“When we were in Chicago I did something,” I explain weakly.
“No shit?” Dane scoffs, sliding off the stool to prowl across the room toward me. Cole follows his brother until the three of them are towering around me.
“I didn’t want to tell you guys.”
“We got that,” Cole huffs. “Talk, Cara. What the fuck was that about?”
“I killed John Smith,” I whisper, leaving my gaze on the floor.
“You what?!” they yell in unison.
I don’t respond. It wasn’t a real question.
“Who the fuck is John Smith?” Sawyer demands, tipping my head up to meet his furious gaze.
“He’s the monster I was with before Trish,” I answer honestly, knocking the wind out of the room.
They know all about Trish Booker and her sick ways. They’ve had their lives touched by her demented shit too. Not like me, but in other ways.
“Let’s sit down and you can tell us what the hell you’re talkin’ about,” Sawyer instructs. “I’m gonna call Dad first.”
Sawyer hugs me quickly before stalking out of the room, his knuckles still bloody from beating on Jake.
“I’m sorry I lied,” I mutter.
Cole pulls me beneath one of his long arms while Dane threads his fingers through mine. This is a thing we do. When we’re worried about each other, we have to touch that person. I think it’s a family thing I get from my sister. She’s like that with our brothers and has been since the first day she met them.
I’m the same with the Cooper brothers. These three Cooper brothers, at least.
I flop on our leather couch, Cole and Dane maintaining contact as we listen to Sawyer snarling and snapping in the office.
Sawyer doesn’t really have a temper. He fights, sure. All three of the guys do. They’re all very alpha and it causes problems from time to time with other men. They all have a bit of that hero thing too. If they see an injustice, they step in. I love that about them.
I hate that Sawyer just beat on Jake. If Sawyer knew about Jake’s daughter and what he just went through, Sawyer never would have attacked him.
After a few minutes, Sawyer prowls back into the living room pinning me with a lethal gaze. He drops onto the edge of the coffee table right in front of me and stares me down, panting labored breaths.
“We don’t lie to each other,” he grinds out. “Don’t you dare look at the fuckin’ floor!” he roars as I try to divert my gaze.
I snap my eyes back to his and force myself to watch the hurt I’ve caused. I hate this. I hate knowing that I’ve caused any of them pain after everything they’ve done to wash mine away.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You killed someone. Cara, you lied to us so you could commit murder! What the fuck were you thinking?”
“He deserved to die,” I seethe. I refuse to feel bad about that part of this equation. I’ve slept like a baby since I shot Smith. His death means only positive things for me. I carry guilt for what I caused Jake and the other slaves, but not an ounce for taking that monster’s depraved life.
“I don’t doubt that, but you obviously stepped into a DCA op. That’s not good,” Dane pipes in.
“I did. I made a big mistake with that.”
“Jake was there?” Cole asks, squeezing my shoulder in comfort. He’s the softest of the Cooper brothers. Don’t mistake that for weakness. He’s as formidable as Sawyer and Dane, but there’s a softness within him that eases me at all times.
“I didn’t know he was going to be there,” I admit honestly.
I was as shocked to see him as he was to see me. I hesitated with my shot when Jake popped out of that SUV. There was a moment when the world seemed to stop before my trigger finger got my brain back in gear. It was one of the most exhilaratingly excruciating moments of my life.
“Tell us from beginning to end what went down,” Sawyer requests with a bit less harshness in his tone.
I nod in agreement and give them the honest rundown. I tell them every detail from beginning to end. It’s tense and painful, but I owe them the truth. And I give it to them. Right up to the point where Jake enters the story. I don’t tell them about his daughter. That’s not my story to share and I don’t really know anything other than that she exists. Jake told me to keep my mouth shut. I’m not following that order, but I won’t betray this piece of information.
I can’t.
“So Jake came here to rein your ass in?” Dane asks in a huff when I finish.
“Yeah.”
“Did it work?” Sawyer’s brow is quirked, his anger almost completely gone now.
“I won’t do anything like that again,” I promise.
“How are you holdin’ up after all of this?” Cole questions as he presses his lips to my hair.
“I’m fine. I swear. I haven’t had one dark thought.”
“I think we need another round in the snow,” Dane suggests, slapping my thigh a few times.
“I need a fuckin’ drink,” Sawyer grunts.
“Yeah, a beer would be pretty good right now,” Cole agrees while Dane heads toward the fridge.
“Let me clean up your hands,” I say to Sawyer, leaning forward to inspect his battered knuckles.
“I feel like an ass.”
“You should,” I say through a snort.
“Jake thinks we’re together,” Sawyer points out as he settles himself on a stool at the breakfast bar while I grab the first aid kit from beneath the kitchen sink.
Dane and Cole take stools while all three pop the tops off their beers.
“What was that move about?” I ask, sliding over to him.
“I didn’t see you setting him straight.”
“No, I didn’t.”
I dab wound cleanser across his knuckles, blowing the sting away as I work.
“I could’ve pounded on Jake for an hour and it wouldn’t have hurt him. You know how he is. The physical stuff doesn’t bother him. Not when he believes he deserves to be punished. But when I saw him flinch when I grabbed you, I knew I could hurt him. I wanted him to feel what we’ve felt while he’s been gone. Pretty fuckin’ immature,” Sawyer hisses as I clean the deepest cut.
“It’s been six years. He doesn’t want me anymore. It’s just his territorial thing,” I say dismissively.
“No,” they respond in harmony.
I roll my eyes at them and push away the hope that they’re right. Could Jake still want me after all this time? I doubt it. He’s read my DCA file. He knows I’m tainted goods and the horrific details of my past. There’s no way he’d want me after knowing all that. No one would.
I’m not ashamed of my past, but I know it carries demons with it. If I ever meet a man I want a future with, I won’t burden him with the baggage of my past. I don’t want that information clouding the rest of my life.
I’m not that girl anymore.
“Let’s watch movies and veg out for the rest of the day,” I suggest, needing a subject change.
“Can we watch porn and call it movie night?” Dane asks around the rim of his beer.
“That’s wrong on so many levels, I’m not even responding to it,” I say with a chuckle.
“Party pooper.”
“I’ll poop on that party all day long and twice on Sundays.”
We all chuckle and with that, settle back into our normal routine.
As we watch movies and gorge on junk food, I think about Jake. When he left today, it felt permanent. I don’t think he’s coming back now. He seemed resigned that he no longer has a place in our family. I hate the idea that I’ll never see him again. I should feel relieved that I know he’s done with me…with all of us, but I don’t. I’m hurting worse now than I did six years ago.
I’ve lost the missing piece to my soul, and I’ll never be whole again.
I thud into the hotel, scanning the area for Riley as I move. I’ve only been away from her for an hour and a half, but it feels like an eternity. I need her in my ar
ms, to feel the weight of her against me. She’s all I have left.
Her giggles have me prowling down the hallway toward the master bedroom. I push the door open to find Riley on the floor, papers and crayons spread around her while she laughs at her playmate. There’s nothing but light beaming from her stunning face as her dimples pinch in tightly. Those dimples own me. They have ever since the first time I laid eyes on them. They’re her secret weapon.
A large tattooed hand clamps on my shoulder before he asks, “Get Cara squared away?”
I scan his large frame, focusing for a moment on the two tiny stars inked next to his left eye. On his rugged face they almost look delicate. The deep navy, just a hint away from black color of his eyes commands the menacing presence all of his tattoos reflect. The massive dragon head on his neck is off putting to most, but to me, I see it as a sign of his commitment to his craft.
Roman flexes his knuckles, making the tiny dragons devouring each squirm and writhe with the movement. He’s a stark contrast of villain and professional in his black slacks and button down shirt, rolled up to the elbows.
“Like somethin’ you see?” he snarks.
I snort and shake my head.
“She’ll go to Kat and Nick before she makes another move,” I answer with a huff.
Roman considers that for a moment before nodding.
“Clean up your face before Riley sees you,” he orders.
I lift my chin and move away from him to go to the hall bathroom, stopping before I make my way through the door.
“Roman,” I say softly.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for doin’ this for me. I know I’ve been a dick to you. So it means a lot that you’d come here to watch my girl.”
“You were right to be a dick to me, Cooper. I fucked with your family. Almost got some of ’em killed…” he trails off, looking a bit lost in his thoughts. “You’re the only active agent with a kid. I was that person once. You need someone at your back besides Mitchell. You’ve got me for that as long as you need me.”
“I appreciate it.”
We hold the other’s gaze for a beat before I walk into the bathroom, softly clicking the door shut. Bracing my hands on the vanity, I look at the damage my brother did to my face. My nose is still red with a little dried blood beneath it. My bottom lip is split right down the middle, and my jaw is a slightly swollen. Sawyer can pack a punch.
I tug my black Henley over my head and examine my ribs. They’re already a bit bruised. That’s going to hurt for a few weeks. I trace my frame with my eyes for a moment, studying the changes I’ve undergone since I last saw my family.
I’m what most would describe as ripped. My shoulders and arms are sculpted but not bulky. My pecs are well defined, leading to an eight-pack I’ve attained from millions of crunches over the years. That V-muscle women are so fond of highlights my trim waist. I have thick legs, powerful and long. I’m not the lanky boy who entered the DCA, running from his past. I’m Jake Cooper, lost soul with a lonely future on the horizon.
I rub my buzzed blond head and shuck off the rest of my clothes to climb into the shower. I make quick work and ignore the dimpled scar that brought me Riley. That one bullet changed so much in my life. It was good to be shot because I found something to fight for that day and every day since.
I towel off and plod into the master bedroom to get dressed where I find Riley and Roman’s son, Ivan, still playing on the floor.
“Daddy, are you okay?” Riley asks panicked at my injuries, rushing into my arms.
“I’m fine, Princess,” I assure her, pressing my lips to each of her dimples.
She’s seen me bloody before. Not just the day I was shot, but when I’ve come back from ops that took a physical toll on my body. She knows my job is dangerous, but she trusts in my abilities. Her worried face lets me know her confidence in me is shaken right now. I fucking hate that.
“Are you havin’ fun with Ivan?” I ask as she traces the cut on my lip with her little fingers.
“Don’t go,” she whispers the words she said to me as a baby when I was dying in her arms and every time after when she’s been scared.
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Riley,” I respond with my firm gruffness that never scares her.
“Love you, Daddy,” she murmurs against my neck, nuzzling in as she strokes my stubble.
“Love you too.”
I hold her closely and let the quiet thump of her heart soothe me. I shouldn’t take so much from this little girl. She’s had to give too much of her life already, but I can’t help the peace she brings my battered soul.
“Where’s my princess?” Mitch’s chipper voice rings out.
Then she’s being ripped from my embrace and snuggled into Mitch’s broad chest. He loves my girl. It flows from him with an intensity I only see when she’s around him.
“Let’s go eat some pizza,” Mitch suggests and little Ivan climbs to his feet to join.
He looks just like his dad, minus the ink and constant agent distrust in his features. Riley scrambles out of Mitch’s arms and Ivan grabs her hand before leading her down the hall.
“Fuck,” Mitch hisses. “I can’t kill that kid for touching her. She’s too young to be holdin’ hands, Coop.”
“They’re little kids,” I grunt and roll my eyes, forcing myself not to think about killing the boy too.
Mitch snorts his disapproval and quickly follows the kids down the hall, grumbling something about a long prison sentence. I chuckle at my best friend as I shut the door, needing a moment alone before I get dressed.
I close my eyes and instantly regret it.
Every time I do, I see Cara looking at me with her pained emerald eyes. I’ve seen pain in her gaze before. The first time I met her she was swathed in anguish, but she never looked at me with hurt until Chicago. When I left her all those years ago, somewhere in my deluded brain, I believed she would understand and accept what I did. That I could fix myself and come back as her white knight. My eighteen-year-old brain was pretty fucking naïve.
My twenty-four-year-old brain fully comprehends shit now.
I hurt her for six years and then put the proverbial boots to her the first time I saw her. Of course she’s hurt. I had to push her away all those years ago. I had to do it in Chicago. I had to do it today. I’ll have to do it for the rest of my life at this point. Because until we find the rat in the DCA who leaked Riley’s whereabouts to Smith, I’m not a safe option for my family.
I’m never a safe option.
Just as I’m about to go eat some pizza with my girl and figure out our next moves, the hotel phone rings. It’s on a direct line to the DCA so I know it’s for me. I’m guessing it’s about the plans for Gage’s funeral which I’m dreading and consider not answering the phone in order to avoid it a little longer. I’m not a pussy though.
“This is Cooper,” I answer briskly, settling my hips against the wall.
“This is your father,” his deep, gruff voice filters through the phone. “I’m done playin’ your fuckin’ games, Jake.”
“Dad,” I try to sound strong, but it comes out almost as a plea.
“You’re gonna listen to me right now. Don’t ever pull a stunt like this again. Your brothers are crushed. How could you show up outta the blue and then take off? That’s fucked up. Kat’s a mess. She’s pregnant, Jake. This isn’t good for her. I can’t believe you,” he huffs.
“Cara took out one of my targets. I was cleanin’ up her fuckin’ mess. I’m sorry my presence is so painful for all of you. I assure you that won’t happen again,” I respond with the strength I was missing a moment ago. “I’ve got shit to get back to. So if you’re done attempting to scold me, I need to go.”
“Jake,” he warns and I feel it in my bones. I’m not afraid of anyone. Not even the monsters of my past. But Nick Cooper is an intimidating force.
“Yeah?”
“I love you. I miss you. I want you home so we can fix this. That’s all I w
ant in life. I’ve buried my demons and made a family. It’s as close to perfect as I could ever dream, but it’s missing one thing,” he says lovingly and I feel myself crumbling. “You, Jake. My son. My first son is missing and my life isn’t whole without you in it. None of our lives are.”
“Dad,” I beg him to stop.
“Tell me you’ll come home. Finish whatever you need to and come the fuck home.”
“I can’t,” I rasp. “I’ve got a sensitive situation I need to deal with.”
“Let me deal with it. I’ll clean up Cara’s mess. Why didn’t you come to me, Jake? You promised you’d always come to me.”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Dad,” I say slightly annoyed. I appreciate knowing he has my back, but I’m capable in the DCA without his pull.
“You’re still my kid,” he whispers.
“I’ll come home,” I agree, unable to listen to the strongest man I’ve ever known hurting because of his love for me.
He has to know I’m close by. I didn’t leave my brothers’ place that long ago. But he doesn’t press that issue. “I need to wrap up some shit first.”
“I’ll trust you to follow through on that, bud. Sawyer said he gave you a beating. You good?”
“Split lip, bloody nose, some sore ribs, nothin’ I haven’t dealt with before. I deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t. He’s mad and hurt. But he’s your brother at the end of the day. You’ll get past this.”
He’s with Cara now so I doubt it, but I’m not going to put my dad through that uncomfortable conversation.
“I’ve gotta get off here, Dad. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment. I really tried to make you proud and keep you all safe,” I apologize softly.
“I’ve never been anything but proud of you, Jake,” he snarls. “Say somethin’ like that again and you’ll find my ass waitin’ for you at your next drop. Don’t question my love for you. Ever.”
“Right.”
“You tried to cut off my ability to contact you. I allowed it because I understood you thought you were doin’ the right thing. I’ve known about every op you’ve done. Every target you’ve eliminated. Every record you should hold. I haven’t gone one day without knowin’ where my son is or what he’s accomplishing. I’m so fuckin’ proud to be your father. It’s a gift and I know that. I hope you know what a gift you are in my life.”
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