Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

His hands skimmed up my back, hovering over the clasp of my bra, but he didn’t undo it. They continued a lazy journey to my front and I couldn’t help but moan against his mouth when his hands tested the fullness of my breasts.

  I had never wanted anything more than I wanted to be owned by Caelan Fucking Gregory.

  His lips devoured mine, eating me alive in a deliciously slow torture.

  Something told me I’d just sold my soul to the devil.

  Certainly no one of this realm could produce such an otherworldly response from me.

  Pulling roughly on the strands of his hair, I whispered in his ear, “Don’t hold back.” Then I bit the lobe, the pressure, no doubt border-lining on painful. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t some dainty flower that he needed to be careful with. I was like him. A fucking beast, I just kept my inner monster on a tighter leash.

  “I never do,” he growled.

  In a lightning fast motion, he had my bra removed and my breasts were bared to him. Staring down at him, I waited with baited breath to see what he’d do next.

  He sat up, holding me in his lap.

  His stare was intense and unwavering.

  I knew that he wouldn’t stop this time.

  Whatever had made him halt this morning, that cloud of doom was gone. Right now, it was just he and I, and what our bodies could give each other. Our demons still hovered there, but for now, they didn’t weigh us down. We were escaping.

  His mouth closed around my breast, taking the nipple between his teeth. My eyes shut and my neck bowed back. My breath was embarrassingly loud, but I didn’t care.

  His tongue swirled around the tip and I moaned, biting down on my lip. When he looked up at me through hooded lashes, I knew he saw the lust in my eyes.

  Kissing and nibbling his way down my chest to my stomach, his fingers found the button on my jeans. He slid them down my thighs, but since I was straddling him they didn’t get very far. He was content with that though. His fingers found the edge of my panties. Pulling the fabric to the side, he slipped a finger inside. First one, and then two. I swallowed thickly. My heart beat rapidly and I lowered my head to the crook of his neck. I closed my mouth around the area where his shoulder connected with his neck, and bit down. Hard. A hiss escaped between his teeth.

  I was branding him with my mark the only way I knew how.

  Before I knew what was happening, I was beneath him and he had my arms pinned to the bed. A vein throbbed in his forehead, and he growled, “Be a good girl, Sutton, and later I’ll let you be as bad as you want.”

  I stroked a finger over his heavily stubbled cheek, and then moved that same finger over his parted lips. “Promise?”

  He didn’t answer me.

  With a jerk, my jeans and panties were gone, lost somewhere in his apartment. His clothes followed quickly. It was obvious that Caelan wasn’t the kind of guy for much foreplay. Lucky for him, I believed it was overrated.

  He grabbed a condom from the night table and slid it on.

  He held my hips in a vice like grip, but didn’t move. I tried to roll my hips forward, but his hold tightened painfully until I whimpered.

  I was scared he’d changed his mind, and like earlier he was about to lose his shit.

  I braced myself, my body tightening as I waited for him to slap me or do something. He had that dangerous look men got in their eyes just before they hit you.

  But then, he surprised me, and his blue eyes softened.

  Staring in to my eyes, he said, “Before we do this, I need you to promise me something.” He shuddered, like it killed him to hold himself back from taking what he wanted and thrusting inside me.

  “Anything,” I breathed. At that point I would’ve cut myself and signed my name in blood. I wanted him inside me now.

  “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me.”

  That was an easy enough promise for me to make. I lost the capability to love a long time ago. I focused on the beautifully broken man in front of me.

  “Promise.”

  Without another word, he slammed inside me.

  My nails dug into his back, my mouth falling open as I cried, “Oh my God.” It had been way too long since I’d had sex and my body was unaccustomed to the feeling.

  Caelan didn’t wait for me to adjust, which I didn’t expect him to.

  The pain gave me as much of a high as the sex did.

  His forehead pressed against mine and he stared into my eyes in a surprisingly intimate gesture that I hadn’t expected from him. I let my walls fall away so he saw what I kept hidden. He’d know that I was like him. The same, but different. I might not have had a substance abuse problem like he did, but my addictions were just as dangerous.

  I was addicted to bad men, and Caelan was the worst of them all.

  He was a drought, sucking the life from everything around him, and I was willing to let him take my very essence.

  I never claimed to be very smart, but smarts ultimately had nothing to do with it. Life had fucked me over real good and turned me into the kind of woman who thrived off being hurt. I was the person others looked down upon and hated, because I wasn’t normal.

  I craved things that hurt me.

  It was sick and twisted, but for me, it was an undeniable desire that had to be sated.

  I scratched my nails into his back, my pleasure doubling as he hissed from the sting. There was surprise in his eyes when he looked at me.

  He kissed the skin below my ear, then bit it, and finally his tongue flicked out to soothe the wound.

  He repeated the motion over different parts of my body.

  I loved every second of it.

  His thrusts quickened and my fingers dug into his arms, urging him on.

  Oh God, I needed this.

  We’d been dancing around this for weeks and now that we had finally connected, it was so worth the wait.

  “Harder,” I pleaded. “I’m not going to break.”

  He was more than happy to oblige.

  He fed the monster inside me, the one that wanted to be punished.

  I wasn’t into anything hardcore, but I needed sex to be rough. Any other way and I was lost, not knowing how to function.

  An orgasm tore through me and I shook all over from the force of it. I had never experienced anything as powerful as that in all my life. From the look Caelan gave me, he was well aware.

  My hands braced against his shoulders, and sensing what I was about to do, he grabbed them and pinned them above my head.

  “No,” he growled, his hold tight and his glare withering.

  I let him take control, but my stare was defiant. I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t always let him have his way. I wiggled my fingers and smirked as his hold tightened.

  He lowered, his lips brushing tantalizingly against the skin of my jaw. “Don’t fucking move.”

  He covered my lips with his, quieting anything I might have said in protest. He hadn’t needed to say anything. I just wanted to see that anger flare in his eyes. Yeah, I was sick, and I knew it. But like Caelan, I had no wish to change. I was happy being fucked up. It gave me something to live for when there was nothing else.

  I bit down on his bottom lip and a low growl clawed out of his throat.

  We were a sick pair, destined to meet and destroy each other.

  His hold on my wrists continued to tighten as his thrusts increased.

  I knew he was close to falling apart.

  Since he had my arms pinned, I raised and lowered my hips to match his.

  The moan that escaped me was loud and unrestricted. I wasn’t holding myself back from him like I did with other people.

  I was laid bare to him. Every flaw, physical and emotional, on full display. I let him have it all, because it wasn’t a gift. It was a fucking curse.

  He kissed me then, and I was surprised by the gentleness of it. The heavy stubble on his cheeks scratched me and I reveled in the burn—anything to hurt me, so that I didn’t have to relive my past.r />
  When it was over he pulled out and his weight disappeared.

  My eyes had closed and I was unable to move.

  A part of me, a big part actually, was embarrassed that I’d let him see that side of me. The less people knew about me, the better. But I knew Caelan wasn’t the type to talk about other people’s business. Besides, did he even have any friends? I thought back to the guy I’d seen him arguing with.

  I was startled when my clothes were dropped on top of me.

  I slowly blinked open my eyes to look at him.

  He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t happy either. His face was unreadable. He stood there with his hands on his hips, low hanging sweatpants barely clinging to his narrow frame.

  “I won’t tell anyone,” he finally said.

  “Wh-what?” I stuttered, thinking he was talking about what had transpired between us. If anyone was home, they had to have heard. We weren’t exactly quiet. Okay, he was, but I definitely wasn’t.

  He swirled a finger at me, watching me with a calculated gaze. “Whatever it is that haunts you. I won’t tell anyone. Your problems are your own. And I promise I won’t Google you,” his voice dropped low and anger flared. “Your business is your business. Whatever happens between us,” he pointed at himself and then me, “I don’t need to know what your problems are. This,” he hissed, “isn’t a fucking relationship. It’s just sex. Okay?”

  I couldn’t help laughing hysterically at that. Did he really think I wanted more than that? The two of us could never work. People like us, we didn’t fall in love, and we certainly didn’t get a fairytale ending. Life wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t going to heal him and he wasn’t going to heal me. Our problems were far bigger than something we could solve so easily.

  “Okay.”

  And so it began.

  CHAPTER 12

  Sutton

  When I opened the door to leave Caelan’s apartment, luck was not on my side.

  Cyrus was also leaving his.

  He saw me and stopped in his tracks, a slow smile spreading over his lips as he fought laughter.

  “’Bout time,” he finally said.

  “Shut it, Cyrus,” Caelan growled from behind me, his body suddenly pressed against mine as he glared daggers at our neighbor.

  “What?” He shrugged innocently. “Everyone’s known since she moved here that it was only a matter of time.”

  “Don’t make me break your nose again!” Caelan seethed, trying to get around me so that he was the one facing Cyrus. I stayed put though, wanting to avoid a fight.

  Cyrus merely chuckled. “Go for it. It makes me even more ruggedly handsome and the ladies love it. It makes them think I’m a badass,” he winked at me.

  “Or,” Caelan said between clinched teeth, “it makes them think you’re a pussy who can’t throw a punch.”

  Cyrus shook his head, his dark hair blocking his eyes for a moment. “Wow, Cael. Never knew you could get so worked up over a female leaving your apartment. Guess she really is special. Wish I could get a taste,” he cackled as Caelan tried to lunge for him once more.

  Whistling, Cyrus left, tossing us a wave over his shoulder before he descended the steps.

  “I hate that guy,” Caelan glared, his knuckles turning a ghostly white where he grasped the doorframe.

  “Doesn’t everybody?”

  He grumbled something under his breath.

  Now that the coast was clear, I headed across to my apartment.

  I felt Caelan’s gaze on me and I held my breath as I waited for him to say that this could never happen again.

  When I swung the door open, he said, “See you later.”

  I turned around to look at him, but he was already gone and I was met with a closed door.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  “You’re in a good mood,” Emery remarked when I breezed into Griffin’s a quarter till five, so that I could hear him sing and we could get dinner. Despite the fact that I’d only gotten an hour of sleep once I returned home from Caelan’s I had more energy than I’d had in a long time.

  “Sex will do that to a person,” I joked, dancing past him and onto a stool. It felt weird to be here and not working.

  He followed and took the seat beside me. “Whoa, missy, you can’t say something like that and leave me hanging.” He kept his voice low so no one else heard, but with the crowd gathered we could shout and they still wouldn’t hear us.

  I turned to face him. “What? I’m not giving you the details if that’s what you think.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Trust me, I don’t want them. Memphis?”

  I shook my head.

  His eyes widened in surprise. “Who then?”

  “I’m not telling.”

  Emery pondered for a moment. “It was your neighbor, wasn’t it?” I turned away guiltily and he clapped his hands together. “I knew it!”

  “You know nothing,” I grumbled, resting my head on my hand.

  He laughed heartily. “Whatever makes you feel better, Sunshine.”

  I groaned at the ridiculous nickname, but said nothing about it. I was still hoping it would wear off.

  “You’re up,” Griffin said, patting Emery on the shoulder as he passed us.

  Emery wiggled his eyebrows and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Are you ready to be amazed?”

  “More like bored out of my mind,” I laughed.

  He rolled his eyes and stood. “Whatever. Come on,” he nodded his head towards the back where the stage was. “You can’t see the show if you stay out here.”

  I followed Emery and since there wasn’t an empty table, he grabbed an unoccupied chair and moved it to the corner. “Sit,” he commanded.

  I did as he said, mostly because people were staring and I was too damn happy to make a scene anyway.

  The couple on stage finished their duet and Emery took his place, an acoustic guitar slung over his shoulder.

  He introduced himself and the crowd clapped.

  He started to sing and I was surprised by his voice. It was husky and warm and gravelly in places. I didn’t recognize the song he sang and I realized it was an original piece. I hated to admit it, but I was wowed. He had talent—too much talent to be stuck here serving people coffee and making food. He needed to be out there in the world trying to make his dreams come true. I resolved to tell him as much when we had dinner.

  As he sang, his eyes closed, and I knew he felt the music. There was so much passion and feeling in his words and the way he sang them.

  I felt a single tear tickle my cheek and I reached up to wipe it away, hoping no one had seen.

  The last note hung in the air and Emery’s eyes opened.

  Clapping ensued and I sat there, mesmerized. There was so much about him I didn’t know. It felt wrong to call him my friend. I knew I needed to get better about letting people in. I had closed myself off so long ago that I didn’t know how to open up. The people I had trusted, despite being good people, had abandoned me when the truth was revealed. I rubbed the scar on my arm, a nervous habit I had never been able to break.

  “You okay?” Emery asked, hopping from the stage.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I forced a smile.

  He looked at me skeptically but didn’t press the issue, for which I was thankful.

  With a hand barely touching the small of my back, he led me away. “I’ll be right back,” he nodded towards the Employee Only door and lifted his guitar slightly so I’d know he intended to put it away.

  I waited by the door for him. Griffin kept a careful eye on me and I wondered what he was seeing. Did I look as broken as I felt? My good mood had gone south in no time.

  Emery appeared, smiling crookedly. “Dinner, m’lady?”

  I rolled my eyes. “As long as you’re paying.”

  He bellowed a laugh at that. “They have a name for people like you,” he whispered in my ear as he held the door open for me to walk out.

  “And what would that be?” I forced a smile. I was determined to have
a fun dinner with my friend and regain my good mood. Maybe I’d even get to see Caelan again later. Although, I really did need to get some sleep.

  Chuckling, we walked side by side, as he answered, “You’re an opportunist.”

  A genuine laugh bubbled out of my throat and it felt good. “Hey, someone’s gotta be,” I countered.

  His smile was easy as we walked through town. I didn’t realize where we were going until it was too late.

  I wanted to speak up and tell Emery that this was the last place I wanted to be, but I knew he’d tell me I was silly and parade into the bar anyway.

  My heart raced in fear at possibly seeing Memphis.

  After our last kiss and my muttered apologies, I knew things would be beyond awkward between us. I’d been hoping to avoid this.

  Emery led me to a high top table in the corner. Like a gentlemen, he pulled the stool out for me to sit.

  “Thanks,” I told him.

  Sitting down across from me, he said, “This is dinner as friends, just in case you think I’m trying to woo you.” He winked and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “If you were trying to woo me, it wouldn’t work,” I assured him.

  “And why is that?” He picked up a menu, scanned it for a few seconds, and put it down. His hands clasped together and he leaned towards me.

  “I’m immune to charm,” I stated, pretending not to look for a certain copper haired man.

  “Bullshit,” he chuckled, smiling crookedly. “Between your neighbor and Memphis I’d say you’re definitely not immune.”

  A single brow crawled up my forehead as I eyed him. “And how do you know that it isn’t my charm that’s working?”

  “Touché,” his laugh vibrated around us.

  A waitress appeared to take our drink order and I decided I better figure out what I wanted to eat.

  The fact that we were where Memphis worked had caused my appetite to disappear, but I knew I better order something.

  I decided to get the grilled chicken sandwich and hoped the waitress hurried back. The sooner she took our order, the sooner our food came, and that meant the sooner I could haul ass out of here.

  However, there was no avoiding Memphis.

  “Emery. Sutton,” he turned to me, setting my glass of water down, and his smile wasn’t nearly as friendly as usual but it certainly wasn’t hostile.