by Valia Lind
Calen is still staring at the same screen as he was when I first walked by. There's a look of concentration on his face, but he's not staring at the computer. He's staring through it. I walk up to the desk, pulling a chair beside him, and taking my place. Yet, he still doesn't move. I wait, thinking he needs the moment, but he doesn't say anything.
I'm not sure what to do, how to break through whatever thoughts are running through his mind. I know he's thinking about Blake, I know he hasn't stopped thinking about Blake this whole time, and yet, he took the time to take care of me. After another few minutes, I have to break the silence.
"Calen?" I ask softly, trying to ease him in slowly. He jerks visibly, before swinging his gaze to mine. There are tears in his eyes, and I don't know what to do.
"It's all so messed up, T. So messed up."
"What is?" I ask when he doesn't continue. He turns back to his computer, pulling up a picture he must've minimized before I came back into the room. It's a picture of the three of us, at their house in London, back when we were about fourteen. We're smiling, happy to be there together, just sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Even though my eyes still look a little sad, there is also contentment there, that comes from simply being with two people that I loved.
"You know, we've never really known great loss in our lives. Our parents may be a bit aloof, but they're alive. We've always had provisions made for us and Uncle Freddie gave us all the love we could ever want. And then you came into our lives and it was like the best Christmas present anyone could ever ask for. You were so sad and then, you weren't."
"You made that happen. You and Blake." I say, watching the tears dance in my oldest friend's eyes.
"And now, we're on the other side of that. On the other side of pain—"
"Calen—" he stops speaking, getting up from his seat to pace the length of the room.
"I miss her so much, Tasia. We've only ever really had each other and now she's gone and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. So frustrated that there's nothing I can do."
I don't know what to say exactly because I feel all of those things too. I miss Blake as if a physical part of me is missing and I know it's ten times worse for Calen. He's right. Even though they're parents are alive, they're not part of their children's lives. They never really were. It was Blake and Calen. Calen and Blake. Until I came along.
"Sad, little rich boy, right?" Calen's voice drips with bitterness. "Isn't that what they all think?"
"Who's they, Calen?"
"Everyone. Anyone. Pick one." He kicks the couch in front of him half-heartedly, not meeting my eye. I stand, placing myself between him and any other obstacle.
"Do any of those ‘anyone's’ matter?" I ask the question softly, watching him for a reaction. He finally raises his head to meet my eyes and I see tears pooling there.
It breaks my heart all over again.
We stand there, looking at each other as if the other has the answers to all the questions in the world. I think sometimes Calen thinks I really do. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to stop this hurt, because I'm feeling it too. Then, I do the only thing that I can at the moment.
I reach out.
My hand finds his own and I know I've taken him by surprise. This is new territory to me. I'm not used to comforting someone else. I'm still trying to find the comfort within my own heart. He's watching me, waiting patiently as I acquaint myself with this role I've chosen. My mind wanders to all the times Logan comforted me, to all the things he had said and done. I pull on those images, trying to find something that fits this situation.
But in the end, Logan fails me.
Instead, I think of Kyle and all that he meant to me. He was my whole world when I was little and now Blake and Calen are that world. Logan saw that in me. He found the little pieces that didn't fit and explained them to me. He pulled those aspects of my soul together and now I had my own arsenal of emotions to lean on.
I pull Calen to sit with me on the couch, his hand still wrapped securely in my own. One tear slips from his overflowing lashes as he waits for me, before finally replying to my question.
"No, they don't matter."
"Blake does." I say her name, the ping of pain resonating inside my heart just at the mention. Calen and I have been scaling around the subject for days now and I know why. It hurts too much. Feels too much like my fault. Like we've both failed.
"Yes, she does." He gets the words past his lips before another tear escapes. He may be the older brother in this situation, but I'm the protective sister. I grab his face in both of my hands, bringing him to eye level.
"We will find her, Calen. We'll get Blake back and you both will never have to experience this kind of pain again. Ipromise you that."
I know he sees the determination in my eyes. The fire that fuels my every move. His forehead falls against my own and we stay like that for a moment. I close my eyes, finding comfort in the closeness. If only for a second.
Love is not something I thought I was capable of anymore. In my mind, love burned and floated away on the wind, the day my family died. But here I am, once again, loving another human being with all of my heart. Because Calen and Blake? They are my world and it's only recently that I've began to understand that. How blind are we to the truths in our lives when they're staring us right in the face? I'm so good at being mechanical, I forget to be emotional. I used to think emotion was weakness. But it's not.
Emotion is humanity.
Emotion is power.
Emotion is force.
It's the force I will use to drive me. It's the power I need to find Blake and stop the horrors of Kallos Enterprises. It's the humanity that will save me in the end.
I keep forgetting that, I keep running from the onslaught of feelings. But that has to stop. Last night, I worked through a lot of my pain and anger. I thought that's what I needed to do in order to get this weird whatever is inside of me out and under control. But I've been missing the one truth that's been staring me right in the face.
In order to win, I will have to use every aspect of myself. And that includes my emotions. Whatever was pumped into my system to make me this unstable is the very thing that will help me destroy Kallos once and for all. The moment that thought runs through my mind I know, Iknow, that every truth I've uncovered before has lead me to this point. Each little realization has shown me what I need to do and now I know it too.
That's it. I'm back. I know what to do now.
The fight is on.
* * *
Calen exhales carefully and I know he's back to himself now. While I was having my little epiphany, he must've had one too. I give him a little kiss on the forehead before getting up and walking over to the table.
It's been a week since the disaster at the docks. It's been a week since I've killed someone. But I'm not letting those truths confine me anymore. I stare at the weapons laid out in front of me and I don't feel fear. I feel determination.
My hands itch to pick up the blade.
My body hums to feel the weight of a gun at my side.
My mind is focused on the task at hand.
I pick up a set of throwing knives, wrapping the sheath securely around my leg. They're a different set, not the one Logan gave me, and for a moment I let myself morn the loss of those beautiful weapons. Then I almost laugh out loud. I'm morning the loss of weapons before I morn the loss of life. What is wrong with me?
Oh yeah. A lot. A whole ton of things. So many, in fact, that writing them down will probably take an entire book.
"T?" Calen asks, getting off the couch and making his way toward the computers. "You okay over there?"
I realize I probably look like I've lost my mind, grinning at the knife I'm holding in my hands.
"Yep, hunky dory." I slide the knife into its holding place and turn to face Calen fully. "Are you—"
"I am." He stops me before I can continue. "My pity party is over and it's time to get to work."
"What did you find in the information Uncle Freddie sent you?" I give Calen a tight smile and he returns it. He pulls up the message on his screen, taking a seat behind the table. And just like that, we're back in business mode.
"He pulled the financials for the last week, but I haven't been able to trace their main outcomes. There is a large sum of money that was taken out two days before the dock incident, but nothing since then."
"Nothing at all? I thought you said there was some—"
"Just the basic run of the mill expenses. Nothing significant enough to show a hospital treatment or an overseas trip. The typical way a person would hide to lick his wounds."
"Maybe that's the problem." I take a step back, my mind on what Calen just said. Typical ways a person would hide. But Foster is not typical and neither is Kallos. They have accounts upon accounts, some of which we haven't even discovered yet. They have trusts set up all over the world. Houses that are not on any market. I'm missing something and it's right there on the tip of my tongue.
"Calen, you're still monitoring the computers at the main Kallos headquarters, right?" He nods, his hands moving over a few keys before the diagnostics for the computers inside the main building spring up on screen. A few months back, I was able to get in and place just the right amount of bugs to begin an infestation, and we've been monitoring ever since. The information we've gathered hasn’t been anything new or exciting. Kallos keeps their secrets well hidden. Even from their own people. But I have a feeling there is something in the data that we must have overlooked. I tell Calen so.
"I don't know what it is," I say, "But it's like a nagging feeling at the back of my brain."
As weird as that may sound, Calen understands. Whatever Kallos did to me when I was little has made unique ramifications to the way my brain works. There is something almost otherworldly in the way I can sense things. Calen has seen it, firsthand, since the day I came into his life and that is why he never questions it. It's as if the experiments they did on me opened up a door in my mind that normal people are too afraid to walk through.
It's what makes me so deadly.
It's what makes me so cynical.
It's what makes me the perfect weapon.
I watch as Calen pulls up more data, my eyes scanning the information and cataloging it in my mind. My hand plays with the necklace absently as I try to piece together the puzzle in front of me. When my eyes land on the payments deductible, I grab Calen before he can scroll away.
"What?"
"The house we went to when we found the pills they were giving out to the community. I remember the town and the feeling of wrongness while we were there. Can you pull up a satellite image of the community that family lives in?" A few clicks and there it is.
Everything falls into place.
"Of course! I can't believe I didn't see it before. It's perfect."
"What is? Tasia...Anastasia." Calen stands, stopping me on my way to the weapons table, the look in his eyes full of hope. He should be hopeful and I tell him so.
"That's where they're holding Blake."
6.
"Tasia, slow down and explain."
Calen races behind me as I grab the gun, sticking it in it's holster and head for the door. I packed a bag last night, almost on autopilot, leaving it by the front door. As if I knew I would be leaving today.
"I never thought to look in the most obvious of places, and how dumb is that?" I say, reaching for my jacket. "That community is off the charts crazy and why would it be anything else when a bunch of drugged up families live behind those doors. It's the perfect hiding place because it's completely in your face. No one would look for a CEO of a company in some small town neighborhood, they'd look for those on secret islands and in Manhattan penthouses. Because that's what the first reflex is, right? But I knew the moment we stepped into Galena there was an otherworldliness about that place and now my brain has finally caught up. I bet you anything that's where she is. That's where they both are."
Calen stands stills, waiting for me to finish my rambling, but I can't stop the flood of information pouring out of me now. It's like the moment it clicked, it unleashed everything that’s been pent up and building inside of me for almost a week now.
"The clinic is probably more like a base of operation. Once they have a list of individuals under their control, they can do whatever they want to them with no consequences. Because who would ever suspect a probono medical clinic, especially when all the patients are high on drugs. They're not thinking clearly and they won't raise any questions. But the rest of the town might notice right? So what do you do? You make sure those individuals live in a secure environment. Somewhere where you can still monitor their reactions to the drug, but go unnoticed. That's what we've been missing, Calen."
I turn to him then, and I'm sure my eyes are shining brightly. I feel my body humming with excitement. I don't have any proof for anything I just said, but it feels right. Itfeels like the truth.
"I believe you." Calen says softly, and I almost allow myself to lose control at those words. Even after everything I've put him through, he still believes me—still believes in me—and that is the greatest gift of confidence he can give me. "Give me a few minutes to grab my stuff."
His next words are like a splash of cold water on my face.
"No." I stop him with my protest, he turns to me once more, bewilderment plain on his face.
"What do you mean ‘no’? I'm coming with you."
"No, Calen. You're not." I don't wait for him to reply, turning toward the door, hoping to leave before he can catch up.
"Tasia, you have no way of getting anywhere because I have the keys." I freeze in the doorway, berating myself for forgetting where we were and how we got here. "And I'm not about to let you waltz out of that door even if you had transportation. Look, I can—"
"No, you look." I twirl around to face him, my hand gripping the bag tightly. "I'm not about to put you in any more danger than I absolutely have to. You can help me from here, you can help Uncle Freddie, but you will not be coming with me."
"T, don't make me pull a big brother on you."
"I had a big brother, Calen. And now he's dead. I'm not going to let that happen to you too."
I don't mean to be so blunt, but the words are out before I can stop them. And they have never tasted this true before. I already feel like I've lost Blake, who's to say she's even alive? I will not lose Calen too. I can't and I won't.
We stand in the hallway, staring at each other like we've never seen the other before. I want to say something to take away the stricken look in Calen's eyes, but it's not like I can change the truth. Even when I wish the truthwasn't the truth.
"You can't expect me to sit idly by while my sister is out there." He finally breaks the silence that seemed to last at least a thousand years. I know my words hurt him, and not just because I want him to stay, but because I made it sound like he wasn't really my brother. I can see the pain in his eyes and can read it in his body language as plain as day.
"Calen, nothing about you is idle." I try to chose my words carefully. "You have a lot to offer, but I need you to do it from here. I can't be looking over my shoulder and worrying about your safety when I need to concentrate on getting Blake back. You are my family, and I will do anything for family. You know that. If that means tying you to a chair so you stay safe, so be it. But you'renot coming with me."
I'm afraid he'll argue, I feel like that's all we've been doing since he picked me up in that hotel. But I know I will do whatever it takes to keep him out of danger and I know he sees that determination in my eyes. Before either one of us can say anything else, we hear a loud crash in the main room. I spring into action without a seco
nd thought. Racing into the room, with Calen two steps behind me, I freeze at the image in front of me.
"Uncle Freddie, you scared us half to death." I shout at the computer screen, startling the poor man into dropping whatever he has on his desk.
"Sorry, Hummingbird. I seem to be a bit scatterbrained today."
"Just today?" I murmur as Calen walks past me toward the computer, giving me a small smile of agreement.
"I've been up most of the night, going over some of the data that came through yesterday."
Instantly, my ears perk up and I'm back to all business. Uncle Freddie continues clicking away at his computer and I stare at his face on the screen, impatient to get him back on track. After another eleven seconds, he's back.
"I found something that I think you need to take a look at."
"Does it have anything to do with where they're holding Blake? Because I have an idea on that." I say, stepping closer to the monitors as Calen takes his seat behind the desk.
"You do? I haven't found anything..." Uncle Freddie trails off, watching me for an answer.
"Oh. Well, I think she's in those houses we...I visited in Galena. It seems logical since they can control the environment without raising suspicion."
"You're right. It could be the place." I watch my uncle mull over my words, waiting for him to continue. There is something in his posture, in the way he keeps shifting in his seat, that sends all of my internal alarms off. Calen glances over his shoulder at me and I know he notices as well.
"Uncle Freddie, what is it you wanted to show us?" I ask carefully, dread washing over me suddenly. A part of me really doesn't want to know, and I'm tempted to listen to that part. I'm not sure how I know, but whatever my uncle has found—it's not good.
"Oh yes. I found some payments."
"Okay?" I prompt when he doesn't continue.
"They're for a hospital."
My heart drops and I'm afraid—terrified—of what he'll say next. Because I have a feeling I know what it is.