question bursting out of me. Meeting him has reminded me of the professor’s tale of her death and how her soul had been drained by the vampires.
Uriel pauses, like he doesn’t want to tell me. “I gave her a piece of my soul so that she could be whole again and the gates of Paradise would be opened to her. I could not live without her,” he finally explains. He’s looking out at the field as he speaks, a faraway look in his eye, as if he’s in another time and place in his mind.
“But then, how was your soul whole enough to return here?” I ask, excitement building inside of me as an idea takes place.
“I am an archangel, and your mother is my one true mate. We have the power to share our souls once with our mate. A gift from God as a reward for our eternity of sacrifice and service to him.”
“Am I like that too?” I ask, unable to keep the hope from leaking out of my words.
He knows what I’m thinking, and he shakes his head at me sadly, breaking my heart once again.
“Only archangels have that ability, my love. If you were to share a piece of your soul, you would never be whole again.”
We’re quiet after that. His words strike through me, over and over again. Whole again. What does that really mean though? Am I whole right now? They tell me that I am, but this aching hole in my heart says otherwise. Whole again. Despite what they say, I am as far from whole right now as is possible without my loves.
“If this place allows me to have everything I ever wanted, does that include people?” I know the answer. How can I not? My lovers are vampires and forbidden, but I ask anyway. If anyone can know a way around it, it’s an archangel, right?
“If you are talking about the demons you associated with on Earth, then no. You cannot have them. It was a blessing you were taken when you were. Their souls have become too corrupted. They are to be wiped from the Earth’s existence. There is no redemption for any of them,” he says, anger leaking from his voice, as if he is preparing to destroy them himself.
I can’t process what he just said. I blink at him, convinced my heart has stopped beating. “Wiped from existence?” I gasp. My throat thickens, and tears are welling my eyes just going over his words in my mind
. Over and over. “You’re not serious?”
He gives a look that tells me angels rarely tell jokes that mess with someone’s heart.
“You can’t do this.” I clench my jaw and stare at my father. “You can’t be my father if you do this.” My words stumble over one another, and each breath I suck in shudders all the way down to my lungs.
“This isn’t my decision. It’s come from the top.” His eyes carry a sorrow that bleeds into my soul. He knows how much this is killing me, but he does nothing. There has to be a way. Has to be. I wipe the tears from my eyes with shaky hands. My whole body is trembling. All I can picture are my men killed for purely existing.
“Adeline, they are an abomination on Earth and never should have been allowed to exist. We are doing what should have been done so long ago. So many lives will be saved without their presence.”
“You can’t,” I cry. “You have to spare the six men who gave me their hearts. They protected me, loved me, gave me everything. They aren’t like the rest.”
I rip my hand from his grasp and the field vanishes instantly, throwing us back into the stark white existence. I wrack my mind for a solution. I’m pacing, chewing on my lower lip, and the tears won’t stop falling. I’ve lived so many lives to keep me safe, experienced so much, yet all those memories were taken from me as protection because I didn’t have a complete soul. I’ve had to build a new life for myself over and over again. Somehow, I know that in none of those lives have I ever found love like this. Now that I’ve found a way back to my parents, I’m supposed to forget them? I can’t live like this.
“What would happen if I shared pieces of my soul with them?” I ask desperately.
There’s a long pause again.
“They would be made whole, no longer needing to feed. But you, my child, would be irrevocably changed. Damned the same way they were,” he says somberly.
“Would I have to feed on souls then?” I ask, trembling.