I hear the pause in his voice, the unwillingness to come out with the elephant in the room, my obviously fuller belly. I look down at my hands, nervously playing with my fingers. “I guess I should tell you that before our night, I’d been looking at starting a donor cycle. I’ve been wanting a baby for a while. After we had our night, I went to the doctor for a checkup, just to make sure everything was healthy downstairs and my body was ready. Everything was fine, but the blood test showed I was already pregnant.”
Nic flinches, and I realize I’m walking a minefield here. “Donor cycle? You were trying to get pregnant?”
I realize how that sounds and quickly try to reassure him. “Yes, but not with you. That night, I’d made the decision to do a donor cycle, ready to be a mother even if I wasn’t a wife. That’s what I was celebrating the night we met.”
Nic looks at me sternly, his eyes flaring. “Just to be clear, you were trying to get pregnant and then somehow did get pregnant the one time we had sex. Is that what you’re saying?”
I nod, quietly agreeing. “Nic, I wasn’t trying to use you or trick you. I mean, we did use a condom. But they’re not 100%, and while it might not have been intentional, I’m happy this happened.”
“Did you . . .” He seems hesitant, but he continues with a deep breath of courage. “Did you tamper with the condom?”
The accusation stings. How dare he make it sound like I did this on purpose! I vault to my feet, my voice rising. “No, I did nothing of the sort. The condom might’ve been a little old, but not like it was expired or something. I just don’t fuck random guys that often . . . or ever, as a matter of fact.”
I see the betrayal in his eyes, feel the anger radiating off him in waves, but I’m still unprepared when he pops the question that’s been hanging between us like an elephant in the room. “Are you sure it’s mine?”
Like a knife right to my heart, he goes for the kill. Like it fucking matters if it’s his or not after basically accusing me of seducing him for his sperm? I grit my teeth together, my eyes narrowing as I get to my feet, pointing toward the door. “Get the fuck out! Get out!”
I dissolve into hysterics, yelling and pushing at him, my arms flailing wildly as I maneuver him toward the front door. “Go! Just get out!”
Nic lifts his hands defensively before turning to walk out the door. There’s a pause as he has to twist the lock, not quite the dramatic ‘rip open the door and walk into the evening darkness’ maneuver you see on TV. He turns back just before opening it, his anger still flaring in his eyes but his voice calm and determined. “This isn’t over. We’re not done talking about this.”
He gets the door open and disappears into the night. I hold it together for one more breath, just long enough for him to get out of sight, and then collapse to the floor, my body wracked with sobs as I wail.
God, I fucked this up so badly.
Chapter 12
Nicolas
I can’t help leaving Rose’s boutique in a near-rage, stomping across the parking lot before hopping in my car and driving back to the Mountain Spirit Resort. Before I know it, I find myself in the hotel bar, ironically the same hotel bar I first met Rose in.
“What’s your whimsy?” the bartender asks. “You look familiar.”
“Been here once before . . . and a double scotch, Glenlivet if you’ve got it. Neat,” I reply in a tone that says very clearly, ‘don’t ask.’ Besides, I seriously doubt he remembers me, probably something to spark up conversation.
The bartender gets my drink and I take a sip, the aged oak burn sliding down my throat and evaporating in my stomach while my brain swirls, lost in thoughts of what just happened.
Rose is pregnant.
Yep. That’s pretty much a given.
Pregnant with my baby.
Well, we could still call Maury Povich, but yeah, there’s a good chance that you ARE the father.
How did this happen?
You know, when a man and woman love each other very much, they wiggle their bodies together and that sends a signal to the land of the storks . . .
I never expected anything like this. I was coming back to town for a work trip, again, as always, and thought maybe I could see Rose one more time. Not for a booty call, though I admit I wouldn’t have complained about a happy ending.
We’d had such a hot night, and I’ve never felt chemistry like that with anyone before. Beyond that, I hadn’t really given it much thought until I saw her, her blonde hair floating out behind her like there were wind currents flowing by just for the chance to caress her hair.
I knew it was her instantly, but all of my joy faltered when I saw her rounded belly. Granted, it didn’t cross my mind that the baby she was carrying was . . . mine.
The word smacks me right in the brain. And again, I’m lost. Pregnant. My baby.
“I’m going to be a father,” I say to myself out loud. The words seem alien to me. Not that I never wanted to be, but I never expected it to be like this. I press back from the bar, tossing the rest of my scotch to burn down my throat, needing some privacy for the panic attack I’m afraid is coming.
Now? Of all the fucking times? I mean, I went through an acre of shit after meeting her the first time, and I’ve just started to pull myself out of that rut.
I virtually stomp to my room, leaning back against the door as it closes. I lift my chin, closing my eyes and talking out loud to the empty room. “I don’t know how to be a father. I barely feel like I can take care of myself half the fucking time. What am I going to do?”
I need to talk to someone, someone who’ll help me get my shit straight, because I’m veering a hard left into uncharted territory. I honestly feel like I just stepped off a bridge, intent on BASE jumping . . . and I now realize that’s not a parachute I’m holding but an umbrella from the dollar store.
Grabbing my phone, I dial Wes. He’s one of my only friends and I’m glad when he answers on the second ring. “Hey, buddy, you already get the contract approved and signed? Damn, I figured it’d take you until at least tomorrow. You’re a beast, man!”
It takes him a moment to realize that I’m silent, just breaths coming through the line. Contract? Shit, of all the things to think about. I’ve got more obligations now, and I don’t know how the fuck to balance it all. I take a deep breath, calming myself.
Wes speaks up again, his voice more subdued and concerned. “Hey, Nicolas? You there, man? Everything okay?”
I let out a shaky breath, running a hand through my hair as I feel my throat constrict while I try to fight back the tsunami of feelings inside. “Wes . . . she’s pregnant.”
There’s a stunned silence on the other end, and when Wes answers, I can hear the confusion in his voice. “Huh? Who’s pregnant?”
Pulling myself together with sheer will, I try to get it all out. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get through this again for a while. “Rose. She’s the woman here that I met last time. Remember when I told you about her? I saw her today and . . . she’s pregnant.”
Wes hums soothingly, supportively as he lets the news hit him. “Okay, she’s pregnant. First things first, I guess. Is uh . . . well, is it yours?”
I clear my throat, trying to get the words out. “It’s mine. Yeah, it’s mine.” Saying it out loud to another person makes it feel a little more real somehow. There’s no running, no hiding, although I’m not sure that’s even what I want to do. I’m just shaken, surprised at the turn of events I never saw coming.
Wes has always been the rational, proactive side of our Yin-Yang. That’s what makes our business so successful, and I’m reminded why I appreciate him when he automatically goes into planning mode. Instead of offering congratulations or condolences, his mind just shifts into ‘well, now what?’ mode. “Okay, so it’s your baby. What do you want? What does she want? And are they the same thing?”
All very good questions. I can almost imagine him scribbling them down on the legal pad he keeps next to his laptop for brainstor
ming ideas, but I have no idea of the answers. “I don’t know. She got mad and kicked me out.”
Wes’s voice raises a notch, in surprise or anger, I’m not sure. “Why would she do that?”
“I kinda fucked up. Long story short, I asked if she sabotaged the condom. And I asked the same thing you did, if the baby is mine.”
Wes sighs loudly, and I can picture him pinching his nose between his fingers like he always does when he’s exasperated. “Fair questions given the circumstances, if you ask me, but maybe not the best phrasing. I mean, this isn’t like asking if a customer intentionally fucked up something on a shipment.”
“I know,” I reply, starting to feel slightly calmer. “I was just surprised and confused and wasn’t thinking before I spoke. Holy shit, man, I’m going to be a father.”
Wes’s voice calms me as he continues. “Okay, back to the original questions. What do you want and does she want the same thing? Do you want to be involved? You’ve always been a man on the move, nomadic and chasing after the next new thing. This could change your life. Or not.”
I try to imagine myself traveling for work every week, going from place to place, all while Rose would be here creating a home for our baby. Our baby who wouldn’t even know me. Imagining myself as the guy who comes through every once in awhile with presents from afar, t-shirts from Tacoma and bumper stickers from Brooklyn or something, begging for awkward hugs, only to run off again.
The image makes me sick. I try to imagine an alternative, one where I’m holding a little blonde baby girl, sitting in the grassy yard with her as we wait for Rose to come home from work.
While that sounds idyllic, I’m not sure I’m set up to stay here all the time. What would it mean for me and my career? Besides, am I ready for that sort of life, the same day on repeat like it’s that Groundhog Day movie I’ve watched on reruns late at night?
Reruns about a day on repeat . . . the irony there makes me huff a bit, considering my life.
“Wes, I’ll do the contract while I’m here,” I finally say, “but I’m going to need some time. Check in with my assistant about my upcoming visits for the next few weeks and see who you can get to cover them. Also, Rose insisted that she tried to get in contact with me about three months ago, but I never got anything. I know that was right about the time we were busy as hell and having a few IT issues, but still, that was an important fucking message. If you need me, give me a call, but I need to stay in town here. I hope you can understand.”
“Sure thing, Nicholas. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll take care of things here. And man, good luck. It sounds like you’re gonna need it.”
“I appreciate that, and thanks for not saying it . . . contract first, then Rose. Don’t worry, I’ll get that handled quickly and then see what’s here and how this is gonna work.”
Wes makes a sound that I swear sounds like a cheer. “All right, Nic. Get your personal stuff settled and then we’ll talk.”
“Talk?” I ask. “About what?”
Wes sighs, I know he doesn’t want to bring this up right now. “Nic, you’re my boy and I understand that family comes first. But we need you. Hell, I need you to keep us growing and selling. I’ll do what I can to rearrange everything for the short term, but long term, we might need to revamp your role if you want the chance to be a father. If that’s your plan. Some food for thought. Good luck, man. It sounds like you’re gonna need it.”
I hang up the phone, a new fear settling in my heart after the feeling wears off.
How in the fuck is this gonna work?
I can’t go and leave my baby. I don’t even know if she wants me to stay. But I know that’s my baby in her belly, and I can’t imagine being an asshole who never knew his child.
Chapter 13
Rose
After my wild and crazy fit last night, Nic is the last person I expect to see in the shop today. What I really want is to finish up the day’s work, flip the sign on the door, and hide in a nest of comfy blankets and eat ice cream with pretzels. At least my weird cravings have settled a bit, the desire for salty pickles at least giving way to pretzels, which seems a bit more normal with the sweet, creamy ice cream.
But right at six as I go to turn the sign over, here he is again. Nic walks in like he’s stepping on eggshells, visibly making himself smaller and less threatening somehow, and I can’t decide if I like that he’s deferring to me somewhat or if I hate it because that’s not who he really is.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I stare him down. No way am I letting him off the hook after the bullshit he tried to pull last night.
“What?” Nic looks at me calmly, no sign of the fight we had, his voice even. “Can we talk, Rose? Not like yesterday. We need to have a real conversation.”
I know he’s right. If nothing else, we need to do this so that we can move forward and he can move on, if he’s doing what I expect.
“Fine, come on.”
Just like last night, we walk to the back room. I settle into my chair and Nic grabs the same chair he used last night and flips it around, straddling it as he faces me. Probably a bad omen, but we need to just get this done.
He looks at me for a moment, like he’s gathering his thoughts. “First, I want to apologize. I didn’t intend to sound so . . . mean last night. I was just in shock, I guess.”
I nod, wanting to get this over with. If he’s here to say he doesn’t want any part of things, then I can deal with it. But I don’t want to drag the whole fucking thing out. “Fine. Just so we’re clear, I didn’t do anything to the condom, and I’m sure it’s yours because you’re the only guy I’ve slept with in . . .” I pause, chastising myself for not just stopping at ‘it’s yours.’ Jeez, what a way to sound like a desperate baby-making wench. “Let’s just say it had been a while.”
Nic nods, giving me a hint of that same amused smirk that made me want to fuck him three times in one night. “I know. I mean, I figured. It had been a while for me too. Work. I love it but I hate it.”
There’s a tender note in the room as we both let that sink in. Somehow, in this weird roll of the dice that is the universe, two people who were running long dry streaks met, clicked, and in a single torrid night of passion that obviously made a memory for both of us, we kindled the life that’s now growing inside my belly.
I continue, setting aside the philosophy lesson for later. “And contrary to what you seem to think, I’m not some conniving shrew who wanted to lock you down. That’s why I left you alone. You didn’t ask for this then, and I don’t need you now.”
Nic’s voice is gravel, his eyes going flinty as he figures out his reply. “Why didn’t you at least tell me? I would have liked to be given the choice.”
I shrug, not knowing exactly how to explain it all. “I did call. In fact, it took a little work to track you down. I found your number, called your office to speak with you, and left a very precise message with your conscientious-sounding assistant. She said you were out of state, but she’d give you the message. I didn’t hear from you, so I figured you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Nic shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling. “I swear I never got a message. I did go out of town . . . well, I’m always out of town, actually, but I went off-grid for a few weeks. I got back and had tons of messages but nothing from you. There were some IT problems at the time. Things might have gotten lost.”
I fall off my high horse a bit, the honesty in his voice telling me he’s not just giving me a line of shit to try and assuage my feelings. “You didn’t get my message? You didn’t just ditch me as a random one-night stand in a place you never planned to visit again?”
Nic leans forward, taking my hands in his and looking into my eyes. “Rose, that night we shared was amazing. When you were gone the next morning with barely a Thank You note, I just figured it was a one-night stand that would never be topped. And when I never heard anything, it just confirmed it. I’ve spent the past five months trying to get you out of
my mind, and I haven’t been able to. I did come here for work, but I was hoping to see you again.”
I smile, a little bit of ice around my heart melting. “It was hard making that call. Really, you didn’t want this so I’m not going to be angry. I didn’t ask you to get me pregnant. If you’re out, it’s okay, no hard feelings.”
Nic smiles back at me, a dimple popping deep into his cheek. “You’re pregnant with our baby.”
“Yep, that’s how it works. Unless it’s an immaculate conception.”
He squats down so fast I think he’s going to fall to his knees, and I worry for a second before he smiles more, bringing his face close to my tiny baby bump. “My baby.” Sitting back on his haunches, a huge smile breaks across his face as he shakes his head, looking up at me with an innocent wonder that makes him look not only handsome and sexy, but young too, like some impossible figure who’s wise and youthful at the same time. “I have no idea what to do, what to say, what to think . . . but I want to figure it out. Together.”
I smile back, wanting to reach out and take his hand, but I stop myself. We’re not there yet. “That sounds great, Nic. Because we don’t even really know each other. We’re about to be parents and I don’t know you.”
Nic hums and nods. “All right, so we may be doing this backward, but I want to know you. You’re going to be the mother of my child, after all. So, Rose, how about some dinner?”
I laugh a little. This is just so damn ridiculous that it’s the only reaction I can have. “You mean like a date?”
He nods, reaching forward and taking my hand, another little spark jumping between us as he does. “No, not like a date. A date. That’s what people usually do, right? So let’s date, get to know one another.”
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