Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I let out a sigh of relief. “Glad to hear that.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want some?” He stretched his legs out, crossing them at the ankle.

  “I’m sure. I ate…” I blushed and stopped myself.

  “You ate?” He prompted.

  “Well, I kind of ate half of the pizza. I was really hungry.” I fiddled with the remote in my hand, wishing I hadn’t turned the TV off.

  He chuckled. “Why are you embarrassed about that?”

  “I’m not,” I said vehemently.

  He said no more as he finished his dinner.

  I went to grab the empty bowl from him so I could clean it, but he refused to relinquish it. Instead, he stood and trekked over to the sink.

  I yawned, suddenly feeling absolutely exhausted. I gathered my pajamas and changed in the bathroom.

  I grabbed my cellphone off the coffee table and saw I had a text from Kyle with the address. I smiled. I was scared to send the letter, but I knew I needed to.

  Once the dishes were clean Memphis settled on the couch. He grabbed the blanket and draped it over his body. “Night, Sutton.”

  “Goodnight,” I whispered, laying my head on the pillow and letting my eyes drift closed.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Caelan

  It turns out Saturday and Sunday were legit free days. The door to my room was left unlocked and we were all encouraged to explore the facility, get to know one another, and utilize the outdoor area. I noticed a lot of people chose to go outside. It had snowed the night before and I wasn’t sure I wanted to brave the frigid temperatures. I understood why most were doing it though. We were cooped up in our small rooms all week and it was nice to inhale the fresh air.

  “Aren’t you coming?” One of the women from group therapy asked as she headed towards the door.

  “Uh…”

  “Come on,” she begged, “it may be cold but at least it’s not, well,” she looked around, “here.”

  After a moment of hesitation, I agreed.

  I grabbed my sweatshirt from my room and shrugged it on. The woman had waited for me. I didn’t even remember her name.

  Outside the dusting of snow on the ground crunched beneath my feet. I sat down at one of the picnic tables where several people I recognized sat. I hadn’t really bothered to get to know any of them. I hadn’t cared. Looking at them now, I realized that was a mistake. Essentially, we were all in this together. We’d all been through similar things. If I couldn’t talk to these people, then who could I? I’d been able to tell Sutton everything and yet I had trouble opening up to these people. Even now, I didn’t open my mouth to speak to them. I sat there, a silent observer to their conversations.

  I rubbed my hands together, trying to generate some heat.

  “What about you, Caelan?” One of them asked.

  “Huh?” I replied, feeling bad that I wasn’t paying attention.

  “What made you start using?” The guy across from me repeated.

  “Oh,” I looked down at the wooden table. “I…”

  “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell us. We know how hard it can be to talk about,” the woman beside me spoke. I thought her name was Bree.

  “No, it’s okay,” I said, “it’s just hard to talk about.”

  “Take your time. I’m Josh,” he added, as if he knew I’d forgotten their names.

  After a moment of gathering myself, I answered, “I found my family murdered. I started using so I could forget what they looked like when I found them. In the process, I started to forget other things about them—the good things. It was hard once I lost them. I went off the deep end and people told me I was a screw up instead of getting me the help I needed. By the time they realized how bad off I was it was too late for them to force me into rehab.” I sighed, deciding to recant the whole story. “Then, this past summer, I met a woman and she changed everything. I wanted to be better for her. I didn’t use as often and I didn’t drink as much as I used to. She knew everything about me and she didn’t care. She still loved me. But she had struggles too,” I whispered. “When they caught up with her, she tried to end it. So, I followed suit. I tried to take my life so I could be with her. I realized how fucked up that was. She’d become another unhealthy addiction for me. So, I ended things and I agreed to come here,” I spread my arms wide. “And that’s my story.”

  Silence greeted me and then they went back to talking about random non-sense. Like favorite foods, where they lived, that sort of thing. My life didn’t matter to them. Not in a bad way, but they didn’t pity me. They’d been through hardships too. We were all the same—equals. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel nice to belong.

  CHAPTER 30

  Sutton

  I sent the letter and I waited. For what, I don’t know. An answer? A sign he still cared?

  You know what I got?

  The fucking letter was sent back to me, unopened.

  I crinkled it in my fingers, but couldn’t make myself throw it away. Instead, I shoved it in one of my dresser drawers. I was mad. Really mad. Could he seriously dismiss me so easily that he couldn’t even read a letter I wrote him?

  Apparently so.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Memphis asked. He sat at the kitchen counter with his laptop. He ran his fingers through his shaggy hair and then pushed his glasses further up his nose. I hated to admit it, but he made those dorky thick-framed glasses look pretty damn hot.

  “I’m fine,” I forced a smile and twisted my hair into a bun. A few strands escaped the confines and framed my face.

  “And I know you well enough to know that’s a big fat lie.” He closed the lid of his laptop and stared me down.

  He knew about the letter so I figured there was no point in lying. “The letter got sent back.”

  He frowned, his eyes filling with compassion. His look made me squirm. He was the last person on the planet that should be concerned about me. He was always so nice to me and while he made it clear that he hoped for more with me, he never pushed.

  “Please, don’t look at me like that,” I whispered.

  “Like what?” He chuckled, picking up a pen and chewing on the end.

  “Like my pain hurts you.” My voice was nothing more than a meek squeak. Since my suicide attempt and the break-up I’d felt more vulnerable. My tough girl façade had fallen away, revealing the damaged woman I was.

  He frowned, a wrinkle marring his normally smooth forehead. “It does, though. That’s how it works when you care about someone.”

  I bowed my head in embarrassment and didn’t address his comment.

  “As for the letter being sent back, maybe he’s hurting and couldn’t bear to read what you’d written.”

  I snorted at that. Caelan was not a romantic enough guy to have that sort of reaction.

  “Or,” Memphis continued, ignoring my reaction to his previous statement, “maybe they don’t allow outside communication.”

  I frowned at that. When Caelan told me not to call—which I tried to anyway because I’m an idiot—I remembered him saying that he didn’t think they’d let him talk to anyone on the outside. So, it was a possibility, but still…that didn’t make it hurt any less. Especially since I didn’t know if it was true or not.

  I settled on the couch, trying to dismiss the returned letter from my mind. But it proved impossible.

  Memphis got up and put a pack of popcorn in the microwave. As it popped my nose wrinkled and bile crawled up my throat. “What’s wrong with the popcorn? It smells gross,” I gagged.

  Memphis’ brows crinkled together in confusion. “It smells fine.”

  The microwave dinged and he took it out. As soon as the bag opened I went running for the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach.

  I heard Memphis’ heavy steps against the floor as he hurried to me. His long fingers gathered my hair away from my face. “I threw it away. Are you okay?” He asked as I heaved against the toilet.

  “Do I look okay?” I coug
hed.

  He released my hair and wet a cloth, which he then handed to me.

  I cleaned myself up and brushed my teeth. The whole time Memphis stood in the doorway with his arms crossed.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I questioned before rinsing my mouth.

  He appeared nervous, like he wasn’t sure if he should say something, but eventually he said, “I know I don’t have a vagina or anything, and I really don’t know anything about this, but…” He ran his fingers nervously through his hair. “Could you be pregnant?”

  I dropped the bottle of Listerine and since it was lidless blue liquid sprayed across the tile floor. We both hurried to grab the bottle and wipe up the mess.

  My heart raced and sweat broke out across my forehead. Could he be right?

  “Oh God.” I slapped a hand across my mouth and thought I might be sick again, but there was nothing left in my stomach.

  I crumbled to the floor and tears streamed down my face.

  I hadn’t even thought there was a possibility that I was pregnant. I’d chalked up all the weirdness I’d been experiencing lately to what I’d gone through.

  I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold it together, but it wasn’t working. Memphis sat down beside me and soon his arms joined mine. He coaxed my head to his chest and let me cry. He didn’t say anything comforting. His hold on me was enough. He was a better friend than I deserved but I clung to him with all the strength I had left.

  My tears soaked his shirt and the mascara coating my lashes stained the white material.

  “It’s going to be okay, Sutton. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through this together.” He rubbed a soothing hand up and down my arm.

  His kind words only made me cry harder. I didn’t deserve him. Not at all.

  His fingers tangled in my hair and he continued to whisper sweet words—each one an individual stab to my heart, because if I was honest with myself, I was falling for him and now I could be pregnant with another man’s baby. True, I wasn’t looking for a relationship yet, but that didn’t mean I planned on being alone for the rest of my life. Memphis was good for me. I’d been fighting against him and my feelings for far too long and now there could possibly be a very large obstacle standing in our way. But I wasn’t only crying because of Memphis and the possibility of a future with him. I wasn’t that selfish. I was mostly crying because if he’d guessed right, and I was having a baby, I was going to be raising a child by myself and that was a scary thought.

  “Please, stop crying,” he begged, trying to soothe me with soft touches and kind words.

  “You shouldn’t be comforting me right now.” I removed myself from his embrace and rubbed at my eyes.

  “Sutton,” he put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to look at him, “I want to be here for you. Why are you so afraid to let me in?”

  I laughed at that. “Memphis, you’re a good guy. A really good guy. And I’m fucked up. I don’t deserve your kindness. You shouldn’t waste your time on someone like me.”

  “Someone like you?” He repeated my words back to me. “Don’t you realize, we don’t choose who we fall in love with, it just happens.”

  “Are you saying that you love me?” I gasped, scooting away from him.

  He shook his head. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” he mumbled. Meeting my eyes, he said, “I feel like I’m on my way to that point.” Swallowing thickly, he added, “I know you don’t feel that way about me, and I’d never pressure you, but…” He trailed off. “Maybe one day?” He framed it as a question.

  “I-I-” I gaped, at a loss for words. “I don’t know. Maybe.” My voice was softer than a whisper, but he nodded like he heard me.

  He stood and held his hands out to me to help me up. “There’s no point in staying cooped up in the bathroom.”

  He settled me on the couch and draped the blanket around my shoulders.

  “We’ll schedule you an appointment to see a doctor in the next few days.” He pressed his lips to my forehead in a soft, lingering kiss. He cleared his throat and stepped away from me. Something about that way he’d said ‘we’ had made my body go cold. He acted as if we were in this together. I hadn’t ever had anyone in my life before that treated me the way he did. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. I was fighting my feelings for Memphis tooth and nail, but they were there and they weren’t going away. I couldn’t help but echo his words in my head.

  Maybe one day.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  My fingers tapped against the arm of the chair I sat in. I didn’t think I had ever been this nervous in my entire life. Sweat dotted my skin and I couldn’t get enough oxygen to reach my lungs.

  Memphis sat beside me, his leg bouncing up and down restlessly.

  “You don’t have to be here,” I reminded him for the tenth time that day.

  “I know,” he assured me, “but I want to be.”

  I didn’t argue with him, because the fact of the matter was, I needed him. Without him, I wasn’t sure I could do this. I didn’t know what made me do it, but I reached over and entwined my fingers with his. He smiled and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

  I knew I should be brave and face this alone, but I was tired of doing everything by myself. For once, I wanted someone else to be the strong one while I crumbled.

  I held my breath as I waited for my name to be called.

  I was beyond nervous and while a part of me hoped I was pregnant with Caelan’s child, because then I’d have a piece of him forever, there was another part that hoped I wasn’t. If I were having a baby, this would change my whole life. In the span of a few minutes I could be told I was going to be a single mom. I wasn’t stupid and I knew raising a child was a huge responsibility.

  My name was called and I stood slowly, wiping my sweaty palms on the fabric of my jeans. I thought I might pass out. Memphis stood too and put a reassuring hand on my waist.

  “Do you want me to go back with you?” He asked. “I assumed you wanted me to stay out here, but I’ll go if you want me to.”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted, biting my lip as I eyed the nurse waiting for me.

  “How about this, I’ll go back with you and if you change your mind at any time, I’ll leave? Sound good?” He peered at me with clear gray eyes. He was far too kind to me. I didn’t deserve him.

  I nodded and still holding hands we walked to the nurse. She led us through the office and into a private room. She gave me a gown and instructed me to change in the connecting bathroom. I could hear the blood rushing through my body. There was still a very real possibility that I’d pass out.

  When I exited the bathroom Memphis had his back turned so that he didn’t see anything that he shouldn’t.

  I sat down and waited.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Memphis murmured as he took my hand once more.

  “How can you say that?” I peered up at him. “This isn’t your life. Or even your child if I’m pregnant. You can walk away at any time. We’re not a couple,” I laughed humorlessly.

  He chuckled. “Why do you doubt me? You’ve never asked me to be here, so did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m here because I want to be?”

  Moisture clung to my lashes. “You shouldn’t want to. Not after everything I’ve put you through.”

  He clenched his teeth, grinding them together.

  The doctor walked in and my throat became dry. She asked me the normal questions and I answered them as best I could. When it came down to time for the ultrasound, Memphis asked, “Do you want me to go?”

  “No,” I grabbed on to his hand and held on tight. “Please, stay. Don’t leave me.” My words encompassed more than this moment. I didn’t want to lose him at all, but realistically I knew the chances of him sticking around were slim.

  He nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Everything after that happened in a blur. It was like I was there in body, not in mind. I pretty much shut down after the doct
or confirmed I was having a baby. There were so many things running through my mind. Memphis had to basically carry me out of the doctor’s office. I couldn’t seem to stop crying either—I was going to blame that on pregnancy hormones.

  Memphis parked the car and I finally looked up. I expected to be parked outside the apartment, but instead there was a restaurant in front of us.

  “You need to eat something,” he whispered.

  “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled as I stared out the window.

  “Sutton,” he groaned. “You can’t shut down.”

  He was right, but that still didn’t make me feel like moving.

  Eventually he got out of the car and came around to my side. He opened the door and pulled me out.

  “Memphis,” I whined, “I look like crap,” I pointed to my face where there were bound to be streaks of mascara. “Don’t make me go in there.”

  “Excuses, excuses,” he muttered as he took my hand and dragged me inside.

  Nobody paid us any attention as he led us to a booth in the back.

  I wiped underneath my eyes and picked up a menu. I wasn’t hungry, not at all, but I knew he was right and I needed to eat. When the waitress came by we both ordered a glass of water.

  I perused the menu, hoping something would taste good to me. Even though it was well after lunchtime, the restaurant served breakfast all day, so I decided to order an omelet. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with that.

  Memphis clasped his hands together and eyed me. “How are you feeling?”

  I traced my finger along one of the wood grains in the table and mumbled, “Scared.”

  “I believe that is perfectly normal,” he assured me.

  “Normal or not,” I commented, taking a sip of water, “I don’t enjoy the feeling.”

  He reached across the table and put his hand atop mine. “This isn’t the end of the world, Sutton.”

  “You’re not the one having a baby,” I muttered.

  “That’s true,” he agreed with a nod. “But I’ll be there for you, I know Daphne and Emery will too. We may not be family but we’re not going anywhere. You’re not alone in this. He might be gone—”

  “Caelan,” I interrupted. “You can say his name. It doesn’t bother me.” Actually, it did, but it was better if I heard it. I needed to become desensitized.