‘Who knows, son. For your sake I hope not. Girls seem to prefer hairless chests these days.’
Dried and dressed, him in pyjamas, me in joggers and a t-shirt, we sat down to an animal programme on the Discovery Channel. Animals, the larger and fiercer the better, were Pat’s passion. He could sit and watch them all day. And if Disney caricatured and animated them, even better. Soon it was time for bed.
‘Aw, Dad. Can I not stay up for a wee while longer? There’s grizzly bears coming up.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s bed time. You can watch the grizzlies another night. Come on, bed.’
‘Okay, okay. Will you read to me?’ He brightened at the thought.
‘Five minutes, okay?’ He raced up the stairs almost before the words were out of my mouth.
I had been reading for around fifteen minutes when I heard the doorbell.
‘Right. I’ll go and answer that. You get to sleep, young man.’ I tucked in his quilt, kissed his forehead and put on his nightlight.
‘Goodnight, son,’ I said from the door.
‘Night, Dad,’ Pat said and closed his eyes tight as if trying to convince me he was suddenly asleep.
Wondering who could be at the door at this time of night, I walked down the stairs. It would probably be Jim on the cadge for a couple of cans. Paula must have given him the night off, I thought as I pulled open the door.
And there she was.
‘Anna! What the … what …?’
‘Can I come in, Andy? We need to talk.’ She seemed swamped by her coat, her head bowed as if too heavy for her neck.
‘I thought we’d said all that needed to be said.’
‘Andy, please. I’ll just take five minutes and then you can fling me back out again.’
Intrigued by her tone and quiet demeanour I stood aside and let her in. She reached the living room and, as she walked, she looked around herself as if memories of happier times were filling her mind.
She faced me. Her eyes were circled in shadow. She looked thinner. She looked like she needed a hug. And at the thought I crossed my arms, as if that might curb the impulse once and for all.
‘How’s Pat?’ she asked.
‘He’s … he’s fine. What do you want, Anna?’ I wanted her out of my house quick. I also wanted to hold her and never let go.
She looked up at me. Her eyes large and moist. ‘I’m pregnant.’
16
As I drove into work the next day, I pushed down the visor to lessen the effect of the sunshine on my eyes. Ten minutes later, as I waited in a queue of traffic heading up Ayr’s Sandgate, I was surprised when
I had to switch on the wipers to wash away the rain. My mind was just as confused as the weather. Anna pregnant. Unbelievable. A yawn ruptured my smile. I didn’t get much sleep after hearing that piece of news. I had breakfasted, dressed Pat, got him off to school, this being still only his first week, and then driven into work in a daze. Anna’s voice reverberated in my head.
‘I’m pregnant.’
I’ve often watched TV programmes and prayed that the man displayed the right reaction to this sort of news. A reaction that would bring reassurance to their partner. I was usually embarrassed to be male when they inevitably acted like the Neanderthal the scriptwriters intended. But now I knew why. Pat was planned for, prayed for. He was the product of respect, devotion. My reaction then was of exhilaration, joy and tenderness. With Anna my reaction was a classic caveman ‘Ugh!’ and I sat down.
So did she.
‘Say something,’ she had twisted her fingers. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you or even if I should. I mean, I wasn’t the best wife. I know I screwed up. But … this is your baby and I thought you should know.’
‘Are you sure?’ My voice sounded as if it came from the end of a long tunnel.
‘Am I sure of what?’ Anna demanded. She looked stung by my question.
‘Sure that you are pregnant?’ The question of parentage never entered my head.
‘Yes,’ she said wearily. ‘I bought three testers, one a day for three days. I couldn’t believe it … I’m still struggling to believe it.’
Silence widened the distance between us.
‘Say something … please,’ Anna begged me at last. She was leaning forward, elbows on her thighs, hands before her as if clasped in prayer. Hands that had before now bruised my flesh. Hands that would soon care for my child.
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked her, my voice soft, frightened of the answer.
‘That depends.’ She examined her fingers.
‘On what?’ I asked, voice raised.
‘I don’t know, Andy. I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m on my own. A child’s a huge responsibility…’
I forced out the question, ‘Have you thought of termination?’
‘No, absolutely not,’ She looked up at me. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘No, but there’s no way I could stop you, if you really wanted to.’ I paused. ‘I’m sorry I asked you. I just needed to know.’
‘I was thinking more of adoption.’ Her nails now came under close scrutiny.
‘Adoption?’ I fought to keep control. I needed to show as little emotion as I could. I didn’t want Anna to think she had the upper hand. But the thought was clear in my mind: no child of mine would be brought up by strangers.
‘Yes, but I’d rather keep her.’
‘Her? You know it’s a girl?’ The thought that she might have had a scan and I didn’t share in the experience filled me with jealousy.
Anna didn’t reply at first. She stuck her hand in her bag and pulled out an envelope.
‘Here.’ She handed it to me. ‘They can’t tell the sex at this stage. Way too early … I would love a girl though.’
I opened the envelope and pulled out a small, glossy piece of paper. I had held one before, so I knew instantly what it was.
‘Is that it? Him or her?’ I pointed at a tiny white dot in a forest of black-and-white lines. Anna nodded.
‘Wow.’
More silence. We were both lost in the small, shiny piece of paper.
‘How far gone are you?’
‘Four weeks.’
‘That means it was that night…?’
Anna nodded but I carried on with my question anyway.
‘…The night that I came back from Campbeltown?’
While Anna was pulling and tearing at my genitals, my seed was battling through her body with only one purpose. It had succeeded despite everything.
‘My God.’ I stared out of the window for moment, then turned back to Anna. ‘A child conceived in less than perfect circumstances.’ My laugh held little humour. ‘You hear couples saying they remember when they conceived their child. It’s usually, oh I don’t know … after a party, a romantic meal, that weekend they spent sheltering from an April shower in Paris.’ I breathed deeply. Keep calm, I told myself. No point in shouting.
‘I know, Andy, and I’m so sorry. I just can’t apologise enough. My behaviour was shocking. But this is our child. Ours.’
She dropped onto her knees, moving forward. She reached me and held my hands tight in hers. I wanted to pull them away, but I couldn’t move. I was immobilised by a bruise of emotions. Hurt, joy, fear and frustration were only the ones that I could articulate and they were painting my mind purple.
The one feeling that I didn’t want to admit to was relief. But it was there, however much I tried to deny it. The baby gave me a valid reason to take her back.
‘I love you, Andy. As soon as I realised I had to tell you about the baby, I knew that we had to get back together.’ Her eyes were soft, the rim of her irises blurred with tears. ‘This is our baby.’ She gripped my hand tighter for emphasis. ‘We can make it work, for her sake.’
I managed to pull my hands free. Anna took this as a negative sign, stood up, head bowed and went back to her seat.
‘I need … I need to think. I need to let this soak in,’ I told her. Hope sparked fresh in her expression.
‘Of course.’ She stood up. ‘I’d better go. Let you think. Say hello to Pat for me.’ She was out of the door before I could say goodbye.
The noise of a horn tore me from my thoughts. I was sitting on the approach to a roundabout with a growing line of angry drivers behind me. I waved an apology and drove off.
What should I do? The question was rooted in my mind and shoots of questions and thoughts were spreading in every direction. As I negotiated the final stretch of my drive to work I tried to make sense of the commotion in my mind. Let Anna go but keep the baby? Let them both go? Hold on to them both? Which was the decision that would provide the most security for Pat and myself? Could I even make such a decision?
A knock on the car window pushed these thoughts and questions temporarily from my mind. I was sitting in the bank car park, elbows on the steering wheel, head buried in my palms. Sheila Hunter was standing beside the car, peering in the window.
‘You okay?’ she mouthed.
I motioned that I was fine and, taking care that I wouldn’t hit her with the door, I got out of the car.
‘You alright?’ she asked again.
‘Yes, yes … fine thanks,’ I answered. ‘You?’ I looked at her. ‘Hey, you’re looking great.’ She had put on a little weight, her hair was cut stylishly and her already fine features embellished with make-up. She looked a lifetime away from the mouse of a beaten woman I had visited only weeks ago.
‘Thanks.’ Somewhat self-consciously she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I’m doing a lot better thanks, Andy. Sorting my life out once and for all.’
‘Is that man of yours giving you any more trouble?’
‘No,’ she answered. ‘Haven’t seen or heard from him for ages. Letters from my lawyers are keeping him occupied. How’s things with you?’
I took my briefcase from the car and we began walking to the staff entrance. ‘Oh, you know…’ I avoided eye contact. ‘… The usual.’
When we reached the door I rang the bell. While we waited for it to be opened I felt driven to ask her something.
‘Do you mind if I ask a personal question?’ I turned to face her.
‘That depends,’ she answered with a smile on her lips and curiosity in her eyes.
‘If it’s too personal you don’t have to answer.’ I tried to reassure her.
‘Well? Big build-up, what’s the question?’ She smiled.
‘If you were to give advice to another person … another woman…’ the lie soured my tongue, ‘… in a violent relationship, what would it be?’
‘Simple. Get out.’ She spoke quietly. Her eyes gave no hint if she wanted to know my reason for asking.
‘What if the domestic situation is complicated? Kids etc? Things are never simple are they?’
‘You’re right, things are never simple. But violent people rarely change and if someone wants to hold on to their self-esteem, their confidence, their … self-worth, then they have to get out. And if there are kids, especially boys, then consider what messages they are getting. It’s okay to be a bully? A slap, or worse, now and again works wonders to keep the little lady under control?’ She paused as if to moderate the edge in her voice. ‘No, violence doesn’t belong in any home and whatever your reasons are for asking…’
I began to speak, to make up a story.
‘Don’t tell me. I don’t need to know,’ continued Sheila, having said the last thing I wanted to hear, but the first thing I needed to. ‘But, if you are asking on someone’s behalf, tell them to get out, go to the police, social services, a woman’s refuge. There are lots of places that a woman can go for advice nowadays. The situation’s far from perfect, but there is help out there for women in that position.’
But, what about a man? I wanted to say, but couldn’t. There was no way that I was about to admit to this. What a laugh everyone would have. I could just hear them. A big bloke like him and he can’t handle a delicate wee woman. Telling them that size was deceptive or that I would rather face a wall of New Zealand rugby players than my wife would probably only result in louder derision.
The one thing Sheila said that I couldn’t believe, didn’t want to believe, was that people don’t change. I refused to accept this. Beneath Anna’s carapace of anger was a soft centre that needed to be shown a way out. I loved her, and she could see that. I could help her chip away at her brittle shell and reach the real woman beneath. I would have to. The alternative was just too frightening to contemplate.
17
We met in a restaurant in the centre of town. I thought a neutral venue would encourage a calmer discussion. Anxious to begin talking, I arrived early to find that Anna was already there.
My heart thumped when I saw her. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and hold her. Instead I took a seat, leaned back in the chair and crossed my legs.
‘Hi.’ Her voice was quiet, unsure, even in that one syllable. Her arms and legs were crossed and a cup of coffee sat on the table in front of her like a large, brown full stop.
This display of uncertainty pleased me. It let me see that she wasn’t taking me or my decision for granted.
‘Hello,’ I replied, trying to get a view of her stomach, which was of course a waste of time as it was far too early for her to be showing. But the future of the child floating in that amniotic sea could depend on the course of the next hour or so, and I needed a quick reminder of the reason that had opened up this opportunity to talk.
Anna was looking her usual beautiful self. Hair sleek and groomed; clothes, fashionable and freshly laundered; make-up, precise and flattering. The only sign that pregnancy might be having any effect on her was a slightly darker pink under her eyes.
‘How are you feeling?’ I picked up a menu and held it between us as if to prevent my affection for her leaping across the table.
‘Okay … Mind you I could do without this morning sickness malarkey.’
‘Have you told anyone else yet?’
‘No, no. I need to know what you … what we are going to do.’
‘I think I’ll just have a coffee, I’m not hungry.’ I avoided a direct answer until there was no way a waitress would interrupt.
We were silent as if by mutual consent while I attempted to attract the attention of the waitress who was much too interested in a magazine that was spread out on the counter in front of her. Tired of waiting, I walked over to her.
‘Could I have a coffee, please? White.’
‘Sure.’ She didn’t take her eye off the latest himbo that was draped over a sun lounger.
I returned to our table and we waited in silence until my drink arrived.
‘So.’ I dropped a teaspoon of brown sugar into the coffee. ‘Let’s talk.’
‘What’s your decision?’ Her face was inscrutable, but she fidgeted with her wedding band, twisting it round her finger. For a moment I wondered if it was a deliberate action.
‘I don’t want a child of mine to be brought up by strangers. I want to be a large part of their lives, and if we have to get together to make it happen then that’s the way it has to be.’
‘Not because you love me?’ Anna pulled at an ear lobe.
‘Let’s not be mistaken, Anna. I do love you. But the only thing that’s brought me here is the tiny clump of cells growing in your womb. I’d force myself to live without you otherwise. I have too much respect for myself to allow you to hit me again.’ I took a token sip from my cup. ‘For the sake of the baby I want us to give it another go.’
Anna’s face revealed nothing of how she was taking this news.
I made sure she was looking into my eyes. ‘But I have one condition.’
‘What?’
‘That you go to your doctor and you get help.’
‘Already done that.’
‘When?’ This was encouraging.
‘Just after we got married, after the time … you know.’ It was too difficult for her to continue, but I knew she was referring to the time she repeatedly banged m
y head with the door.
‘And what did he say?’
‘Oh, he said that I was probably still uptight from the stresses of the wedding and not to take it too seriously.’
‘What? That was it? Years of medical training for that?’ I was incredulous. ‘Right, in that case I think we should go and see a marriage guidance counsellor.’
‘Fine, that might help.’ She bowed her head as if willing to accept any conditions I might impose.
‘You’re happy with that?’ I asked.
She nodded.
I needed to know why she had reacted the way she had. What made her turn violent? A flash of memory and there was a taste of blood in my mouth: a dull heavy feeling on the side of my head.
‘Why did you do it, Anna? Where did all of that anger come from?’
She shrugged in response. ‘Don’t know.’
‘That’s a cop-out. Of course you know, you just don’t want to admit it.’
‘I love you, Andy. Believe me I’ll make this marriage work, but there are things that you don’t need to know.’
‘Of course I need to know them. I want to help you. I want to understand.’
‘Are you finished with that coffee?’ Anna was looking over at the waitress.
‘Eh?’
‘Let’s go somewhere more private. The waitress has decided eavesdropping is much more interesting than her magazine.’
Dodging the rain, we were soon in my car. The windows fogged quickly, giving me the impression that we were alone in the world within the confines of the small metal box. I wished I had thought of this earlier. The confessional of a car is something I have experienced often. Put two people in such close proximity for any length of time and they have to communicate. Silence in such a small space begs to be filled.
I turned off the radio and facing Anna, repeated myself.
‘I need to know why you get so angry. In fact, I know so little about you. You’ve never talked about your family, your friends, any of your life before you met me. Wouldn’t that strike you as being a little odd if you were me?’
Now that I had asked this question out loud the strangeness of my own behaviour struck me anew; I wondered why I hadn’t asked before. Perhaps I had sensed that this was a no-go area, that this was hazardous ground. But with a new air of openness surrounding us, I thought that Anna would find it difficult to fudge an answer.
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