My God ' I I don't know what to say to all of you, he said, looking deeply moved. For once, I'm completely speechless. If I have won this, and I certainly don't deserve it, it's because of all of you, and your kindness to me over the years, your decency, your hard work, the goals you've helped me achieve, and the extraordinary moments we've shared. I salute all of you, he said to the audience, with tears in his eyes, as Allegra felt hers roll down her cheeks and Alan put an arm around her shoulders. I thank you for all that you've meant to me, and done for me, and given me. You are the great human beings here, along with my wife, Blaire, my daughter Allegra, my two children at home, Scott and Sam, and all of you whom I've worked with, and I remain your humble servant. And with that he left the podium, and the entire audience in the grand ballroom of the Hilton Hotel gave him a standing ovation. He was truly the great man they said he was, and Allegra stood there and cried tears of pride and joy for her father.
It had been, in many ways, a wonderful evening, and as they all gathered up their things, Allegra told Alan that she wanted to go and see her mother. He told her he'd wait for her at the table with Carmen, and she found her mother in the midst of a group of friends and colleagues a few minutes later.
Allegra gave her a big hug, and told her she loved her. Are you okay? she asked in a whisper, and her mother nodded. Her eyes were still damp from the tears she had shed for Simon. It had been an important night for him, and she was happy for him, and proud enough of him to forget her own disappointment.
We'll just have to try harder next year, Blaire said, apparently undaunted, but Allegra saw something in her eyes that she didn't like, and as she left her and approached where her father stood, she noticed her mother glance nervously in his direction. He was speaking to Elizabeth Coleson, a director she knew he had worked with. She was English and very unusual, in that she was very young, and had already been made a Dame in England in recognition of her enormous talent. They were deep in conversation, and her father was laughing, and there was something infinitesimally intimate about the way they stood. It was nothing Allegra could put a finger on, but it was just a feeling she got as she watched them. And then, before she could pursue the thought at all, her father turned away from Elizabeth and saw her. He beckoned to her immediately, and introduced her as the only respectably employed person in their family, and Elizabeth Coleson laughed a deep, husky laugh as she shook Allegra's hand and told her how pleased she was to meet her. She was only five years older than Allegra, and she had the sexual quality that some English women had, seeming very alluring while remaining enticingly aloof, and making no visible effort to be sexy, but achieving it totally because they didn't pursue it. Looking at her, Allegra thought she exuded sex and talent. There was an I-just-got-out-of-bed quality about her that made you wonder if she was wearing anything at all under her rather plain, somewhat out-of-date navy blue evening gown. It was obvious even to Allegra that her father liked her.
They chatted for a few minutes, and she told her father how proud she was of him. He gave her a big hug and a kiss, but when she left them, Allegra still had a faintly uneasy feeling about Elizabeth Coleson. She went back to her own table then, and the next time she looked over at them, she could see that her mother had joined them. And Allegra sensed easily that it had been a difficult evening for her mother, though she would never have admitted it to anyone, even to her older daughter. She was desperately worried about her show anyway. After nine years, it was hard enough to keep it interesting and keep it going. They had lost some important advertisers recently, as a result of the ratings dip. And not winning an award could make the ratings drop even further.
But Allegra could see yet another kind of worry in her mother's eyes tonight, and she wondered if it had anything at all to do with Elizabeth Coleson, or if she was imagining it, and Blaire was just dismayed that her show hadn't won the award after all. It was hard to tell with her mother. Blaire Scott was a pro, and a consummate good sport. On the way out, at least a dozen reporters asked her how she felt about not winning. She expressed her excitement for the writer/producer who had won the award, and her admiration for that show, and as usual, she was completely gracious. She said how much her husband's awards meant to her, and what an exceptional human being he was, and that maybe it was time for some of the younger, and very talented, people to be recognized.
On their way out, Carmen was set upon by reporters again, even more so than on the way in, and the fans went wild when they saw her. They threw flowers at her, and reached for her, and a teddy bear almost hit her in the head as a woman threw it at her, screaming her name. But fortunately, Alan caught it.
Just like football, he grinned at Allegra. Much to his own surprise, he had actually enjoyed the evening. And he suggested to Allegra that they go to a fifties-style restaurant he knew for a hamburger, and they take Carmen and Michael with them.
It took them half an hour to get back into the car again, and by the time they did, they all felt as though they had been pawed and mauled and dragged around by ten thousand hands and twice as many reporters.
God, I think I want to be a bagger at Safeway when I grow up, Michael said from the front seat with an exhausted groan, and they all laughed. But when Alan suggested a hamburger to him he said he was wiped out, and was working on a film, and had an early studio call the next morning. He said that if they didn't mind, he wanted to go home, and Carmen said that was fine. She was happy to go out with Allegra and Alan.
They dropped him off first and then went to Ed Debevic's on La Cienega, and Carmen said she was only sorry she couldn't change into a T-shirt and blue jeans.
So am I, Alan said wickedly as the two women laughed. Actually, I'll bet you look incredible in jeans. How about coming to Malibu with me tomorrow so I can decide what I like you in better, red evening dress or blue jeans? You know, kind of like the Miss America Pageant ' hell, you could win the Miss Congeniality Award ' or the bathing suit competition' . Carmen was laughing at him, and Allegra grinned as they slipped into a booth, and a few of the regulars watched them, as Carmen's two bodyguards slipped into their own booth. It was after midnight.
Alan ordered a double cheeseburger and a chocolate malt, which reminded Allegra of their youth, and she ordered a cup of coffee and a side of onion rings, which was all she wanted. And they all smiled at the waitress, done up in fifties housewife garb. She looked just like Ethel on I Love Lucy.
What about you, Miss Best Actress of the Year? Alan asked Carmen, and she giggled. He had a nice quality with her, part big brother and part romantic hero, and Allegra had to admit as she looked at him that he was everything most women wanted. She had just known him for too long to ever take him seriously, or be turned on by him. And all she wanted now anyway was Brandon.
I'll have apple pie a la mode and a strawberry milkshake, Carmen said, feeling wicked.
Now that we've all won our awards, to hell with calories, give me greasy food before I die, he said, and then gave Carmen a squeeze and a look of admiration. You were great tonight, by the way. You handled it a hell of a lot better than I could have at your age. All that star stuff is pretty goddamn scary. Only another person who lived with the same pressures and pains really understood it, although Allegra did because she lived so close to it.
Every time they come at me, photographers or fans, I just want to run back to Oregon, Carmen said with a sigh.
Tell me about it. Allegra rolled her eyes, and then looked at her more seriously. Alan's right, you were terrific. I was very proud of you.
Me too, Alan said softly. For a minute there, I was afraid they'd trample you on the way in. The press and the media sure get out of hand, don't they? But the bodyguards Allegra had hired had done a good job, she thought, as she glanced over at them at their separate table.
The press scares me to death, Carmen confessed, not that anyone was surprised to hear it. And then Alan asked Allegra how her mom had been when she went over to see her.
Upset, I think, not
that she'd ever admit it. She's too proud to ever let anyone know she was hurting. And she probably had mixed emotions. I know she was happy for my dad. But she's been pretty worried about her show and this won't help it. When I went over to talk to her, she was telling my father how great he is, and he looked very excited. I think the humanitarian award really meant a lot to him. More so even than the one for his picture.
He really deserves it, Alan said, and Carmen looked longingly at Allegra.
I sure would like to be in one of his pictures.
I'll say something to him, she said. He was probably interested in her too. She was a big name at the box office, and she had a rapidly growing talent. But Allegra didn't say anything to either of them about Elizabeth Coleson. It was the first time she had ever seen her father look quite that way at anyone other than her mother, but it was probably just professional admiration, and the look she had seen in her mother's eyes was probably just raw emotion after a very exciting night, full of roller-coaster rides of pride and disappointment.
They left Ed Debevic's at two o'clock, after talking about what it had been like to go to Beverly Hills High School, and what Carmen's childhood had been like in Portland. Hers sounded a lot more normal to them than theirs had been, and it made it even harder for her to adjust to the insanity of her life now with tabloids and paparazzi, and awards, and death threats.
Just an ordinary life we all lead, Alan said with a look of amusement as they got back into the limousine, and he pulled Carmen onto his lap, and she made no attempt to escape him.
Would you two like me to take a cab? Allegra teased. It had become even more obvious in the last two hours that they were both extremely attracted to each other.
How about the trunk? Alan asked, and Allegra got into the car and gave him a shove, as Carmen laughed at both of them. In some ways, she envied them their long-standing friendship. She had no friends like that in Hollywood, no friends there at all in fact, except for Allegra. The only people she knew were the people she had worked with, and she never saw them after she finished a picture. They just moved on, and so did she, and one of the things she disliked most about her life in L.A. was how lonely she was, and how seldom she went out, except for evenings like this one, with a studio-appointed date, who was as bored as she was. And she said as much to both of them on the way home, as Alan looked at her in amazement.
You know, half the guys in America would probably give their lives for a date with you. And nobody in the country would believe that you sit home and watch TV every night, he said, but he believed her. His own romantic life was less exciting than most people thought it was, except for the occasional sensational brief affair, which always wound up in the tabloids. Well, we'll have to see about that, Alan said matter-of-factly. She had already agreed to go to his house in Malibu with him the next day, and now he was talking to her about going bowling.
Allegra asked to be dropped off first, and she kissed them both good night, and congratulated Carmen again, and then she let herself into the house, and was surprised to realize how tired she was as she slipped off her high-heeled sandals. It had been an exhausting evening.
Alan and Carmen seemed to be well on their way to a new romance. She was happy for them, and it made her think of Brandon again, as she walked into her kitchen and listened to the messages on her machine. He wasn't supposed to call, but there was always the chance that he had anyway, or had called just to tell her he loved her.
Three of her friends and one of her associates had left messages for her, none of them urgent or even important. And then, finally, there was a message from Brandon. He had just called to say that he'd had a great time with the girls, and would talk to her on Sunday. He never mentioned the awards, hadn't watched them on television, didn't know or say anything about Carmen or her father. And it suddenly made her feel lonely again, listening to him. It was as though he was never really a part of her life, except when he chose to be, and even then only to the extent that he dared enter into it, which was never very far, or very deep. He was always a tourist. And no matter how much she felt for him, or how long their relationship went on, there was always a carefully maintained distance between them.
She nipped off the machine, and walked slowly into her bedroom, taking the pins out of her hair. It cascaded down her back, and she wasn't sure why, but there were tears in her eyes as she unzipped her dress and dropped it over the back of a chair. She was twenty-nine years old, and she wasn't even sure that any man had ever really loved her. It was an odd feeling of solitude as she stood naked in front of the mirrors in her dressing room, wondering if Brandon loved her, if he was even capable of pushing beyond the boundaries he set for himself, and being there for her, just the way she instinctively sensed that Alan wanted to be there for Carmen. It was as simple as that, Alan and Carmen had known each other for one night, and he was reaching out to her, without fear or even hesitation. And here was Brandon, after two years, like a man on a ledge, afraid to take the leap, unable to retreat, and not even willing to hold a hand out to her for comfort. She was alone. It was one of those shocking realizations that make you tremble with the terror of it in the dark of night, until you almost screamed. She was entirely alone. And wherever he was at that precise moment, so was Brandon.
Chapter 4
The first call Allegra got on Sunday morning was from Brandon. He was going out to play tennis with the girls, and he wanted to be sure he caught Allegra before she left. He knew she was leaving for New York sometime that afternoon, and he didn't want to miss her.
How did all your little chickens do? he asked with interest, but it seemed odd to her that he hadn't bothered to watch the news. He could have at least done that, for her parents' sake, if not for Carmen's. But she didn't say anything to reproach him; she was just glad he had called her.
Carmen won best actress in a film, and my father won for best producer of a feature film. And they gave him a special humanitarian award too, which is a really big deal. It was terrific. My mom, unfortunately she sighed as she said it, remembering the look of worry and defeat in her mother's eyes didn't win anything, and I think it upset her pretty badly.
You've got to be a good sport in that business, if nothing else, he said glibly, and Allegra was suddenly angry at him. The fact that he hadn't been at the ceremony was bad enough, but she didn't like him being insensitive about her mother.
It's a little more complicated than that. It has to do with the life of a show, whether or not you win an award. She's been fighting for the show's survival for the last year, and this could lose them important sponsors.
That's too bad, he said, but he didn't sound particularly sympathetic. Tell your dad I said congratulations.
I will, she said, and then he went on to tell her about the day he had spent with his daughters. And the way he changed the subject started to bother her. Seeing the way Alan had treated Carmen the night before, and even the way he had treated her, had reminded her of how sensitive some men were, how solicitous and protective. Not all men were as backed-off, or as purposefully independent as Brandon. He was totally self-sufficient, and he expected her to be equally so. He didn't want her making any demands on him. They were like two parallel ships floating side by side, but with considerable distance between them, in one ocean. But the loneliness she'd felt the night before engulfed her again as she listened to him. More and more lately, she was feeling anxious about their relationship, and abandoned whenever he wasn't there for her. She had always wanted a relationship like the one her parents shared, but she was beginning to wonder if she was even suited to it, or if she was just continuing to pick men who were unwilling to commit, as Dr. Green had suggested.
What time are you leaving for New York? he asked conversationally. She was going to meet a very important bestselling author. His agent had asked her to represent him for a film deal, and she had set up a number of other meetings in New York as well. She was going to have a very busy week, and expected to be involved in some
serious negotiations.
I'm taking a four o'clock flight, she said, sounding sad, but he didn't seem to notice. She still had to pack, and she wanted to drop by and see her mother, if she had time, or at least call just to make sure she was all right after the night before. And she thought she should check on Carmen. I'll be at the Regency in New York.
I'll call you.
Good luck with your trial.
I wish I could get him to make a deal, it would go a lot better for him with the prosecutor if he would. But he's very stubborn, he said about his client.
Maybe he will at the eleventh hour, Allegra said hopefully.
I doubt it, and I've done all the groundwork by now. As usual, he was wrapped up in his own world, his own life, and Allegra felt as though she had to fight for his attention. I'll see you next weekend, he said, sounding regretful suddenly. I'm going to miss you. He sounded surprised, and she smiled at the phone. Those were the little hooks that kept her attached to him, ever hopeful. He was capable of loving her, he just didn't have much time, and he was so traumatized by his ex-wife. That was always the excuse. Trauma caused by Joanie. Allegra had explained it to everyone a thousand times. And there were instances when it was so obvious to her, and equally obvious to her that he loved her.
I miss you now, she said, her feelings raw, and there was a long beat of silence.
I couldn't help it, Allie. I had to come here this weekend.
I know. But I missed you last night. That was important to me.
I told you. I'll be there next year. He said it as though he meant it, and she smiled finally.
I'll hold you to that. But where would they be next year? Would he be divorced? Would they be married by then? Would he have overcome his fear of commitment? They were questions that still had no answers.
the Wedding (2000) Page 8