Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I flinched. I’d tried to push that to the back of my mind. The second letter I’d mailed had been sent back just like the first—the same with the third and fourth and fifth. I still wrote them, but I’d stopped sending them. Caelan might never read them, but writing them gave me a much needed clarity and sense of relief. It bothered me that he didn’t know about the baby, and he might never. I knew I could contact Kyle, but something about that didn’t seem right. Caelan had made it clear by cutting off his phone, moving out of his apartment, and not reading one damn letter, that he didn’t want anything to do with me. We’d said our goodbyes and he didn’t need any more closure. I wasn’t going to force him to be a part of the baby’s or my life. I certainly wouldn’t keep him from the baby either, but reaching out to him had become too painful. It was like I was continually taking a punch to the heart where Caelan was concerned. It’d been over three months since I’d last seen him. He wasn’t coming back, that was obvious. While I was conflicted about moving on so soon, didn’t I deserve to find love and happiness like everyone else? Or was I destined to be the heartless wench of my own tale?

  “Sutton?” Memphis snapped his fingers in front of my face.

  “What?” I shook my head free of my thoughts.

  “Are you okay?” He peered at me. “You zoned out there for a minute.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I rubbed my face. “I’m just really tired after everything.”

  “Oh,” he paled, “of course you are. I’m sure you’re hungry too, since you came storming out here after me and we hadn’t eaten yet.”

  At the mention of food my stomach rumbled. He chuckled, having heard it.

  I turned to head inside, but he grabbed my hand to stop me. He smoothed the strands of my hair away from my face. I expected him to say something swoony and romantic because it was Memphis, but that didn’t happen. Instead, his face darkened and rage stormed in his eyes. “After we leave here, I’m taking you straight to the police department and you’re filing a restraining order against Marcus. No excuses. You have to think about your safety and the baby’s. I won’t allow him to come within a hundred feet of you. I’m not typically a violent man, but if I ever see that man I will make sure to put him in a grave.”

  I put a hand on his shoulder in a reassuring gesture. “Don’t worry, I know that needs to be done. I’ve been putting it off, because let’s face it I’m not the most brilliant person on the planet. I won’t let him hurt me again. I’m burying him—figuratively, of course,” I laughed.

  “You’re not stupid,” he brushed a gentle finger down my cheek, “you just think you’re stronger than you really are. Everyone has breaking points, but you want to believe you don’t.”

  “Geez,” I shook my head, “it’s like you know me better than I know myself.”

  He chuckled as his hands fell to his sides. “I pay more attention than most people. It’s called being a bartender,” he winked. “You pick up on human behavior real fast in that job.”

  We both laughed at that as we headed inside the restaurant. Daphne had stopped crying and Emery smiled as we approached. Those two weren’t dating yet, but I still had my hopes. They both noted that something had shifted in my relationship with Memphis, but they managed to keep their mouths shut. I knew it wouldn’t be long until they asked questions. For now, I didn’t have an answer as to what we were and that was okay. It was nice to just…be.

  CHAPTER 32

  Caelan

  I’d been out of rehab for three weeks. I thought it would be easy to adjust back into the real world. I was wrong. It was the fucking hardest thing I’d ever done. Kyle was trying to understand, but he truly didn’t get it. I was beginning to regret my decision to move in with him. I had no place to escape to be alone. I thought it would be good to have someone to keep me in line and to be honest, I hadn’t wanted to see Sutton. My time away had given me a much-needed clarity. I was right to end things. We weren’t good together, that was obvious to anyone with eyes, and I wasn’t ready to face her. I knew one day, I’d find her and we’d have a discussion about things but it couldn’t happen now. If I saw her…it would be a reminder of how fucked up I’d been and the lengths I’d gone to, to never lose her. Most women thought it was so romantic when a couple would go to extreme lengths to be together, but I had news for them, it wasn’t romantic. It was fucked up. You shouldn’t be willing to die just so you don’t have to live without a person. That shows a startling dependency that is entirely unhealthy.

  Oh, shit. I was starting to think like Alex now.

  That couldn’t be good.

  “Want some breakfast, man?” Kyle poked his head through the doorway of the bedroom that was temporarily mine.

  “Sure,” I replied.

  “I’m heading to a diner down the road. Get dressed and meet me in the car.”

  With a groan, I pushed myself from the bed and got dressed. Some of my art supplies were scattered around the small room, but I hadn’t bothered to paint very much. I hadn’t felt like it. This wasn’t my home and I didn’t want to mess up Kyle’s stuff. I would start looking for an apartment soon, but I wanted to live here for at least another month—I needed to know in my heart that I was ready to deal with everything on my own. The pull was still there, but I was fighting it. Kyle had gotten rid of all the alcohol in his house so that I couldn’t get any from him. Smart man. I might’ve been tempted to sneak a few times. I knew staying sober was necessary for my wellbeing and any chance at a happy future I may have.

  Kyle drove us a few blocks down the road and we walked into the diner.

  Our conversation was easy as we ate. While Kyle had stuck around after I went off the deep-end, our relationship had changed and it wasn’t an easy-going friendship anymore. We were getting that back though.

  When we left, Kyle offered to drive me home before he went to work, but there was somewhere I needed to go. Kyle appeared reluctant to leave me alone, but I assured him I’d be fine. He couldn’t keep me on a leash.

  With my hands in my pockets, I walked around town for a while before heading to the cemetery. I knew there was a chance I could see Sutton and that scared me. Luckily, I didn’t encounter her. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve done if I had spotted her.

  I entered the cemetery with my head bowed. I had the walk memorized and didn’t need to look where I was going.

  When I reached their graves, though, I was startled to find a woman there.

  At first my mind played tricks on me and I thought it was Sutton. But the woman kneeling on the ground had red hair, not raven-colored. I was relieved. After all, it couldn’t have possibly been Sutton. I’d never told her where my family was buried. Although, with her handy-dandy Google search skills she could have probably found them if she really wanted to.

  The woman stood, wiping beneath her eyes. When she finally turned and saw me she nearly jumped out of her skin.

  “Oh my God!” She placed a hand against her chest, taking a few steps back. “You scared me.”

  My eyes scanned her familiar features and my brows furrowed together as I tried to place her. I knew her, but I couldn’t quite remember how. The memory was there, in the back of my mind as a hazy image.

  I studied her shiny red hair, emerald green eyes, and the dusting of freckles sprinkled across her nose. “Leah,” I gasped as I finally recognized her. I hadn’t seen her since the night of the murders. Okay, that was a lie, I probably had seen her after that but I ignored everything and everybody. I’d retreated into myself and everyone ceased to exist. All that I’d had was the hurt I felt.

  “You remember me.” Her smile was small and hesitant. She was slightly afraid of me.

  “I do.” I rocked back on my heels at a loss as to what I was supposed to do.

  “It’s been a long time,” she commented, clutching her purse.

  “Six years,” I confirmed with a nod of my head. “You look good.” Was that an appropriate thing to say?

  “Thanks.” A slight blu
sh blossomed across her cheeks. “You look good too. Kyle said you were getting help for the…” She trailed off and swayed back and forth like she was unsure whether or not she should proceed with her statement.

  “Substance abuse,” I supplied. “You can say it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. I own my sins instead of drowning in them.” Yep, I was definitely turning in to Alex. The fucktard had messed with my mind.

  “So, you’re doing better?” She asked. Her gaze darted to the ground and I wasn’t sure if it was because she suddenly felt shy or if she really was that afraid of me. I didn’t want her to be scared. I wasn’t the boogeyman.

  I nodded, then realized she couldn’t see me, so I said, “Yes. It’ll always be a struggle, but I’m much better.”

  “I’m really happy to hear that, Cael.” Her smile was genuine and something about hearing her say my name made sparks tingle through my body. Once upon a time I’d had a crush on this girl. Back then, I’d fucked her, but if things hadn’t ended the way they had with my family I might have married this girl. She was beautiful and sweet. My mom had loved her. That would normally send most guys running from a girl, but everyone loved Leah. She had that kind of sweet and sassy personality that couldn’t help but make you like her.

  “Why are you here?” I asked the question that had been bugging me since I saw her.

  “Huh?” She lifted a hand to her forehead to block the sun filtering in through the tree branches.

  “Why are you here?” I repeated. “At my family’s graves?”

  “Oh,” she shook her head, “yeah, that. Of course you’re wondering why I’m here,” she rambled. She was definitely nervous. “Like I said, I talked to Kyle—I ran in to him at the grocery store a few days ago. We got to talking about you and what happened. I…l hadn’t been here since the funeral and I thought I should visit. They were good people and they shouldn’t be forgotten. I brought flowers for them too,” she moved out of the way so I could see. “I got lilies for your mom. They were her favorite, right? And daisies for Cayla. I figured your dad would come back from the dead and haunt my ass if I got him flowers, so I—uh—got a football instead.”

  The blush that had been highlighting her cheeks had now spread to her neck and the tops of her breasts.

  I was touched by the gesture, but tried not to let it show. “That was nice of you.”

  She took careful steps around me and whispered, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

  I watched her walk away, itching to call out. When it was almost too late, I yelled, “Leah!”

  “Yeah?” She turned around, waiting for me to continue.

  I looked at the graves and back at her. I’d walked around town for a while and it was getting late, so I asked, “Would you want to go to lunch…with me?” I don’t know why I tacked on the ‘with me’ part, as if that wasn’t already obvious.

  “Oh, um,” she fiddled with the curly strands of her vibrant hair. Finally, she nodded, and said, “Sure.”

  I smiled so big that my cheeks hurt. “Great.” I looked at the graves once more. “Would you mind waiting ten minutes?”

  “Not at all,” she smiled. God, she had a pretty smile. She was more beautiful now than she had been in high school. Those old feelings were resurfacing and I didn’t know what to make of them. “I’ll be in my car,” she pointed over her shoulder towards the parking lot.

  “Wait for me,” I pleaded.

  “Always.”

  Something about her reply made me think. I’d avoided her like I had everyone else after the murders. I’d assumed I’d never see her again—well, I’d honestly kind of forgotten about her. It was easier not to remember the people from that time of my life. It was a shock seeing her here today, but I was glad.

  I turned to the graves and sat on the ground.

  “Hey, guys,” I started. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you in a while. I was getting help. I’m much better now. I’ve been working hard to get my life back on track. I’m hoping to open my own art gallery. I haven’t thought of a name yet…maybe something to honor mom and Cayla since both of you were the true artists in the family. I’m trying my best to make you proud. I know you wouldn’t approve of all the shitty things I’ve done in the last few years.” I plucked some of the grass and twisted it between my fingers. “I sold your house. I hope you aren’t angry, but I just couldn’t hang on to it anymore. I couldn’t go back there again and someone else deserves to make memories there. We had some good times in that house and I want that for another family, instead of it being tainted with what happened that night. I’m trying to move on, and while it’s hard, I think I’m doing a pretty damn good job…now, at least. It only took me six years after you died to get my shit figured out,” I chuckled humorlessly. “I want you guys to be proud of me.” Tears pricked my eyes. No more words left my lips as I let the tears fall. I’d said all that I could say.

  I didn’t hear Cayla’s voice, in fact I hadn’t heard her since that day at the house. Maybe she had moved on. Or, possibly—okay, most likely—I’d merely hallucinated her voice.

  I sat for a few more minutes before I gathered to my feet. Dusting the grass from my jeans, I murmured, “I guess this is goodbye for now. I’ll visit again, but it’ll probably be a while. I’m sorry for that, but I think I’ll heal faster if I stay away. I love you guys.”

  I kissed my fingers and touched them gently to each gravestone.

  I strode out of the cemetery as a feeling of peace settled around me.

  I found Leah sitting in her car. She rolled the window down when I approached. “Lunch is on me, but do you mind giving me a ride? I don’t have a car,” I admitted.

  I was a bit embarrassed by that fact but she smiled like it didn’t matter. “That’s fine,” she replied.

  I settled into the passenger seat and told her to pick the place. We ended up at a local Italian restaurant a few miles away. I held the door open for her as we walked inside. The hostess led us to a booth in the back and I was glad that we were relatively alone. I was looking forward to catching up with her. For once, I wasn’t scared of being reminded of what happened. I was ready to embrace it as part of my life.

  “So,” I said as the waitress sat down glasses of soda, “what have you been doing since graduation?”

  “Well,” she smiled as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, “I went to college and got a degree in social services.”

  “Really?” My brows rose in surprise.

  “I know it’s not very glamorous,” she chuckled as she brought the glass to her mouth. I had to force myself to look away from the delectable sight of her lips wrapped around the straw. “But I wanted to help kids.”

  “I think that’s pretty admirable,” I noted. My fingers tapped nervously against the top of the table and I couldn’t seem to make them stop. “So, you like it?”

  “I love it.” Her smile widened and there was a sparkle in her green eyes. “It’s a hard job, I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s also extremely rewarding. When a kid smiles at me for making things better for them…” She trailed off, a nostalgic smile playing on her lips. “It’s nice,” she finished.

  “I’m sure it is,” I agreed.

  “What are you up to?” She asked. Bowing her head, she let out an nervous laugh. “Besides the obvious of course.”

  “And by obvious you mean…rehab?” I knew that’s what she meant, but I liked watching her squirm. While there had been some fear when she first saw me, that was all gone now. She wasn’t as sassy as I remembered from high school, but I figured that had to do with nerves. It had to have been a shock to see me.

  “Yes,” she squeaked.

  I took a sip of soda, making her sweat it a bit longer. “I’m not really doing anything right now. I moved in with Kyle and I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m hoping to move out of his place in a month or so, but I really want to open my own art gallery.” I launched into everything I wanted to do with it
and her eyes widened. Her mouth parted in shock too. Was it really so surprising that the addict might have dreams and aspirations too?

  “Wow,” she gasped when I was finished, “I think that’s a great idea, Cael. It would give you something to focus on, but you love it so it wouldn’t feel like work.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled.

  Our food came and conversation lulled for a bit. When the waitress returned to take away our empty dishes, she asked if we’d like some dessert. I looked to Leah for an answer.

  “Yes, please,” she smiled, and I noticed how she lit up the room when she did, “tiramisu.”

  “Great choice,” the waitress chimed. “It’s made fresh daily. Would you like any coffee to go with it?”

  “No, thank you,” Leah replied. Turning to me, she admitted with a wry smile, “I know it’s a bit early for dessert, but I can’t resist. I have quite the sweet tooth.”

  “Dessert is a very important food group,” I quipped.

  The waitress set the plate of tiramisu on the table with two spoons. I didn’t want any, so I pushed the plate over to Leah’s side of the table.

  “Please, you have to eat some,” she begged. “Don’t make me feel like a pig.”

  I chuckled and lifted a finger. “One bite, but that’s it. I don’t really like coffee flavored things.”

  “How is that possible?” She gasped. “Coffee is delicious.”

  I couldn’t help but think of Sutton with her words, but I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I was sitting here with Leah and she deserved my undivided attention.

  I took a bite of the mousse-like dessert and swallowed it down. “There,” I put the spoon down, “now you can say that you didn’t eat the whole thing.”

  “Thanks,” she smiled beautifully before digging in.

  The waitress dropped off the check and I put down my credit card.

  I was either going to have to get a real job soon or start selling my paintings again. I couldn’t live off my saving’s forever and I was planning to use the money I’d made of the sale of my childhood home to open my gallery.