No one asks to be hurt, so why does society always want to blame the victim?
“Earth to Sutton,” Emery snapped his fingers in front of my face.
“Huh?”
“That’s what I thought,” he laughed. “You disappeared for a minute there.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, heading to the back to throw my stuff away and wash my hands.
When my shift ended I was more tired than normal. I knew it wasn’t because of work, or even the things Daphne said.
It was this time of year.
Everywhere I looked there was a reminder that it was Christmastime, and this year I didn’t have a family to celebrate it with. That hurt a lot. My mom had always made a big deal out of the holiday season. The house was always filled with the scent of something baking, while she’d stride through the house singing Christmas songs. I wouldn’t experience any of that this year…or ever again.
I knew pouting about it was stupid. It wouldn’t change anything. I needed to accept things and move on. I couldn’t dwell on it forever. Eventually I had to find the strength to let go.
I went to my apartment, instead of Caelan’s, when I got home. I was sure he was still up painting, so it wouldn’t be like I might disturb him, but I needed to be alone for a while.
After showering, I climbed into bed, promising myself that when I woke up I’d put this behind me.
We had to create our own happiness, and that’s what I was going to do.
⌘⌘⌘
“You want to get a Christmas tree?” Caelan looked at me like I’d lost my mind, a paintbrush dangling from his fingertips.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“Okay, so get a Christmas tree. I don’t see how I need to be involved in this.”
“I want it to be our tree,” I explained. “Don’t you want to celebrate Christmas?”
“Not really,” he grumbled. “Christmas is a reminder of what I don’t have. I’m already having a hard enough time with selling the house. I’m not sure anymore if it was the right thing.” He stared at the half-completed canvas in front of him.
“That’s exactly why we should do this. We both need a distraction.”
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re not going to leave this alone, are you?”
“Nope,” I smiled.
“Fine,” he agreed, “we’ll get a tree and some decorations, whatever you want. But it’s not going in here. You’ll have to find room for it at your place.”
“Thank you!” I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him close.
His smile was genuine. “Only you could talk me into this.”
I batted my eyes. “You can’t resist this face.”
He chuckled. “It’s when you pout those pretty lips that it really gets to me.”
He tugged on my hips, pulling me down on his lap. I straddled him, running my fingers through his silky hair. He laid his head against my chest and grew quiet. When he did speak, it was to say, “I’m trying. I am. But it’s so, so hard.”
“I know you are,” I whispered. “Trying is better than not. Remember that.”
He nodded and pulled back a bit to look at me. “I see that you’re hurting a lot right now,” his finger glided down my cheek, “and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Some things are unfixable. You have to learn to deal.”
“Story of my life,” he grunted, resting his forehead against mine.
Rubbing his hands along my thighs, he sighed. “Let me clean up and we’ll go get your silly tree.”
“You won’t be calling it silly when you see how pretty it looks,” I countered.
I stood up and sat on his couch while he got everything in order and changed his clothes. Things were changing between us. It bothered me, but I was powerless to stop it. We both seemed to be drifting away from each other. I was beginning to think he shouldn’t have gone back to his home. Then again, that might not have anything to do with it. It could just be…us.
“I’m ready,” Caelan said, shrugging his shoulders into a black sweatshirt that was far too large for his thin frame.
He didn’t have a car, so I ended up driving. I decided to head to Target first for decorations. I didn’t want a naked tree.
Caelan reluctantly trailed through the store with me. He appeared irritated, like he’d rather be doing anything else.
“Which one?” I asked him, holding up two lollipop ornaments in different colors.
“Uh…both?”
I sighed. This was pointless. I ended up picking out all the decorations on my own. Hopefully he’d be more excited about getting a tree. Probably not, but I could hope.
He helped me load the shopping bags into the trunk of my car and then put the cart away.
I stopped at the local nursery that sold Christmas trees.
We walked down row upon row of evergreens. “What do you think of this one?”
“It’s okay,” he shrugged.
“This one?”
“Nah.”
Pointing to another, I asked, “Do you like this one?”
“Sutton! They’re all fucking trees! They’re the same! Just pick one, so we can go!”
His words froze me. I looked around at the other people around us and they all gaped in surprise. One parent had slapped her hands over her kid’s ears.
“Fine,” I snapped, “I pick this one.”
“Good. Now we can go.” He grabbed the netting wrapped around it and dragged it behind him. I paid for the tree and the man working there helped us strap it to top of the car.
I wanted to be mad at Caelan, I really did, but I knew if the holiday time was hard for me, it had to be a thousand times harder for him. I was trying to understand, but it was difficult. I knew when I met Caelan that he was moody and at times impossible to get along with. In the past few weeks he’d been so much better that it was a bit of a shock to have to deal with this version once more.
Silence filled the car. Caelan rubbed his face and I knew he wanted to say something, but was struggling to find the right words. “I shouldn’t have acted like that,” he finally said after a few minutes had past.
“No, you shouldn’t have,” I agreed. “But you did.”
He sighed, staring out the window.
“I understand that Christmas is probably a hard time for you and—”
“It’s not just Christmas,” he interrupted. “It’s this whole time of the year. It’s supposed to be about family, and I don’t have one anymore. I lost them before Thanksgiving. I can’t help but think of them all the time right now. I mean…I never really stop thinking about them, but it’s harder right now. The wounds are deeper. Fresher.”
With my eyes on the road, I reached over and put my hand on his knee. “I understand, but you can’t keep carrying this baggage around with you. You have to let it go.”
He laid his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know. I do. It’s so hard though.”
That’s when I realized that I was in a better place than Caelan was. While what Marcus did to me would always leave lasting scars, I’d finally moved past it. Now, I was more hurt by my parent’s reaction than anything else. Telling Caelan had helped me heal even more, because he didn’t judge me. He’d listened to everything I had to say and comforted me. Since that day he’d never looked at me differently. He’d given me peace, but I saw now that I hadn’t really been able to do the same for him. I wanted nothing more than for him to let all this go and live his life happily. I worried that it might never happen.
⌘⌘⌘
“You know what would make this hot chocolate better?” Caelan asked, lifting the mug in the air, his nose crinkling in irritation.
“What?” I asked, hanging a silver snowflake ornament onto one of the spiky sprigs.
“Whiskey.”
I snorted, digging through the plastic bag for another decoration. “I doubt that would be as good of a combination as you think. Add some more marshmallows,” I
pointed at the bag sitting on the counter.
He frowned. “Um, no.” He set the cup down on the table and watched me.
“You can help, you know.”
“Ah, but why help when the view I get watching is so much better?” He smirked.
Picking out one of the lollipop ornaments I focused on the task at hand.
Music started up next-door and Caelan groaned. “Every fucking week. I seriously don’t know how he manages it,” he said, referring to Cyrus and his never-ending stream of parties and guests. “He’s not even a likable guy. Who would want to go to one of his parties?”
“Hey, they’re not all bad.”
His eyes narrowed. “Thank you for the reminder of me having to watch you grind your ass against some other guy’s dick. Bravo, Sutton. Would you like a round of applause?”
I laughed. “Are you seriously still mad about that? It was so long ago. Besides, we weren’t even together.”
“And are we together now?” He questioned with a playful smile. His tongue flicked out to moisten his lips.
I put the ornament down and strode over to him. I sat down and straddled his lap. “Hmm,” I kissed my way up his neck before settling on his lips, “we better be. If we’re not, then this,” I made a face and indicated me pressed up against him, “is pretty awkward. I should probably move.” I went to get off his lap but his hands found my hips and kept me there.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he chuckled. Kissing the sensitive spot below my ear, he said, “I’m sorry about earlier today. I shouldn’t have gotten snappy with you.”
“Snappy? Did that word really just come out of your mouth?” I giggled when the scruff on his cheeks tickled my chin.
“It did.” With his long fingers he pushed my hair out of my eyes, his hand settling at the nape of my neck. “Let me make it up to you.”
“And how do you propose to do that?” My neck arched at the feel of his lips against my collarbone.
“I could kiss you here.” His lips lingered against the spot where my pulse raced. “Or here.” He hovered millimeters away from my lips, but didn’t kiss me. Fucking torturer. “Maybe here,” he moved his lips lower, to the spot between my breasts, which were exposed by my low hanging shirt. “And maybe, if you say the magic word, I’ll take your clothes off and kiss you everywhere.”
“What’s the magic word?” I breathed, my eyes fluttering closed.
“Ah,” his breath tickled my skin, “I can’t tell you that. It would be cheating.”
His lips continued to skim over the exposed parts of my body—which wasn’t much, considering it was winter and I was clad in jeans a long-sleeved tee.
“Please,” I begged, my voice breathless. “Please, Cael.”
He pulled away slightly, one hand cupping the side of my face. “Did someone tell you the magic word?”
“Oh thank God,” I cried, my arms winding around his neck as I tackled him down on the couch cushions. I silenced his chuckle with my lips as I kissed him deeply. No guy had ever been able to drive me as crazy as Caelan could. Their touch had never ignited fireworks in belly. With him, it was different. He was the first man I wanted to touch me because I liked it. With everyone else, I’d always felt dirty.
“Someone’s eager,” he growled, grasping my sides as he flipped me over so he was on top.
“I want you,” I breathed, melding my lips with his.
His fingers skimmed under my shirt, and my insides felt like they might burst into flames from his touch.
My need for him was unlike anything else I’d ever experienced. In the short time I’d known him, he’d become my everything. That scared me. I wasn’t one to be dependent on another person. But I honestly didn’t know what I’d do without him—and that thought filled me with fear. When I’d come here I’d wanted to find my independence and stand on my own two feet. I needed to find myself. Instead, I found Caelan.
He removed my shirt and his lips seemed to be everywhere. His hands too. The man was talented.
I pushed all my thoughts and all my worries out of the way and let myself feel.
It was harder to do than you’d think.
Our thoughts were always there, flitting through our mind forever bugging us about something, and with thought came worry. It was a vicious cycle really. But in moments like this, where the man I loved held me, I wanted all my focus to be on him.
“Sutton,” he breathed my name against my lips and it sent a shiver down my spine. I moaned in response.
He undressed me slowly, taking his time exploring my body.
I didn’t miss rough sex, because this was so much better. Before, I’d thought I had to have it because it gave me control, but there was something more freeing about letting go and trusting him not to hurt me.
“Open for me,” he growled low and husky, his hands on my thighs. He didn’t have to ask. My legs fell open and he settled between them, easing inside me. I whimpered, fighting the effort to beg him to go faster. Oh so slowly he inched further in.
I was ready to burst, scream, cry, you name it, it was about to happen.
“Caelan,” I panted. “Please.”
He shook his head no. Fucker.
Brushing his nose against the hollow of my throat, he said, “You know I love you, right?”
“I know.”
I did. I saw it in the way he looked at me. The way he touched me. I felt his love all around me in everything he did and said. Even when he was angry, like today, his love was still there. Love wasn’t something that went away, it ebbed and flowed, but it was always there. It was ever changing, but once it was given it couldn’t be taken away. It was forever.
As he made love to me I thought nothing could ever ruin this.
I. Was. Wrong.
CHAPTER 23
Caelan
I was suffocating on the inside.
All the cells in my body were slowly being depleted of oxygen.
I couldn’t breathe, and yet, air still managed to reach my lungs.
I realized then it was the drugs my cells were yearning for, not air.
Lying in bed my whole body broke out in a sweat as I fought against the overwhelming need to take a hit. I’d been using every day for years now…in the past few months, I’d gotten better, only getting high a few times a week. But I’d made the decision to quit. I’d tossed out everything—all the drugs I had stashed around, particularly heroin, which was my go to, and even the alcohol. I had nothing. And I needed it. Bad.
A scream tore from my throat.
I need it.
I need it.
I need it.
This was fucking painful. It was like there were tiny pins piercing my body everywhere.
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes.
Sleep. I wanted to sleep.
But there would be no sleep as long as I felt this.
What was I thinking?
Throwing it away had been a bad idea.
Anger filled my body and I tore through my apartment. I went through every drawer and looked in every nook and cranny in the hopes that I had missed tossing something.
I hadn’t.
I need it.
I need it.
I need it.
I got dressed as quickly as possible.
I was sure the people in this small town weren’t aware of all the crime and drug dealing, but when you’re a druggie like me, you know it all.
So I knew exactly where I could find what I needed on this chilly December night.
I had almost made it to the stairs when I heard her behind me.
The crashing and banging had no doubt awakened her.
“Caelan?” She asked, her voice small and groggy with sleep. “Where are you going?”
“Out,” I snapped. I turned around and saw her standing there in only a t-shirt, her sexy legs crossed and that damn cat standing beside her. I swallowed thickly. I wished I was enough for her. I wished I could fight this and be the man she deserve
d. But I was weak and I couldn’t. Besides, I’d learned a long time ago that wishing got you nowhere.
“You’re stronger than this,” she whispered, tears swimming in her eyes. She might have been half-asleep but she was alert enough to know what I was up to.
“I can’t handle all of this,” I cried, spreading my arms wide.
“What is this?” She mimicked my tone.
“Everything,” I sighed. “My parents. My sister. The house. You. Life. It’s all of it. It’s catching up to me and this is the only way I know how to deal with it.”
She made careful, measured steps towards me. “Caelan, getting high, numbing yourself to what’s happening around you isn’t going to solve anything.”
“But it’ll make me feel better,” I snapped.
“I can’t stop you,” her lower lip trembled. “But when you walk away from me, and go to get whatever the fuck it is that you think you need,” she glared, “I want you to think long and hard about what you’re doing to yourself. To me. To any chance at happiness we might have.” Tears streamed down her cheeks now. “Is this what our future is going to be? Every time something bad happens, or the memories get too much, you’re always going to choose the drugs aren’t you?”
I swallowed thickly, not wanting to answer her, but my silence was a confirmation and she knew it.
She bit the inside of her cheek and nodded. Crossing her arms over her chest, she slowly backed away. “I love you, Caelan, I do. God knows I love you more than I should. But this,” she pointed to my sweaty and shaky body that was begging for the drugs, “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know,” she repeated. “I want to be enough for you.” She cried a bit harder. “But here you are, and you want the drugs more,” her voice cracked painfully.
I wanted to make her see that I wasn’t choosing the drugs over her. It was that I was too weak to fight the hold they had on me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, bowing my head. She’d never know how much I meant those two words.
“Sorry isn’t good enough, Cael. Not with this.”
I closed my eyes, swallowing thickly. “It never bothered you before. You didn’t seem to care.”
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