ROYCE. I saw that.
GRIFFIN. Royce please. I’ll handle this. Second of all, he’s not the coppers.
BOLLA. What?
GRIFFIN. He’s not the coppers. He’s a Special Constable. Sounds grand doesn’t it. It’s not. It’s not even half a copper. He’s a volunteer. He does it for free.
BOLLA. Hang on. He’s not the coppers? Well what’s he doing dressed as the law?
GRIFFIN. That is an excellent question. He’s a strimmer.
BOLLA. A what?
GRIFFIN. Strimmer. He strims the lawn edges for the university. He keeps the borders neat. He’s in charge of the borders.
BOLLA. He’s a gardener?
GRIFFIN. No. We’re gardeners. He’s a strimmer.
ROYCE. By the way I’m up for promotion Jess. I’m going to be a full Constable.
WATTMORE. Are you Royce?
GRIFFIN (shaking his head, looking into BOLLA’s eyes). ‘No.’
ROYCE. Aye a month or two I’m up for my stripes. Might even get moved to Ipswich.
GRIFFIN. Again ‘No’.
ROYCE. Aye I’m reading for it. I’m pages off finishing the book.
GRIFFIN. He’s not finished anything. The only thing I’ve ever seen him finish is sandwiches.
BOLLA. I don’t like coppers Griffin. I just don’t like them.
GRIFFIN. Listen. He’s a strimmer. It’s practically fancy dress. He hasn’t got the brains of a bucket of frogs.
BOLLA. He’s given me the stingers. Have I gone red?
GRIFFIN. You look lovely. Relax. Sit down, and finish your ginger cake.
She sits down.
ROYCE. Your rose bushes copped it in the freeze Jess.
WATTMORE. I heard.
ROYCE. All dead. And the quince tree’s died. Floyd’s chopped it down yesterday. Other than that, same. We’re getting a new mower.
WATTMORE. That’s nice.
ROYCE. Yeah.
Beat.
Students are back this week. And Floyd’s taken on new staff. Two gyppos. Can barely speak the Queen’s English. Come over in a lorry I reckon.
By the way Jess. Dougal says hello.
WATTMORE. Right. Say... say I say hello back.
ROYCE. He said to say he’d have come himself but he’s got a meeting tonight. He was hoping you could make it.
WATTMORE. I’m still not a hundred per cent.
ROYCE. We’re doing God’s work here in Fen Ditton. Dougal’s got vision. He’s got charm. He’s got charisma.
GRIFFIN. He’s got twenty thousand pounds.
ROYCE. What?
Beat.
What about that bloody bird then? Folks are going spare for it. I was lying in bed last night, and I thought I heard it. The question is, did it come to Fen Ditton on purpose, or has it been blown off-course, by forces beyond his control. In which case, he’s doomed isn’t he? He’ll never find his way back.
Beat.
So I was in the garden today, doing the borders, and I got talking to Floyd Fowler.
WATTMORE. Oh.
ROYCE. Strange really. He don’t normally talk to me. I mean he’s the gaffer. Normally he just puts two fingers up. Or gives me a nip. But this morning, he stops and starts talking to me.
WATTMORE. What did he say?
ROYCE. Well, he’s not happy see.
WATTMORE. What about?
ROYCE. He’s not happy with you Jess. He was warning people to stay away from you. And it’s not about the cubs. He says he laid you off for a different reason. And now he’s telling me to stay away from you, him that knows we’re mates. He walked past us playing shove-ha’penny a hundred times. Do you have any idea what he’s on about.
WATTMORE. No.
ROYCE. Strange. Anyway, I thought I’d mention it.
Beat.
So have you done the tapes?
WATTMORE. Not yet. I’m doing them. Have to get the time see.
ROYCE. Have you heard him Fiona? Jess does these wondrous recorded renditions from both Old and New Testaments which he relates entirely by heart. Wondrous they are. I find them very soothing. And they really help me sleep.
WATTMORE. It’s a hobby really.
GRIFFIN. Don’t do yourself down Jess. It’s a job. It’s your job.
ROYCE. It is that.
GRIFFIN. It’s a career. A profession. Your calling.
ROYCE. That’s what it is. A calling. Hallelujah. You’re a pure man Jess Wattmore.
GRIFFIN. Hallelujah.
ROYCE. Dougal loves you Jess.
GRIFFIN. Hallelujah. Did you hear that Jess? Dougal loves you.
ROYCE. He says he can’t do it without you Jess. He says you’re special.
GRIFFIN. He’s not special. He’s... Okay. Enough of the bloody love-in. Mutual bloody... What do you want Royce?
ROYCE. A quick word.
GRIFFIN. Well you’ve had it. Jess is very pleased to see you. Now please. Please. Just... Please. Go home.
ROYCE. Truth is I came to speak to you Griffin.
GRIFFIN. What about?
ROYCE. It’s important.
GRIFFIN. What is it?
ROYCE. It’s private.
Beat.
GRIFFIN. I see
Beat.
Fiona?
Sighs.
Fiona. Is it all right if Royce and I pop in your room for half a mo?
BOLLA. No.
Beat.
It’s just you’ve caught me on the hop. It’s just I’ve got all my things in there.
GRIFFIN. Okay. What if we leave the light off?
ROYCE. What?
BOLLA. No. It’s my room. You can’t just go in a lady’s room. She might have got ladies’ things in there. I’m extremely sorry. I’ll tell you what? I’ll go in there you can be private. I’m sorry Griffin. I’m getting prickly again. I’ve gone all red haven’t I.
GRIFFIN. You’re not red.
BOLLA. Are we still going into town? I need to lie-down if we’re going into town. I’m blotchy.
GRIFFIN. What yes. No. Yes. We’ll see.
BOLLA. I’d like to see the sights, you know. If you still fancy. And if it’ll cheer Jess up. Is that okay?
GRIFFIN. Yes. Just give me a minute.
BOLLA. Okay. I’m going to wait in here.
GRIFFIN. Lovely.
BOLLA. Okay.
She goes to the door. She comes back.
Will he be gone when I get back?
GRIFFIN. He’s just leaving.
BOLLA. I hate the coppers Griffin. I’m not good with the coppers, on account of things which have happened.
GRIFFIN. I promise.
BOLLA. Thank you Griffin. I’m very happy here. If we go out later, perhaps when we get back we could put our heads together.
GRIFFIN. What?
BOLLA. We could put our heads together and work on your poem. I could give you some pointers.
GRIFFIN. Oh. Right.
BOLLA. I’ll be in here. I’m very happy here.
She goes towards her room.
ROYCE. Nice to meet you Fiona.
BOLLA. What?
ROYCE. Nice to meet you.
BOLLA disappears into the back room. Pause.
Who is she?
GRIFFIN. She’s no one.
ROYCE. Is she your girlfriend? Are you... you know...
GRIFFIN. Sweet Jesus Royce.
ROYCE. Sorry. Right. Is that her car outside? Must be worth a bit. It’s in pretty good nick.
WATTMORE. Would you like a drink Royce?
ROYCE. I shan’t actually. I’m on duty.
WATTMORE. Right. I’m going to wash up then.
ROYCE. Right. Shall we Griffin?
They go to the front of the cabin.
How is he?
GRIFFIN. Who? Oh. He’s the same.
ROYCE. He seems the same. Have you got to the bottom of it?
GRIFFIN. No. It’s the New Year. He’s just a bit low.
ROYCE. I bet the beating didn’t help.
<
br /> GRIFFIN. No it didn’t.
ROYCE. Funny. I remember last New Year he was a full of beans. Organising the Cub ramble. The Sixers’ and Seconders’ Hike. It’s like he’s a different person these past few weeks. He should get out more. We’re leafleting in Ely on the weekend. Dougal’s hiring a minibus. Anyway...
GRIFFIN. What do you want Royce?
ROYCE. Okay, Griffin. I need your help. There’s a man in the hospital. He came to grief, out on the marsh.
GRIFFIN. Oh?
ROYCE. I’ll share what I’ve heard. There was two out there, a boy and his father, and they came across a man with a balaclava. They thought it was against the cold.
Beat.
He took the man’s wallet, which didn’t have much in it, and his binoculars. He even took the kiddies’ packed lunch Griffin. And his Game Boy. He robbed them with a hammer. It was in the Bugle yesterday, and it’s going to be in the Bugle again in the morning.
GRIFFIN. And?
ROYCE. I just wondered if you’d seen anyone strange. You’re always out there Griffin.
GRIFFIN. I hunt in the reed beds. I stay off the marsh.
ROYCE. Right.
GRIFFIN. Everyone knows the rabbits are on the reed beds. Rabbits don’t breed on the marsh. They don’t go on the marsh.
ROYCE. I just wondered if you’d seen or heard anything out of the ordinary.
GRIFFIN. No.
ROYCE. Right.
GRIFFIN. Is that it?
ROYCE. Pretty much. He’s going to live they think. But the brain is scrambled. They say he’s lost his eyesight. I said down the station, I said it could be the Jack O’Lanterns, the will o’wisps, but they all laughed.
Beat.
Well goodnight Griffin. Say goodnight to Fiona for me. Goodnight Jess.
WATTMORE. Goodnight Royce.
ROYCE. Now you get on with those tapes. It’s the Prince’s work you do now.
Beat.
You want to get that porch fixed. There’s a storm coming, and the wind’s cruel tonight.
He leaves.
GRIFFIN. I don’t know why you give that nicompoop the time of day. He thinks he’s the law. He can’t get his vest on straight.
WATTMORE. Royce said about the man. The one in the hospital.
GRIFFIN. What about him.
WATTMORE. He said he’s blinded. He might die.
GRIFFIN. That’s what he heard.
WATTMORE. I thought you said he fell in a suckpit.
GRIFFIN. So?
WATTMORE. You said you read it in the Bugle. You said he fell.
GRIFFIN. Do I work for the Bugle now? Am I their chief reporter? I skim-read it in the mobile library. I was busy doing... doing something else.
WATTMORE. It’s just you said he fell.
GRIFFIN. What are you saying Wattmore? What are you saying? Eh? Are you saying you don’t believe me. Eh? Are you saying that you don’t believe me?
WATTMORE. Of course I believe you Griffin. Why wouldn’t I?
Re-enter ROYCE.
ROYCE. I forgot to say. The scouts are having a Winter Wonderland in February. The Chief Constable is on the committee, I thought I could have a word in a few of the appropriate shell-likes. People forget very quickly. All can be redeemed, at any moment. It’s never too late, when you think about it, is it?
Enter BOLLA. She’s wearing lots and lots of make-up, her hair is up, and she’s changed into a skirt. They all stop and look at her.
BOLLA. What?
She stops. She is embarrassed. Silence.
Are we going out Griffin? I thought we were going into town. I thought... To cheer Jess up.
They all stand there for a long time. In the end ROYCE sniggers.
ROYCE. What’s she doing...?
Silence.
BOLLA. Is something funny?
ROYCE. What? Nothing’s funny.
Pause.
Nothing’s funny.
BOLLA. Then why are you laughing?
ROYCE. I’m not. Nothing’s funny.
BOLLA. Is there a problem Griffin...?
GRIFFIN. What? No. He’s just leaving. Aren’t you Royce.
ROYCE. Yes. Goodnight. Goodnight Fiona.
Silence.
BOLLA. Royce is it.
ROYCE. Yes.
BOLLA. Royce. Have you ever done anatomy?
ROYCE. What?
BOLLA. Have you ever done anatomy?
ROYCE. No.
BOLLA. I have. I know all about anatomy. I know loads about it. I know where your arteries are, chum.
ROYCE. What?
BOLLA. I know where your arteries are. You’ve got one here, one here, one here and one here. Did you know that.
ROYCE. Sorry?
BOLLA. Did you know that?
ROYCE. No.
BOLLA. It’s not the biggest. The biggest is actually in your thigh. It’s called the nodal maximus and it pumps all the blood up and down your legs and to your groin and abdomen. You learn something new every day don’t you?
ROYCE. Suppose you do.
BOLLA. I can do things you wouldn’t believe. You could blink and I’d be on you, see. You’d swear it wasn’t happening. But it was. See that dresser. There’s a knife in that drawer, for skinning rabbits. It’s very sharp. You could blink once, and I’d be in there, I’d fetch it, and you’d open your eyes and you’d be covered in blood. You’d bleed white inside a minute. And I’ll mop you up, and I’ll put your fucking corpse in the car, and drive you to the sea, and throw you away. Now what’s so funny?
ROYCE. Nothing.
BOLLA. Then why was you laughing?
ROYCE. I just thought of something funny.
BOLLA. What was it.
Pause.
ROYCE. It was something funny that happened the other day.
BOLLA. What?
ROYCE. I saw something funny.
BOLLA. What was it?
Silence.
ROYCE. It was a man. It was this man with...
BOLLA. With what?
ROYCE. ... with... no arms.
BOLLA. A man with no arms.
ROYCE. And a funny hat.
BOLLA. Sorry.
ROYCE. It was this man who had on a funny hat.
BOLLA. With no arms.
ROYCE. No he had arms. I was thinking of someone else.
BOLLA. So a man with a funny hat.
ROYCE. Yes.
BOLLA. Why was it funny.
Pause.
ROYCE. It had funny ear-flaps.
BOLLA. Did it?
ROYCE. Yes. It was blue. Bluey-green. With funny flaps. I just remembered it.
BOLLA. Is that true?
ROYCE. Sorry.
BOLLA. Is it true what you just said. About the funny bluey-green hat with the flaps. Is it true. And think very carefully before you answer.
Pause.
ROYCE. No.
Pause.
BOLLA. Have you got children Royce?
ROYCE. I’ve got two.
BOLLA That’s nice. Girls or boys?
ROYCE. Girls.
BOLLA. Two girls. There’s a hammer in that drawer, and some six-inch nails. Do you want me to nail their little faces to the floor? Right through their little eyes. Say sorry to Griffin for bothering him tonight.
ROYCE. I’m sorry Griffin.
BOLLA. And say sorry to Jess.
ROYCE. I’m sorry Jess.
BOLLA. Good. Now apologise to Bolla.
ROYCE. Who?
BOLLA. Bolla. Apologise to Bolla.
He looks around, and throws his voice.
ROYCE. I’m sorry Bolla.
BOLLA. Say it again.
ROYCE. I’m sorry Bolla.
BOLLA. Once more.
ROYCE. I’m sorry Bolla.
Pause.
BOLLA. You’re never going to come here bothering Griffin again are you.
ROYCE. No.
BOLLA. Did you walk here?
ROYCE. I’m on the bike.
BOLL
A. Well get on your bike, and ride home, strimmer. Ride home to your mum.
ROYCE. Goodnight Jess.
GRIFFIN. Royce.
WATTMORE. Royce.
GRIFFIN. I’m going to speak to Dougal.
WATTMORE. Royce...
ROYCE. Dougal must know this. There’s evil in this house.
Prince be with you. Prince be with you.
He leaves. Silence.
BOLLA. Jess, if it’s all right with you, I don’t think I feel like going out now. I think I’m going to get an early night.
BOLLA goes to the drawer and she removes the hammer and a six-inch nail.
By the way, you can borrow my car, Griffin. Any time you want, if I’m not using it, just borrow the keys. All you have to do is ask.
BOLLA takes the nail and she hammers it into a wooden support. She hangs her car keys on them.
That’s the nail the keys hang on. We’ll keep them there, then any of us need to go somewhere we can just take them. If the keys are there, you can drive the car. When you’ve finished, they go back there. You don’t have to ask.
BOLLA starts to cry.
I’m sorry. I should have... I’ve just damaged your wood. I never asked. I’m sorry. I just... I just... I thought we were going out.
Pause.
I’m sorry to both of you. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.
She cries.
I’m going to shut myself in there, and I’m not coming out until I’ve done you a poem. And you can have it as a present from me to you. And if it wins your competition, well then I don’t want none of the prize. It’s yours. I’m going in there now. I’ll make it up to you Griffin. Goodnight. Goodnight Jess.
Exit BOLLA. GRIFFIN and WATTMORE stand there in silence. The birds scream outside. GRIFFIN looks at the key, hanging there on the hook. He puts his coat on. He picks up his balaclava.
WATTMORE. Where are you going? Griffin.
GRIFFIN. I... I set some traps out by the battery farm. I forgot to check them.
WATTMORE. Don’t go on the marsh. Griffin. Griffin. Don’t go on the marsh. Don’t go on the marsh.
WATTMORE is left alone. Thunder. It starts to rain hard on the tin roof.
Blackout.
Five
Darkness. The storm is calmed. In the silence, the night heron passes low over the theatre, its scream-call ringing out, and fading over the black marsh.
The cabin in the dead of night. Enter GRIFFIN, in his balaclava, in the moonlight. He is out of breath. He takes the balaclava off. His nose is bloody. He goes to the stove to get warm. The firelight flares up in the room, revealing a rabbit hanging from the central beam. He stares at it hanging there. He unhooks it. He switches on the light. A lithe figure, with shoulder-length blond hair, is lying there, wrapped in a white sheet.
Jez Butterworth Plays Page 13