An hour before my surgery, my family went to the hospital cafeteria to get some breakfast while Lance sat in a chair in my hospital room, studying. He looked up when he noticed me stirring after a short nap.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked.
“Lance Stone, you are a dead ringer for Tobey Maguire. Have I told you that?”
“Yeah, like nine hundred times in the last three days.” We laughed. I was on so many drugs, I couldn’t even remember what day of the week it was. “Do you like Tobey Maguire?” he asked.
“He seems nice, and he’s cute.” That made Lance smile.
“I can’t be here when you get out of surgery but your family will be. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who still has a final left.”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve done enough.”
He looked at me tentatively. “I know there’s nothing between us, Penny, but I’d like there to be.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He stood and came toward me. Taking my hand in his, he said, “I know this isn’t the first thing on your mind, but I want to see you through this thing. I’ll be here for you, and then you can decide if you want there to be something more between us, too.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
Moments later, my family was back and the nurses were prepping me for surgery. My dad held my hand as they wheeled my bed down the hallway.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. I love you.”
My mom mouthed the words, I love you, too.
“Count backwards from twenty, Penny,” someone said.
“Twenty, nineteen, eighteen —”
“PENNY.” A SHORT brown-haired nurse I had never seen before was hovering over me. “You’ve just had surgery and you’re in recovery. You’re coming out of the anesthesia. How are you feeling?”
“Gonna throw up.” They sat me up and gave me a little tub to throw up into.
My parents came in and stood on either side of my bed. “The doctor said the surgery went well,” my father said. “You have a long road ahead of you, but this was the first step and it was a success.”
I don’t think I even cared at that point, I was so exhausted and depressed. “Oh. Good. Where’s Keeks?”
“She’s at a friend’s,” my mother said.
They wheeled me back to my regular hospital room and tried to get me to eat some broth, which I threw up immediately afterward.
At around six p.m., my mother was getting ready to leave.
“You should go too, Dad. You need a shower. Your pits are stinking up this entire hospital floor.”
“Our funny little Sweet Pea is back,” my dad said.
“Just go, I’ll be fine. I’m gonna take a nap.”
“Come on, Liam,” my mom said. They held hands and started to leave the room together. Were things getting better between them? Had my injury brought them closer? Hopefully something good comes out of this.
My dad stopped in the doorway and turned around. “Please try to eat something, Penny.”
“I will, Dad. Don’t worry.”
Doug came to see me shortly after my parents left. He told me the dean at CSU had questioned Joey about the accident, and that the dance department was withholding his degree. He told me my life wasn’t over, that I’d get better, that I’d find satisfaction as a teacher. None of this brought me any relief.
He hugged me and told me to hang in there, then he left. Once he was gone, I flipped on the TV and dozed off to the opening jingle of The Golden Girls.
WHEN I WOKE up, the room was dark and the TV was off. My knee was aching so intensely I thought I was going to die. I went to press the button on the remote to call the nurse but was startled by a figure in the corner, leaning up against the wall. He stepped into the light.
“Gavin?”
His expression was one of deep sorrow. There were tears in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, P,” he choked out.
“I need morphine,” I said.
He went to the door and peeked into the hallway. “She’s in a lot of pain,” he told someone before coming to my bedside. He collapsed onto my chest, tucking his head under my chin. I felt his body shaking. He was really crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. I didn’t hold him. I couldn’t bring myself to show him any affection. My arms stayed at their sides.
“Where have you been?”
He stood and wiped tears from his face. “Lottie threw my phone into a lake. I called your parents’ house the day after your performance but no one answered. I thought everything went well. You had that routine down. When I called your cell, it went straight to voicemail.”
“You got into a fight with Lottie and left the auditorium. I saw you.”
“I’m sorry, Penny. I fucked up.” The nurse came in and pushed morphine into my IV. “I finally got ahold of your mom this morning and she told me what happened,” Gavin said. “I went looking for Joey. I was gonna break his legs.”
“Please don’t do that. He’s going to be punished. Believe me.”
“How do you feel?” He was searching my eyes.
“Fucking fantastic. Did you and Lottie break up?”
He studied me closely. “No, we just had a fight.”
“You missed my performance because you got into a fight with your girlfriend. You weren’t there for me like you said you would be. You should leave. I don’t know why you’re here.”
“I’m trying to be here for you now. I told you I’m sorry. It was a miscommunication, Penny. A badly timed fight. That’s all.”
I started feeling groggy from the meds. “You said you wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I slurred. “What a lie.”
“Penny, I love you. You’re my best friend. I fucked up and I’m sorry.” He was squeezing my hand. “Please forgive me.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m dating Lance now,” I lied.
He swallowed hard. “What? I thought you didn’t date.”
“I never said that. I said that I wasn’t ready to date when we met. I said I would see where our friendship took us, and I asked you to wait. You didn’t. And when I needed you most, you weren’t there. I hardly knew Lance before this accident but he’s been here every day—unlike you. The only reason he’s not here now is because he’s taking his last final. In fact, he’ll be here soon.”
Gavin was shaking his head.
“You should leave before he gets back.”
“You’re overreacting,” he said. “Don’t go jumping into some bio-nerd’s arms.”
“I resent that. My father is a microbiologist. A very intelligent, kind, loving, loyal, and reliable man.”
“How many times am I going to have to say I’m sorry?”
“Until I feel like forgiving you, I guess. Look at me!” I pointed to my knee, wrapped in a wad of bandages and elevated in a sling.
“I’m looking at you. I always see you, Penny.” His eyes were intense.
“No, look at me.” I started to cry. “I’ll never dance again.”
“Shhh, don’t cry, please. Your mother said the surgery was a success.”
“I’ll never dance again. Not like before.”
The nurse came in. Gavin and I went quiet. She saw the tears and said, “I’ll ask the doctor to up your dosage. We brought it down before you went into surgery, but clearly you’re in a lot of pain.”
“Thank you,” I mumbled, though I wasn’t in the kind of pain she thought I was.
Gavin was staring—no, more like glaring—at me. The nurse came back a moment later and pushed more morphine through my IV.
That heavy-chested feeling hit me again and my vision got fuzzy. Gavin’s expression turned sympathetic. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I shook my head.
“Don’t date that guy. Please, P.”
“Go.”
“I love you.”
“Go be with Lottie.” I was fading from the meds. “Go,” I slurred, and then
I was out.
19. Three Months Ago
GAVIN
“Ahh!” Penny was screaming with delight as she turned the go-cart swiftly and spun out into the guardrail. When I bumped into her, Milo flew by us in his cart.
Some worker kid yelled, “No bumping!”
Penny was laughing hysterically. “I’m gonna pee my pants,” she squeaked.
“Don’t do that!” I shouted. She was as red as a tomato.
“You’re smiling, Berninger.”
“Am I?”
“I love your smile. I’m glad it’s back.” Penny pointed to Milo in his go-cart, way ahead of us. “Come on,” she said, “he’s kicking our ass. We can’t let him win.”
She took off. I followed behind her, smiling again as I listened to her scream and squeal. She flew from one side of the track to the other with total abandon. Penny was a bad driver, even in a go-cart. Milo crashed in front of us right before the finish line and got stuck. Penny flew by him, yelling, “Ha ha, sucker!” She threw her arms up and grabbed the checkered flag from the worker’s hand.
“Hey!” he yelled, but she couldn’t hear him over her own hysterical laughter.
After she took off her helmet, her hair was flying everywhere. The worker kid came and grabbed the flag out of her hand. “You’re not supposed to do that,” he said.
“I won, though. Don’t I get to keep that thing?”
“No,” he said as he walked away.
She looked at me and smirked. “Twenty bucks for five minutes—in the off-season, no less! I win and I don’t even get to keep the checkered flag.”
“Your hair looks really good right now.”
She socked me in the arm. “Come on, I have to get home and help Milo with some stupid project.”
“Okay.”
I tried to hold her hand on the way to the car, but she pulled out of my grasp.
“Not in front of Milo.”
“That stuff doesn’t even faze him.”
“Yes, it does.”
She drove home like a maniac and I had to remind her we weren’t in go-carts anymore.
Leaving me in the driveway of my dad’s house, she pulled away and then stopped and rolled down the passenger-side window.
“Good day today, huh?”
“Yep,” I said, nodding. “Thanks, you guys.”
I threw up a peace sign at her and she cruised down the street to her house.
My dad’s house was dark and deafeningly quiet. I grabbed a thicker jacket, a beer from the fridge, and my guitar and went out onto the porch. I messed around on the guitar all night, drinking to hopefully pass out later. On my fourth beer, I heard the unmistakable sound of Penny’s ankles cracking and Buckley’s leash jingling.
“Hey,” she said from the curb as Buckley took a shit on my dad’s front lawn.
“Really, Buckley? You fucker!”
“He likes this lawn,” Penny said, laughing. “He shits on it every morning.”
I huffed. “I know. I can’t believe you leave it.”
“I thought it would give you something to do.”
“You’re helping your grieving friend by making him pick up moist dog poop every day?”
“Well, does it make you mad?”
“Yeah, it does.” She came walking up to the porch and sat down next to me while Buckley stayed on the icy lawn.
“Perfect, then I have successfully redirected your anger. Now, tell me why you’re sitting out here in the cold.” It was the end of February so it was still pretty chilly.
“It’s hard to be in there sometimes.”
“I can understand that. But it will go away, trust me.”
“I’m not staying here, Penny. I’ll rent it out or sell it, but I’m not staying—it’s too hard. We’ve already talked about this. As soon as I go through all my dad’s stuff, I’m going back to Denver.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t bug you about it anymore. Let’s talk about something less loaded. How was your date with Briel?” She grinned devilishly.
“Ha! As if she didn’t tell you herself. It was two dates, actually. We got coffee the first time and then I saw her band play the other night. She’s a great singer.”
Penny was nodding. “She is. But do you like her?”
I shrugged. “It’s hard to know how I feel. I know it’s already been two months, but Dad’s death is still so fresh in my mind. I’ll say this: Briel’s nice, I enjoy her company, and she’s decent looking.”
She elbowed me in the ribs. “You’re so shallow. She’s beautiful.”
“She is beautiful. Not like you, though.”
“So you’re gonna go out with her again?”
“Yeah, I guess. I like her accent. The way she says my name, Gaveen. And her visa expires in three months.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Is that a plus because you know you won’t have to commit?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
She elbowed me again.
“No, we had fun. She came back to my apartment after the show and I played her some songs and she sang along. But they don’t mean anything.”
“The songs?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Penny,” I warned. The fact was that I had slept with Briel, but it was awkward as hell. Not passionate. It felt like she was fawning over me. She told me tall American men were like unicorns in her country. I guess it did make me feel good, but the feeling was short-lived. I’d take go-carts, celibacy, and Penny over Briel any day.
Penny and I still had a spark that couldn’t be snuffed out. All the plans I’d drawn for the life I thought we’d have together were playing out in some parallel universe. Even if I was stuck in this stupid version of us, where she was encouraging me to go out with other women, I knew there was a Penny and Gavin living as a couple out there, right along beside us.
Penny shivered, and I put my arm around her. “Wait, did you say your apartment? When did you go back to Denver? I didn’t even notice you’d left.”
“I just went for the day last Saturday. I don’t tell you everything, you know? Anyway, you’re the one who pushed her on me. Now I think she’s in love with me. I guess her mom’s coming to visit and she wants me to meet her.”
“Wow, that was fast.” She stared straight ahead. “And for the record, I didn’t push her on you. I just suggested you date her to take your mind off things.” She huffed. “I should get going before you-know-who sends a search party out for me.”
“Wait, let me play you something. Have you ever heard the song ‘Joy’ by Iron and Wine?”
“I don’t know that I have,” she said.
“Let me play it for you. I’ve been listening to it a lot, and it reminds me of you. I appreciate what you’ve done for me and I want you to know it.”
“I’m sold. Play it.”
I started strumming and singing:
Born bitter as a lemon, but you must understand
That you’ve been bringin’ me joy
“Stop!” She cut me off. She was crying. “Stop, please.”
I put down the guitar and took her in my arms. “It’s true, Penny. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know how I would have gotten through these last two months.”
She sniffled and we held each other for a long time.
“Penny!” I heard her husband yell from their lawn. “Are you out here?”
She jumped up and grabbed Buckley. “Shit, I have to go.”
She walked briskly down the street, ankles cracking, knees popping. I stood on the sidewalk and watched. I heard Penny yelling but knew I shouldn’t get involved. I loved her, after all. What was I supposed to do?
20. Fourteen Years Ago
PENNY
Lance came to almost every single one of my physical therapy sessions in between finals and graduation. I was trying to rehab my knee but progress was slow. Almost every session ended in frustration, but Lance had the patience of a saint.
On Commence
ment Day, Doug wheeled me up the ramp to the stage to receive my diploma. Although I technically hadn’t completed my final’s performance, Doug had given me an A and some good news: Joey wouldn’t be graduating.
I didn’t press charges against Joey. The university basically rejected all his pleas to transfer his dance credits to another college after Doug filed a report about the incident and the months leading up to it. I don’t know where he went, but I never saw him or heard from him again.
As we all hung out after Commencement, I could tell Gavin was no longer standoffish toward Lance. He had no right to be. He was swept up in Lottie, and Lance was there for me in ways Gavin couldn’t be. I had forgiven him, and we had fallen back into our friendly routine of hanging out once a week or so, but something had changed between us. I think we could both sense it.
“Congrats, P,” he said as he bent to kiss my cheek.
“Thanks. Congrats to you, too. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your engineering department ceremony yesterday. You know I can’t miss a single PT session, right?”
“Don’t sweat it,” he said. “My mom and dad were there. Lottie, too.”
Gavin, Lottie, Ling, Lance, my family, and I were all by a tree waiting for the parking lot to clear out after the ceremony. My dad was getting over a nasty bout of pneumonia and was hacking pretty badly, but he still had dragged himself out of bed to see his baby girl graduate.
“Liam,” Gavin said, “why don’t you guys take off so you can go home and get some rest? We’ll take Penny out to celebrate.”
I noticed Lottie’s shoulders sag. She whispered something to Gavin. “We’ll do that tomorrow,” he whispered back. She pouted but we all ignored her.
My parents and Kiki hugged me good-bye and headed toward the car, leaving me with Lance, Ling, and the two lovebirds.
Lance was checking his voicemail and smiling. “Yes! I have an interview tomorrow at a huge pharma company. I’m stoked—it’s already starting!”
I high-fived him. “We all have so much to celebrate. Let’s get outta here.”
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